The Devil's Wager - Williiam Makepeace Thackeray

0:00This is Matt Rogers from Lost Culture East. That's with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. This is Bowen Yang from Lost Culture East. That's Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. We've been talking about Kupy Mayo for a minute now, and wow! So many of you already love this stuff! And if you're thinking, wait, what is Kupy? Do you not have the internet? It's the OG Japanese mayonnaise. The one with the red cap. What makes it different? Egg yolks. Kupy is made with egg yolks only, giving it this rich, umami flavor that elevates to everything. Chefs use it. Restaurants use it. Where chefs work, of course. Food and flavor lovers use it. You haven't tried it yet? Well, find the red cap and see what everyone's talking about, why don't you? Kupy. The original Japanese mayonnaise. Kupy. The Devil's Wager by William Makepeace Fakry. It was the hour of the night when there'd be none stirring, safe, churchyard ghosts, when all doors are closed, except the gates of graves, and all eyes shut, but the eyes of wicked men.

1:06When there is no sound on the earth, except the ticking of the grasshopper, or the croaking of obscene frogs in the pool. And no light except that of the blinking stars, and the wicked and devilish wills of the whisp, as they gamble among the marshes, and lead good men astray. When there is nothing moving in heaven, except the owl, as the flaptheth along lazily, or the magician, as the redif on his infernal broomstick, whistling through the air like the arrows of a Yorkshire archer. It was at this hour, namely, at 12 o'clock of the night, that two beings went winging through the black clouds, and holding converse with each other. Now the first was mercurious, the messenger, not of gods, as the Heathens feigned, but of demons, and the second, with whom he held company, was the soul of Sir Roger Derulo,

2:06the brave knight. Sir Roger was Kent of Chochignni in Champagne, senior of Santer, Villacere, and Otrallieu, but the great die as well as the humble, and nothing remained of brave Roger now, but his coffin and his deathless soul. And mercurious, in order to keep fast the soul, his companion, had bound him round the neck with his tail, which, when the soul was stubborn, he would draw so tight as to strangle him well-knight, sticking into him the barbed point thereof, where at the poor soul Sir Rolo would groan and roar lustily. Now they too had come together from the gates of Purgatory, being bound to those regions of fire and flame, where poor sinners fry and roast, in Secula Seculurum. It is hard, said the poor Sir Rolo,

3:07as they went gliding through the clouds, that I should thus be condemned forever, and all for want of a single av. How, Sir Soul, said the demon, you were on earth so wicked that not one, or a million of aaves, could suffice to keep from hell flame a creature like thee, but sheer up and be merry, thou wilt be but a subject of our Lord the Devil as am I, and perhaps thou wilt be advanced to posts of honor as am I also. And to show his authority he lashed with his tail the ribs of the wretched Rolo. Nevertheless, sinner as I am, one more av would have saved me, for my sister, who was abyss of St Mary of Chuchingey, did so prevail by her prayer and good works, for my lost and wretched soul, that every day I felt the pains of Purgatory decrease, the pitchfork switch on my first entry

4:09had never ceased to vex and torment my poor carcass, were now not applied above once a week. The roasting had ceased, the boiling had discontinued, only a certain warmth was kept up to remind me of my situation. A gentle stew, said the demon. Ye truly I was but in a stew, and all from the effects of the prayers of my blessed sister. But yesterday he who watched me in Purgatory told me that yet another prayer from my sister and my bonds should be unloosed, and I, who am now a devil, should have been a blessed angel. And the other av said the demon. She died, sir. My sister died. Death choked her in the middle of the prayer, and here at the wretched spirit began to weep and whine piteously. His salt tears falling over his beard, and scalding the tail of Mercurius the devil.

5:10It is, in truth, a hard case, said the demon, but I know of no remedy, safe patience, and for that you will have an excellent opportunity in your lodging's below. But I have relations, said the arrow. My kinsman Randall, who has inherited my lands, while he not say a prayer for his uncle, though didst hate and oppress him when living. It is true, but an av is not much. His sister, my niece, Mittilda, you shot her in a convent and hanged her lover. Had I not reason, besides, has she not others, a dozen without a doubt. And my brother, the prior, a leege subject of my Lord the devil, he never opens his mouth, except to utter an oath, or to swallow a cup of wine. And yet, if, but one of these would but say an av for me, I should be saved. Av's with them are rarer avis,

6:11replied Mercus, wagging his tail right wiggusly. And what is more, I will lay thee any wager that no one of these will say a prayer to save thee. I would wager willingly, responded he, of Chuching-E, but what has a poor soul like me to stake? Every evening, after the day's roasting, my Lord Satan give the cup of cold water to his servants. I will bet thee thy water for a year that none of three will pray for thee. Done, said Rolo. Done, said the demon, and here, if I mistake not, is thy castle of Chuching-E. Indeed, it was true. The soul on looking down, perceived the tall towers, the courts, the stables, and the fair gardens of the castle. Although it was past midnight, there was a blaze of light in the banketing hall, and a lamp burning in the open window

7:12of the lady Matilda. With whom shall we begin, said the demon, with the barren, are the lady? With the lady, if you will. Be it so, her window is open, let us enter, so they descended and entered silently into Matilda's chamber. The young lady's eyes were fixed so intently on a little clock that it was no wonder that she did not perceive the entrance of her two visitors. Her fair cheek rested in her white arm, and her white arm on the cushion of a great chair in which she sat. Pleasantly supported by sweet thoughts and swans down, a luked was at her side, and a book of prayers lay under the table. For piety is always modest. Like the Aminist Alexander, she sighed and looked at the clock, and sighed for ten minutes or more when she softly breathed the word Edward. At this the soul of the barren was rough.

8:14The jade is at her old cranks, said he to the devil, and then addressing Matilda, I pray thee, sweet niece. Turn thy thoughts for a moment from that villainous page, Edward, and give them to thine affectionate uncle. When she heard the voice and saw the awful apparition of her uncle for a year's cajorn in purgatory had not increased the cumlinous of his appearance, she started, screamed, and of course fainted. But the devil maturious soon restored her to herself. What's o'clock said she, as soon as she had recovered from her fit? Is he come? Not thy lover, mod, but thy uncle. That is his soul. For the love of heaven listened to me. I have been frying in purgatory for a year past, and should have been in heaven, but for the want of a single av. I will see it for thee tomorrow, uncle, tonight or never.

9:16Well, tonight be it, and she requested the devil mercurious to give her the prayer book from under the table. But he had no sooner touched the holy book than he dropped it with a shriek and a yell. It was hotter, he said, than his master, Sir Lucifer's own particular pitchfork. And the lady was forced to begin her av without the aid of her missile. At the commencement of her devotions, the demon retired, and carried with him the anxious soul of poor Sir Roger DeRolo. The lady knelt down, she sighed deeply, she looked again at the clock and began. Avi Maria. When a loot was heard under the window and a sweet voice singing, Hark said Matilda. Now the toils of day are over, and the sun hath sunk to rest, seeking like a fiery lover, the bosom of the blushing west. The faithful night keeps watch and ward,

10:18raising the moon her silver shield, and summoning the stars to guard, the slumbers of my fair Matilda. For Mercy's sake said Sir Rull, the av first and next the song. So Matilda again, due to fully betook her to her devotions and began. Avi Maria, Grasya Plena, but the music began again and the prayer ceased, of course. The faithful night now all things lie, hid by her mantle darkened in. In pious hope I hither high and humbly chant my evening hymn. Thou art my prayer, my saint, my shrine, for never holy pilgrim kneeled, or wept at feet more pure than thine, my virgin love, my sweet Matilda. Virgin love said the barren, upon my soul this is too bad, and he thought of the lady's lover whom he had caused to behind. But she only thought of him,

11:18who stood singing at her window. Nice Matilda, cried Sir Roger agonizedly, will Thou listen to the lies of an impudent page whilst dying Uncle is waiting, but it doesn't ward to make him happy? At this Matilda grew angry. Edward is neither impudent, nor a liar, Sir Uncle, and I will listen to the end of the song. Come away, St. Mercurius. He hath yet God wheeled, field, sealed, congealed, and it doesn't other rhymes beside, and after the song will come the supper. So the poor soul was obliged to go while the lady listened, and the page sung away till morning. My virtues have been my ruin, said poor Sir Rolo, as he and Mercurius slunk silently out of the window. Harai hanged that nave Edward, as I did the page his predecessor, my niece would have sung my nav, and I should have been by this time an angel in heaven.

12:22He is reserved for wiser purposes, responded to devil. He will assassinate your successor, the lady Matilda's brother, and in consequence will be hanged. In the love of the lady, he will be succeeded by a gardener, who will be replaced by a monk, who will give way to an austler, who will be deposed. This is Rick Burgess from the Rick Burgess Show. I want to talk to you for a second about something most of us put on autopilot, car insurance. If you're just letting your policy auto renew year after year without shopping around, I'm telling you, you are probably throwing money away. Race change all the time and staying loyal to one company can end up costing you big time. That's why you need to go check out Insurify. I went to insurify.com to test it out myself, and I was blown away by how easy it is. In about two minutes, totally free, you can compare actual real-time quotes from over a hundred top insurance companies all side by side in one place. No endless phone calls, no pushy sales pitches. Here's what I really love. Insurify doesn't just help you once and walk away.

13:22They actually keep monitoring your rates, in the background, and alert you whenever prices drop, so you never miss out on a better deal down the road. Millions of drivers have already used Insurify to stop overpaying, and there's no reason you shouldn't too. Do yourself and your wallet a favor. Go see what you could say right now at insurify.com. That's insurify.com. This is Matt Rogers from Los Cultures. This is with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. This is Bowen Yang from Los Cultures. This is Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. Okay, we've been talking about Cupid mail for a minute now, Bowen. Wow, the feedback we're getting. I mean, so many of y'all love this stuff. You're stopping us in the street going, I love Cupid. And if you're thinking, wait, what is Cupid? Do you not have the internet? It's the OG Japanese mayonnaise. The one with the red cap and the little baby on the bottle. Once you know what, you start seeing it everywhere. People ask what makes it different from basic mail? Well, the answer, egg yolks. Cupid is made with egg yolks only, giving it this incredibly rich umami flavor that elevates everything.

14:24Burgers, fries, sandwiches, chicken, noodles. Chefs use it, restaurants use it. People who really love food and flavor use it. Whatever you're eating, Cupid. So if you haven't tried Cupid yet, find the bottle with the red cap and see what everyone's talking about. You'll understand, Cupid, the original Japanese mayonnaise. By a Jew peddler, Hushal finally yield to a noble arrow, the future husband of the fair Matilda. So that you see, instead of having one poor soul of frying, we may now look forward to a goodly harvest for our Lord the Devil. The soul of the Baron began to think that his companion knew too much for one who would make fair bets. But there was no help for it. He would not, and he could not, cry off. And he prayed inwardly that the brother might be found more pious than the sister. But there seemed little chance of this

15:24as they crossed the court, lackeys with smoking dishes and full jugs, past and repast continually, although it was long past midnight. On entering the hall, they found Sir Randall at the head of a vast table, surrounded by a fiercer and more motley collection of individuals than had congregated there even in the time of Sir Rolo. The Lord of the castle had signified that it was his royal pleasure to be drunk, and the gentleman of his train had obsequiously followed in master. Mercurius was delighted with the scene and relaxed his usually rigid continents into a bland and benevolent smile, which became him wonderfully. The entrance of Sir Roger, who had been dead about a year, and a person with hoofs, horns and a tail rather disturbed the hilarity of the company. Sir Randall dropped his cup of wine and father Peter the confessor, incontimately paused in the midst of a profane song,

16:28with which he was amusing the society. Holy Mother cried he, it is Sir Roger, alive screamed Sir Randall. No, my Lord, Mercurius said, Sir Roger is dead, but comeeth on a matter of business, and I have the honor to act as his counselor and attendant. nephew said Sir Roger, the demon Seth justly, I am come on a trifling affair in which the service is essential. I will do anything, Uncle, in my power. Thou canst give me life if thou wilt, but Sir Randall looked very blank at this proposition. I mean life spiritual Randall said Sir Roger, and thereafter he explained to him the nature of the wager. Whilst he was telling his story, his companion Mercurius was playing all sorts of antics in the hall, and by his wit and fun,

17:28became so popular with his godless crew that they lost all the fear which his first appearance had given them. The friar was wonderfully taken with him and used his utmost eloquence and endeavours to convert the devil. The knights stopped drinking to listen to the argument, the men at arms for bore brawling, and the wicked little pages crowded round the two strange disputants to hear their edifying discourse. The ghostly man, however, had little chance in the controversy and certainly little learning to carry it on. Sir Randall interrupted him. Father Peter said he, our kinsmen is condemned forever for want of a single av. Wilt thou said for him? Willingly my lord said the monk, with my book, and accordingly he produced his missile to read, without which aid it appeared that the holy father could not manage the desired prayer.

18:32But the crafty Mercurius had by his devilish art inserted a song in the place of the av, so that father Peter, instead of chanting on him, sang the following irreverent ditty. Some love the maiden chimes which tell, the hour of prayer to sinner, but better's fars, the midday bell, which speaks the hour of dinner. For when I see a smoking fish, or cap on drowned in gravy, or noble honch on silver dish, full glad I sing my nav. My pulpit is an ale house bench, whereon I sit so jolly, a smiling rosy country wench, my saint and patron holy. I kiss her cheek so red and sleek, I press her ringlets wary, and in her willing ear I speak, a most religious av. And if I'm blind yet heaven is kind, and holy saints forgiving,

19:32for sure he leads a right good life, who thus admires good living. Above they say our flesh is air, our blood celestial eiker. O grant, mid all the changes there, they may not change our liquor. And with this pious wish, the holy confessor tumbled under the table, in an agony of devout drunkenness, whilst the knights, the men at arms, and the wicked little pages rang out the last verse, with a most melodious and emphatic glee. I am sorry, fair uncle, hiccuped, so randal, that in the matter of the av, we could not oblige thee in a more orthodox manner, but the holy father has failed, and there is not another man in the hall, who hath an idea of a prayer. It is my own fault, sets a roll, for I hanged the last confessor, and he wished his nephew a surly goodnight, as he prepared to quit the room. Or if our gentleman said to devil mercurious,

20:34and once more fixed his tail, he would rum the neck of his disappointed companion. The spirit of poor Rolo was sadly cast down. The devil on the contrary was in high good humor. He wagged his tail with the most satisfied air in the world, and cut a hundred jokes at the expense of his poor associate. On the sped, cleaving swiftly through the cold night winds, frightening the birds that were roosting in the woods, and the owls that were watching in the towers. In the twinkling of an eye, as it is known, devils can fly hundreds of miles, so that almost the same beat of the clock, which left these two in champagne, found them hovering over Paris. They dropped into the court of the Lazarist Convent, and winded their way through passage and cloister, until they reached the door of the priors, cell. Now the priors, Rolo's brother, was a wicked and malignant sorcerer. His time was spent in conjuring devils and doing wicked deeds,

21:37instead of fasting, scourging, and singing holy sams. This mercurious knew, and he, therefore, was fully at ease as to the final result of his wager with poor Sir Roger. You seem to be well acquainted with the road, said the night. I have reason answered Mercurias, having for a long period at the acquaintance of his reverence your brother, but you have little chance with him. And why, said Sir Rolo, he is under a bond to my master, never to say a prayer, or else his soul and his body are forfitted at once. Why, though false and traitorous devil, said the enraged night, and thou news this when we made our wager? Undoubtedly, do you suppose I would have done so have there been any chance of losing? And with this they arrived at Father Ignatius's door. Like cursed presence through a spell on my niece,

22:38and stopped the tongue of my nephew's chaplain, I do believe that had I seen either of them alone my wager had been one. Certainly, therefore, I took good care to go with thee, however, thou mayst see the prior alone, if thou wilt, and low. His door is open, I will stand without for five minutes when it will be time to commence our journey. It was the poor Barren's last chance, and he entered his brother's room more for the five minutes' respite than from any hope of success. Father Ignatius, the prior, was absorbed in magic calculations. He stood in the middle of a circle of skulls with no garment except his long white beard, which reached to his knees. He was waving a silver rod and muttering in appreciation in some horrible tongue. But Sir Rolo came forward and interrupted his incantation. I am, said he, the shade of thy brother Roger Dorolo,

23:40and have come from pure, brotherly love to warn thee of thy fate. Whence cameest thou, from the abode of the blessed imparadise replied Sir Roger, who was inspired with a sudden thought. It was but five minutes ago that the patron saint of thy church told me of thy danger and of thy wicked compact with the fiend. Go, said he, to thy miserable brother, and tell him there is but one way by which he may escape from paying the awful forfeit of his bond. And how may that be, said the prior? The false fiend hath deceived me. I have given him my soul, but have received no worldly benefit in return. Brother, dear brother, how may I escape? I will tell thee, as soon as I haired the voice of blessed St. Mary Lazarus. The worthy heirl had, at a pinch, coined the name of a saint.

24:40I left the clouds where, with other angels I was seated, and sped Heather to save thee. Thy brother, said the saint, hath but one day more to live when he will become for all eternity the subject of Satan. If he were escape, he must boldly break his bond by saying and have. It is the express condition of the agreement, said the unhappy monk. I must say no prayer, or that instant I become Satan's body and soul. It is the express condition of the saint, answered Roger fiercely. Pray, brother, pray, or thou art lost forever. So the foolish monk knelt down and devoutly sung out and av. Amen, said Sir Roger devoutly. Amen, said Mercurius. As suddenly coming behind, he seized Ignatius by his long beard and flew up with him to the top of the church-stable.

25:40The monk roared and screamed and swore against his brother, but it was of no avail. Sir Roger smiled kindly on him and said, do not fret, brother, it must have come to this in a year or two. And he flew alongside of Mercurius to the steeple top, but this time the devil had not his tail around his neck. I will let thee off thy bet, said he to the demon, for he could afford now to be generous. I believe, my Lord, said the demon politely, that are ways separate here. Sir Roger sailed galely upwards while Mercurius having bound the miserable monk faster than ever. He sunk downwards to earth and perhaps lower. Ignatius was haired roaring and screaming as the devil dashed him against the iron spikes and buttresses of the church. End of the Devil's Wager by William Makepeace Faggare.