#263 Penis Slang and Phallic Toys

0:00Do you know what I was listening to which was putting me in the mood for summer? A play so we will get really pumped up. Mmmmm. Does this feel like summer? It feels like summer. Don't preempt it though. What do you mean? Because it's meant to go back to 15 degrees. But I'm going to enjoy today. I'm going to enjoy every fucking second of this hot. It's too hot out there. Hey. And it's cold. It's too cold. I can never get in. What's your ideal temperature? What would make you perfect? 23. Okay. Okay. It's probably more than that. Okay. Let's have a look. It is currently, currently, oh my gosh. Yeah, but it feels like. Where's the feels like? Where's feels like? It was hot out there. I was hot. It feels like 23. Okay. Yeah, that's not right. You're right now. I'm not. You're in heaven. I'm not. Enjoy it. Well, it feels more like hell.

1:00Enjoy it. Welcome back to Two Dating Dads. I am Matty J. And I'm Ash. And this is a podcast all about parenting. It is the good. It is the best. And the relatable. And we don't give advice. I've stumbled across a new saying. Hit me. So far, something is just a little bit too difficult. It's like, oh, it's penis. I love it. It's too hard. I love it. Not sure if you heard the groan in the corner. But we can't be saying that as groan men, can we? Yeah. Are the kids saying that? Are you going to say that? Oh, that's way too penis. Oh, that is penis. That's penis. That's way too penis. That's penis. That's penis. It's not really doing us any favors. It's so penis. The people thinking that we're gay and all of a sudden we're like, oh, that's

2:00that is so cock. That's so throbbing. That's so cock and balls. It's like keeping or throbbing men for. It's happened the game. I can't know. I woke up. Just this morning, it was penis to get out of bed. Amen. I'll tell you right now. It was hard. And not just for penis. Who's actually using it, though? I mean, who are you? Who is OK? I made it up. I'm running with it. It's mine. No, I don't know. Do you know what? Can I just, for a second, lay claim to a saying that I came up with when I was 19 and for a period in Brisbane, people were saying it. You, OK. Are you saying you'd pie in the air saying? I think I may have said this on the pot already, but I used to say something was really good. That was cheddar. Cheddar cheese. Cheddar cheese. Yeah. I know good is cheddar cheese. Cheese. That's paper. That's paper. What do you mean? Just nice clean, crisp, or white, A4. I love that. Thank you.

3:00You deserve that. Do you have the kids who are listening? You're welcome. Before we do go on, we want to do a little shout out to a video editor, Ness. Little Nessie. She's been a bit crook lately. Ness, we miss you. We hope you're doing well. Hope you're recovering. I'm sure she's not listening to the podcast. She's like, the last thing I need is those two. She's already got to edit this. Like, imagine she's like, oh, I just need to relax. I'm just going to put it in my ear. No, we're giving her a look. Oh, my God. I didn't even know the week off. I didn't okay that. No, I did. She is unwell. So get better soon. We want you back fighting. No, you may notice. We are wearing... Now you might have noticed. Vicks, Vicks show. That's all. She's just like, give us the notes. To be honest, we need it. I know. We're like fucking stray, brumbies in the field. Do you want to use podcasts as penis? She's... Oh, then? Well, look who came crawling back. Yeah. I want an apology right now. That was funny. And I'm sorry I have a doubt about you. I'm sorry I have a doubt about you. And I bet you should get home and you're dead.

4:02You're dead. I'm going to be saying that no one's ever heard of before. It's mine. And you keep... Louie's going to love that. You're going to be like, yeah, penis. Dan's like mine's mine. You're going to be like, yeah, penis. Dan's like mine's mine. You may have noticed. Well, the single person watching on YouTube may have noticed. And then... I'm also on social media. We are wearing something very special on our heads. Mmm. Penises. Penises. Penises. They're hats. I knew one of them. They're not four skins. They're hats. We need to get penis off the mind. Everyone just give us one last penis joke. Okay. They're never going to end. You're going to be doing that. That's what the penis said. Okay. All right. So we got brand new hats. We have three. There is the school run racing club hat, which... And sporting right now. And sporting. And then... I have the doating hat. And then Vic will have the pep on you. She will, yep. I did see you. And let's just call it out. Let's get ahead of the news story. Yeah.

5:03I saw that the Xanerov hat made a comeback on their socials. The exact what we've created. Nearly what we've created. Don't plant the seed. No, but as is no dates, they're similar. But we noticed... We designed a hat. And it just somehow happens to be similar to the... Another hat that's been designed. That's two... Remember, there must be nice hat. And it's fucking... Everything's been done. Everything's just a copy. Yeah, but that's... It's not the... The League of Legends? That is a joke. Also, we made this hat. And then we saw that hat. And it's similar, but it's different. It is different. But I noticed that it's making resurgence. I saw one video yesterday and I was like... Oh, tch. Delete. We will put it my point on our socials and we will put some photos out there. We are available on our website as well. TwoDotingDadds.com. How much are we gonna sell on four? $2,000. $3,000. We're gonna sell $35? $35. Yeah, come on. $35. Or $2,000 for $70. I will just say... And this is not me trying to give you like the marketing spiel.

6:04There are not many hats. Okay? So if you are thinking about buying a hat, let me just recommend that you jump online. You buy it now. Or you will be disappointed. That's your go-to-hissels movie. It's true. It's true. There are two massive boxes out there. Shut the fuck up. I mean, there are tiny boxes. We are sitting right... We're recording from... Shipping container of hats. Yeah. They're with the calendars from last year. All the year before. Yes, we... But there are thousands of dotas. There are not thousands of hats. That's what he's saying. Thank you. Thank you, Vic. Well said. Very good. So don't miss out. There's only a couple. If you are disappointed, I don't wanna fucking hear it. Just... I'm just letting you know. Yeah, yeah. You get it up to fail. No, I'm just saying. You get what you get and you don't get upset. But if people... If we say you got to buy a hat, although they'll sell out. And then in a week's time, people are like, I missed out on a red hat. I'm like, I don't... Too bad. I don't fucking care. I warned you. I warned you and you ignored me. So that's your...

7:04Yes, sister. I thought you meant if you're disappointed in the hat. Even so. Even so. I bet. Whenever he said, I'm going with it. Actually, I need to just... Put it out there. I'm killing with it right now at home. I don't know if you will be able to sympathize with me, Vic. I don't know if you will be either... My fridge and freezer has broken. Again. Thank you. Yes. Do you need to have the ice chest like not that long ago? It's re-broken. But can I just fucking say right now? And I don't wanna get angry on this podcast. But I will. The reason that it breaks is that the freezer draw, the bottom of the fridge, freezer section. The freezer doesn't seal that well. Even though it's like a fucking 12 months old. It doesn't seal. And people get stuff out. They don't close it properly. It's slightly ajar. Then the frost builds up. It's in the intake. When you do close it, it freezes over. It stops working. The fridge can't hack it. And so every fucking night, I go to bed. I check it. And it's slightly ajar.

8:04And I go to Laura. I go to Nana. And I'm like, you all need to pay close attention to the freezer right now. This is not a joke. Busters like my plan is working. Yeah. This is not a dad cry. I know. I'm waiting to throw out there. You sure it's not user error. So I went and say, did you put the drawer in back the front? And I was like, look at the fridge for the rent. So yesterday, I look at the freezer in the morning, and it's ajar. And I was like, I open it. It's like fucking in touch. You're in there. Frost is everywhere. Frost is in the intake. It's a disaster. It's a debacle. And so then I'm like, I know it's going to break. It's going to break. I know I close it. I know it's going to break. And I know that Laura got a red container out. She was the last person. The red container was ajar. So it didn't close with the red container. And I'm like, I've got it now. Enter the whole fucking fridge and freezer. Get Eskies, get ice. Let it defrost. Fucking then. Clean up all the water. That's just. It's a lot of admin. That's a fuck.

9:04Thank you. Better Matthew on the case. There are people out there that don't have freezes. I needed that. Thank you. So you just put you in your life in perspective. You're right. But it is very. I wish I didn't have a fucking fridge and freezer. Because it just been nothing but. Honestly, you live off the land. You should live off the land from now on. I don't kind of feel like we're camping. Because when he gets new. You know, you need milk. Go out to the S. You need milk. Just go to the golf club. It's cross road. But people who have drawers for their freezer section. Yeah, go. Just know that I understand what you're going through. Mine seemed to be working fine. You got drawers? Yeah. I've got a double drawer. It's an open double drawer. You're a drawer freezer man. Actually. And you've given me no fucking sympathy. Can I just say, when your freezer breaks and it will. Because I know how to use mine. I am fucking giving you nothing. Okay. When you come crying to me, don't expect this shoulder to be resting your cheek. But the big difference might be here. Is yours a door than a drawer? It's a drawer.

10:04It's a drawer, a double drawer. Yeah. Okay. So there's no door though. The door is the drawer. The door is a drawer. The drawer is the door. The door is the door. The door is the door. What's it's talking to me? I've got a door then drawer. So I can't sympathise with you completely. Consider yourself lucky. Well, I would say that you probably need to be a bit more diligent with closing it. You want a fucking call Laura? And Nana? I am the door police. Yeah. Yeah, but that's what I meant. I meant the house in general. Like you're doing your part by trying to stay on top of it. Thank you. So obviously you're outnumbered. Is only so much what I can do. What are you going to do? Park up next to the fridge and every time someone uses the... I sleep next to the fridge. You should lock it. I need to get a lock. Vic, what do you have? What's your fridge of drawer? I've got the same. I thought everyone had the drawer. But yeah, we've got drawers and then the door. So you've got drawer then door. No, we'll show you. Door then drawer. Okay, let's get it. Door then drawer. Door. Double drawer.

11:04Door then drawer. Correct. No drawer then door. You door draw people. Yep. We're better than you. You have no sympathy. Yeah, why should we? For those of us who are struggling out there. You had a choice. I feel like that's a really... It's a terrible model. Thank you. A idea. Wasting house. Sorry. If they ever want to sponsor the part, fuck you. You sold me 11 fridge for that. Because for us, the door... That means fridge for you, son. The door can't shut if you have a drawer that's slightly ajar. So it actually stops that whole lot ever happening. And... Does it not beep? It doesn't beep. It does not beep. You're like we're spending a lot of time on the door draw for each other. Let's move on. Okay. I would say get it just getting you for each. End of. I don't know if you want to try this. Actually, you don't need to try this because you and April... You're like rabbits. Easy on. You're like rabbits. Every time I call you, I'm like, what are you doing? You're like, just like... Is this next competition going to be about fucking? Well, Laura and I... I think they're doing an experiment on life on cut. We're doing a 30-day intimacy challenge where the rule is... Every day you need to kiss for six seconds.

12:05Oh, that sounds horrible. I know this morning she was like, kiss me and I hadn't brushed my teeth. So I was like, you don't want this. And she was like, it's the challenge. And I was like, believe me. This thing's been fermenting all night. You don't want to get into this. So then I was giving her a peck and she was like, fuck, open your mouth. Open the kids were like, what are you doing? She was like, love me. And I was like, I'm trying. Oh, so for 30 days of that. And it's like other options. No. So they're like... What's in the menu? Six second kiss. Six second kiss. No. Six seconds. How many days in a year? This is day one and we've bowed this morning. And you're over it. So we've got to try and... You've got to know. Why force it? Just give it a nice little kiss goodbye in that. Because I think it's like the gym. Sometimes you just got to force it. Do you? No, you get an injury. Huh? You'll get an injury if you force it. I just feel like... You come up with lipid. I just feel like sometimes it's easy not to give time to those little moments of intimacy.

13:06And sometimes even though you're rushing out the door, you have to like take a moment and you have to like give it the time that it deserves. I completely agree with the thought around it. 100%. But I think putting pressure on being a six second kiss, why is the barrier to enter so high? Like why can't it be a nice... Have a nice day off to work, a nice affectionate kiss. I'm looking in the face, we'll do it after. And then when I get home same thing, but like you're putting time on it, the barrier to entry seems like that's a tie. Do you kiss a goodbye? Yeah. How? Show me. With my mouth, bro. Show me. Like, no. I'm like, kiss your hand. No. Show me. I'll kiss my knee. Show me. No, like, like this. Like, bye, babe. Yeah, yeah. It's a good... It's a good... It's a good... Yeah. Don't do that. Okay. Yeah. Six seconds. Yeah, okay. Do a six second kiss. Seriously, that's a lot. Have a... Wait, seconds, no.

14:06We're talking about six seconds. No, I mean like a... If I was like... If I was saying like you guys did a hang upside down, interlock, then kiss for 10 seconds, while upside down, hanging from the balcony, that's high barrier. Okay, but I'm just... Six seconds and you're like, when would we have time for that? Exactly. How is that made? I was like, the exact words were... Ooh. Yeah, ooh, ooh, indeed. I think putting that much pressure on it, who's counting? What are you like? Are you ready? Ready? I'm counting in my head. I can't wait. Go. One, two, three, four, five, six. I got into it. Three, four, five, six. That's a fucking long time for a kiss. Unless it's gonna lead to more, I think... I think if it's like, hey, I like the idea of give you... Make sure you give you a significant other a kiss before you leave the house. You know that. A kiss could buy and a kiss, hold on. I'll prefer that over six seconds. It's not my challenge. So you just don't need to shout at me. That was it, Laura. Thank you. Laura, if you're listening? You're putting too much pressure on my man here. Thank you. You are benefiting from this challenge, though.

15:07Yeah, you're not. You're really not. You're not benefiting, you're not. I'll give you a challenge. I'll give you a challenge you can benefit from. God. So, do you guys not like kissing? Is that what it comes down to? No, not for six seconds. No, it's just morning time is like, that's business hours. Yeah, good. You're gonna get out of the house. We're gonna get... Kids need to be dressed, brush their teeth. I'm not in... Quick, six seconds, stop the kiss. No, no, no, no, no, no. By then, the kids are like, undressing themselves. It just puts us back. Yeah, the kids are like, oh, I see what's happening here. Is that what it goes to? They're like, quick, get away. We've got six seconds. We've got six seconds. They're distracted. Yeah, yeah. You can do it at night, son. We've got to start climbing the stairs by then. Who knows where she is. We've got to then try and find Poppy. Quick guys, we've got six seconds. Causes as much damage as we can. Man, off the back of... Our episode we did with April. We've got a lot of...

16:07A lot of hand, it's overwhelming. A lot of messages. Oh yeah. I can't go through all of them. However. Once again, I do need to say, thank you again to you and April. I think, man, it's full on to talk about that party of life. And B's open is what you guys were. Yes, thank you. Yeah, thank you. And last week was pretty overwhelming, for honest. But that's okay. I wanted to pick out one message here from another mat. Different mat. Yeah, okay. I see what's happening here. You let's say, it's six seconds before we leave. This one is from Matt Oranon. So many are non-saturday. It's a cop popular name. He's at 20. 2026 is the popular name. The year of the night. The year of Anon. Hey, Ash and Matt. Last night, this clip came across my feed. I haven't listened to the pod before. Sorry. Okay. That's enough of this one. You were skating on the thin ice mat. That is not an answer. Oh, sorry. Listen here.

17:08Anon. You were skating on the thin ice. That is not a great way to open the message. 18 months ago, I reconciled that I have a significant drinking problem and sought help and took steps that were very difficult. But had made good inroads for some time. Unfortunately, the last few months, I've noted myself regressing, preach, brother. At the gym this morning, I searched your episode list and listened to the pod you did when Ash was 100 days sober. I then listened to this pod at the park with my three-year-old after dropping off my five-year-old school. I left the park sobbing, recognizing so much of the shame that Ash described in myself, but also full of hope that I too can start to find my way out and get back on a better path. I cried again when I described all this to my wife later today, and she listened to the pod this afternoon. Yesterday, I was doing this alone. Today, I have the support of my wife, and I have scheduled an appointment with a therapist next week. Thank you, Matt, for asking such meaningful and caring questions

18:09and Ash in April for sharing your story and congratulations, Ash, for how far you've come, it's really inspiring. Wow, we've got heaps of those sort of messages. I read that one out because it, of course, someone sort of recognized some of the things I was going through. And look, you're going to regress, for sure. I mean, there's times along this, what am I, 282 days? Wow. Today, over that time, I would say for 282 days, I have thought about alcohol. That's going to happen, okay? The regressing part is tough, and it's going to be tough going into warm amounts again, because when you can sort of bugger down a little bit, I did this year, which was different as well, which was a little bit sad, in some instances, just because I felt like I was nowhere nearer social, but it's just sort of at a justment I needed to make. Yeah, it's just ingrained in us when it's like over 22 degrees. Everyone's like, ding, ding, ding, my time. Turn it upside down a bit. Yeah. Just on the back of that, I just wanted to go through a couple of different things.

19:09I just wanted to go through a couple of different tips and tricks. Yes, that I have. Look, this has just worked for me. Because everyone is like, what's the secret? Ash, tell us how you did it. Everybody wants to pull from you what advice you have of someone who's... To get to 280 days is incredible. I have suggestions, not advice. That's one of your things. Look, when I was looking around, it's like, okay, well, I want tips to help, but it's so saturated with so many over complicated things. And then also there's that mentality with people and stuff out there. Just be like, we'll just drink in moderation. Oh. That's the fucking cure. That's not. So if someone says you just to save one or two, just answer them with sarcasm. So here's a couple of really simple things that I think that people can use. One, the 4pm distraction. So 4pm was my trigger time. It was like, everyone's home from school. I've finished pretty much what I'm doing for the day. And it's that time of day where you're like,

20:09it's sort of like a bridging time of day right. Because you're not, you're sort of trying to distract yourself with getting the kids unpacked from school and getting ready for what you're going to do for dinner and stuff like that. Really easy to fall into that between 4 and 5. If you can find a distraction between 4 and 5 from 5 onwards, so much easier. What's your distraction? My distraction is, at the moment, walks or I'm like, I'll chuck my headphones on and just get as much house workers done in that hour. And it's like, it's hard because I'm severely ADHD. It's hard to finish things. But it gets done and it distracts all of a sudden. I'm finishing the kids dinner at at Stinley 536 o'clock. And I'm like, well, even if I was to sit down and have a drink now, I'm over that. I really want it. I'm sort of now, it's like, okay, well, have I earned it? You know, so your choices become different after that. And it could kind of got the upper hand or a... I kind of already got a little win because 90% of the time, you'll lose that battle.

21:09And that's where I find a lot of people who message and talk to me say, I lose that battle and that time because that's, like, for example, your willpower, right? Your willpower, it's like a battery. All day, you spend all day using the battery from your willpower to get to that point at 4 o'clock where you're like, I have resisted so much. Your options are be distracted or do the habit. So really simple, find what time. If you're like sitting there at 3 o'clock, you're a tradey, whatever, you finish work and you're on your way home. And that is your time that triggers you. Take a D2 and go for a swim. Take a D2, like, just something I found that was huge for me. Because everyone was always like, do something grand every afternoon. It's like, just find something to distract you. Even if that is, like, I think for it, it's changed for me. I was even doing Wim Hof at like 4 o'clock for 30 minutes. Because after that 30 minutes, my brain was completely taken away from that and I was thinking about something else. I love that. Yeah, so that's one.

22:09What's Wim Hof? It's just a breathing technique. It's like, because I can't meditate. Like some people are really great at meditating. I can't do it. I can't. Honestly, no one wants that. No one wants me alone with my thoughts. People who said they meditate, I'm like, you're a fucking liar. Honestly? Stop lying to us. I, the times I tried to meditate, I just wake up and I would just come to in a worse mood because I've just overthoned every single conversation I've ever thought about for last. Can the meditators just admit that they've been lying to us all for since the beginning? I feel some people can really switch up, but it takes a certain person. Yeah. Anyway, not me. So Wim Hof is a good one. It might sound we weren't shitty, but do it, try it. Especially if you pass out, it's great. Is that the square box breathing? No, that's box breathing. Wim Hof is like 30 in an hour and then you're holding on the exhale for X amount of time. It's really good, you should try. The other one. This is a fucking must have in your house and it's cheap, so to stream. Honestly, spicy water, saviour. Yeah. First of all, you've got something in your hand, especially that four o'clock, five o'clock,

23:10got something in your hand, but if you can make it as fucking spicy as possible, you'll get the back of the throat sensation. You would get from that alcohol. The only you really notice. When you say spicy, do you mean bubbly? Yeah, you want it real bubbly. Real bubbly, yeah. Sometimes I just put lemon juice straight in it, real like, whoa! It's good. You've been chilling in that, no. You could. Okay, you could. Ginger. Bit of, bit of, bit of, bit of, bit of, yeah. It's a killer, some salt on the rib. I'm not. You're drinking margaritas. Am I? I said I quit beers. Yeah. Well, I was curious about that. So, like, what about zero beer? Would that be too tempting? Or... Everyone's different, okay. Everyone's different. I had had zero beers before when I have quit, but it felt like I was just getting rid of the fun part of it. If that makes sense. It's like, I'm pretty much... You're like masturbating and not coming. Yeah! Exactly right. Sorry.

24:10I went there, sorry. No, I couldn't have said any better. I was like, I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that. No, I couldn't have said any better myself. That's good. It's been a while. It's just like... Okay, third one. It is endorphins. Like, whatever at any point during the day gets some endorphins. The earlier the better. And like... For you, what did that entail? For me, look, and my bonus point here will sort of make more sense in this. I didn't want to go and quit alcohol and just be like, oh, I was going to become a athlete. Because you know how you try and distract yourself with that. Which I think it's a good distraction. You could do the 4p and thing and go, you know what, I'm going to have a little round. I'm going to go for a sweat. Get it for a walk or whatever. But so many things are like... So many of your problems can be fixed with just a walk and it's like... Yeah, okay. It is actually fucking true. Like, when I walked to a waterfall the other day, I was like, the fuck? I love life. I love life, I'm here. But like... It's actually... Something simple and I just put in...

25:10You don't have to do it. You don't have to draw it. I've got chuck in your favourite album at the time. Two more words. Chuck in your podcast. Chuck in two, don't do it. Nothing YouTube though. And then my bonus one was, don't try and fix all your problems at once. Again, so many times I've tried to quit or give up alcohol for a certain amount of time. And you do, and everyone does the same thing. I'm going to quit but I'm going to go to the gym every morning at 5am. I'm going to eat healthy. Try and fix every problem. I'm going to learn Portuguese. Yeah, well that did that. But the first two weeks, I didn't exercise at all. I was like, you know what? I'm going to eat. I'm going to eat. I'm going to eat. And then I started to do it slow. I said it because I know every other time I had done it and you sort of scare yourself into the easier option. Because you're like, oh, I go to the gym like four more times this week. Yeah. You don't. You're just telling yourself you have to do that because you've given up something else. But if you just concentrate on giving up one thing and not trying to fix every problem you have, because you've probably got shit loads of problems, just concentrate on the one problem.

26:11I love it. Anyway, thank you for sharing your wisdom. I didn't want to be too woo-woo. That was not woo-woo. In fact, I wanted more woo-woo. Oh, sorry. Next time. That was great. Very good. Thank you, Ash. Thank you for coming. Thank you for being here. Thank you for sharing your knowledge. All right. I'm off. Ash, really quickly, you know we have been talking about getting behind more paid parental leave for both moms and dads. We're driving people to the petition. We're going to put that link in the show notes so we can get behind it. We're at 1,600 Vic. What's our goal? Is it 3,000? 2,500. 2,500. Well, 900 away. Yeah. That's fast math. Thank you. My maths is so bad. It's not good to be accurate, but it's fine. But I just want to share one quick story that we got from a listener, a dota, a name is Ellen, and she said, this is seriously life-changing. I'm a dual citizen of Australia and Denmark. In Denmark, the 12 months of parental leave has existed. Forget this. 40 years. Fuck, they were ahead of the game. We're just behind. No, it's crazy.

27:11We only just got into that down here. They're on to something. They have like living in, you get living nannies and everything in some Scandinavian countries. Free university. Free university. They're just doing everything better. Fuck. Highest rates of happiness and success, intelligence in the world. Why are we just like, but do they have a big rock in the middle of their country? No, you're right. They are viking, though. Anyway, she continues to say here, and at 12 months, it's with full pay from your employer, and then three months being mandatory for the father. So both parents have bonding time. I had my daughter in Australia in 2021, an experience of financial stress associated with fighting to stay home with her for 12 months was so traumatic that she moved back to Denmark to have a next child. That's wild. It's crazy how far behind we are. Right. Then also it was where further had the places like America.

28:12Like, they're like, what, you want to have a day off because you're about to give birth? Do it on your desk. So she says, thank you for doing such amazing work. Reminder to go sign the petition and get behind this cause because for the parents of the next generation, they've got to benefit so much from this. Yeah, and we'll leave the link in the notes of this show. Jump on. Fight the good fight. That's a good fight. Because parenting is penis. Parenting fucking it. Parenting is penis. It is a big old penis. Don't say that too loud at the park with the kids. No. Breaking news, Vic, what do you got for us? Well, is this a case of not everyone should become parents? A birth dad has been charged after footage of his toddler driving a U around their neighborhood was found on social media. The video shows a three year old sitting unrestrained with his hands on the wheel as the high luck swirves from side to side while a man laughs in the background. Fucking out. The 30 year old dad who uploaded the video has since been arrested and charged with reckless driving to appear in court next month.

29:13I am sure his wife is effing furious. Could you imagine? I'm not doing anything anymore. Was he sitting on his lap? Yes. You got to see this footage. What I used to do there. On the main road? I used to do it down at Gondola Road in Narrowby when I was a kid. Is that like a little back straight though? It's not like that you were... Top hit order right. Who was driving? Dad. What the fuck was he thinking? And it was a company car. He would put... That is reckless. I was on his lap. I don't know if I was even drunk. I was definitely on his lap. I remember that. What was that? That's the nine. I mean, we do it with the tractor at the farm. Like, but that's kind of a novel. That day you judged this man, Vic. You're going very slow. But have a look at the vision. Because it's pretty... Show us the vision. TV fair. The kid was doing a pretty good job. For three. Well, the dad was like, oh my god, this is all you. Yeah. That dairy getting trouble for. No. You should see how much it was. It looks like. It looks like... He always drives in front. Yeah. It looks like...

30:13I don't know almost. I don't know if this vision's been sped up. But he's fucking hit with some dice. Oh. But dad's obviously on the accelerator, though. And the brakes. He's still... Look at my hands, he's all bad. Look where you going. And crash. He's never using any knees. He's never using any knees. Steering through Perth's suburban streets, while unrestrained on a man's lap. Oh, shit. Go straight. That's good gear. I don't have room with it. You can speed the car drifts all over the road. Straight. Left, left, left. It's a lot of drifting. Look dangerous. Dangerous. Bads. Fuck it, bads. I know, bads is good. That's all you, bads. I think if you're... If you're a Barry. If you're calling your three-year-old, bads, that's the first mistake. No, that's a... For the crack of name. Bads. It's very unburry, isn't it? It is a little baby, Barry. Sir, what would you like to call him?

31:14Ah, I could... Call him bads. Bads of name. Put him in the... Not in the back in the front seat. Wait. I'm not even a master, my land cruiser. Bads. We used to have a long driveway. And we would on that driveway be allowed... A dirt, a little driveway. Back in Brisbane. Brookfield. Here you go. Bads. And we were... My name is Bads and... We were allowed to drive up the driveway. Sitting on Mum's lap. How old? That was... 30. I think... Yeah, around... Around 6 or 7. Yeah, I... Are you... Are you like filming it and uploading it? We were going so slow. I mean, Ellie was very responsible there. You could hear the car, the car's... Broom! Yeah, that thing was hawking. Well, because the other thing is he's obviously filming and holding. So, like, his attention's on the phone as well as the road. Like... I was like, what? I was like, what? I post that to someone. All so in art. Also, I don't want to wear a tack, a group of people, and group them all together and say you're all the same. But, perth people? No way.

32:15You know what I'm saying? Come for you. Like, am I surprised that he's from Perth, not really? No. Not really. I'm surprised someone didn't say it earlier. I think that's just another day in the office for people in Perth. Perth people are lovely. The Perth dotas are so lovely. I get a lot of business. Derek and Baz's parents, listen. If you are the parent of Baz and you've been charged... All the wife. ...with a wife. Yeah. Or the wife. Or if he's still got one. We want to talk to either of you. I mean... Matt's attacking Perth. I'm not... No, you jump behind me. You are on the... Vicks convinced me. It's gonna be more in Perth. Yeah, I've never been one. I know. It's just... It is in Perth right now. Yeah, you're right. Majority of Perth people are lovely. I do like them all. How many have you met? Those who drive high-luxes and call their kids bad. Baz. Okay. Thank you, Vic. Does it make you feel better about your husband when you see that footage, Vic? The bar is low. He's not my husband, Matt. Oh, sorry.

33:15I'm sorry, sorry, sorry. Did you hear that, Dan? Yeah, I don't think Dan would ever do that. You think. I don't think... I don't think he'd ever do that. I love it if we call them right now. And he's like, one sec. He's a loser! He's a loser! Matt. I've got some breaking news of my own. Don't hit me. Oscar has a new haircut. And yours truly... Did it! Did it. Wow. I want to show you both sides of his head. Okay. And see what you think. Okay. Here's the first side. Can I just ask, before you show me, did you have to convince him to do this? Or did he ask you to do this? He asked me to do this. And I was like, hell yeah, boy. First side. Oh my gosh. It's a lightning bolt. He shaved the side of his head. Okay. Okay. Swipe the next one. Oh, speech stripes. On the other side. Speech stripes. Oh, I'll show you. Oh, wow. He was like, Dad, I want to...

34:15I want the lightning bolt on the side of my head. I was like, I'm so late son. And then he was like, okay. What did I say? Why did you do that? Why does it mean boys? Letters do a thing. I would've colored it if I had some color. Yeah, I don't hate it. It's not the worst haircut I've ever seen. Would you do it with just a little handheld? Yeah. It's a long racing stripe. How fast are you going to go? Are you going to get a little bit of a problem? Are you going to go? Are you going to get matching ones? Yeah, like it? Come on, man. You're all kidding? Show me. I'll come over and give Louis one if you like. Is it not very bond-eyed? Oh. Coming from someone who has an investment property in bond-eyed. How many investments do you got in bond-eyed? It's not about me, bro. It's not me. It's cute. It looks good. Yeah. Do you know what? When you're that age, I mean, it's fine to look silly, isn't it? He's become very self-sufficient.

35:15He likes to think. What do you mean? I think he thinks he's older than he is. The other day, right? Yeah. He was sitting down and he was like, I was like, let's watch a movie or whatever. He's like, yeah, okay, great. Let's watch a movie. Anyways, sifting through the movies and the new Mario Galaxy movie comes up. And he's like, oh, what's this? I was like, I can't. Because you've got to pay for it. $6.99. He was like, I was like, you can't. You've got to pay for it. So you're not going to watch it. I think I was out of it. A couple of minutes later, it walks up to me and he's like, I can plop $7 in my hand, doesn't he? I don't hate that. Oh, go Oscar. I know. And he was like, you know what? I'm impressed. You know what to do. I'll get it. I'll get it. I'll keep it changed. I was like, fuck, too shy. Where do you get it from? Too shy. Good fucking question. Where do you get it from? Where's all my money gone? So I was like, okay. I didn't even watch it in the end. I was like, don't waste your money. It's your money. I kept trying to make it into a lesson. But I was just like, don't waste it. It sort of feels like it is a good lesson though.

36:16Because Mali, she has no comprehension, the value of coins. Like she doesn't, we don't use coins ever hardly. And so she doesn't, she just checks. Just notes. Okay. All right. Okay. You know the beaches people. Yeah, I don't know. Fucking backwards up there. You're still, you can use a card. I don't know. We don't have F pops it out. Yeah. You guys do. Yeah. We have electricity. We're paid in diamonds. Go on. Get going. What do you got? No, I'm actually... I was saying you're doing a good thing, but actually when I think about it... Yeah, fuck. Go fuck yourself. Okay, well, parenting's paid as a ton of money. All right, but anyway. You were on the right track though, because Louis is the same. He has no concept of money. Like if he loses something, he's like, I'll just buy another one. He stole something from the present drawer. A Lego ghost. He was also been hanging out the other way. And he was so quiet in his room and I was like, what's that? He's like, oh, it's the helicopter from the present drawer. He knew.

37:16And so I said that's where all of your book is. Can I just ask you about what's that? Do you know what it is? Or you actually like, what is that? What's that? Oh, here you go. What it is. This is your chance to own up. You're already answering the question for him, really? Well, Dan actually found it first. And then he told me. And Dan was more like, who's got some new look over there? Give me a go. Give me a go. I actually had just said he's been so good playing with his Lego this morning. Oh, he stole. Yeah. So I tipped in front of him his whole pocket money, jar, into my hand and said, this is all gone now. You're ruthless. Because it was $12. Okay, I know kids are kids are young, Molly Steven. Wait, kids are young. Kids are kids are young. Oh, you're okay. I was like, yeah. Thank you. That's good pick up. Good pick up. Good pick up. But Molly has zero appreciation for water bottles. You know that one, the one that I gave her last week? Already gone. Already gone. Gone where? Well, she did hate that one. Yeah, I reckon she kind of lost it on purpose. But she's just constantly, she has gymnastics on a Monday.

38:17And so they take the water bottle to gymnastics. And then gymnastics sounds like when I picked her up, I go, where's your water bottle? And she goes, oh, god. Yeah, I don't know. And I'm like, can you stop losing water bottles? This is just, it's costing us so much money and she's like, what's buying other ones? What's that? I'm like, how do I make my child? Maybe I need it. Maybe I do need to start using currency. You do coins cash. If they're like, start with even just the movie thing. It was like, if it's time to watch a movie, I'll send out a afternoon. Just be like, yeah. Of course, money. Who's got the money for this one? But then you could be like, you know what? I'll shout the first one for this week. Pretend that you pay for it. But where? I'll give you an example. Going. So Louis lost his lunch box. Similar thing to a water bottle. Hasn't eaten since. Yeah. And I said, he looks great though. He looks great though. He's a legend. He's a legend. He's really trimmed out. Mum, please. Oh, he plays with StarVee. Well, that was a legend. That was a legend. That was a legend. But I said to him, unless you find it, that money is coming out of your pocket money.

39:19They're wondering stealing things. He's got none left from the Lego department. He's going to teach a lesson because he's, as I said, like he just thinks if you lose something, you replace it. Louis is going to be an notorious criminal. Yeah, you are. So we're trying to teach you about... So we're taking everything from here. On his lunch break to the kids. He's like, give me that. Fucking Jimmy. Give me yours. He's breaking in the bags. He comes home with six lunch boxes. Hey, Mum. Shut up. Look what you got. He's just studying. It's okay if you're happy. He's starting to keep stirring things. Give us your lunch. Hey, this is going to shock you to your core. Oh, good. I could use a pep up. Go. Okay. I came home the other day. Right? Park the car and walking along the street up into my house, up the stairs. And something catches my eye. Not the penis branch, is it? No, that's doing quite well. Get through. Yeah, it's still growing. It's girthy, you're bastard. And so, a little reminder, I used to live in the next door to a lovely lady called Ronda.

40:19Sadly, Darn on the toilet. Darn on the toilet. Thank you. Ash. So, her nephew has come out of the woodworks. Oh, yes. And he's laid claim to the house. You should have changed your last name to her last name. No. I don't need that property. Must be not. I don't need another property. And so, this nephew, you seem to be quite nice. When he first came in, everybody was kind of like, oh, is that the nephew? Because there was rumors of the nephew. So, the nephew appeared. And he hasn't technically got the house just yet, because it takes a while to go through the process of like saying, I'm the relative, I'm a title to it, if there's no... Going off. It takes months. They're cooling off, period. But now he's appearing quite more frequently. He started doing some gardening, which I'm like, oh, I guess that's like nice. Like he's making sure the house is, you know, kept clean and tidy. And he was cutting a few branches. Right? And then, as I was walking up the stairs, I look at my garden bed. I glance at one of my trees.

41:21Oh, no. He is cut on my trees. Okay. I think that's illegal. Yeah. Wait, excuse me? Are you not working with that? What the fuck is wrong with you? What are we attacking me for? I don't know. It's like someone moaning a family pet. And you're like, okay. Really? Yeah, he's cut Ash one of my trees. Okay. And he stepped onto my property. With a significant tree to you. Doesn't matter. It's one of those properties. I don't know. I'm just asking. I don't know why I'm being attacked. Is that not allowed? To come in to someone's property and cut their plan. Is it a joining? No. Was it confused? No, no. And for the record, it wasn't one of those trees that is on the border. On the border. So it's kind of lentil. I'm sorry, you're not sorry. It was like well and truly. It was well and truly on my side. The outrageous level I need to be. Someone has just has vandalized slash destroyed your property. Yes.

42:21Now I'm with you. Okay. Just another 20%. Outrageous. Thank you. Fucking. It's hard. It's hard work during this podcast. This podcast isn't shared with us. This podcast is penis. Maybe he needs an analogy. I was thinking like it would be like someone coming into your flat and shopping. You're still on half trees. And chopping down one of your walls. And there's a couple of walls I'd like to get rid of. Oh, well, this is hard. I don't have any trees. Just be mindful of that. Okay. You know, it's still property though. Okay. So someone has come in and vandalized my property. Go on. That's all I got really. I'm incredibly honest. I think I've confronted him yet. Well, I can't because he's not there. He only comes like once a month. What's he done to this tree though? He's cut it down. Let's just cut the whole thing down. More like a branch of the tree. Okay. That's besides the point. As long as there's not the penis right. May as well be the whole tree. But I just think this is like, this is war. Does he know this is war? Is it clear that it's a war? No, it's clear. I'll show you the footage. Have a look at this. Are you going to confront him about it? I don't know if I'm going to confront him because like, fuck. What's the point? He's a big guy. And he drives.

43:21And he drives. Oh, nobody comes along. And I just like, what? Do you want me to get dad? How? I'm okay. Get dad. Get a trade off. Get dad. I'm okay. He's a big cuddly bear. Let's be honest. Yeah, he's. He just been chopping up now to drink and cups of tea. I'd be like, dad, quick. Get the saw. Get the hammer. He played a new tree. And he'd be in big with Nana. I'd be like, yeah. So what do you know? If I see him, I was thinking to myself, how do I raise this? If I go like, hey, dude, you cut my fucking tree. Why? He'd be like, because I wanted to. I'd be like, okay, thank you. Yeah, maybe you can just be like, hey, dude, just say next time you're doing some fucking landscaping. Maybe stick to your own lawn. But that's fighting words in Rome. If I was you, I would assert your dominance. I'd have any dominance. I'd have any dominance. I'd have lived the neighbor before and all that. I'd leave you. Stop with that. Cutting a neighbor's tree is illegal if you go onto their property across the boundary line or kill the tree, but you can generally trim branches or roots hanging over your own

44:22property line. But the weird thing is, why this one branch? I don't understand. I don't understand what he's thinking. And it's like this thing. It's obviously been sold out. Is it like, is that like a threat? I don't get it. What's he gonna do? You need to confront him. I'm not a confront. Maybe just talk, just say, hey, I'm not sure if you're aware, but you cut down some of my tree, bro. Does sound kind of lame when you say it. But I know, but it's like, I just be like, hey, did you cut our tree? Okay, okay. So you are in the tree? And then he goes, yeah. And then I'll be like, why did you do that? Because I fucking wanted to. But that's my property. You fucking do it again. I see what happens. I know. But then it's like, how would you feel if I cut one of your trees? I've had it if I can't remember it. Fuck you, what? How about that? How's that done? That's the analogy. That's the analogy. There it is. That's what it's like. So cutting out a tree is like coming up. Cutting your grass. And that if you came home in April was like, I just got fucked by the neighbor. You'd be like, well, that's not right. That's not okay. But Barry and Andrew there is low.

45:26Maybe don't confront. Maybe quiz, because he might do it again thinking it's his tree. He doesn't mind on that. No, you cannot. You can say that. I think quiz is the right word though. It's the right tone you want to take. Be like curious. You're like, let me quiz you. Actually, if you're someone who was who was dumbness, like what was you thinking here? Is it like, are you trying to start something? Well, maybe they're like me. He doesn't know. You know what's weird? You know what's weird? I think it's free for you. You know what's fucking weird. You know what? Okay. You know what I am confused about. So Ronda who was not quite there, occasionally she used to be like, she was like the yuckers, because it's a yuck a tree. The yuckers, they're an eye saw and I'd be like, what do you mean Ronda? She hated the yuckers. And she was like, the yuckers, I hate the yuckers. I missed all of this. When did she talk about it? She used to be like walking, sometimes when I walk kids down to second to school. She'd come out and be like, get bloody trees, yuck a yuckers. And I was like, okay Ronda, she's like, they're disgusting. What is a yuck a tree? It's a yuck a tree. I'll show you. I'm learning so much.

46:26And then, when I first met him, I was like, I hear, funny. Ronda used to be a bit crazy and she's always ever got the yuck a tree. And he was like, okay, did she now? So I don't know if he's like, you think he's coming out? I don't know if he's finishing her work. Yeah. Maybe. She's cutting those yuck a tree down from the grave. I think I'm going to let this one slide, but if he cuts anything else. Then I'm stepping up to him. Then I'm going to step up to the plate. If he doesn't one more time and then another time after that. And maybe one more time after that, then I definitely think about might reach standing up to him. He comes up to him after that. My God, and then he pulled those down. And you're like, what about you back yard? I'm like, yeah, it's just a no but pie. If he touches the house. That's going to two percent. Then, then that's it. Then I'm like, Lord help me. Yeah, if he comes near the house one more time, I might think about even saying something at some stage down the track in the future, near then and sometimes then. And Ash, just really quickly, just before we go, I don't know if this has ever happened to you before. Have you ever been in a toy store or any kind of store, I guess,

47:31and your child's damaged something and you've had to pay for it? No. How badly LOLA. No, it wasn't LOLA. Whoa! What? Poor LOLA. Well, I know. It's a good track. Okay. So, in Bondi, there is a toy store. And in the junk show, I was just like, Bondi Beach for those playing home. Is it all wooden toys and carved? Can we just lay off Bondi, please? No, I think we. People in Bondi have feelings too. No, they don't. Okay. You live on an accepted tank. We do, actually. Yeah. It's lovely. We do want a tough. We do want a tough, we've got wooden toys. So, we're in this toy store and I just want to say, for reference, to paint a picture, Poppy has the strength of a grown man. Okay. Her grasp is strong. Good. And she's quick now, dude. She's quick. She's like, you know, when you see those videos of people in Italy and they're like, pick, bucket, air, pick, bucket, pick, bucket. She's like that. If you stand too close to her, just, you know, whatever is in your pocket, it's gone

48:34because she's like, harnessed. She'll take it. Harnessed. So, look over. And she's picked up something. Right? And I'm like, oh, put that back. A turn around and the store owner is like, you're going to have to pay for that. And I was like, what do you mean? And he said, well, she put that in her mouth. Oh. This is the toy in question. It's been plagued with. I can see that. So she's grabbed it. It's very phallic. Right? Look at the tip. I thought it was like one of those tentacles. You know, they're one of those sex toy tentacles? So I'm going to sex shop with Poppy. It's called the big squirt. It's not the big squeege. Let's close. Very close. Hey? So she's put it in her mouth and he said, you've got to pay for this now. And I was like, well, I could just wipe it. I got a wipe here and he goes, no, no, no, no, no, no, you got to pay for that. She's like, it's 20 bucks. So I was like, I guess she's going to play with it. So I will buy it. But I was like, it's like Buster's red rocket. It does look a lot like, okay, we've had a lot of penis references. Let's just, that's the end of it. Carry on.

49:34But I was like, if your child puts something in its mouth for a split second, does that qualify for you having to pay for it? It's not broken. I get germs hygiene. But did I have to pay for this? Probably not. Right? And I was like, do you know what? I'm going to help out this store. I'm going to do the right thing. I'm going to pay in 20 bucks. I'll be at the beachfront store in Bonda. So dude, I pay for it and I turn around. She's got another one in my mouth. And it goes, you pay for that too. No. And I was like, I'm out on the store. But we've got everything in your mouth. Hang on a sec. So you got two of these. Yeah. What's it for? It's just a squishy toy. It's for Buster Master. It's for Buster Master. It's not for Buster, bro. It's for kids. It's for kids who have squishy toys now. It's for kids who have squishy toys now. It's for kids who have squishy toys now. It's for kids who have squishy toys now. I think based off the material it's made out of, you can wipe that off. 100%. Right? That's like a play map, which are all over the shopping centers, which probably have children's saliva all over them. You're sure to say, this is cleaner than most of the bet.

50:35Countlessops in this shop, they're big men. So... Yeah, but you know what I'm up with, confrontation? I can't fucking do it. Yeah. Maybe we should do is set that shop owner up against the guy who cut your tree down. Oh, yeah. And just told shit about it that they said, pit him against each other. I'm dealing with a lot right now. I think if... And then on top of that, you guys just keep shooting on people from Bondite. So... It's not a fake. I've had my trees being cut down. My trees is not working. I think we have too much money in Bondite. Like that. I support you through thick and thin. Okay. I would say if it was a furry sort of toy, and she's put it in a mouth. I don't care what you say. This is your story, Rob. I'm just trying to help you feel better about it. I don't need you. I don't need your sympathy. Okay. All right. If you've enjoyed this episode, please. Leave us a review, subscribe, send us a message, or follow us on social media. To the only dad's Instagram, TikTok, Facebook group, and YouTube. Okay. Bye! See ya.

52:01We pay our respects to their elders, past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gadigal Land.