What Wives Don’t Understand About Husbands

0:00College football is back. So, Hilton called to me the superstition concierge to make your fan rituals a reality. Need a room to match your lucky number? We got you. Want to make sure our team doesn't wash your lucky jersey? Oho, that smells lucky. Hilton's unmatched hospitality can keep up with any superstition. Even a marching bandwink up call it 555 and 55 seconds. Hit it! When you need a team that will do whatever it takes on game day, it matters where you stay. Hilton, for this day. There are four things every husband needs from his wife. And here's the thing. Women have no idea what all of them are. In spoiler alert, it's not her fault. We never communicated this effectively and most of us couldn't even name all four of them if we were put on the spot anyways. So what happens is that you wait for her to get it. You tell yourself that she should know this by now. And when she doesn't fulfill those needs, you start keeping score of all the times she misses them. But she was never a mind reader. And you didn't have the tools to communicate this to her effectively.

1:00So today we're naming all four and we're giving you the word to say them out loud in a way that your wife can receive. So you have to get this bell as well so that you get this every single time a new episode or show goes live. We love bringing these to you and we will continue to create better and better shows and episodes each and every week for you. God bless. Alright, so I'm excited, Devin, to be talking about this with you. I'm so grateful for you and Kim in the book here. The marriage gap that you came out with and let's dive into these four needs of a man. What we understand and what we come to both realize personally in our lives and you bring out beautifully in this book, but also me and my own lived experience is that this idea that our wife should just know our needs or our wife used to fulfill our needs.

2:06And now she doesn't isn't isn't just made up. It's not a crazy assumption. I was really reflecting on this before the show here because we actually have evidence for this, right? And when you think about your, even the engagement period or the honeymoon time, right, everything was just about each other and needs were all being met and fulfilled and you couldn't have to name them because there was such an abundance and such a generosity of love that was flowing within the marriage covenant and our time together as husband and wife. There was no, nothing pulling at our time or over pulling at the energy. There was no kids that were pulling at us. And so then once things started getting scarce within our marriage, we start realizing that we don't actually think the same thing and operate the same way and want the same stuff. And we start struggling with that and trying to figure through that and it can be toxic, can be tension, and so can be just building and building and building and that gap, as you speak, of just continues to grow wider and wider.

3:19And for oftentimes, many marriages that gap is so wide and the resentment is so deep and the frustrations are so overwhelming that people begin to feel like they're just brothers and sisters living in the same house, but not actually living that vow of marriage. And so you realize that right, Devon, and you decided to do something about it. I'm putting this in here. I'd love to hear your thoughts. I don't know. A lot of times it doesn't feel like you're even brother and sister. It feels like you're arch enemies. There you go. It can be a war zone at times. I think, obviously, our book is very raw and real and by the way, people are just the response from it's just unbelievable. People are so thankful and saying that it's the most unique book they've ever read on marriage. They've never seen a book as far as the dialogue. So that's really a positive feedback. But I think that just in reflect on why we wrote this is because we struggled.

4:22I mean, there was a point where I almost left, you know, there was a point where she had it with me. We couldn't communicate. I remember just one time just being so fed up just trying to have these discussions with her. And I thought I was saying something that was perfectly made perfect sense. And she said something that seemed so illogical as a response. It was disproportional to what I was saying. And then she walks out and I hit the granite countertop so hard that I thought, man, I thought I broke my arm. You know, but it's that kind of tension that came out. Why is it so tense? It's because actually, and this is what I think is the reason why it's so painful and the reason why we can become so angry or so passionate negatively is because that demonstrates really that the love really is there. Deep down that we really want this thing to work. But the wires are getting crossed and we have so much tension. And from a guy perspective, I think that's what we're going to focus on today really is like, you know, the basic problem here is that the frustration and the infidelity and the resentment that we men experience in marriage is very real.

5:36I talk to guys all the time they've grown resentful. They're very frustrated. They don't understand her. But that resentment that frustration oftentimes is because she doesn't address his most fundamental needs. But the problem, the reason why she doesn't address his most fundamental needs is because she really doesn't know what his most fundamental needs are. And the reason why she doesn't understand his most fundamental needs is because he's not communicating them. And the reason why he's not communicating this is because he doesn't know or understand or not how to put words or is willing to even be vulnerable enough to even go there to admit that he has needs. And so it's all based on that foundation is that he has to know himself as what the great philosopher says, know thyself. And part of knowing yourself is knowing your needs, what your God given needs, your authentic divinely, if you want to say, purposed needs, knowing yourself, knowing your needs, and then being able to be humble enough and brave enough and strong enough to articulate them and to convey them, communicate them to your spouse, your wife, that's so important.

6:40But here's the real problem, I think, is that when you were talking at the very beginning about guys expressing their needs, man, even me, after even writing this book, a wall goes up. And I'm like, there is, you know, you just get this feeling like, no, I'm not going to express what's going on inside of me. I don't want to be vulnerable. I don't want to look needy. I don't want to peer impoverished. And therefore, I don't want to talk about these things. It'll just go away. It'll take care of yourself. She'll read my mind and we'll figure this out another way. But the last thing I want to do is put my cart, put my cards on the table. That's right. Yeah, because we men have this desire to control or always appear in control. And the idea of being vulnerable in these situations, even with our wife, can make us feel like we are somehow, you know, lacking in that. And that sort of desire of a man that we feel we need to be. Yeah, exactly. The word is weak. Yeah. We don't want to appear weak, even though we know at some level we are. And this is the art or the mystery of it all is that God has created us with a need, a need for her.

7:57It is not good that the man is alone, Abaddad and the Hebrew, which literally means bad. The only time in the creation count where God says something was bad was that man was alone. So we do have a need. We are weak in this area. But in our weakness, we become strong when we say, not that I need this or I need that, but I need you. That's the fundamental kind of pivot there. And so far the wives listening, we're so happy that you're here. As we go through these for needs, I want to say that you might think you know what they are. And I'm pretty sure you will be surprised at some of them. And how that comes about. But it's not as in fact, Devon, I would like you before we jump into these these four core needs. I'd love for you to actually go back over the problem, that chain that you laid out quickly here. And this is not to blame men and it's also not to blame women. It is just the reality of how we've all entered into the marriage, our marriages and our, you know, sacrament here. And this needs to be stated because I think it resonates. It resonated with me. And I think it's going to resonate with more and more of our listeners.

9:12Yeah. And so this is from the male perspective, ladies and my brother. This is from your perspective. And we're trying to help you to be able to articulate and convey your position. You know what I mean? Because this is very difficult for us. And that's why we wrote this book, The Marriage Gaps, so that you can have these conversations with your wife so that you don't have to try to make it up yourself or figure out yourself. There's tons of research behind this that we're going to have the book in the set these conversations in this book contain can help you have those conversations with your wife on a level where you're not accusing or blaming. So anyway, it be the, if you're feeling frustration and infid or a tendency toward infidelity, resentment, a tendency toward fleeing or ignoring or neglecting your wife. Well, most likely that's because she's not addressing your needs. So the first thing is if you feel that resentment, that bitterness of your wife, you know, you're not going to be able to do that. That bitterness, a temptation to flee, a temptation to turn to porn, infidelity, that's the first thing. That's the trigger, right?

10:12That's an indication number two that your wife, most likely at some level is not addressing your core fundamental needs. But it's not all her fault. It leads that third principle is because she doesn't know your core fundamental needs. And why doesn't she know your core fundamental needs? Because you are not communicating your needs effectively. And why aren't you communicating your needs? And this is the problem because you don't know, understand, you don't have the words to convey them or you're just unwilling because you peer weak. And so that's the, so at the bottom line, we're going to give you the foundational information and tools to actually be able to know, understand, and express your God given for core needs. And so then that's, we hand that off to you to where you can say, okay, now I'm going to pick one of these and have a conversation with my wife on date night or couch time or whatever it is and say, look, this might sound weak or this is where I'm from, this is she will love you for it. She's like, oh, I have a target to shoot for now.

11:12That's right. Yeah, exactly. And I think that's at the heart of it is love. And we want to, we want our wives to be happy. We want to fulfill their needs. We want to grow in that self giving sacrificial love that we're all called to and so do our wives. And when both of us are pursuing that and I know when I say that there's a couple individuals that are listening, they're like, not my wife, but no she does. Maybe the damage, the rupture, the gap has been so wide, but trust me that this is possible. Right. God's grace is beyond all, you know, our ability to understand to be aware and to to even comprehend. And so he wants this loving union to exist, your loving union to exist, to thrive so that both of you can get to heaven and spend eternity with him. And really that's at the goal. So hey, let's let's dive in and let's talk about how we how we know these four core needs, how we can communicate them lovingly and and where we go from there. So the first one is what everybody's thinking. No, actually it's not the first one is respect, her believing and trusting in him.

12:25And so Devon, I'd love for you to take us away into that first core need of a man. Yeah. So fundamentally. So originally before we wrote the book, I was convinced that a man's foundational core need is to be respected. Yeah, actually, I believe it was sex. Like 20 years ago. Exactly. And a lot of it, but but no, I came to believe it was respect. But then after like interviewing guys and doing, you know, surveys, what we realize it's highly nuanced. It's not just the tip of the hat. Oh, I respect you. Oh, you're great. Or, you know, whatever. No, it's it's respect, but to be believed in. And so, you know, the Latin word not to go off here, but for respect is not just the tip of the hat. But for respect is RE, which says like again, and then specere, which is to see men need to be seen a new, they need to and that's what respect is all about. So when their wives see them a new for who they are, what they're offering, what they're bringing to the table, literally and fit metaphorically.

13:30That's when she can respect them. But we found that men want their wives to say, or not to say, but to really have it the heart of their belief, I know you've got this. I know you can do this. And I just want to read this to you. Page 68, this is very powerful. Respect, respect, express by a wife's belief in her husband gives him confidence, surety and affords him with the belief I'm worthy. I have what it takes. I can accomplish the task at hand. I can risk failure. If I fail, she will be there to believe in me, which gives me the courage to try again. And I can win, I can win and be a winner, even if I lose. So the point is, is like when a wife believes in her husband, when she respects him that much, he's willing to risk. And then he's willing not only to risk, but to even fail. And then if he fails, he's willing to try again. Now does this mean that she's the sole source of respect for the men in no way? Only God is the sole source of respect. And in fact, this is why we want respect.

14:37This is because God has hardwired us to long for his approval, his respect in a way. And why do we respect him so much is because he's God. He's all powerful. And we respect those who are greater and more powerful than us. And when they approve us and respect us, then we feel powerful. But a woman, she can be a conduit, a channel or a reservoir of this God-given respect to the man. And when she doesn't, boy, watch out. And because like Bradley University, there was a study that showed that, and we included this in the book, but that 90% of men struggle with bodily dissatisfaction and negative opinion of self. 90%. So when a worthy woman, a great woman, a woman who really loves her husband and she respects him and she believes in him that he has what it takes and she communicates that to him, that takes that guy out of that 90% towel, right? And it moves him into that 10% towel where he's confident.

15:46And when he's lucky, he'll sense unmatched hospitality can keep up with any superstition, even a marching bandwink up call it 555 and 55 seconds. Hit it! When you need a team that will do whatever it takes on game day, it matters where you stay. He'll sense it for this day. Yeah, when I like that, we're talking about, there's a both-hand here, right? I think we often address this respect issue, almost a little bit too binary. Our wife has to do this. So as to do this, and if she doesn't do it like this, then it's not going to satisfy this need. And so I really want to spend some time digging into that because before I do, though, I'd like to what you just stated about how 90% of men have this difficulties and struggles with both body image and confidence in themselves and what they're capable of doing. Men, we have to learn to be more impeccable with our word. We have to be more impeccable with the word that we use and we can have a whole episode on the importance of the word and why that's so important to God's image and his design for mankind.

16:52But also our internal word that we are telling ourselves and what we're allowing to ruminate on within our mind. And we have to learn to play control over that. And so, but I appreciate you bringing that up. And in wives, this is something that is the, it's the first core need for a reason because it does. It helps reframe. It helps keep us from going into these dark negative areas that then we start looking for alternative solutions to make up for that lack of respect. And so, going back though, Devon, I'd love for you to spend some time talking about this understanding that there's only one way that respect needs to be delivered or maybe even what respect actually is because I know you go into that very beautifully that it's not just admiration and ego-stoking and things like that. So, I'd love to kind of help be a little bit more precise in defining that.

17:54So, what, help me understand, what do you think is the one way perhaps the false way of, yeah, that thank you. Yeah, that wives just need to constantly talk about how great their husband is. No, right. And every time, every time you see your husband do something bad, you don't say anything or you reaffirm him that next time it'll be great and everything, you know, she's like your life coach. So, yeah, I'd love to get your thoughts on beyond that. Yeah, so it's not being his cheerleader as my wife and other women have pointed out and they don't want another child in which they have to cuddle and, you know, give him words of affirmation all the time. But what it is though is giving him enough room to hang him, enough rope to hang himself. College football is back. So, Hilton called him me the superstition concierge to make your fan rituals a reality. Need a room to match your lucky number? We got you. Want to make sure our team doesn't wash your lucky jersey? Oh, that smells lucky. Hilton's unmatched hospitality can keep up with any superstition.

18:55Even a marching bandwick up call it 555 and 55 seconds. Hit it! When you need a team that will do whatever it takes on game day, it matters where you stay. Hilton, for this day. Hilton away. It's like, like my wife, she's like, I'm scared to death when you do electrical, you know? Like, which goes, but I'm going to let you do it. And because I do believe at the end of the day, you have what it takes to do it. Now, I love it. Like, I remember one time I was expressing to my wife, I had to lead a men's retreat. And I was just really hesitant. I didn't want to do it. I mean, I did want to do it, but I was just like sort of fearful. And I expressed that to her and she goes, you're made for this. This is what God's designed you for this. And like, those words still echo to this day when I got and give retreats and talks, you know? And so it's this idea that, I mean, if you married him and you don't believe that he has the capability to come through for you and come through for his children and come through for the Lord, there's something wrong.

19:56But that can dwindle over time. So how do you read the key is to rekindle that to see him again and see he does come through in all these different areas. So I think that yes, it's binary. If we're just looking at it either or from the wife, it can't be that way. So for me as a man, my 90% of my confidence does not come from my wife. It comes from God, God the Father. And it comes from my divine sonship. And until I get that right. So what it is is the wife is actually, and we'll get to this in the last need, I think. But the wife needs to be this incredible life source, but she's not the source of that life. God is. So with respect, she is a conduit of respect, but she's not the source of it. If I'm making any sense. So here's what we need to do is men. Like you were saying, we've got to have a prayer life. We've got to have a relationship with God the Father through the sun. We've got to learn to understand that God the Father tests those whom he loves. And the big test is during that trial or test that we trust him, that we know he's going to come through even though it looks like all hell is coming down and crashing down against us.

21:06That's the resilience. So I like to say in this, I've been on radio shows like say with Timry from relevant radio and she's like, she like makes a statement. We wives need to respect our husbands no matter what because there are husbands. And I was like, no, that's not right. You respect the office of your husband. He has the office of spiritual leader. You expect yes, you respect his father, but if he's a sniffling little wimp who does not have any trusting God the Father and he winds and complains is an insecure and he's not providing for your family or your emotional needs, you can't respect that. You can respect him as being a human being the dignity that comes to that you can respect his office, but there's no way you can respect that. And so as men, we need to step up to the plate and find that source of respect, which is God and go to him and ask him, why don't I feel your approval Lord? What is it that's missing and the Father will show us. And then that's our opportunity and fundamentally at the bottom of it is always trust.

22:10The God the Father is probably almost always saying to us, you don't trust me. Yeah, no, this is so good. And so let's move and talk about before jumping into the next corneed. Let's talk about how do men communicate this effectively because I know that you can't just men need this, right? We need the words and we need the direction on how to communicate this because just sitting down with our wives and saying, I need you to respect me. You have to start respecting me, right? Figure out how to respect me more like this is not going to be the communication tools that are going to get get us respect. And especially like you just mentioned, if you're a man who wins and complains and shares all the dirty laundry when he comes home from work or any of these different situations or after he's hung out with his friends, this is not respectful character, man of integrity that we are called to be first.

23:13But now we are, we're pursuing man of integrity and now we need to communicate this effectively to our wives. How do we go about doing that? So I think the first thing is to express to her and so what we're trying to do is give you the words to be able to relate this, but it's in there in the book. But the first thing is to express your babe, you're like a mirror. Okay. So when I look into you, I see your perception of me reflected back to me. And so if your perception of me is disappointment and disgust, or you don't believe in me, I can't help but to see myself in that reflection. So that's the first thing is I need you to begin to see me a new, to see what I'm doing, to see that I'm putting forth effort, to see what I've done in the past and how I've tried not the negative, but the positive even amidst my failures, because that's what God does. God tends to look far more on our effort than he does on our failings, right? Okay. So second is, so that leads to that second point, which is intentionally look to find the good in him.

24:20So whether it's physical, emotional, intellectual, the way he provides, the way he protects, the things he's doing, try to find aspects of goodness in him and focus on those. And even articulate that you see those to him. Okay. So that's the second thing. And then third is express your confidence in him first by not criticizing, demeaning or condemning him for his efforts. Okay. You don't do this or you're always this or you're such a this, stop that. Change your language and begin to express your belief in him. And it, yes. And it does come down earlier. You said, well, is it, you know, just telling your husband how great he is or, well, no, but it is, yes, it's, it's like when you see that he's changed you on the car. Thank you. So glad that you can do that. We don't have to take our car to the shop or you know, or he was, you know, maybe disciplining one of the kids and took that off her plate. And she's like, thank you for stepping in and protecting me.

25:22You know, and if I could just real quick talk about the reverse of that is that, um, chastising him or if he is, I can thank my wife for all my many, many mistakes that she doesn't rub my nose in it. Yes. You know, like if my wife and I have prayerfully discerned that this is the direction. And I know that she's a little hesitant or not on, you know, fully supportive. And it doesn't work out. The worst thing that my wife could do is just start saying, I told you so. And, you know, and, and this you should have just listened to me or see this is exactly what I expected would happen. You know, those sort of phrases just undercut a man's confidence and disrespect a man in a way that is growing and growing that gap or making that gap larger. So, your wife's, your husband does not need to be emasculated by him. The world is already doing that. Okay. You're, you're the one who can actually thwart that negative process of demasculization, whatever the word is. I can't even say it.

26:29But, but really me give an example of this. So, um, I, we have a, we have a tub that has a motor underneath it. And if there's a shroud on it, right, it's all tiled in and there's a tiled panel. And I decided in order to get that towel in and out, I had to put a handle on it and put a, I guess I'm molding around it to tell molding on. So, I was using the, the wet saw getting all that gluted on. I mean, it took a little bit of work. But I, man, the miters, everything was, it came out so nice. And I was so proud of myself. And I'm like, oh, this is going to, and it's fitting perfectly right. But I have to let it dry. So, I'm letting it dry in the garage. And my wife, the next morning, she's, you know, in the kitchen, and we're going to have morning coffee. I think it was like a Saturday or Sunday. And I, and so I grab it like a shield from the handle, right, that I've glued on to the tile panel. This tile panel probably weighs at least 20 pounds, 25 pounds or something with all the marble talent. And so I grab it by the handle like a shield. I bring it into the house. I'm like, and this is the pride. Babe, you know, check this out. I, I did this kind of thing. I didn't say it like that. And then all sudden that handle comes off of the tile. And it just crashes on the hardwood floor and explodes.

27:41And I damage the floor. I break the panel. And I got the handle in my hand, right. And this is a good wife. My wife looks at and says, yeah, look good. You know, you know. But it'll be okay. I know you can do it again. You know, and it was like, oh, she didn't get upset because I screwed up the floor. She didn't get upset because I was such a dork and bringing that in and busting it all up. She's like, yeah, you did it. It, it looked good. But, but I know you can do it again. You know, and I think that that's the difference. It's like when a wife, instead of going, you stupid idiot. Look what you did. You know, like, oh, you know, when she sees, yes, he failed. But he knows she knows that he's already feeling it. So rather than rubbing his nose in his disappointment poop, she lifts him out of that and says, it's okay, babe. Yeah. You're going to do this. I would blessing. Yeah, that's really good. And I appreciate that. That was great. Okay. Well, let's, before we jump on to the second third. Yeah, please.

28:43I think it's important. Five things, though, that that we need to talk to our wives about in this area of respect. Okay. So how to communicate to her, like how she should respect you is basically first, understand the pressure that he's under. Okay. So communicator, babe, you have to understand the pressure in the world and the pressure at home. I want to perform. I want to come through. That's the first thing. Understand the pressure that he's under. Communicate that. You're right. Second communicator that she needs to consider your upbringing, your childhood, whether you have maternal wounds, fraternal wounds, father wounds, whatever it is, make sure that she understands that you don't just you have a context that you've grown out of. And that all is a part of your heritage. And that forms you or can it can, you know, nurture you or deform you. And so it's very important that she understands that and takes that into consideration. The third thing is don't nag and don't tell him what to do, but encourage and support him rather. Okay. And then the fourth is just express thanksgiving appreciate him. See him for what he's doing and express that verbally.

29:47So you encourage his support, but then after he does something, thank him and just, you know, just basically confirm or affirm what he's done. And then lastly, just be gentle with your giant. Don't crash down on him when he fails, like it was just talking about just really be gentle with him because even though he has broad shoulders and thick skin, doesn't mean that he has a hard heart. Oh, it's beautiful. No, I appreciate you sharing that. Those are so important. And and so if you stay tuned, right, we've got the second, third and fourth needs, but don't don't bounce away without knowing that if you click on that link in the show notes, you can get a discount on the book, the marriage gap. 20% off with gentlemen, 20 or Sophia is offering a buy one, get one 50% off so that you could do this with your spouse, but I strongly encourage you to grab this book. And so moving on to the second core need and one that's going to likely ruffle some feathers, right, when it's first heard is that a man's core need for his wife's beauty is something that us men have for our wife's beauty.

30:56And that includes after my incredible wife has had seven children, right, that there is still this love and this desire and this longing for her and for her beauty, not not a reminder of the past. That's not it at all. It is literally still calling to the needs of man. And and so Devon, why don't you share with us what a need for her beauty actually is coming from God. Well, you've been hearing about us talk about it. This is the third episode on this incredible book. And I want to thank our show sponsor, Sophia Institute press and Devonshot, my co host for this incredible book here. Why am I holding two of these books because Sophia Institute press is offering a discount right now where you can buy one, get the second 50% off. If you only need one, use gentlemen 20 and get 20% off on checkout, go get this book, the marriage gap, bundle it with some of the other phenomenal books that Sophie Institute press has. You'll be glad that you did your spouse will be glad that you did. It is worth your time.

32:01Click on that link in the show notes and it'll take you right there. God did make us so that we are attracted to women. I mean, obviously. And it's, it's very important that we understand this jump. And I'm going to call that sexual attraction or that beauty, the raw materials that leads to the invitation toward intimacy and commitment. So we don't do away with this. Now, the rub is is that just when my wife and I were having these conversations about beauty. Immediately a woman goes to the place where I don't have what it takes. I don't have enough, especially like after she, like you were saying your wife has had seven children, mine five, you know, and your wife has had six miscarriages, mine one and and and so their body goes through so much. And so they tend to believe just by what the culture portrays that we want the airbrush beauty or the AI bot or that we, you know, whatever it is. But that's not really the case. You know, we interviewed a bunch of men and and there was one example where if you had a choice between being married to two women for 40 years, you can't divorce, you can't die. There's no way out.

33:09Okay. So these are the you're stuck in this for 40 years, no matter what. No divorce, no separation. One is just a bombshell beauty. She has everything physically going for. But she's off putting she's crass, she's demeaning or she just doesn't respect you or she doesn't fulfill your needs yet she's she's breathtakingly beautiful. Okay. Or you have a wife that's adequately beautiful, you're attracted to her yet she respects you. She addresses your core fundamental needs. She's your partner in life, which would you rather have. And all the men were like by far the second one, right. Which shows that we're not just superficial in the way we approach women. Yes, God's given us this divinely inspired need for a woman's beauty. But yet we know what true beauty is too. And we like, for example, my wife knows a woman who she and her friends, they tan, they got breast jobs, lip jobs, you know, all the fillers, all that stuff, right. bleach blonde, you know, hair, all that stuff.

34:16And they were at a bar. There's like five of these girls and there's a group of guys and they struck up conversation with these guys. And this friend of my wife or acquaintance of my wife said that during the conversation, one of the mass the guys, would they rather have the, you know, the breast job, you know, filler blonde hair beauty who's tan or a natural woman who just has a lot going for with her personality. But yet she has a more of a natural kind of beauty and they were like hands down the one with natural beauty, you know, freckles and all and all that. And they were blown away. They just, they couldn't imagine that. And so there's something in our heart where we want real. We men want real. And so, but here's the problem. Women too want to be beautiful. And this is the rub because women want it both ways. They want to be beautiful and they work on their beauty, but they're appalled and they become resentful when a woman, when a man is attracted them because of their beauty, you know, like it's he's so shallow, you know, he's so surfacy.

35:26And you find this a lot of times in marriage is like we've, you know, talking to so many guys is that their wives will actually put a dress themselves up, put on the makeup, make their hair all pretty and all that. And do that more when they go out with their friends than when they go out with their husband. And so a woman has this internal desire to be beautiful, but men have that need for their wives to be beautiful. And why is it because he wants her to be a trophy? No, because in this is fundamental because if she and this is what we found out what men want in this category, it's one real at the bottom of his one thing that she intentionally and specifically tries to be beautiful for him. Specifically for him, not for her friends, not for the world, not for Instagram, not for Facebook, but for him. That's when he even though his need for this beauty can never be fully satisfied because only God can fulfill it when she's addressing that and actually trying for him intentionally specifically, he sees that and he feels loved.

36:33And this is what is at the bottom of it is he feels respected. It connects back to his first core need. The last bone of my bone flush of my flesh men have this longing for the beauty of our wives. And as you were just kind of already talking about in the surveys that were done is that this core need folds right into the first core need of respect that a woman who is externally beautiful, but lacks any sort of internal character and love and respect and self giving. And so the thing is not desirable. That is a shallow woman. Yes, exactly. It's a hollow of a woman and we, but it folds right in with that element or that first need of respect that can kind of come out of it. So go back and I want to talk just a little bit more because Kim did such a great job right where she she mentions pages 117 118 area she mentions that she pushed back pretty hard where she was like well hormones and weight and hair and no sleep and front be sweats and barely surviving.

37:43So every single morning I have to spend extra time to get beautiful for my husband and and so I just want to bring that out as not what we are suggesting here not what is you know at the heart of the matter. And so I thought it'd be important to hear you kind of comment a little bit on you know frequency and these sort of things that naturally come up as I could never do that. So I think that yeah, that's the common lament of women is that I could never step up to that level of beauty that my husband desires, ain't wrong. Your husband, he found you beautiful on your wedding day and he still sees you in that way. And even if you have gained weight, you have stretched marks, your skin is falling off your bones, whatever it is. So true. We still find we still find you incredibly attractive and we still desire you or so even more so after family and suffering and the hardships and the difficulties and all of that sort of stuff.

38:45Exactly. And what I find is that the the way that my wife has loved me and committed herself to me and the way she sacrificed for me and the children. It somehow and it's a mystery, even though her body is aging, she becomes more beautiful. Yes. And I don't and I can't and it's got it's a divine element to it and the world would scoff at us for this. But it is true. It is real. I remember talking to a guy one time hit a picture of his wife on the on his desk and it was when they were younger and she was, she was really beautiful. And but I knew who she was now and she didn't look like that as much and I said, whoa, that's your wife. I just kind of came out and he said to me, he said, that's how I still see her. Yeah. And I was like, whoa, how like and he said it again. That's how I still see her. He just looked me straight the eyes. And now I understand what he's saying because like I see my wife as the as she just is just as beautiful. If not more, she is more beautiful than she was when we married.

39:51I don't know how other than it's a great mystery, but it's it's the way God has designed it also to we know because of sexual intercourse and the bonding chemicals are released in the brain. When you have sexual intercourse over years and consistently there are hormones that are released in the brain that actually bond you to your spouse that allow you to see them as they were really are spiritually. However you want to put it and it takes that beauty to a whole new level. So guys, what are we trying to how can you communicate this to your wife? It's very important that you don't say you just need to be beautiful. You need to step up and get on the treadmill and you need to put on, you know, loose a couple of pounds and put on nicer clothes and you know, look the part when we go out. No, that's not the answer at all here. The key is assure her of her beauty the more that you tell your wife that she is beautiful the more she's going to want to rise and step up to that beauty. Okay, that's the first thing. So make sure that you're being affirming of her beauty and if you see her trying in any way shape or form whether it's how she dresses her hair if she's doing something new with her hair or she's just exercising or you see her changing her diet, affirm her in it.

41:05Just tell her man, I love to see how you're trying and the point is is because she's doing that for you. She wants you to still find her beautiful so it's very important. So now there's three things I think we need to communicate to her. Before we go on those three things, I don't hear them, but even at mass like if your wife, that's the time where she has the ability to dress up letting her know how beautiful she is. Like in those moments are so necessary and in fulfilling to a wife's core need and I will say that the opposite of because you just stated it and I actually just feel called for whatever reason to bring it up again is to never comment on your wife's weight like never make her feel unbeautiful. Like if you have a desire for her beauty, the best way to never get that beauty again is to comment on things like her weight or how she's looking or you know she's let herself go or these sort of things right that's just a shallow of a man too right that's the beginning going into this.

42:07This every woman has core needs and every man has core needs and complementarity or together they form just the most powerful and beautiful of marriages. Yeah, what you're touching on is her first core need, which is to be secure in his love and her husband's love. And so by saying you need to lose weight or hey, I bought the treadmill for you or look at my neighbor's wife and she's so great. Why can't you be like maybe you should exercise like her. What you're doing is you're you're actually you're sabotaging your own purpose because you're making your insecure in your love. She's beginning to question whether or not you really love her. Does he just love me for my body? Does he just love me for my physicality the way I look or I don't look and therefore I'm insecure in the way that he loves me and therefore I'm worried about this. And you might think that that worry might propel her to work harder but actually women all this research when they're stressed cortisol levels get jacked up when those cortisol cortisol levels are raised and elevated.

43:07They gain weight belly fat increases and therefore the very thing you think that you're achieving you're actually the cause of at some level and so you got to be very careful of this. So what is it that we're trying to communicate to our wives in this area because she does want to be beautiful. I mean like I've heard so many stories, especially guys we interviewed like for example this one got his wife would just dress up and she dress provocatively and all this going out in public being with her friends. And then he thought wow she maybe she wants to you know have intercourse or with me you know and so but then she would reject him and this went on for years and finally I think he said something like who are you trying to look good for them or me. And I think that this is very important so that leads into three things that we need to communicate to her in this area of beauty is number one that she adorn herself occasionally. This is this is the key we're not asking for a wives to be made up and dressed up and hot all the time all we're asking is that you dress you beautify yourself occasionally but purposefully and specifically for me that I know it's for me so like a date night or just because when he comes home from work or whatever.

44:23Just occasionally and intentionally for your husband that goes miles because that says wow she respects me she loves me she was thinking of me she's really trying for me that's the first one. The second one is is and this is hard for women is that she chooses to reveal her god given beauty to him even if she's insecure which means in the bedroom etc that she does undress in front of him and she entrusts herself to him because what that says is wow she trusts me with herself and guys if she does this you need to step up and affirm her in her beauty you need to look her in the eyes and say babe you are so beautiful I'm so thankful you are mine you know I love you I love the way you look everything about you because if you don't what she will she will not do that again because she will feel like she's revealed herself to entrusted herself to you and then it's gone south and she's like I don't want to do that again because I don't want to be rejected but don't want to be hurt. Exactly don't want to be objectified don't be rejected that's exactly right. Yeah and then the third thing it comes she needs and this is tough but ladies care about well this is what you want to communicate to your to your wife is please just care about your body as though you care about me you know so it's it's not a statement on hey I want you stick thin or I want you to weigh this much or I want this or that no it's just just care about yourself and I want you to be able to do that.

45:50What about yourself in the way that you would care about me you know and that's what it says and Ephesians about husbands they love their wives of their own bodies wives should love their husbands as their own bodies so the way that we love and care for our own bodies is kind of like a litmus test if you will of how we care for us because I think that does over years that is one of the things where we stop caring for physicality for a body which is a temple the Lord we become tired emotionally and physically because we're not taking care of our bodies We're not putting in the right things. We're not feeding it correctly. We're not getting the right rest, et cetera. And when we don't care about ourselves, it sends a statement to our spouse that we don't care about them. Yeah, exactly. No, so it's so good. Well, let's move on to the third cornyd, the one that we've all been waiting for. The third cornyd is her physical intimacy, the cornyd of a man. And this is how God made us. And I think that this is so important, right? We keep on going back to this. But this is the way that we were designed, and it is beautiful, and it is good.

46:53And sexual attraction, and we are sexual beings as the reality of our existence shows, and as God has created us to be. And we see that both in Scripture and beyond. But at the same time, as you bring up Devon, and we've talked about before, is that sexual attraction, intercourse, is a nuclear energy, right? And you mentioned that it could, hundreds of thousands of homes, right? Or it can literally just, at the same time, there's the reverse of it, misused, misaligned, it can explode and just destroy cities. You know, it's got that so much power, and it's also that of the group, you know, oftentimes the greatest temptation these days that men face is to lust after or to objectify women, and Satan loves that, and he's definitely pornified our culture and helped these, tricked these women that you were mentioned earlier with the blonde hair and the breast jobs and all that stuff, like that's how they need to be looking.

47:54When that's really not at the heart of it, it's just all a lie. It's all a lie that's been forced upon us that we've inherited, and we have to work towards that, but getting down to the truth of physical intimacy within the marital bond, right? The conjugal act within the marital union here, it is a deep and intimate part of a man's need in life with his spouse. Yeah, very good. That's a great setup because fundamentally most women don't have this need like men do. They have a need for closeness, and in fact, one of the parts of closeness for women is physical intimacy, and I go, oh, great. Excellent. And what we found out from talking to tons of women is that almost unanimously, they would say holding hands, hugs, you know, all this stuff that doesn't lead to sex. And you're like, what? Every single woman had like some caveat that doesn't lead to the bedroom. You know, you're like, what do they have something against sex? You know, it's like, no, it's just that as men though, we are, you know, we have the goal

48:58in mind, you know, the end in sight, and that's climax, you know, when it comes to this physical intimacy. So I want to say to women, yeah, just because this isn't your need predominantly, it is one of his. And it isn't because he's perverted or that he, yeah, that he is shallow. In fact, listen to what Pope John Paul II says. He says, once a couple begins to have sexual intercourse as a habit, and a constant inclination is created, and a mutual need for intercourse comes into being. And notice, it becomes an authentic need. Now he also says, this need, this need is a normal manifestation of love. And not only in the sensual, sexual sense, but in the personal sense too. So they need one another, enter there to become one flesh, John Paul II goes on to say. So the point is, is that a wife cannot say to her husband, you're perverted because

49:58you think you have this need or your shallow or so superficial. No, it's a God-given need. And John Paul II and C.A.J.B. totally confirms that. And so I think that this is where the difficulty of marriage, so why would God create him with this need and her, maybe not so much, is so that she can learn to be a gift to him by addressing this need often and hopefully without him having to ask. And then her need for closeness, he can begin to adjust because he doesn't necessarily have that need like she does. And so that can be hard for him to pull away from work and projects to spend time with her and listening to her and giving her that closeness. So he's got to cross that center line, right, and give to her. But that's where the magic of self-giving love happens and then the two become one and by addressing one another's needs, they feel love, they feel secure and their marriage ends up taking on this dynamic of self-giving that really represents Christ and His church and the Trinity.

50:59So yeah, one of the parts of this self-giving that you're bringing up is the reality that if you're listening to this episode, I encourage you to go and listen to that counterpart, I encourage you to buy the book, but I encourage you to go and listen to the counterpart episode that we already released on the four Corneds of a woman because when these two are both met, when you are trying to meet the Corneds of your wife and she's trying to meet the Corneds of her, her husband, the beauty is unending and it is God-given and it is glorious and it is possible as well. But men, if you see this Corned as something that you get to force upon your wife or even another way of thinking about it is that frequency is a scoreboard, I think you might have mentioned this, where this idea of like every no or every situation that doesn't turn into that climax is somehow a rejection or something, her not fulfilling your Corned, you're missing the point and you're also missing the whole purpose of marriage.

51:59Yeah, for sure. I mean, God designed us with this need for a purpose. Okay, so he wants to make us real men and I think, and we go, we talk about this, how intense this need is from a very early age of, you know, when we go through puberty and all this, but there's a reason why because to be a man is to be sacrificial, to be sacrificial to be self-giving, to be self-giving demands that yes, I give myself away, especially in the sexual act to my wife, so that I engage that and I do it in this interested way to give myself away to her in a way that she feels loved and affirmed and secure. However, there's besides engaging, there's also abstaining. So I give myself away in the act, yes, by loving her disinterestedly, that is for herself interest to offer her that closeness and that emotional intimacy. However, I also abstain in the times that she's not able to or we shouldn't be, et cetera.

53:00And by abstaining, I become the real man because I'm giving myself to her in a different way, a way that's mastered, self-controlled, saying, this is my body given up for you in offering that up as a prayer for her. So these are the two ways that we become real men in self-giving is by actually giving ourselves away in the sexual act in a disinterested way for her own sake, not just so I can climax and I can go roll over and go sleep, but also to abstain and offer that up for her so that she becomes holy, enjoyable and filled with the spirit. By doing this, we become real men. Yeah, they men, like this is the power of physical intimacy and the power of these core needs addressed rightly. And I see this one just in our conversation, folding right into that first one as well, the need to respect is that it's so easy for a wife to disrespect her husband by, yeah, not, not being available in the physical act intentionally using it as what's the

54:01word I'm looking for here, Devin, but using it as a weaponizing it. Thank you. That's exactly what I was thinking is that when women can indeed weaponize this, they can chastise their husbands. They can make them feel little or amassulate them in this process. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, Kim, I think, brings out or maybe I do in the book, four things that kill intimacy, physical intimacy, how wives kill intimacy in this way with their husbands. And the first one is she constantly rejects them. She says, no, had a tired, don't have the time. Second is she shames them or blames him for asking or wanting it. Third is she just gets through it. She doesn't even try. She just, you know, is put off by it. And then fourth, she makes him beg for it all the time, rather than her being proactive and trying to engage it. And so guys, if you want to talk to your wives about this is to say, look, this is an authentic need of mine. The church talks about this. Pope John Paul, second to see how you talk about this. This does not mean that I have to have intercourse with you all the time or anything.

55:03I just need to know that you're addressing this need that you love me and respect me by doing so. So a couple of tips is, could we schedule it in? Because that takes the pressure off her because she knows when, you know, my wife, it's like, you know, it could be anywhere. And I'm like, hey, you're in. And she's like, oh my gosh, you know, I have time to think about that right now. You know, and so schedule it in, you know, and then she says, this is all her scheduled in. Love him in the moment. Give him your best in that moment. You know, make sure that you're putting forth the effort. Third is be consistent, you know, like, if it's twice a week, make sure you're consistent with that or whatever. And then I'm undressed and unveiled in front of him. These are the four things that she said that women have said that actually make this physical intimacy something beautiful and something harmonizing rather than harmful, right? Because if she's blaming him, accusing him or shaming him for his sexual desire for her, that marriage is going to undergo incredibly duress and eventually probably divorce.

56:06Yeah. I agree. And I think that this is one of the ones. This is the easiest one for men to think of where we had proof that our core needs were being met when we were on our honeymoon, right? Because these sort of things were just happening and you were, she was feeling secure and protecting your love. You were fulfilling her needs. And then this was just a natural. Well, her hormones before she starts to have babies are totally like on task to get pregnant, to have intercourse. And so at that time in her life, her skin is glowing. Her hormones are flowing and she's like, she's into that. And then after about the second kid stress takes over, the body takes hold hormone shift and change and he's like, where did she go? Exactly. Yeah. And so and again, know that this is obviously one of the most deepest wounds within marriages, this section right here. And so I will be praying for all of our listeners, but please don't fall into just despair or fall into this sense of like that could never happen or that's not the reality.

57:10This is it is the reality. It is the church's teachings and just falling into depression and despair because of those wounds. Know that I'll be praying for you if that is something that you are experiencing or actually, you know, kind of have come to mind right now. Thank you. And my wife and I were in this in the thick. It was bad. I mean, it was awful. And I thought our marriage was over precisely because of this issue. And yet God can do miracles. He transforms water into wine. He did it at a wedding. He does it in marriages. And so if the two of you are sincere about this, you can cross the threshold. And if women, if you just address his God-given need in this area, consistently, intentionally, man, that goes miles and he will love you for it. That's right. No, so great. So the fourth and final core need of a man is her partnership in the mission, this mission of life.

58:13And so I think this is just such a beautiful section. And something that is unspoken, right? I think this is one that we might be able to, oh, he needs to be the leader of the family, like these sort of things. But the ease of just ignoring this or being unaware of this, I think is very commonplace. So I'm so glad that you brought it up within the book here and did it in such a way that men can really enter into their role and live this out fully so that our wife can actually be that partner in the mission. So, David, if you want to share more. Yeah, I just think it's so beautiful when we live marriage according to God's plan. And so there, like talk about a binary kind of worldview is when I am the spiritual leader, I am the dictator, I am in charge and you're just going to do what I tell you to do. Or, you know what, babe, you do it. I'm done here. I'm just going to go do my hobbies, my work, you know, you just kind of do it.

59:15Whereas this partner in the mission idea is so beautiful because like, when, and we talk about this in there, when God gave Adam Eve, it says that he made a help me for her. And that word helped me in the Hebrews is a reconegdo. And really when you get that, it's as a right hand is to the left. It's a essential, so absolutely important counterpart as a right hand is to the left. And so women, they don't want to be the mission like you're pursuing her all the time. They want to be a part of the mission and the ultimate mission is my son-of-law pointed out so eloquently during a conversation is the mission is heaven. And when I forget about that, my wife reminds me that all that we're doing financially, economically, the work, all this, it's for the greater mission of getting our kids and our family to heaven and having a marriage that reflects that. And so I think that's extremely beautiful. But, and Eve in the Hebrew her name is Hawa, which, which, or Hava, which means in

1:00:17liveening or giving life to another collectively. And so woman is Eve, she's that life bearer, that encourager, that helped me that A's air connect though, the essential counterpart. And so guys, it's really important that we invite her into our life. You know, it's like I have my work and I have my endeavors and I've learned, it's taking me all this time to actually, and that's so it's beautiful about this book is, you know, I've written over 25 books or whatever 24 books. This is a 25th one. And guess what? Finally, my wife is the co author, right? She's the one who joins me in that project. And that is my favorite book. It's the best book. It's so real and so authentic and so helpful. But it's because it was that joint mission where partners in the mission of doing it, I learned so much about her. It's the same with whether it's landscaping or my work or projects. Now I'm asking her, I'm like, what do you think about this? And I cannot believe how wise she is.

1:01:18You know, I mean, like, I'm like, you know, I kind of thought I've got this, I've got this handle, I don't need to ask anyone for years. And I found that I was tripping over myself, making mistakes and then she would say later, you know, well, perhaps you could have done it this way. I'm like, oh, yeah, I wish I knew that like, you know, before it. Well, I didn't ask her, right? And so I think that there's four ways that, and my wife and I, we talk about this in a book, but there's four ways to be that, as they're connective, that essential counterpart. And the first is to be as encourager, to give him life in what he's doing. Encourage him in the mission. The second is to nurture him. So encourage her, nurture her, and then counselor, not a psychotherapist, but as counselor to give him that wisdom that God has given you, ladies, and then intercessor. And I think by these four ways, man, when you have a wife who does that, you know, you ascend, your work ascends, you're operating a whole new level.

1:02:18And I know you can, you know, validate this point. And I can too, is that when you have a wife that's an encourage or not a cheerleader, but she's truly giving courage and saying, hey, I think we can do this. This is how you could do this or this is how we can do this. You can do this. And when she's nurturing, like, my wife, literally, after I had cancer, I was a dead man. I mean, I was fatigued by 10 o'clock every day. I was dying. I had no desire to continue on living. I was massively depressed and somewhat suicidal because of my not having a thyroid, you know, it's just messed up suicidal thoughts, at least. And she was like, I am going to do whatever it takes to make you live again. And blood tests and finding the right supplements and feeding me the right things. And she went to town. And I can tell you, like, this day, like, what is it now? 26 years later, I'm a whole new man. And it's because she nurtured me. And yes, I don't need another mother, but I need her to be motherly.

1:03:22And it's so important. And then, you know, of course, that counselor, guys, ask your wives what they think. I remember one time I said to my wife, we were talking about some, I said, what do you think? And she just stopped and looked at me like, what did you say? I said, what do you think? She was, you never asked me that. And I was like, oh, oh, that was so painful to hear. And I was like, that's crazy. So now I'm constantly, what do you think of that? And it's amazing the wisdom that comes through. I'm like, oh, bookmark that. Yeah, highlight that. That's it. Can I write that down? That's so good, you know? I agree. So, me personally, I made this comment before I'm going to make it again that these episodes are brought to you by Julie Heinen. Oh, man, that's great. That's a great, but I also will go through these different topics and discern these different things with her. And she brings just an awareness and an insight and a counsel like you just stated beyond

1:04:23anything that I could myself come up with. Like there's no way but just the beauty of God that brings this together. At the same time, I'm happy to not happy. I'm going to say at the same time, I think it's important to admit when I asked my wife for counsel and she says something and then I somehow belittle her thoughts on it, right? That is a, that is absolutely something that I fall into. I'm like, oh, that would never work. That's just not, you know? And in those sort of reactions, right? Men, if you're going to ask your wife for counsel, receive, receive and pray and discern. But don't negatively respond. Don't downplay. Don't make her feel like her thoughts are somehow less valid than yours. These are, this is straight from hell, but also our pride and our own weaknesses. And so when a man is approaching his wife with this need, it creates an interesting complexity. But I think you mentioned in the book this, I think where I grab this from where you

1:05:27mentioned, it's not delegating to your wife like on the mission, right? It's inviting her to be a part of this to do with her. But not looking down her and say, hey, do you think you could handle this? Like, you know, I need you to go do this. Like that's not what it means to have our wife in the mission of life. And so we have to, we have to communicate through action. And our action can be that invitation to doing things together and to, to growing and searching for that counsel with her. Well, I think that's great because I think that one of the great sadness is in laments of marriages that couples forget to dream together. They forget to have vision together. And so when a couple can trust one another enough to dream a little bit, like just what we just celebrate our anniversary. And we, we stopped by this kind of like a, a nursery that's huge, not like a baby nursery, but like shrubs and bushes and all this stuff.

1:06:27And it's so cool. It's like out in the middle of nowhere. And my wife the next day where I have a coffee and she's like, I'm wondering if we should start a nursery. Oh, yeah. I'm wondering if we should try this. And I'm like, whoa, you're, you know, like you're dreaming. You know, you have, you have, you have, you're, your visions come to mind. I'm like, let's, let's pursue that. Let's find out what it takes. Let's, let's just, and instead of saying, gosh, we're so old and we don't have the money for that. And how are we going to, you know, put up all these roadblocks. I'm like, no, you know what? That's your dream. I like that. I think I could come alongside of you and that and my son's got a landscape and come, hey, we could sell and stuff, you know, or like, you know, we could, you know, and I can work for him, you know, and like, you know, and like all these thoughts are coming by my mind. And I'm like, man, I love the fact that you're trusting me enough with your dreams. So let's allow one another to dream a little bit, have vision together and talk about that. And I'm not just trusting the partner in the mission, but ultimately the dream is heaven. The dream is union with God.

1:07:29And so one of the ways our wives can be incredible counselors is that we give them that space to have their own prayer life. Hey, the kids are all over them or whatever is going on and they're feeling overwhelmed. It's like, hey, babe, I want to carve out space for you every day for however long you need. God willing is only like 15 minutes right now for you to, for you to pray and be with the Lord and go for that walk or whatever you need to do. I'm here for you to do that because when she's praying, she has that whisper of the Holy Spirit working through her mind and her words. And that's huge for you. Yeah. Awesome, Devon. That's so good. So we've got those four core needs. I'm going to say them again, but before I do that, know that we're going to talk about one other thing is like, okay, so what if you're asking for these core needs, but they're not being met. I want to make sure that we, we talk about that before we go. But the four core needs, the first one is respect, you know, her believing and trusting in him. The next one is her beauty. The core need of a man is the beauty of his wife. The next core need is her physical intimacy, a core need of a man, the physical intimacy

1:08:32of his wife. And then this final one that we just talked about is a partner in the mission, right, that, that men have that need. And so it's going to happen. You're going to be vulnerable for maybe the first time in decades or ever and praise God for that. And you're going to say, hey, this has been on my heart. I've been meaning to mention this. I didn't have the words for it. I've been praying about it and thinking about it. That presupposes that you have been praying about it and thinking about it. And then you're going to, then you're going to have that meeting with her not at 10, 30 at night when she's exhausted and looking to go to bed. But, you know, during a date night or, you know, a time set aside, and you're going to talk about that. And then it's going to fall in deaf ears, right? This is absolutely something that could happen. And I like in your book that you kind of expect that, you know, like if you have been decades apart from each other, this gap has grown so wide, that doesn't mean that this is not the right thing to be doing. But it does mean that there is a lot that needs to be mended and needs to be grown towards.

1:09:33And forgiveness is at the heart of that. Love is at the heart of this. And so we have to constantly be pursuing it. It doesn't mean give up. That means learn different ways. Constantly try as a man to fulfill her needs. If you as a husband are working to fulfill her needs, even if your needs are not being met, and you continue to do that, God's grace will grow in abundance within your marriage. Devin, what do you want to say on this? Yeah. So fundamentally, if you're spouse, male or female, you know, wives, husbands, if you are putting in a lot of effort here or feels like that, but your needs are not being addressed because they can never be met. They can never be fulfilled or satiated because only God can do that. We're not made for earth. We're not made for creatures. We're made for the creator. We're made for the bridegroom. We're made for eternal communion with the God who's boundless love. So but let's just say it's not being rest, there's no reciprocity.

1:10:39What's happened then, in my opinion, is there's a fundamental problem, unless your spouse has psychological problems seriously or something like that, but trust has been lost. So by you trying it for a couple of days or a couple of weeks and you're like, oh, it's just not working, this then it's not for you. Marriage isn't even for you because you're just looking for the quick fix and the quick answer as the world is and that's not how this works. Your job is to build trust and how do you build trust? You build trust by listening to your spouses needs and then addressing them. So knowing your spouses needs and addressing them, that's how you will win trust and it's your spouse, women especially are going to be like, I'm just going to see if he's really true. I'm going to wait this out. I'm not going to get my hopes up because I've been damaged over the last 20 years or 15 years and he hasn't come to her. He hasn't come to. I'm not going to just go, oh, yeah, you did that for me.

1:11:39No, you know what? I'm going to wait this out and see if he's really being true. And if you are being true in addressing your spouses needs, you begin to win your spouse is trust and you win your spouse is trust by consistency. And if you have that consistent commitment to giving and addressing their needs eventually, the other person, if they have a good heart, they're realizing that they are being loved and just even though you can't fulfill their complete desire for love, they see that you are addressing that and they feel so loved that they want to reciprocate that act of love. That's true. We both experienced it and we know just dozens, if not hundreds of stories of the same thing and the same reality. And so a final thought that you bring up in the book is that, and I'm going to loop this in to actually putting on the new man here. So it's hard in the episode where we actually challenge you. And one of the challenges that I have for the men listening is to go through these four

1:12:41cornies and figure out the one that you feel like is really lacking or has the most tension and the most difficulties within your marriage. And I want you to actually write that down. And then I actually want you to practice talking to your wife out loud about this so it could be done in the car right on your way home. Use a voice recorder or something along those lines, but actually practice this. Learning how to control your emotions, be, communicate effectively and lovingly and actually work towards that. But one of the things that you bring out in your marriage, sorry, in the marriage gap the book here, that I don't have the page number here, but you talk about the tension, whichever tension, you know, indicates that this area of your marriage is precisely where the evil one has lodged his attack and also precisely where you will experience the most fruitfulness through which you can glorify God. Yes. And so that was such a good quote that I wanted to bring that out here because when you find that cornie that has the deepest tension, right, chances are that Satan has lodged

1:13:41his attack there. And that means that's where his God's glory will be experienced at its greatest degree. It's the same thing with men. We've talked about this with virtue. When you look at the number one principle, vice that you have, right? That's where not only Satan has lodged his attack, but it's also where you can glorify God the most by living in and entering into the corresponding virtue to the greatest degree. So anyways, that's my challenge this week. That's the putting on the new man. Go through those four cornies, write the one that has the most amount of tension, write it down, literally have the act of writing it down. And then I actually want you to practice it, you know, in a mirror, you know, add not when your wife can hear in the other room that's cheating. You need to actually practice this. So the devil and any final thoughts and I'm so grateful for all this. Yeah, just just in those words, make sure that you're not adding any accusatory or demeaning or blaming words. Remember, it's about you expressing your need, not what she's not doing or, you know,

1:14:45as a double negative, but you don't tell her what she's not doing or not fulfilling. But one thing I recommend, it's new. The book has just come out, but we're already getting so many emails and comments that couples are reading this book together and it's allowing them to be able to express their needs from the foundation of the book and the surveys and the interviews and the people who are come, you know, people that we've surveyed and interviewed in the book. And it just takes all the kind of like you need to out of it. It's just about an expressionably so I would recommend is as a couple, get the book, work through it together. Some couples are actually doing it page by page a day. Yeah, wow. It's incredible. But the improvement in their marriage is already they're saying is unbelievable. So I'm just so thankful to God for this gift. I'm just so thankful for the book and the way he allowed Kim and I to write as interview style of one another. Just get the books and talk about with your wife, your husband, it's good.

1:15:48Well, you're going to have to, it's going to be painful too. That's we hear that too, you know? It's truth, right? But I think that's where purification can really happen, right? We go through the crucible, we go through the forge so as to become a better man and a better wife, a better woman for our husband or our spouse. And so, yeah, Devon, I love it. I'm so grateful for your time here. And for this conversation, look forward to the next one that we can have. All right, meet you. And as we end each of our episodes, be a man. Be a saint. Push your limits, train with precision, see the results. At Equinox, that's high performance loving.

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