This Week's News | Jon Stewart on Trump's Alternate Reality & Michael Kosta on Mamdani's "Penghazi"

0:00You're listening to Comedy Central. Pfff. Pfff. Pfff. Pfff. Folks, I am reenergized. We've been gone for the month. For the entire month of August. I assume the same for yourselves. Now that we are all as a country synced up on the French calendar, we all took the month off. Because I think we learned from experience. August is dead zone. For the publication, the news ticker slows to a crawl. Just a series of blackbearer and swimming pool videos. So I checked down. Pfff. Rejuvenated. Just out of a kind of morbid curiosity. Did I miss anything at all? President Trump rolling back decades of childhood vaccine guidance threatening to demolish the Kennedy Center. Trump's attack on mail-in voting, suggesting that he'll take over the midterm elections. President Trump siding with North Korea. Crisis at sea aboard the USS Lincoln. Conditions so bad, there are reports of sailors attempting to jump overboard.

1:01Trump threatening to wipe out Iran. Threatened to bomb Oman, a U.S. ally. Saying that he was going to use the U.S. military against the bond market? No! Oh no! I'm on the game! I'm on the game! I'm on the game! I love that we thought I needed a beard to look old again. Oh no! Pre-dee! God, it never ends with this dude, Trump. I've never seen one person work so much and fix so little. It's exhausting in a way that's difficult to articulate. Which is why one of the stories from this past August did resonate with me so much more deeply. And that's the plight of the USS Lincoln. 5,000 U.S. sailors and Marines serving on the USS Lincoln,

2:03stepping on dry land for the first time in more than nine months. The once gleaming aircraft carrier, docking in Thailand after 286 days at sea, covered in rust after a record-setting deployment. Do you see it? Look! Look carefully! Do you see? Let's do the before! Let's do the after! Do you see the metaphor? This ship! A symbol of American might, ingenuity, technical know-how, patriotic determination, laid low by prolonged exposure to relentless, corrosive elements, recklessness, management. This ship, do you see? It's not the USS Lincoln. It's not. It's just U.S. It's just us. Where the ship?

3:05This is what we look like as Americans inside after 18 months of this presidency. Warn. By the way, we don't get the one week Thai sex trip to try and paper it all over. We just have to suck it up! I want you to look at the picture of this rusted... Look at it! Don't look away. I want you to think about the visible, tangible, actual, indisputable, factual signs of corrosion on this ship. This is the president discussing it. People on the Lincoln, they say it's beautifully maintained and beautifully taken care of. It's not! It is obviously not! Look at it! Look at my brain yet! The actual Abraham Lincoln is in better shape than its ship!

4:09Beautiful! Beautiful! A beautifully maintained, beautifully taken care of ship doesn't look like the abandoned bridge near my high school where we used to smoke weed. It doesn't! And it's this. The relentless denial of reality that it's just one of the elements eating away at the foundational load-bearing structures that hold this country together. Us and the other corrosive element by God, the other, the memes. Make it stop. Over night, the trade war with Canada continuing to escalate. President Trump posted a hockey cartoon mocking Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney as governor. What the f***? F***! First of all, I can't believe AI has gotten so advanced.

5:09It can fit Trump's ankles into ice games. That's not real. That can't be right. It's a computer generator. Yeah, we're in a full-blown trade war with Canada. We're in consequences. Here's what they're hearing from their leader. In the face, the unjustified, unprovoked terrors from the United States. We're stepping up. When we're united, there's nothing the Canadian workers can't do. Oh, jeez. Here's what we're getting. So Lake Ontario, that's gone. Lake. America. Thank you very much, everybody. Enjoy Lake America. You can't do f***ing. That's not how things work. You don't settle complicated international agreements by writing just a new name on the map.

6:09And expecting everyone to just follow along. Google Maps is complying with President Trump's executive order, renaming Lake Ontario to Lake America. Goal. I can feel the rust eating me. Canada's our second largest trading partner. 60% of our oil imports come from Canada. Half of our timber. We get parts for cars and plain. Not to mention 100% of our Carly Rae's jepsin. Why would we be trolling them? Is that the plan to troll them into submission? Treasury Secretary Scott Besson. Is that a substantive understanding of the Canada United States dynamic? How do you see all of this playing out? You know, Laura, the Ida German Shepherd, and there was a doxin that used to antagonize her at the playground.

7:12Oh, yes. The playground. As dog people famously refer to the place they take their dogs to play. Yes, my shepherd friend and I were enjoying a sphere retrieval session at the playground. You know dogs are truly one of man's closest associates. But carry on with your trenchant completely real story analogy. And this little yippie dog that used to just like, bark away. And for a long time, 110 pound German Shepherd was ignoring the doxin. And then one day she'd had enough. And unfortunately, Prime Minister Carney did walk away.

8:13Is it weird that the Treasury Secretary is at some sort of German only doxin? German only dog playground? The German Shepherd and the doxin? The German Jewish house in the Bible, Ina. But these doodle isn't much. It's a mongrel. It makes breed doodle on queen. Sorry, Germany, you brought these jokes back yourself. But seriously, who is the United States in this analogy anyway? Are we the doxin? Are we the shepherd? Did Canada walk away from the deal? Were we the ones who blew up the deal with last minute stuff? I spoke to President Trump over the weekend after the breakdown in negotiations with Canada. He did not dispute the US-added conditions late in the talks. He said, quote, that sounds like me.

9:13End quote. That sounds like me? That sounds like me? It just happened. This isn't some story from the frat days. We were like, woke up in a pool and I own vomit in a trade war with Canada. I guess that sounds like me. But I'm married now, settled down. But in those days, man, me and the boys shirt could do. And in the boys shirt could derail in negotiations. God, can you just feel the metal bumbling on our starboard side? But with the trade war now here, the news media has been quick to jump in and explain what's at stake. Americans are now facing higher prices, some examples. Milk, honey, smartphones, liquor, and even wigs and fake beards. Oh, beauty. I'll never let them take you. But hey, man, Canada. It's about time you learned to lessen Canada.

10:13That's right. Don't f*** around and yet still have to find out for some reason. Oh, beauty. I'll never let them take you. But hey, man, Canada. It's about time you learned to lessen Canada. That's right. Don't f*** around and yet still have to find out for some reason. And if you think Canada got rigged over the coast, Steve Whitkoff and Jared Kushner headed to Russia to let Vladimir Putin know what we thought of their war of aggression in Ukraine. Yeah, who's the doxon in that room? So, first of all, President Putin, thank you so much for having us. We were sitting outside just now, me, Jared and Carol, and then Yuri joined us. And we were all talking about when we retire, we'll have all these incredible stories and incredible memories and yours will be right at the top of it all. Jared and I just want to thank you.

11:23This has been the best semester abroad. I said, I wasn't going to do this. The best semester abroad, Jared, and I could have ever asked for it. And by the way, what the f*** is going on with Jared? He looks like he pre-poisoned himself. What's happening? Do you really tell he lives in Miami for a time now? By the way, why are we even over there negotiating with him? Why can't Trump just f***ing get out the old one-two year? Why can't he just look at that and go like, oh, you know what we should do? Here's what we'll do. And we'll call it love-estan. Oh, there we go. It's all fixed! You see in this sh**, Google? Now I know that the naysayers out there are all going to go, oh, oh, but that thing you drew, John.

12:33That's not real. It's not real. But isn't that the trick? Isn't that the whole game that's keeping this incompetent ship of fools of an administration to float? You're filling up your tank these past six months. Probably feeling like gas prices are high. Well, joke's on you! How much longer will Americans continue to see these high gas prices? Well, then that very high. So... You think they're high? They're not high? They're actually gas-gas lighting us. And you may say, oh, oh, but you know what? Even Trump can only stave off reality for so long that the cumulative effects of high prices and punitive and chaotic tariffs and reckless wars and narcissistic self-aggrandizement will take an inevitable toll that cannot be denied. And yet, and yet, that's well-made-dane! Every presidency in a second term, his poll numbers usually start to decline and he starts to weaken.

13:33And that's happening to you. No, it's not fake polls. I have great poll numbers. You have great poll numbers. Sure, presidential polls are scored on a scale of one to thirty, right? At thirty-two, you're killing it? And by the way, where does Trump get the idea that his policies are having a positive impact? I have people coming up to me that have 401Ks. They said, you know, I was a disaster. My family wouldn't talk to me. They thought I was a total loser. And now I'm like, the one guy said, I feel like Warren Buffett. Oh, I see. Trump gets it from fictional interactions. From people whose families had cut them off because of portfolio performance issues. I went no contact with my parents because they're underperforming index funds. Autoxic.

14:34And you may say that you don't know that these interactions didn't happen. Oh, but we do, friends. We do. We know, by the way, Trump describes the interactions. Every day I come to the White House, people are thanking me. Thank you, sir. Thank you. Thank you, sir. Oh, shit. First of all, you don't come to the White House. You live there. You don't come to the White House every day. Your commute is stairs. And anybody you run into works there. But I'll let you continue describing the regular folk you run into on your way to work. No, these young, beautiful girls. These young, beautiful girls. These young, beautiful girls in the White House. What's with the three times? You trying to beatle juice this shit? Tell us again. No, I mean it.

15:36Tell us again. What are all the young, beautiful girls that you run into on your commute to the White House from the White House? What do they tell you? Is gorgeous, beautiful girls they want to be safe? And Mr. President, I speak to you. Thank you, sir. Thank you. I said, why you thank me? Because a year and a half ago, I was afraid to leave. I was afraid to open the door of my apartment. And now I walk to the White House every morning and I have absolutely a lot of fear. Thank you, sir. Well, that is true. It was pretty chaotic around the White House a while back. I do remember that. But you chuck cleaned all that up. This is definitely fine. Let's say this. Got another city. Look, there is a part of me I have to say that thinks fighting his reality distortion field is slowly killing us all, is rusting us out from the inside like that poor battleship.

16:36Maybe living in it is better. Maybe it's just better to be the guy in the matrix going, I don't know, blue pills not so bad. Reality has stake, not one. But I know too much. How do I even get there? Who would even give me the blue pill? She's one of President Trump's closest aides and Natalie Harp. Harp's nickname is the human printer because she follows the president everywhere, with a laptop and printer feeding him a steady stream of positive news stories. Yes, Donald Trump has an individual whose whole job is to reinforce his worked reality. And if you think you might go into that field and we're wondering what kind of qualifications you might need, buckle up. And Aid's so devoted that she sprints alongside his golf card when he's out on the links. She wants jumped in the trunk of an SUV to ensure she would be able to be with the president for a court appearance, when they're born in upseats in the motorcade. And the head of the court had reportedly slept in the Bedminster Women's locker room to be closer to Trump,

17:38who wrote him letters that can only be described as love letters. The quote, I never want to bring you anything but joy. For the sake of my own sanity, I'm going to pretend that's referring to the dish washing liquid. Let's start with the big event that finally kicked off tonight. Fans from across the country filled the stands to cheer on big, sweaty men with brain problems. At Trump's mint term convention in Dallas. We'll have more coverage tomorrow so you don't want to miss it. Everyone's going to be there. And I mean everyone. Are you going to the midterm convention? No, I'm going to be in my district. Okay, fine, okay, fine. That guy's not going to be there, but everyone else is going. Are you going to go to the public convention next week? I'm planning to be in my district. I have to be in the district because I have events. I'll be in the district traveling across the district.

18:39Damn it. Does everyone have a district nowadays? Okay, fine, they're out too, but it's not like everyone's campaigning. At least the rest of the GOP can go. I want to get there, but I've got a few things on my son's playing high school football. And I promised I might not miss any of his games. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, classic midweek high school football game. That's why they call it Wednesday night lights, baby. Clear eyes, full hearts, can't go. Okay, that guy's out, but everyone else. My son's getting married in Greece. Destination wins. I have a good excuse, right? Son, I need you to get married in Greece this week. I know you don't love her, but this is important. But don't worry, everyone else is going that didn't have stuff planned. I had stuff already planned in my congressional district. I didn't know stuff was a political term.

19:40I thought it was just what I told my wife what I was doing when I drink alone in the garage. But look, it's not like they're all just trying to avoid Trump like the plague because these excuses are valid. House appropriations chair Tom Cole says he has a can't miss dove hunting event. Yeah? Oh yeah, you can't miss dove hunting. Eat lead symbol of peace. All right, so a lot of the people aren't showing up to the convention, but don't worry, Mitch McConnell, he's already there. His office just posted a photo and he's looking better than everyone. That's proof. But the midterm convention isn't the only big event happening this week. Hey, tell him what else is going on, JD? We're about to celebrate the 25th year.

20:41Yeah, okay, well, we're not going to celebrate it, JD. Happy 9-11, everyone. I brought Rice Krispy Towers. JD Vance sounds like me when there's a Jewish holiday coming up. Happy Yom Kippur. Is this a happy one? I don't... Okay, so we're not going to celebrate 9-11, but we are going to commemorate 9-11. And one thing I always think about is how in the days after the attacks, President Bush made a genuine effort to defend Islam. These acts and violence against innocents violate the fundamental tenants of the Islamic faith. And it's important for my fellow Americans to understand that Islam is peace. Boy, we really didn't know how good we had it, didn't we?

21:53I'm not saying this man was perfect, but that was a full coherent non-racist sentence. Hindsight, huh? The point has back in 2001. President Bush was imploring the country not to lump all Muslims in with the terrorists who committed 9-11. So now it's 25 years later. Hey, how's that going? An online petition is calling for New York City Mayor, Mamdani, to skip this Friday's 9-11 memorial ceremony. Why don't you go visit one of the mosques you support? It is now racist to be wary of a religion that calls for the killing of anyone that doesn't subscribe to it. It doesn't feel very racist to be Islamophobic. It seems kind of sensible. Well, all of the Muslims he supports are murderers. Okay, I guess some of you guys might have missed the Bush speech. So yeah, it sure seems like people are mad that the mayor of New York is going to attend a 9-11 memorial while being Muslim. And Mamdani can't be happy about that, but he's staying above the fray.

22:55And this last week, he signed a proclamation declaring September 11th a citywide day of remembrance. It's the kind of solemn, serious ceremony that I'm sure his critics will be happy about. Right? Right? Right? It is being called a slap in the face to the families of 9-11 victims. He handed a ceremonial pen to his, first his one staffer. Then he puts it in the hands of Ramzi Kassam. All right. Well, so much for that. And also, wait, wait, wait, wait. What are you complaining about? Who is Ramzi Kassam? I mean, from his name, I can guess what you think is wrong with him. But I'm going to let you say it. We know he's Mamdani's chief counsel. That's fine. But he once represented a convicted al-Qaeda member whose brother-in-law hijacked the plane that struck the Pentagon. Ah, okay. So apparently the mayor shouldn't come to ground zero because his lawyer's former clients, brother-in-law,

24:00was one of the hijackers, and then that guy was in a movie with Kevin Bacon. LAUGHTER First of all, I don't like the implication that I can be held responsible for the actions of my brother-in-law, okay? I mean, he married my sister, Yuck! LAUGHTER But secondly, just because a lawyer represents someone doesn't mean they support their actions, John Adams defended the redcoats accused in the Boston massacre because he believed everyone had the right to legal counsel. And yeah, that's right. I stayed awake for the first eight minutes of the Paul Giamadi miniseries, so suck it. LAUGHTER So fine. Maybe you don't like that this guy's in Mam Donnie's administration but why do you care that he gave him a pen? Everything that the mayor does is very scripted, and he is giving some

25:02gliminal messages. This is things that he are doing intentionally. He's spitting in the face of victims and survivors of 9-11. I'm telling you, this was symbolism. It was cryptic, but it was a message. LAUGHTER Seriously? He gave a pen to everyone. It's not like when he passed it to Ramsey Kossum, he went, whew! APPLAUSE APPLAUSE Okay, if you really are sending a message, who is he sending the message to? I hate to even say this Laura, but you know, it's a message to Osama bin Laden that, look, we conquered New York. LAUGHTER A message to Osama bin Laden. LAUGHTER Lady, guess what?

26:02LAUGHTER I have some great news for you. The United States has conducted an operation that killed Osama bin Laden. Yeah! We did it! APPLAUSE APPLAUSE 15 years ago! Look, I know nothing I say is going to convince the Mam Donnie haters, but it's going to be a great deal. I'm going to ask me, the idea that 9-11 is about Muslims versus America isn't just wrong. It's accepting Osama bin Laden's vision of the world. In the fact that 25 years after 9-11, we have a New York-grown Muslim mayor leading our remembrance. APPLAUSE Proves. Proves to the world that Al-Qaeda didn't win New York one. APPLAUSE So yes. So yes. Everyone is welcome at the 9-11 ceremony, and I'd look, I would be there, but unfortunately,

27:08I'm going dove hunting and it's skimmed. LAUGHTER We're less than two months away from the midterms, which means you've got just under 60 days to find out who your representative is and where you're going to be. And what Congress does is to find out who your representative is and what Congress does. Republicans are laser focused on keeping their majority in Congress. How's it looking? Democrats are leading in most of this November's Keyes U.S. Senate races. The likelihood that Democrats actually flip the House is approaching 70 percent. Republicans are facing many challenges, including high gas prices, and the president's growing unpopularity, with 64 percent in a new NBC news poll saying they disapprove of his job performance. APPLAUSE Americans are so unforgiving. You lose one war. You blow up one economy. You give people one explosive diarrhea. Get over it.

28:08At this point, the only people Trump is pulling well with is the company that makes the number five that goes on gas station price boards. Business is through the roof. But seriously, these polls are bad. Bad news for the GOP, which is probably why they're trying something new this year. They're first ever mid-term convention in the country's most exciting city, Dallas. APPLAUSE The stakes are high. So Republicans need to go big. APPLAUSE Hello, Dallas. APPLAUSE Hello, Dallas. APPLAUSE Sir, that's not what they meant when they said Trump loves giant knockers. APPLAUSE Fun fact, that's a normal-sized gavel. He's just a very small man. LAUGHTER All jokes aside. Fellas, remember, it's not the size of the gavel that matters.

29:08It's the size of your penis. LAUGHTER Once they got the comically large gavel out of the way, they brought out Senator Tim Scott, who wanted to make his stage time count. Hello, Dallas. This mid-term, we face the most dangerous, radical, and frankly, weird, democratic candidates in American history. Here in Texas, you got James Tallerico. APPLAUSE The different crafts, extreme candidates won't rip that heart out of our chest. They hate our culture. They hate what it means to be American. Hear me, Dallas. Not on our watch. We're talking about Jesus. Oh! Does this guy have range or what?

30:08LAUGHTER He can do preacher on cocaine. He can do wrestler on cocaine. He can do stand-up comedian who's on his normal amount of cocaine. This is a level of energy that can only be described as my six-year-old two minutes before bedtime every single night. Honey, go to bed. The Lord does not want me to sleep tonight. Jesus! LAUGHTER And now let's keep this high-octane party going with the always-electric Texas Senate candidate Ken Paxton. You're baddling for your life, Ken. It's one of the biggest races in the country. You show America what you've got. I will fight to preserve the American dream. James Tallerico is running to destroy it. He is a democratic socialist who never met a tax increase he didn't love.

31:08California already has two senators. It doesn't need a third. LAUGHTER Said God is non-binary. I must have missed that verse in the Bible. Oh! Oh, no, he didn't make anyone laugh. Guys, awful. Are they really running this charisma, black hole, and one of the most important Senate races in the country? President Trump, you endorse this guy, so you have to sell us on him. He may not dress right. He may not talk exactly perfectly. And he may not be the best-looking guy I've ever seen. Sold! LAUGHTER Jesus! Don't let Donald Trump be your wingman. Hey, my broke, dickless friend across the bar. He thinks you're cute. Also, he smells bad. You want to go home with him? But you know what? Trump doesn't need Ken Paxton to keep the House in the Senate.

32:10He has a secret weapon, and it's called a bribe. Because we've done so well, and because our country is making so much money, if the Republicans win the House of Representatives and the United States Senate, I will issue a dividend to every adult citizen in the United States of America for $5,000. Holy shit, $5,000. $5,000. That's two trips to the grocery store. Or one, if you buy raspberries. I like how Trump calls this a dividend. Do you know when businesses hand out dividends when they're raking in money? The last time I checked, we, as a country, have negative $40 trillion of money. America should not be handing out dividends. We should be faking our own death and starting a new life in Thailand. But look, you do have to acknowledge the political appeal of a promise like this.

33:12And I'll think of something we'd love to do with $5,000. Me personally, I would donate it to abandoned children. I feel bad about abandoning them, so that's the least that I could do. So I don't know how well this will go over with Democrats or deficit hogs, but I'm sure Trump supporters are ecstatic. $5,000 promises to all Americans if the Republicans keep the House in Senate. Not bad. I'm not sure that's okay, but I think it's kind of fun. Yeah. And you know what? That's what being president's all about having fun. Even Brian Kilmeade didn't know what to make of this. I'm not sure that's okay, but I think it sounds kind of fun. He sounds like Trump just asked him to throw rocks off the overpass. But unlike Kilmeade, I'm not conflicted at all. I'm excited to get this money. And we're going to. So it's definitely gonna happen. As we've similar offers before that went nowhere, a $2,000 tariff rebate check and the $5,000 doge dividend,

34:18neither of those ended up happening. Okay. Okay, but you know how sometimes you live on Maple Street, but your mail goes to Maple Drive. Well, maybe that just happened to every single person in America. So yes, this is just the latest in a cycle of Trump's behavior with the American people. He promises a huge payout, that never happens. And then he promises an even bigger payout, and then that never happens. And this spiral is exhausting, poisonous, and it makes you question the very health of our democracy. And look, I'm not sure that's okay, but it is kind of fun. Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts. Watch the Daily Show weeknight at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast.