You Settled Your Divorce. Now What?

0:00If you're hearing this, congratulations. You made it through. You settled your divorce. You might not have gotten everything you wanted in your divorce. It might have been a little bit more time consuming more expensive than you wanted. But if you settled, you got some of what you wanted and hopefully some of the most important things you wanted. So congratulations. And also thank you for doing this hard work. For following along on this podcast, for reading my book, for doing this hard work. And hopefully that made it just a little easier. And I'm speaking to you today as if you have finished your divorce. So if you're just listening to this episode and you haven't, you could obviously continue. Maybe this will pull you towards a settlement. But come back to this after you settled because you might hear it differently. Because really what divorce is is a transition.

1:02And I want to talk to you about one of my transitions, which I think is relatable. When you graduate law school, you don't just become a lawyer. But you have to do is you have to pass the bar exam and then get admitted to your jurisdiction to practice law. And that bar exam is a multi-tag exam. It is really stressful, especially back then you never really experienced anything, anything like that. And so much is riding on it. And you basically have to commit like a full-time job to just practicing, to just studying. So you don't really have the opportunity to have a job or really have a life. You have to live sort of like a monk, at least I did. And that's for a few months. And the test is at the end of July, the beginning of August. And at that point, I was living at home and I want to give a shout out to my family, to my

2:05set mom and my dad, who supported me during this time. And finally, you take that test. And then there was such a depletion after taking it. And you don't find out that you passed until November, months later. And unfortunately, you're not really that marketable to people unless you already had a job because you're not really a lawyer and maybe you don't want to necessarily just do paralegal work. So you might have to do some other type of job. But thankfully, I had a friend who already lined up a job, but he didn't really want to be a lawyer at that point. And he, I was giving notice that he was resigning. And he told me to send in my resume. And at that day, he was resigning. And he thought I could at least get an interview, which is exactly what happened. But I knew when I got the interview, I was going to get the job. And that's what happened. I got the job and I want to

3:06give a shout out to my former partners. I actually was an associate associate there. I became a partner in a name partner. And I was there for a long time. Mike Wilson, Jack Carroll. They really started my career. And when I started my own firm in 2013. But just because I got a job, I still didn't have the resources to get my own apartment because I had to come up with broker's fee in first months security. And I didn't have all this extra money in the past. So it took a few months. But then finally, you know, I was overstaying my welcome in my family. And I got my apartment. And when I was thinking of before I got my apartment that I was going to have this amazing night, I was going to have a big celebration. But really what happened, I remember this to this day, it was a Friday night and I played with the bed like 7 pm because I was just exhausted.

4:06And if you're in that situation, like me, you're exhausted, that just might be where you are. And you know, transitions are not necessarily what you expect. So I want to talk about three different types or states of transition. The first transitions like me, where you're depleted, where you were running on adrenaline for so long, and then you actually solve the issue. But afterwards, it didn't feel so celebratory. Okay. Because you're just tired and you need to reset. The second type or stage is what I'm going to call a delayed griever. You know, unfortunately, it could take up to two years to grieve. And if you had to do with a divorce and all that real world problems, you might didn't have time to grieve. This especially happens when you didn't want the divorce. So once everything solved, it might have all these emotions come up.

5:08And that might be a process. So give yourself grace that you're going through this. And the third state is I think the ones who are ready, maybe the ones who are driving the bus on the divorce, and these are the people that are celebrating. Maybe they are doing a divorce party. Maybe they're even doing a divorce destination party. And just really just so happy to close this chapter. And if you're into any of these states, I don't want you to compare to the other states you are where you are for a reason. And you'll get there. You will feel celebratory in the future. There will be different feelings in the future. So if you're not there, just on like I was on that first time when I got out, my family's home, you can be there in the future. All right, so let's put our lawyer hat on just to give you some words of wisdom that I share and what I've heard other attorneys share after you come back from such an experience. And it's like sort of like coming back

6:09from more. And the first one is is just this idea of thinking about not making big decisions. I think you maybe have put other people's needs first. And when you finally focus on yourself, you are now just focusing on like the, you know, the Maslow hierarchy of needs at the bottom of the pyramid. This basic needs. So you might be in that safety type of first issue. And it's hard to think about other other things that you might want for a while. So, so give yourself time for that. Another thing is is where someone says, I'm never going to get married again. And that may be true. But I wouldn't think that way. I think you just need time again to heal, to reset. And you definitely want to find love again. My Nana, who lived till she was 94, her husband, my grandfather, who I never really met died when she was in her 50s. And she never, she never met

7:10anyone until much later in life. Only until our 90s, she started dating someone informally. But she said that was one of her great regrets. And I think that could be one of your great regrets to get another life partner. And so think about that. On the end of the spectrum, don't get married too soon. You know, we saw Jeff Bezos' wife. She got married to someone who seemed to be completely opposite from her first husband. And they married right away. And they got divorced right away. So no big decisions. And the third one is the windfall rule. You know, you might be coming into a lot of money, at least in relation to what you normally are used to. And as part of a settlement. And it might be helpful to not really use the money if you can for at least six months to a year. And maybe even speaking to someone, these were why financial advisors are good. And not necessarily to someone who's fee-based. But someone who can speak to you hourly to give you a different perspective. Because there's

8:11going to be a lot of strong emotions about that money. And you just don't want to waste it on frivolous things, especially if you needed in decades in the future. So my core message to you is you're in a transition and take time to do that transition well and honor that transition. And I wouldn't skip it. So here are some questions I can ask in this action step to determine where you are in your transition. First, have you grieved? Second, have you celebrated? Third, have you given yourself permission to rest? And fourth, what big decisions shouldn't you be making yet? I just really want to honor all of that hard work you have done to get to this point. You know, this is a real marathon and you finished it. You're not a professional marathoner. This really took a lot out of you. And you got in stronger, but you don't want to do this again.

9:16And I really honor the commitment you did, especially if you settled in your case. So you can move on to your life and now give yourself the grace you need, the time you need. And it might take more than a year. There's no rush to get back to yourself. Okay? All right. So the next episode, we're going to talk about this idea of more depth, this idea of exhaustion and adrenaline when you get when you get your to get your life back and that you might not feel totally yourself yet, which is totally fine and totally normal. I'm Corey Shapiro. This is getting divorced without losing your mind. That's step forward with clarity together. This podcast offers general information only. It cannot replace legal advice. If you need tailored advice, contact an attorney license to practice in your area.