930: Quiet Quitting Your Marriage

0:00College football is back. So, Hilton called to me the superstition concierge to make your fan rituals a reality. Need a room to match your lucky number? We got you. Want to make sure our team doesn't wash your lucky jersey? Oho, that smells lucky. Hilton's unmatched hospitality can keep up with any superstition. Even a marching bandwink up call it 555 and 55 seconds. Hit it! When you need a team that will do whatever it takes on game day, it matters where you stay. Hilton, for this day. This message is brought to you by Applecard. With Applecard, you earn unlimited daily cashback on everyday purchases, like groceries, merch, or tickets to the game. Plus, it can be used anywhere Mastercard is accepted. No matter your team, no matter where you shop, Applecard is here to help you tackle game day. Apply in the wallet app on your iPhone today. Subject to credit approval. Applecard is issued by Goldman Sachs Bank USA Salt Lake City Branch, terms and more at Applecard.com.

1:00From Mr. Stero, Florida, this is the one extraordinary marriage show. We're being busy as overdone, romantic as fun, and scheduling sex I've taken the guesswork out of wondering when you're going to get some. Creators of the six pillars of intimacy, I'm Tony DeLorendel, your co-host along with my beautiful wife, Alisa, from coast to coast and around the world. Thank you for joining us. It's time to talk sex, love, and commitment. Give us a call or text us on the hook hotline at 858-876-5663, or send us an email to hugs at oneextraudinarymarriage.com. In today's episode, we're talking about what it means to quietly quit your marriage, how to recognize it, and what you can do before the silence becomes permanent. There's an anonymous quote that says, This silence doesn't always mean peace. Sometimes it means that someone has stopped trying. And around this phenomena of quietly quitting your marriage, I think that's something that we really need to take to heart in today's episode.

2:01And just just file that away, right? Like silence doesn't always mean that things are good. Yeah. Right? We've seen it a lot of marriages over the years, and we're going to talk about that in today's episode. But first, this hug that we're about to share with you came from an email that we received in regard to a couple of the 26 pillars of intimacy certified coaches, and they're also small group leaders. And it just starts with Paul and Todd are phenomenal leaders and an inspiration. We are so glad that they obeyed God's call or prompts to lead a six pillars of intimacy small group at our church. We've learned so many new tools through your book. We started our journey on the brink of divorce in 2025 when we were 24 years married. I was done. We were on a crazy cycle of highs and lows with me feeling disconnected. I agree. The emotional pillar is definitely the workhorse. Our journey started with marriage coaching from another Christian couple that started the ball and the healing rolling. But we were still in a roller coaster of highs and lows when I saw the six pillars of intimacy group opportunity at my church.

3:04My interest was peaked. I asked my husband to sign us up and he did. He's definitely I am so glad we did it is a game changer. I've read many self help Christian books over the years, but the six pillars of intimacy impressed me with how you've organized the advice. I've seen into tidy compartments. My husband has become more open and vulnerable to me as I have to him. We just had an evening at our church where we were part of a panel for the six pillars of intimacy and now Paul and Todd are leading two groups. We are the host house for one of them and doing the study a second time hoping to grow even more in our marriage as we pay it forward. We're so thankful for the six pillars of intimacy. God is a miracle worker and wants to see marriages healed and growing. We are looking forward to our best marriage in the next 25 years. Paul and Todd thank you for saying yes to leading these groups and pouring into the marriages at our church. No, I love it and you know most hugs we do anonymously which we have done here.

4:05We didn't name the person who sent this in but Todd and Paula have been a part of the one family for many, many years. They've gone on a six pillars at sea cruise marriage getaway cruise with us are going to go on another one with us next year. They are a true blessing to a Lisa and I they have impacted the one family you see that emotion wheel right there that's because Todd and Paula told us about it and they are doing mighty work and it's all because they stepped in and started with a small group. They are now six pillars of intimacy certified coaches it's amazing what can happen when you take a step out in faith and just go let's go do it. It doesn't need to be perfect. It doesn't need to be exact. It's just we're willing to go do something to help other people even though we may still be a mess. At least and I not at least and I can raise our hands we're still a mess at time and we still come behind these microphones every week for the last 16 and a half years to show that we can still have an extraordinary marriage and still work through our stuff.

5:11And so if that's you go do it. Become a six pillars of intimacy certified coach help other couples in your community see and use a six pillars of intimacy and be impacted by what God wants in their life and marriage. Absolutely. And you know it's amazing how much and a lot of times what you guys don't know is I will you know be in preparation thing about the show hooks committed different times. I'm like oh that's going to be the next hug and I often don't even see the correlation sometimes between the hug and the episode because I'm just like oh it's the next one that came in and we drop it into the episode but this hug really ties in to this episode I'm going to be you know talking about that throughout the episode but the idea for exploring quietly quitting your marriage actually came because maybe a month or so ago girlfriend reaches out to me and she's like hey have you I was listening to this podcast have you heard this term. And I said I have no idea what you're talking about send me the podcast and in it it was a podcast that Oprah had done.

6:14And she was you know exploring this topic that has been made popular by this journalist Monica Corcoran Harrell who first used the phrase in a 2025 New York magazine article and was bringing attention to it and I was totally intrigued by this idea of quietly quitting because I've sat across I mean at this point in time I've sat across from probably 600 husbands wives couples marriages in my 14 years of marriage. I've seen my 14 years of coaching it and I've seen the scenario I just didn't know that there was actually a term for it right and so let me let me just give you kind of a contextual paint you a picture right so you have you have a wife who for years has been you know begging for more communication or dates or time together and the husband's just like oh my gosh you're just a broken record like I'm trying to provide I'm trying to do all these things and she keeps hoping that something's going to change. Can we take it from the husband side to are you going to take it from the husband's I was absolutely is it is both with the reason I like actually started with the wife is because the journalist the Oprah podcast a lot of the literature around this is looking at it from a wife's perspective got it but I will say having been across from all of those marriages all these years 100% this happens on both sides okay it's just a lot of the media attention that's being given around this.

7:42This takes it from the wife's perspective where you know spouse has been asking for all kinds of all kinds of help and you know needs and then after a while she's just like you know what I'm good I'm not going to bring it up anymore he's not going to do anything and he's like so we. Like she's not nagging me we're in this place where like we're peaceful we're you know living our lives we're doing our things and that silence doesn't always mean what you think it means right that silence actually you know more and more in the literature is that quiet quitting right that I'm not I'm just not going to bring up the issues we have. Or I'll make plans without my spouse right I'm starting to do things that I'm not going to you know like really you know beg for affection or sexual intimacy I'm not going to initiate it i'll put more energy into the kids for a lot of men that energy gets transferred to putting it into work or hobbies or that type of thing and and couple gets into a place where they're like you know what we're good functioning as we're good being in that place and like Tony said this is not your ass it's not just why.

8:57Yes we've seen it with husbands over the years well it's interesting you bring this up because i'm talking to a guys that I know and we're just talking about certain things and this isn't them these are other people that they know that this is happening as well and so from a husband perspective they know the marriages over basically and yet there is no inclination to make any change or do anything. And they are more than okay just living out their lives and not actually separating or getting divorced because of finances but they are. Living to separate lives 100% 100% which is wild to me when people other guys were sharing this with me and i was like. That is so interesting the silence becomes so deafening that it's easier for them to just go instead of saying hey let's make some change let's do something different let's let's step into this it's easier just to go.

9:58Matt you have your side of the house i'll have my side of the house and we'll just go about our our days. You know it's one of those things like Tony was saying how this concept of quietly quitting your marriage actually starts to create two different experiences within the same household right one spouse is going hey you know we might be having some difficulties it's it's a season. And the other spouse is like we've been dying for years right like I have been it's almost like this image of a vine or something like I've been literally withering on the vine. For years and you're like yeah you know what we're just kind of in a drought. Right it's a little it's a little bit hard you know one will person will say I had no idea this is this bad no idea was this bad and the other person is like i've been trying to tell you this. For years you know the one spouse is going to remember every request or every bid for affection that has been unanswered and the other person's like well you know what like I mean that was a conversation we had but I didn't realize and I think this is something I hear to is.

11:03I didn't realize how serious it was or how bad the situation is right and you know you start looking at this and we know. I'm recently working with a couple who's going through premarital with me and one of the things they were asking it ties into this is like how do you keep the marriage a priority. Because they've seen in their own lives they've seen these marriages that have become functional. Right instead of intimate where conversations and that they're so I love it because you know here's this young couple who are asking these questions like how do we not drift into a place where our affection is going to decrease. Or we're not going to make one another priority or we're going to find ourselves sitting on opposite ends of the couch or not going on dates and and being in this place and I remember looking at them this session just happened the other day and I'm like you're asking all the right questions. I said but here's the thing.

12:05You have to stay vigilant. Throughout the course of your marriage right because I think you and I have both had seasons where you know directly directly we've been in this place of quietly quitting the marriage. Oh absolutely I mean if we go back to those first 11 years how many times did we not talk to one another or we would bring something up but to never bring it up again. I mean even now they're just I'm not saying we're quietly quitting and yet there are still times now in our own marriage where we can go a little silent on one another. There are heavy things that are on our plates on our minds and instead of being willing to engage in our emotional intimacy we can we can just be in our own heads and stay there for way too long coming up with ideas that are not even I would say correct of who you are who I am instead of engaging one another to break that silence but I could see where over years of this happening how that can become such a chasm to then go how do I get across to my spouse.

13:23How do I get across that chasm to open up again or engage them again because it's been so long. Well and you know two things came to mind as you were saying that one is you know years ago I think you remember when we were having the conversation around. In the absence of information the imagination runs wild yep so you know thinking through that like if we're not talking. You know if we're not engaged and the other aspect of what I was thinking about as you were talking to is you know this quietly quitting you know a lot of people think oh it's going to show up you know first in the emotional intimacy like we're going to stop having conversations and that's one way. That it does show up like the conversations become more logistical or functional but as I'm as I'm here with Tony and talking to all of you there's also just this very heavy awareness that it might not start in the emotional intimacy right you might start quitting your marriage because. These unresolved or unspoken or you know just the length of time it's taking to get any kind of response from your spouse.

14:24I mean it could easily show up in one of the other five. Oh absolutely I mean as soon as you said that you know I've had conversations with with husbands again and just having these these just you know offhanded just chill and you start talking and you hear they're like. Man I can't remember the last time we went out together without the children or even some of them here who are empty nesters when I say here Southwest Florida you know they they they they're around each other and yet they don't go do something fun together. And I think there is a distinction between those two and that's why around recreational intimacy we call it the fun pillar right this isn't just activities we do just for the sake of doing it it's not just grocery shopping insane hey this is a date it's actually like what do we do that is fun that we that bring some joy to each of us dancing. Playing cards playing mini golf you know something bowling whatever it may look like.

15:30Something that allows us to have fun. Yeah I mean you can you can see and it's something to be aware of right like if this if this phenomena of quietly quitting your marriage is starting to creep in it's something where we we need to be proactive right if you are part of the one family if you have been you know maybe red six pillars or done anything like there's there's the sense of what's possible or what's going to happen. What the extraordinary could be and this disease and I'm actually going to call it a disease of quietly quitting your marriage of allowing this kind of infection to spread because of growing disconnect between the two of you it's something to go hold up. And this was a straight up tell you this was my reaction and girlfriend sends me this podcast I'm like oh not on our watch right like we're going to go after this and we're going to come it like push back push against this idea of quietly quitting your marriage. We're going to talk about how to do that after this break.

16:34College football is back so Hilton called me the superstition concierge to make your fan rituals a reality need a room to match your lucky number we got you want to make sure our team doesn't wash your lucky Jersey. Oh that smells lucky. Hilton's unmatched hospitality can keep up with any superstition even a marching band wake up call it 5555 seconds. When you need a team that will do whatever it takes on game day it matters where you stay Hilton for this day. This message is brought to you by Apple card with Apple card you earn unlimited daily cash back on every day purchases like groceries, merch or tickets to the game. Plus it can be used anywhere master card is accepted no matter your team no matter where you shop Apple card is here to help you tackle game day. Apply in the wallet app on your iPhone today subject to credit approval Apple card is issued by Goldman Sachs bank USA Salt Lake City branch terms and more at Apple card dot com.

17:34So we're back and we've been discussing this phrase that is making its way into society into culture quietly quitting your marriage and we take no credit for this obviously it's been coined by a journalist but it is something that Tony and I feel really strongly. About talking and introducing into the one family and saying hold up what can we do yeah. Because it's it's so often what's left unsaid or left undone that allows a marriage to be in this place where you are in silos where it's like here's my world and here's his world and there is no there is no shared space there. Yeah and I just want to say something before we get into what you could do. As a couple I want to I just want to say this real quick we started this episode with a hug about a couple who stepped out in faith started a small group. Now our certified coaches brought this to their church 160 plus couples or people were there at this event now they have two small groups going on you may be hearing this and going well this is an ass we're cool.

18:46And yet what if you did something that allowed a couple to come in who is in this place to be able to go we found community we found people who are like us who are willing to step alongside us and help us through this remember folks this isn't only about us. It was a Lisa and I wouldn't be behind these microphones for 16 and a half years just want it we would have been we would have been good. We would have been 18 years ago when when we radically transformed our own marriage and so to me it doesn't matter if one couple shows up who you're being a blessing you're touching somebody's life is it going to take some time is it going to take some effort sure. Is it worth it I would say it is sometimes I don't know if people are even listening to us but we get behind these microphones and we do it every week and believe me there are many a years when we did this we had no clue if anybody was listening.

19:53And so when we hear about something like this we can be like well that's not us or that is me and maybe that's you and you picked up the six pillars of intimacy and you to need to go through this and help somebody else out. I just want to challenge you be intentional not only in your own marriage but in your own community I am blessed and at least and I are blessed we live if we live here in Southwest Florida we have a church that believes in marriage they're doing an amazing program for the next year and we're a part of it. When we get to sit in there as participants as participants we're just there and it's fun to hear other couples and talk to them with no pretense that we're Tony and only so we're just part of the group and we just want to get. We want to learn we want to understand what's going on and if we can come alongside you and share you know you know the book the podcast whatever it is we still want to do it but before we get to that I just implore you. Could you take eight weeks out of your life open up your doors and go come on in all you who need some help in your marriage who want to learn something more because you're quietly quitting doesn't.

21:07No matter if you've been married for three years five years 15 years 20 years 25 years I don't know what they said how what the duration of of this is for couples like when it starts at what you know time frame or is it just a overall like people are just doing it well and you know one podcast I was listening to that because I did get forward at the upper podcast you know they were interviewing these women a lot of them were in their forties you know 40 or 50s and kids. Kids or the kids are growing up and looking at college and you know like what happens and true and that's the thing right a lot of people are like hey maybe this is my you know my my first marriage is my first chapter and you know I look at this and say hold up. What if that first chapter is actually the book and you just need to write start writing the second chapter what if the quiet quitting or what you are starting to go through in terms of disengaging means that there's one more thing that you need to do and that's to actually you know maybe reach out for coaching maybe you find one of our certified coaches who you know resonates with you and you're like okay like we're going to go work on this.

22:21What I love about the hug too and it very much ties into this is you know she said that her husband was hesitant and I get it because when there's been so much disconnect when when you've tried to say what's actually happening in that and I'm going to encourage you to do it again right say what is actually happening your marriage sometimes it can be hard to hear that or or to actually receive it and that's where being in a coaching environment. I've told people so many times over the years a lot of times I just act as a translator I don't say anything that these two people haven't already said but my voice sounds different I can take in what the wife says and I can take in with the husband says and I can translate it so they can both hear it and and I acknowledge I'm not saying anything new but because I don't have the emotional charge a coach can actually step into that place where the two of you can hear one another again and be in that place. I'm going hey this is what's changing in me this is this is the disconnect I've seen you check out and I want to know what that's what that's about and this is it this is what it is your first 20 years your first 25 years call it your first chapter call it your first 10 chapters.

23:32We still have more to go we can still flip the page there can still be a sequel some of the best dystopian novels that I read as I like dystopian novels and stuff that's just my reading little tiny behind that's my that's my fiction reading. The story keeps going it goes it doesn't end after the first book there's five of them and so what if this is just the first book. And yes there is a cliffhanger at the end of the book it's what keeps you reading and in marriage sometimes we think that there are supposed to be no cliffhangers like we're not supposed to go through any of this we're supposed it's just supposed to be smooth sailing we're supposed to just living comfort don't bother me don't. There's still more to come you are breathing you are living step out in faith start the next book learn figure out what it is but don't stop and I say that to myself too.

24:33I appreciate it when you get all face people that are watching this are like wow so that's what Tony's look like behind the scenes all these years when he's gotten all let's keep her rolling yeah so you know again it's it's time to bring it up another time it's time to go. Another time it's time to say what has been the disconnect and taking in that one step deeper is looking at like where's where's the pillar that's got the primary crack right is it and I won't say it's solely emotional intimacy no I think that was great that you brought that up before because you need to look at all six and say you know do we have a huge crack in our our physical intimacy like if we just emotional would be first emotional with what yeah physical physical you know what's what's going on with our touch right why aren't we. Touching one another what's going on with our financial intimacy you know have we gone through a really rough season are there things that are happening that we're not talking about like what's that looking like what's happening with our spiritual intimacy I was just you know with the certified coaches yesterday we were talking about this and just talking about like all of the different challenges that can create disconnect in your spiritual intimacy and how does a couple navigate that have you stopped having fun together can I say something about spiritual.

25:44I say something about spiritual intimacy though real quick. It's something that you and I've been pressing into a lot and I would share with each and every one of you if this is a crack you have together make it a point sometime during your week to pray for one another and not just over lunch or dinner or breakfast or something of that nature take a moment to pray for one another together it doesn't need to be long doesn't need to be overt just take a moment bow your heads and just be in reverent. Have reverence for our Lord and Savior and just give thanks and be there and just sit there for a little bit and then if if needed because sometimes I can be a little tough to get started what I'm finding to be really beneficial for myself is leaving audio messages and just be a text audio text and it's just a real simple way to be driving going about a walk doing something and just pick up.

26:44Taking up the phone and just stepping in and going hey Heavenly Father Lord I just thank you for this glorious day you've given me for my beautiful wife Lord I know we're going through things and yet I know you're here with us I know you're guiding us I know you're protecting us I know your piece will be upon us Lord bless us bless our marriage and help us through this because I know that you will be there all along the way with us so I thank you in the my name of Jesus amen boom alright let's move on. Tony does that practice practice practice he has strengthened that muscle and he's got he's got everybody in his world leaving voice memos for one another because he's like don't just send me a text I want to hear your voice and I think that's something that's really important right when you're when you're in this season it's still important to hear one another's voice yeah to stay in this place of hey what are we going to do and how are we going to go after this let's make sure we just hit.

27:44You could have cracks in your racial intimacy and then you could also have cracks in your sexual intimacy so any one of those could be bringing on that silence and so it's identifying which pillar first and foremost and then going okay that's where the silence is overtaking everything else and so we need to address this pillar and begin to have some connection there so we can break the silence. Absolutely and finally it's and I know you're not going to want to hear this if you are the person that is quietly quitting your marriage so I know I'm about to say something that's going to meet with resistance and I'm okay with that because it wouldn't be the first time in the last 16 years that I've said something that hasn't been met with resistance I'm going to challenge you to engage I'm going to challenge you if this is you're like oh this concept deeply resonates with me I think this is where I am I'm going to challenge you to say

28:45I need to give it one more try I need to see what happens when I engage and I would even go so far as to tell you what I tell some of my coaching clients a lot of them is that it's probably been a long time since the two of you have engaged at the same time right so one person is like I'm going to you know let's go on days let's have conversations let's do the same I was like and then that flips and this person like well I'm done trying the other person's like well I want to go on a date with you and I want to have a conversation with you and I want to do this and it's like, okay, well, that's not met either. And so I've pushed back so many times over the years to say, what happens? Do you actually know what it would look like if the two of you at the same time right now said, we're going to try. We're going to try and see what's possible when we both engage in this marriage. And I will tell you, we have had people come up to us at conferences and share what has happened when they both got into the game. I remember, you know,

29:47Tony has met so many coaching clients because I'm talking to somebody else and they come up to him and they're like, we both got engaged. And this couple that has been woven throughout this entire episode with the hug, they both engaged to the point where they're now engaging other couples. Right. But you look at this and you say, hold up. What happens if we commit to 10, 15, 20 minutes of engagement and we are focused on our marriage. Maybe it's a conversation. Maybe it's a walk, you know, with like conversation cards. So we don't even have to think about what to ask or maybe it's a walk and talk or maybe we just say, you know what, what happened if we hold hands this week and just be awkward and uncomfortable. I know that's where all your resistance is. But you get into this place of saying, hold up. We're both still in this house. If you have children, they are watching. I promise you because we've heard from the kids as well. But what happens if we both get in the game? And if you need help because you're going, we need to get in the game. I would highly suggest

30:52you go to oneextraordinarymarys.com slash coaching, apply. There's no obligation. But this could be the step that helps you to go enoughs enough. Enough of us not addressing any one of these six pillars. Let's have these conversations. Let's get it out on the table because the next book needs to start to be written. And if we just sit in the silence, that book doesn't get written. Can I have to say something about the book analogy? The next book is not a different story. It's a continuation. Because I know some of you are like, oh, well, Tony and Lisa just gave me permission to write a different book. No, we didn't. That's why I told you about my dystopian novel. That's why I like them because there's a cliffhanger. It's still the same characters. They're going into a different challenge now. In the next book, it's the sequel, right? There's other things that are going to happen that they're going to have to go through. This is your time to go through it. Together.

31:56It's a new book because sometimes we can get stuck on, we're in the same book and we're on the same chapter and we haven't moved off of that. We can have a cliffhanger and get into the new book and start writing it. And so if that's you, go to oneextraordinarymarriage.com slash coaching this week. Take time. Think about your six pillars of intimacy. Which one have you been silent around and begin to address it? Even yourself. It may be a what can I do right now? Why am I not talking about it anymore? What is the resistance I have around this pillar of intimacy? Where is it that I need to come up with a question or question to ask my spouse so we can re-engage in this pillar? And then as Alisa said, we both gave you some ways that you could start to engage in some of those pillars. So take that. Take time this week and think about it because there is no place for quiet quitting. If we're going to be extraordinary, those two do not

32:56work together. If we want extraordinary marriages, we can't be quietly quitting at the same time. We need to be intentional. We need to take action so that we can create that extraordinary marriage. You guys have yourselves a fantastic week. We'll catch you next week. Love you guys. Hey, before your Q3 call, I've got the campaign brief ready. Built from last quarter's data and the competitive landscape. Great. Did you include the differentiation angle this CMO asked for? Already in there. Three angles, no competitors using right now. Just need your approval. Approved. Thanks. Oh, agents. Where would we be without you? Somewhere with a lot more tabs open.