r/LegbeardStories | MORE DRINKING?? LESS THINKING... LILY5

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1:59If you're here, you know what you're in for. If this is your first time, please look at Red X's previous videos on this ballot. Yes, indeed, I invite you. Disclaimer, this episode describes self-arm. So if that's uncomfortable for you, you are free to check out, and I even encourage you to do so. Yes, slightly uncomfortable, but no checking out for me. We gotta make sure this thing happens. Ah, Lily. How do I describe how I feel about her? Currently, she's a smoldering pit of regret that's been long-buried, but not quite forgotten. At this time, in the tale, I don't know, a bit mixed. You still lied. You still in denial a little bit. That's okay. So, unless it's we have to learn the hardest way, I guess, after we bought the house, things had changed. Lily was more controlling, more possessive, and more of a perfectionist. Yeah, because as I said, back in another saga,

3:01this because she thinks she has you by the short and hairy's now, right? Now we don't have to bother with the mask anymore. The good times, they were truly good. The bad times had me balling in my room. The truth is, you have to weigh like how bad the bad times are versus how good the good times were. And given the fact that the bad times had you crying and the good times were quote, truly good instead of great or awesome, that's really all the information that you need. It's time to bail. Preferably before you got the house, but I don't know, hindsight's 2020, man. Get out while it's getting not as bad. She was controlling and insecure from the beginning, but we just sort of look past all that. Anyways, needless to say, it was an emotional roller coaster that I had bought the ticket for, but I wasn't ready for its intensity. We were both flawed people. Hell, I still am, but her testing of my emotional limits and constant prodding about making sure

4:06the home was perfectly clean, wore away at me. Don't get me wrong, I like a clean home, but I'm also the kind to let dishes sit in the sink for longer than I'm proud of at times. Did you wash the dishes? I thought you wanted to do that. Yeah, if you want to leave them in there, nobody should say anything, okay? Instead of saying anything, just sit down and do them. Oh, he continues. Hell, I got a burgeoning pile in the sink right now and come the time this appears on the YouTube's, another will likely have taken its place. Just get a little wet, scrub the real hard stuff off and then, you know, finish it off later or something. That seems to make the job a lot less daunting. That's my life advice for the day. Anyways, today we will dive into our new jobs, the friends made there, depression, and regression. With all that out of the way, let's get into the cast. Oh, that's right, y'all work together too.

5:0724 hour companionship, we're gonna be best friends forever. Yeah, I'm sure that'll happen. With all that out of the way, let's get into a cast list. OP, me, Beanpole of a Guy, burgeoning beer gut, former Ejigoth kid, current trench coat owner, teetering on the edge of beardery and the smallest push may put me over. Hey, don't threaten me with a good time. Let's whip out the magic card and cook up some teddies. It's fine. I can live my life however I want as long as I'm not negatively affecting other people with it. Lily, 5'2 of anger in human form, Prater of emotional limits, raised in conflict, thrives on it, and introducing Chris. Not again. Not again. Got damn it. Oh god. Okay, it's, it's totally Chris. Slightly older than us, Native American man with a glorious

6:07Fou man chew beard, festitious and kind if a bit sarcastic. Former military, now working at dish network with us. Okay, good. It's definitely not the Chris that we know. Definitely not. Brian, Lanky dude with a big Fugget energy and a love of punk rock. He's the top two but rebellious and also pretty smart. Charlie's a short dude, budding on beardery himself, or a full ass suit to work every day despite not interacting with any actual customers. Fan of the bowler hat and suspenders. This week at Vons and Albertans, USDA choice tri-tip roast untrimmed are 599 per pound. Limit 4 roasts with membership were applicable and medium ripe hassovacados are 99 cents each with membership were applicable. Plus Kellogg cereals 8.8 to 16.1 ounces, selected varieties, or peppered farm goldfish 5.9 to 8 ounces are 190.9 each when you buy three. Limit 3 offers with membership were applicable. Visit vons or Albertans.com for more deals and ways to save.

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8:17switch? That's 8669 optimum. Speaking of fetch, that's my cue. Terms apply, see optimum.com for details. At least this fit is nice. He's not wearing a t-shirt in the bull or hat. I don't know. Steph is a larger woman, sassy and opinionated, bit of a legbeard and married to a certified neckbeard, instant friends with Lily. Yeah probably because Steph didn't threaten her in any way. Who cares? Work friends suck anyways. But I guess if it's the only way that you ever get away from your spouse then yeah maybe lead in. So with the cast list out of the way, let us dive but first into chapter 6 of the Ballad of Lily Truth. Truth in this. Some version thereof,

9:19as I said before, we'll start this off by saying that our intimate life was slow. Neither of us were particularly random people and we were neither of us initiators. So when sexy times did happen, it was infrequent. Well that's kind of sad. And you got the separate bedrooms at least knock on each other's door. You can make it fun, you can make it mysterious, you can like put on a cheap vampire cloak from spirit Halloween. Like I wasn't too humpy or bud. Don't come to my house or else I'll suck your dick or blood or suck your blood. You just gotta keep it fun. You know, mix it up a little bit. Come on man. So on average, OPS, that they did the deed about once a month, once that new relationship sexiness wore off. God that's sad. You just bought a house together,

10:21you guys. Can we be excited about that? Making our mission to Chris in every room? No, we're just gonna go to our separate bedrooms. Okay, now I'm sad. This really wasn't a problem for either of us. Well, that's good I suppose. We were more attracted to one another mentally than physically, though she was physically very attractive. It wasn't her looks that I loved about her. I loved that we shared hobbies and interests and general philosophies. Yeah, I think it could have worked out, you know, if you came home to your best friend at the end of the day, but spending 24 hours is never gonna work. Even with your best friend, the only time you're a part is when you go into your bedrooms. Don't make no sense. Don't make no sense. Anyways, despite Lily's constant barbing and my admitted laziness, we still managed to be intimate with one another. Yeah, sometimes we're gonna dish together was fine for the most part. I had put my foot down and told her in no

11:24uncertain terms that my work is my work and hers is hers and I would not be accepting comments from the peanut gallery. We both excelled in our work, herself more than me, but I was happy with my standing in the department. Did you use the phrase peanut gallery? I just set her off. I'd say outside assistance is far more pragmatic. I made fast friends with Brian, Steph and Chris. They were all kind people who chatted with me on breaks and often over our work. What is this, a sewing circle people? Get back to work. What's wrong with you? It came to the point where I joined Brian on his cigarette breaks just to keep the conversation going. I don't remember what argument or prodding caused me to stress that day, but once while standing outside with Brian, I made the mistake of asking for a cigarette. Do just one. One leads to thousands. Please don't do it. And I smoked it.

12:27You set yourself up for failure with all of this. I don't know if your brain consciously knew it, but there's a reason you started going outside with that guy. All you were waiting for is the right fight. Because you didn't quit for yourself. You quit for Lily, so she made you mad and you go back on your promise. And yeah, Lucas just leaning in at this point. Okay, you want to fight? Oh, I had this fight to you on a silver platter. All of you smokers know exactly where this is going. Yeah, I ran to it about it. I was back on the nicotine train. Whoa, whoa. Steph shot a eyebrows up and I urged her to keep it a secret from Lily. She agreed. On the drive home, Lily scrunched up her nose. I hate it when you go with Brian on his cigarette breaks. You stink. He's only doing it despite you. It's a self-sabotage thing. Although, is it really self-sabotage if like you really know the relationships never going to work out? Anyways, OP lies and says, yeah,

13:27I know, but it's just a welcome relief from sitting at the desk and I like talking to him. You can just chat with him in the work chat, you know? She responded curtly. Sure, but getting up and stretching my legs feels nice. Besides, I'll wash my clothes and take a shower after work anyway. You won't smell a thing outside of our drive home. The lies just kept on coming. Yeah, and if I got away with it once, surely I can get away with it again. Yeah, but you stink like it more than usual today. I don't know. There were more folks out there today. Which one would give first? My lies or her nose? I don't know, man. One thing I do know. She's the devil, bro. I think there was a group of new hires, I continued. Whatever, she said flatly. Great. Her nude defector response to when she obviously had doubts but didn't want to press the issue until she needed ammo for later. Like I said, she's sticking all these things in a back

14:32pocket, bro. Am I taking months for it to get thrown back in your face, but it's coming back in your face? A home now, I headed straight to the bathroom, discarded my clothing, brushed my teeth, and took a shower. I knew I was headed towards addiction again, and I made plans to hide my action. I took a trip to Walmart to get a toothbrush and a small tube of toothpaste to keep it my desk for after I smoked, making an excuse that we were out of some ingredients for a planned meal. I don't know, man. Lily is out of pocket, but OP. Like why don't you just grab your dick and balls at a certain point and be like, I enjoy smoking and I'm going to continue to do it. And I don't want to hear word one about it. If it's enough to make you leave, then you leave. Although I guess that conversation goes a little bit differently when you guys are $150,000 in debt together. Lots of lying. But yeah, it is addiction. I do get this one more than most.

15:32So the lie tucked neatly away in my pocket, I indeed started smoking again, but only at work. For now. A few months later, I finally convinced Lily to get rid of her rady Pontiac Grandam. The car was fine and still worked, but it was threatening to fall apart. It was nickeling and diving her every month and I genuinely thought that it was beginning to become unsafe to drive. I was afraid that like her brakes might fail one day or something worse. OP still cares and I do think that that's great. He's a bigger man than me because I'd be out there at midnight under the car with some wire cutters for the brake lights. Make sure that the brakes fail. There's only one way out and it's through. He's so nice, OP. She found herself the new owner of a Ford Fusion. It was nice for its time, but arguably very reliable. My old eclipse was also

16:37beginning to show its age, but I kept it around for a year or so longer. That's a story for another chapter. She needled you into getting rid of it, didn't she? Oh, I remember when you tried to make me buy a car. Even the good things. Going in the back pocket for later. As with trying to keep the irrelevant details out of this tail, we'll fast forward a little bit. About a year into working for Dish, Lily and I discussed getting a roommate to help with bills. I was fine with it, and she used it as an excuse to get me sleeping in her room. Yes, she wants you to initiate. Maybe the reason that she is so possessive and crazy is because she really just needs a good deep dick and you know. Sometimes that's all it takes. It's beautiful. So I wasn't entirely comfortable with the idea of sleeping in the same room, but I agreed because she wanted it, and I just wanted to make her happy. It's like living for somebody else. It's no way to go about life, but OP just doesn't have the strength to resist it

17:41anymore. She says, darling is time for your 4pm dick flattening and he's like, yes honey. And so we had a bevy of roommates for a time. Let's just run through him in order of appearance. Cody, a co-worker, a sassy gay man who looked like Michael from Vsauce without the beard and lived with us in relative harmony until he found a bow and eventually moved in with him. I go from Vsauce without the beard, so just like a hairless human being. Chris, a foreclosure forced him out and he lived with us with his two kitties for a while until he found a new rental. Very clean and gracious roommate. Genuinely a good guy, and one of the few who saw Lily truly unmasked. And that's why he was real quick to find the rental, right? There's also mudbeard. Hey, remember a neckbeard who merited his own tale, which has been compiled for your enjoyment. Please see Red X's playlist or compilation for a retelling of that particular

18:44story. It's a pretty good one. It's our introduction to Luca that was plenty of poopy come stinky stink. I think I understand why that saga did well. Charlie is the aforementioned budding neckbeard lived with us for about a year and always paid on time, but he was a bit uh, unkempt. Oh, he thinks he could throw the suit on and that's just that's it, right? Yeah, he's not truly a clean person, he's just about keeping up appearances. Which I guess is a lot of people, you know. He gets to know a lot when you live with him and shit. Anyhoo! During this time I slept in Lily's bedroom. It was hard to get used to, but eventually I was able to achieve some modicum of sleeping during this. I was resolved to get my sleep disorder under control, so Ambien was the solution. This helped me to sleep, but I often found myself needing more than one to sleep with Lily, because sleeping in her bed was rough. She wanted it because she wanted to feel closer to me, but my usual nightly tossing and turning was forbidden,

19:49because it kept her awake too. So despite my urges to move, I had to remain perfectly still, lest her eye or lash out at me if I move too much. Maybe she does have like a deeper game here. She's just trying to break OP down 100%, not letting him sleep anymore. She might actually literally be the devil. If that's the case, I'm not sure what her motivation is, but it's a very dark motivation. If I had to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I was often chewed out because my shuffling slash peeing had awoken her. So yeah, we were quote unquote, sleeping together, but truth be told, I was miserable there. I suffered through it, but I was often tired at work, because I got maybe four hours of sleep due to all these problems. I had taken the going to bed about an hour before her, just to find some semblance of slumber before she inevitably

20:49joined me in the bed. I don't even know if this is the kind of sleeping with her that she meant. Nobody seems to be enjoying this. Why is this happening? Go sleep in the living room or isn't there a room that somebody's office or something? You'll be able to sleep. You can maintain some relative peace as long as you make a night time visit everyone's in a while. At this point, yeah, go sleep in the bathtub. This is a big sleeping bag. Continuing on, OP says, my ambient use was sporadic. Due to me having to take too frequently, there would be nights that I'd have to do without any, because they would only fill 30 per month. I'll take no sleep of pills, but hashish, bro. So naturally, you could get as much as you want. Just don't get caught with it. It also led to fun side effects like sleep walking or sleep cooking. Chris once had the fun experience of watching me walk into the kitchen in nothing but my underwear as he was watching TV one evening,

21:52put a block of ramen into a saucepan, pour milk into the saucepan, add cheese to it, turn it on, and walk back to my bedroom without saying a word. That probably would have been delicious. I fell asleep and Chris was kind enough to recognize what was happening after 30 minutes of me not coming back out and turn the stove off. He probably ate that cheesy ramen too. This sounds awesome dude. That was nice, Yeluca. Thanks. What are you talking about? I'm also pretty sure I drove to the local grocery store one night in my underwear, holding a 2x4 that was in the garage for some reason, and I bought Peach Nehi soda. My favorite. That was probably a dream. I mean, surely I would have been arrested at some point during that adventure, right? I still wonder if that was a dream or not. Yeah, you just had an episode where you're wrong from Ed Ed and Eddie. Everybody has those dreams sometimes.

22:54I continued to smoke at work and Lily had become strangely more randy for several months. She was aggressive in her pursuit of a sexy time, often calling for it weekly. Oh, how uncouth! Sometimes physically pouncing on me, which was unusual, but not unwelcome. I mean, yeah, we take those, but what's your endgame though? She's like, pounces on you and starts sniffing your shirt. I know, you've been smoking. I'm gonna stab you in your sleep. It's just around the corner. Unless you get some dick, please for the love of God, OP. Just give it to her. Give it all you got. You're begging for your life right now. One night, she was doing my laundry and decided to be nice and do mine as well. I don't trust her motivations at all anymore. There's just two sides to every coin.

23:59She found a cigarette in one of my shirt pockets. I was sitting in my recliner playing on my laptop, when she strode out with it pinched between her fingers like a dead mouse. This stops now! She deadpanned. The truth of the matter was apparent now. This is your moment, OP. Take you stand right here and now. I like smoking. I'm gonna continue doing it. The most valuable only at McDonald's. Discover top rated stays loved by guests. rated highest by real guests through authentic reviews. Verbo. Book of vacation rental loved by guests. There's nothing like being in the stands cheering on your favorite team. Game time is your hack

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26:05driving in the BZ. There's a Toyota that's just right for you and with great deals across the lineup, now's the time to find yours. But hurry, these deals won't last long. Toyota's easy choice sales event ends soon. We make it easy. Toyota, let's go places. Now please leave me alone, I'm playing Minecraft on hardcore mode. You know what people with addictions really love ultimatums? Let's watch and see what happens. Opie says, oh, I was offered one at work and I politely took it and told him I would smoke it later. I didn't have the heart to tell him that I wasn't a smoker. Again, the lies flowed. No, you're lying to me. You've been smoking work. I know it and I've known for a while. You don't think Steph didn't tell me. I was wondering when you'd tell me about it, but you haven't yet. So I'm confronting you about it. Now's your moment Opie. I gave you the

27:11comeback just fire at that. Honestly, what takes a big brass ball is to pull the trigger. Because the debt of a house hanging over your head, yeah, she could just ruin your life. But it's better to get out now. Lily was strangely not screaming at me, though the idea that Steph, who was also a smoker, would tell her about my smoking, was a bit of a betrayal. I thought she was on my side about it, but alas, never trust anyone, dude. Rookie mistake. Okay, you're right. I've been smoking and I was hiding it from you. I know you hate it, but I've got to be honest with you, Lily. I've been incredibly stressed lately. You are very critical of me and you know itself is stressful as well. I'm stressed and I'm depressed. So I regressed. Yeah, I'm smoking and I'm going to continue to smoke. Good, but only at work. I guess some concessions must be made,

28:18although Lily doesn't seem to see it that way. No, you're not. She said a bit loud. Actually, yes, I am. I love this. Until things cool down here, I need the stress relief that I get from cigarettes to get me through the day. You know how depressed I've been lately? I'm open to alternatives. Of course, would you rather write dip? Oh no, man, the needing the stress relief, it's kind of a lie that we tell ourselves. A mint has essentially the same effect, but I don't know. Sometimes I like smoke with cigarettes. You know, it's fun to do bad things. Lily says disgusting either way. Venom dripped from her mouth. Look, I smoke at work. I come home, I shower, I brush my teeth. It's not a big deal. I tried to reason with her. Well, that's not going to get you nowhere, is it? It is a big deal. You quitting with part of my terms for coming

29:22here in the first place. Not only did you re-nig on that deal, you hid it from me. She forced herself to calm down, trying to keep the discussion civil. I mean, that's good, she's not screaming and stuff. But yeah, why do we need to have this fight? Why not a little compromise, please? Well, I heard that there are e-cigarettes now, so we could give that a try. It's the smoke that you hate, not the nicotine, so I'll make a deal with you. I'll switch to nicotine gum for now and I'll look into getting an e-cigarette. All right? I tried to reach a middle ground. She agreed, but left the barb that nicotine was unhealthy either way, as she crumpled the cigarette and threw it into the trash. Yeah, it is unhealthy. That's not why we do it for the health benefits, okay? Give me what's left of your pack, she demanded, hand outstretched. Does it not feel like she's your mom in this moment more than ever? I sighed and said, I don't smoke at home, I keep the

30:27packet work. I'll give him to you tomorrow. Strangely, this didn't turn into a screaming match. It was almost as if we had an adult conversation about something and found a solution somewhere in between. I mean, not really in between way more on her side. What I guess it's compromised. Like I said, now you get to come home smelling like whatever you want to smell like. Just find a scent that really annoys her and start vaping that. Oh, that's so petty, don't do that. That's terribly, my I apologized for hiding my smoking from her. She shrugged. I've known for a few months. That's why I've been more randy with you lately. I was hoping a better sex life would calm you down enough for you to stop. I guess it didn't work. Damn, dude. She had a reason it's not what I thought, but this is all wrong. This whole relationship is all wrong. It's impossible to bang your relationship

31:29issues away, okay? Just that's my line of advice for the day. So yeah, that was out in the open now. She had weaponized our love life to try and get me to change my behavior. Training you like a dog kind of. She didn't know it, but she had flung a knife into my heart with that. Beyond that, every time that we had sexy times, she would immediately shower afterwards, which made me feel like I was an unclean person somehow. This had bothered me for a long time, and even though I tried to stop it, I began openly crying. No, dude, it's such a trade-wreck. Well, in a dumpster fire, let's dive in. You make me feel like a prostitute. You know, look at me when we make love. I'm sorry, man. This situation really sucks. The only way I can handle

32:32though is to inject some levity because I know it's going to get heavy. Your feelings are valid, okay? But I want to warn you right now. Lily's going to weaponize all of this against you at some point. All of it. Oh, he says, I can't believe you do that. What? Have sex with you? Damn, dude. I was trying to bring it down to a chill level, and Lily just doubt you'd be in a savage. Look how they mess with my book. Oh, he says no. I'm sorry. It's not that. I just, why do you always immediately shower after we have sex? It makes me feel like I'm gross or something. Like you're washing off the shame of having to sleep with me. That's because it's gross.

33:32Confirms. Lily confirmed for the devil, bro. I would cry too. Why are you like this? Why are you still subjecting yourself to this? Uh, she replied this matter, effectively, thrusting another knife into my heart. I choked back a sob. How could you say that? She seemed to have finally clicked about what I was upset about, and she backpedaled a bit. It's not you that's gross, Opie. It's the act. Afterward, we're both sweaty and stinky. Sex is a gross act. It's nice, but it's gross, so I shower afterwards. It's nothing against you. She sat down rubbing my shoulder as I was heaving into my sob's now. I mean, she's not wrong. We are all kind of just gross, hairless monkeys that squish our genitals against each other. Are we going to have an actual genuine human moment between these two right now?

34:36I'm sorry. I didn't know you felt that way about it. I wish you just said something earlier. She cood softly, pulling me into a hug. I don't think you're gross. You just know how I am about, like, you know, mixing fluids. Hell, I don't even drink after you. It's purely a me problem. She's actually handling this kind of well. Okay. I'm glad we're having some some genuine connection, some open conversation. Just be open and authentic, and your relationship is going to go great. And she was right in that regard. I shouldn't have kept this to myself, but it had eaten away at me and the revelation that she had weaponized sex to try and change me just sort of broke the dam. Yeah, that's why you also be honest about the weaponizing sex part. You're like, why would you do that? Why would you think that would work? So yes, OP cries into Lily's arms for a while

35:36until the crying had muffled into quiet sniffles. We exchanged apologies, me for hiding my smoking from her and her for not explaining her grooming after sex, which is a really weird thing to explain unprompted. I don't like Lily as a person, but she probably shouldn't have to apologize for that. Again, be more open. Something in me had broken, however. I was stressed and depressed, and now I did not want to do the alive things anymore. I could live with the nagging and the screaming, the demeaning and snide remarks, but she had used me. She thought she could train me like a using sex. But you could never truly change another person unless they want to change. This is all based on how are you going to react to it. So again, let's see. I never really considered sex

36:38as anything more than just physical pleasure until I was with Lily, who had made the act of love making something more emotional for me. Something to cherish. Yeah, I guess I've never banged anybody that I didn't have an emotional connection with. So I do know there's a difference between being emotionally connected and in love, though, and you don't really know until you know. And wifey, that's how I know. It is kind of schmaltzy, you know, love making it and cherishing it. Whatever happened to good old fashion hate fucking huh? Is that not cool anymore? Lily just used this as another tool for control. I just didn't care anymore. I didn't really know that I was wanting to unalive, but I definitely started having some dark thoughts. Okay, so remember how I told you earlier that it's all in how you react to it? The way you react to it?

37:41Poorly. Which you probably know now. But all of this is a personal choice at the end of the day. Let's always keep that in mind. A few nights later, after a fresh refill of ambion and the work week all done, I took one to get ready for bed. And then I took another. Well, stop it. After that, some dark, uncarrying part of my brain thought, eh, mine as well. And then I took another and another, and I started feeling really floaty. Having gone to bed an hour before her, I was alone, and I was able to take as much as I wanted. I don't remember anything after the fifth pill. It would ambion to some heavy stuff. You don't mess around with that, okay? I was awoken by a paramedic. Jesus. And finally awake. You were trying to cross the border, right? Flanked by police officers, shaking me awake in our shared bed at around 2 p.m. the next day.

38:43Lily next to them sobbing. He's awake. The paramedic said, Oh, thank god. Lily sobbed. Hey, Opie, do you know where you are? I was still incredibly foggy, but I was lucid enough to say, Oh, I'm going to be a home. What year is it? The paramedic continued doing the basic rounds of checking for brain damage and checking my neural responses by telling me to wiggle parts of my body. I'm glad you awake. Twork for me, baby boy. Again, I have to eject to 11. Confused, not yet having a clear memory of what I'd done last night, I complied. One of the police officers spoke up after I'd cleared my head and gathered my thoughts. Do you want to hurt yourself? Yes. As my memory slowly returned to me, I remembered what I'd done last night. No, sir. I lied. I was starting to get pretty good at lying.

39:47Not good enough. Are you sure? You took them near the whole bottle. Yes, sir. I just took one, but sometimes I forget I took one and took another. I must have started a cycle of me taking one and forgetting that I took another one and I took another and I genuinely didn't want to take more than one. Yeah, super cool, I'm definitely buttery smooth. You're over-explaining. Lily confirmed my story. It's true. I've seen him sleepwalk, even sleepcook. I could see him forgetting he'd taken one and take another. All control is ambient from now on, so this doesn't happen again. Oh my god. And so the noose gets just a little bit tighter. Are you sure you don't want to get checked out at the hospital? The paramedic ask. Yeah, sir. I'm feeling all right right now.

40:47And what that? He left. Lily crying as she collapsed into my arms. I couldn't wake you for hours. I thought you were going to die. Again, this is real emotion, real human connection. She can't be completely the devil because she cares on some level. It's just both of you guys self-sabotaging to the point that your relationship fell apart, right? Nobody's really at fault here, but both of you definitely need to do some work. And that's okay. Basically all of us do. You'd never stop learning and growing. That's the secret. Lily sobbed clutching at me, clawing like at any moment I could just crumble away. I don't feel so good. In that moment, I felt relief. Relief that I was alive, actually. And that she still loved me enough to even care that I was dead. I had honestly thought she wouldn't care, but she did. Yeah, she's cold-hearted, but not that cold-hearted.

41:49That takes a different kind of psychopath. I never told her the truth about myself-delete attempt. And if you're reading this now, Lily, I'm sorry. It's just one more thing that I should have been honest about. I lied a lot over the course of our relationship, but this is the one that I regret the most. And you never came clean to her directly. You're doing it through a Reddit post, bro. I can't condone that. Go tell her right now. Maybe it's probably awkward after too many years. That's fine. I guess we're done. Pack it in, son. But yeah, lying never helps, okay? It only hurts. Authentic is what I said. Open is what I said. Both of those are like the inverse of lying. Had I been honest, perhaps our course could have changed. But Lily threatened to have me committed more than once during our screaming matches. Because like all things, she turned my depression into a weapon to be used against me. So I lied about it.

42:50Afraid that you would actually have me committed. She'd do it too. She'd be like, hmm, an opportunity to chemically alter my boyfriend. Why not? It turns out it's pretty hard to OD on Ambien alone. And on that note, that's where we'll leave things for today. No apologies for spelling her grammar mistakes. Oh, your mistakes. Even the big ones. Damn. Luca, out. Yeah, these things definitely do happen. We're definitely on a roller coaster ride with Lily. I want to see her as a human, you know, I want to not think she's as duplicitous as she seems. But when she inevitably throws everything back in your face, yeah, you're never going to be compatible, man. Granted, OPs like I got to work on myself, but did Lily ever come to that same conclusion? Or is she out there still doing the same stuff? And just found somebody that would accept it? I don't really know. Many questions still to be answered, but uh, despite the heavy nature of this saga, I do hope I brightened it up a little bit.

43:52Help you to laugh at the tragic things, you know? Don't forget to like, comment, subscribe if you enjoyed the episode, share it around. That would be pretty cool. Follow me on all my social medias, whatever you got. I want to see you there. All right. I'd also like to thank my Patreon patrons, my YouTube channel members, and then you buddy who clicks that little thanks button down there. One of your dollars is worth like a few of mine. So I don't know, extrapolate that, right? It's totally science. Thank you in advance. If you can't support that's cool. You came through your watch. That's support in its own way, isn't it? I hope you'll come on back and check out what we got cooking up for tomorrow. It's going to be delicious. Probably. I'll see you there, friends. So keep yourself safe out there. Always remember to wash your hands. And of course, that you are loved. You are worthy. You definitely definitely deserve it. And I shall see you in the next one. So until then, bye-bye.

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