0:00Episode 4204, speak your spouse's language. Mom's, it's time to rediscover, rejuvenate, and renew who you are in mind, body, and spirit. Welcome to Create Your Now, Your Best Selfie, the show that help you do just that. Here's your host, Certified Life Coach, Personal Trainer, and Nutritionist, Christian Wardo. Happy every day! How's your weekend going? Oh, come on, I know you're excited. Okay, maybe you're not that excited, but if you don't have to go to work and maybe you just get to enjoy the family, that should give you some excitement too, right? And what about the person you're sleeping with? Oh, yes, the one you said I do too? Speak your spouse's language. For those of you who are brand-new to Create Your Now, welcome to this incredible family. I'm so delighted of your presence. If you already have an opportunity, you want to head on over to CreateYourNow.com where you can learn more and sign up for the Kisses newsletter. They keep it simple strategy, everyday solutions, to live love and impact.

1:01With this episode is brought to you by AIM, Inspiring Connection, and Community. All right, why do you hope you have a smile on your face? Because if not, well, maybe by the end of this episode, you will. Because guess what? There's nothing more... Oh, I don't know what's the word satisfying, gratifying. I mean, there's so many things than being in love, right? Falling in love all over again. And I feel like this fall, we need to do just that. And that's what we've come up with this series, Falling in Love all over again. Because sometimes we just kind of keep doing the same thing. We think it's worked and we don't pay much attention. Not that we don't want to. It's just that we can spend that energy a little bit differently. And honestly, we only have a certain amount of energy to give, right? Sometimes we cap out and are, you know, just like a plug, right? You can't plug in an electric dryer into a regular outlet, right? In your kitchen. Won't work. You're going to blow something.

2:01Maybe even blow your house. I guess not a good idea. There are different energies that are needed. And part of our life, when we say I do, is our marriages require that, right? And honestly, we get so busy. And that's okay. There's no guilt there. But we get ramped up and all the new stuff. For the fires we're putting out or the kids stages of life. Or await the holidays or or and or that we forget the end. And we leave our spouses hanging. And then one day all of a sudden you're like, who are you? I mean, you know each other. You kind of think each other is still cute. You're putting up with each other. You still live in the same house. You're probably still sleeping somewhat in the same bed. But maybe you're just two ships passing in the night. I want you to have a strong marital foundation. I want you to have a strong marriage. I want you to be able to have a love that can weather any storm. The small ones, the big ones, the ones that you honestly didn't even see coming.

3:04But in order to do that, we've got to be willing to do some things a little bit differently. And honestly, think about some things. You know, you can love your spouse deeply, consistently and sincerely. Yet they still feel unloved. And this has nothing to do with doing it right or wrong. It's about speaking your love language instead of theirs. How you express love matters, especially when nobody is keeping score. So you got to learn to speak your spouse's language, not just yours. And that's the thing, right? Most of us default to loving people the way we want to be loved. Makes sense. If words of encouragement fill your cup, you naturally pour words into your spouse. Makes sense. If you feel most connected through quality time, you assume sitting together on the couch is the ultimate act of devotion. But what if your spouse's cup has a completely different shape? What if the love you're pouring is spilling right over the edges because

4:05well, the container doesn't match? It's maybe too small because what it needs isn't what you're giving it. This isn't about doing more. It is about doing it differently. I want you to think about it this way. Imagine someone speaking to you passionately, urgently, with everything in them. I've done it a few times here on the podcast. You know I have. I get into it and you're like, oh, here comes Kristian. You know that this is getting under her skin. Or you know she's passionate about it. Yes, but in a language you have never heard of, right? All of a sudden, you're like, oh, you're going to see it differently. You can see the effort. You can feel the emotion, but you cannot understand a single word. It's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. But you know it's, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And you're like, I want to understand, but I can't understand. That is what happens in a marriage when two people are expressing love fluently, but in two completely different love languages.

5:05It's kind of the Charlie Brown effect. Want, want, want, want, want, want, want. Whether it is words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, receiving gifts, or physical touch, every person has a primary way they receive love. And your spouse's way may look nothing like yours. Now here's where it begins to get a little bit uncomfortable. It is not your spouse's job to translate your love into something they can feel. Okay, are you still listening? I'm hoping so because that was kind of a gut punch there. Let me try to say it again to you. It is not your husband's job to translate the way you love him into something he can feel. It's actually your job to learn how he wants to receive it, how he wants to hear it, and then love him that way on purpose. Now I got to tell you, that doesn't mean that your way of loving is wrong.

6:09That means it's just yours. That's great. And marriage is not about loving for yourself. It is when you need to look at yourself in the mirror and love your reflection, that kind of thing, right? When it's self-reflection, you're trying to gain better, becoming who you are, right? That's important, but that's what we're talking about here. Right? It's about loving for the person standing next to you, sleeping next to you, Philippians 2 versus 3 and 4 puts it plainly, do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather in humility, value others above yourselves, not look into your own interests, but each of you to the interests of the others. That's the posture of a marriage that lasts. Not oh, wait, here's what I need from you. But tell me what love sounds like in your world, because I want to learn to speak it. Now, that doesn't mean your needs don't matter, because they do.

7:12It's a two way street. It goes both ways, but someone has to go first, right? It starts with one, but you've got to have two to finish. So someone has to be the one who stops assuming and starts asking. So why not let that someone be you? Why not allow yourself to go a little bit deeper to say, I want a stronger marriage. I want a foundation in our marriage that, yes, we can weather that storm. Most couples have never even had a conversation about this. You've probably been married for years, maybe decades. And you have never set a cross from each other and said, what makes you feel most loved by me? We plan vacations. We talk about finances. We plan bedtime routines, and we negotiate how that's going to work, grocery lists, what we're going to buy. We talk about cars. We talk about the right home. We're going to purchase. We're going to go out to eat. But we skipped the one conversation that could change the temperature of our entire home. Love spoken in the wrong language

8:13still sounds like silence. And silence in a marriage, especially an unintentional one, creates distance that nobody meant to build. So how do you close the gap? You got to learn to love fluently. That is your kiss to keep it simple strategy. Learn to love fluently and maybe kiss a little bit better too. Sometimes my kisses kind of go off. Oh, man, I just got to tell you this sidebar here. When I throw those kisses, I mean, they're real sounds. They're not sound makers. They're my own lips. I know that sounds weird. But I'm just telling you because it depends on, did I take sip of water? Or is it like, oh, I just have this thought. I'm going to finish it right now. And I feel like sometimes my kiss is stutter. But you know what you see? It's a good reminder. Nothing is perfect, right? And that's the key, even in marriage, right? Nothing's going to be perfect. But we can still learn to speak fluently. And I want you to think about this as a foreign language.

9:15Okay. I'm not big on foreign languages, meaning I personally don't feel comfortable trying to speak them. Why? Because I think they sound a little, well, not they sound funny. I sound funny. Okay. So take that and say, okay, I got to learn to love fluently. Well, you might want to learn all about your husband's love language, but you might think that you sound funny. But I guarantee you it's going to be received differently. In a manner that's actually more of a service from the heart than the way maybe you used to do it or you think that it still has worked because it's been working for 15, 20, 30 years. So what do you do now? What's your fluency now? What is working and what is not? I want you to think about that first because if you're willing to experiment with how to love your spouse,

10:15it's going to strengthen your marriage from the bottom up. And so I think we can kind of work on this. I've got three things. Not anything major out of the box weird, but just some ways to say, okay, I can do that. That's something different. I may not like foreign languages because I think I sound a little strange. So I'm learning a new level language. I think I sound strange, but maybe actually I don't because why? Because number one, I'm going to converse with my spouse. That's what you want to do. Ask your spouse directly. What makes you feel most loved by me? And I would encourage you to ask that question and be quiet. Just sit. And I'm going to tell you right now, if you haven't ever asked that question or something around this type of conversation, it's going to come out of left field. And you may have an awkward look. You may say, where is this coming from? Like they're going to be inquisitive as into, why are you asking me this?

11:15And no time was floating in their mind, but say, you know, I want to learn to love you better. We've grown. We've been married for, right? However long, we've been married 27 and a half years. I want to be able to love you better. Because the worst thing you could do honestly is don't assume you already know because you don't. Their answer is probably going to surprise you and it will certainly guide you to sit with it. Write it down if you need to. Type it in your little iPhone or your Samsung or your Galaxy or whatever it is that you have. Your cell phone. Type it in there if you need to. And remember, this isn't a quiz. It's an invitation to know them more deeply than you did yesterday. And you also have to remember, maybe you're thinking, oh, we've only been married for five years, not much has changed. Oh, I can tell you right now in five years, a lot has changed. Ask the question. Seriously, I know there's a lot of women out there

12:19who have gotten divorced or for whatever reason, maybe they didn't get married till later in life. Men, you too. These are kind of conversations that you want to have with your spouse. Don't wait five, 10, 15 years. Ask them now. Ask why you're dating if you're dating. Say, how can I love you more deeply? What speaks to you? Because honestly, let me give you an example. I had a great girlfriend. And she has a husband whose really love languages is, and I'm going to say this nicely, is stuff. Okay? Gifts. All right? We want gifts. And I'm not saying gifts are wrong or anything, but hear me out for a minute. Listen to the whole story. She was given a gift of a three-karat ring. Now, I can tell you this, it's a beautiful ring. But it's a huge ring. And she's like, well, goodness, if I don't have my nails done, I can't wear the ring.

13:20So someday she doesn't feel like she should wear it, because someday she just doesn't have her nails done. And there's nothing wrong with that. But she's like, I've got to have my hands up. I've got to look pretty if I'm going to put on this gorgeous ring. Well, then guess what? The hubby gets upset because she's not wearing the ring. Okay. So who's fault is that? And you're going to say, well, one ship told the other, really? Oh, wait, let's go to a conversation. She likes the ring. There's nothing wrong with the ring. But it could have been done a little bit differently. Are they going to have a conversation as to the expectations later on with the giving of that? Was the ring really for her or was it more for him saying, well, this just shows you. You know, I gave you a half a carrot when we got married. But now, to me, it's three carrots. And I want people to see when they look at your hand, how much I love you. But maybe to her, it has nothing to do with that. Maybe to her, it's all about the heart. Maybe to her, it's about the words exchanged and sitting together and having those heartfelt moments.

14:22See what I mean? So, converse with your spouse. Don't assume you might be surprised. Number two, identify. Identify your own love language and share it. Marriage is a two-way street. Let your spouse know what fills your cup so they are not guessing either. So, you got to figure out your love language, but you also want to ask about theirs first, right? Okay? So, we're not being selfish here. And then, when you both have the words for what you need, you can stop playing a guessing game that nobody wins. I mean, can you imagine Christmas being totally different because you know how to extend what they really want? I mean, what have you been giving gifts this whole time and really your spouse truly just wants a letter? Okay, all I can say is prices are going up. Amen to that. Let's get some beautiful pen and some gorgeous paper. And let's sit down and write a letter. Maybe it's the 12 letters of Christmas.

15:23Love letters of Christmas. And you write a love letter for 12 days. And then he can open it up. Right now, that's his love language. It's wonderful. Great idea. Okay? But you got to know your spouse because otherwise it's going to fall flat. And they got to know you too. So, first, you got to confess. Second, you got to identify your own. And third, you got to, uh-huh, you know it. Practice. Practice one deliberate act in your spouse's love language every day this week. Why? Well, you know why. For me, I think I sound funny when I speak another foreign language. Well, that's why we practice. So we don't think we sound funny. And then it's received differently by the other person. And so you got to practice the love language of your spouse's. So if their language is acts of service, handle something on their list without being asked. If it's words of affirmation, leave a note where they will find it. Not where you have to like be obvious about it,

16:24but just make it a little surprise. If it's a physical touch, reach for their hand before they reach for yours. Small and consistent beats, grand and occasional every time. It does. Build in that muscle. And that means you got to learn the love language. Fluency does not happen overnight. You're going to fumble. Oh yeah. You're going to kick the ball the wrong direction for sure. You're going to default back to your own language because it's comfortable. And it's what you know. And there's nothing wrong with that. Love is patient, love is kind, right? And love is also a practice. It requires us to take aim, actually, in next motivation. First Corinthians 13 reminds us that the love does not insist on its own way. It does not keep a record of who did what first or who got it right. It just keeps showing up. And that's all this is showing up.

17:25Not with what is easy for you, but with what matters to your spouse. And that's the difference. Rainer Maria, Rilky, I think it's how you pronounce the last name, R-I-L-K-E. Once wrote, the highest form of love is to be the protector of another person's solitude. Think about that for a moment. The highest form of love is not filling every silence or fixing every problem. Sometimes it's simply knowing your person well enough to give them exactly what their soul needs. Even when it looks nothing like what yours would ask for. That's fluency. That's what it means to speak your spouse's language. So I've got a question for you. What language has your spouse been speaking that you might have been missing? And what would it look like to answer them back in the way they actually hear it?

18:27My friend, you don't need a perfect plan. You need a willing heart and an open mouth, willing to ask, willing to listen, and willing to love differently than you have been loved before. Until next time, keep falling in love all over again. Go in peace. Be present. Be incredible. Be you. I love you so very much. I cannot wait to see you on the other side. Blessing tongues and lots and lots of love. We'll talk to you all soon. Have a glorious birthday. Bye-bye. Feeling inspired and ready to train for life and love your journey, visit treeyournow.com for more incredible resources to help you along the way. We'll see you next time on Create Your Now, Your Best Selfie. And remember, always be sure you consult your physician before beginning any health and fitness plan.