Joel McHale Returns

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1:00Visit LL Bean.com to shop the fall collection. LL Bean, be an outsider. My name is Joel McCale, and I feel blank about being Conan O'Brien's friend. You know, when I look into your eyes, I get blank. I see shoes, walking leaves, climb the fence, books and pens. I can tell that we are going to be friends. I can tell that we are going to be friends. Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien. Needs a friend. People are giggling here at the studio. I don't know why. Multiple reasons. I'll just, yeah, I'll just go with it. And I am, I'm here with my buds. Yep. My buds. My contractual buds, Sonomossession, Matt Gourley. And I don't even know what, want to know why you're giggling, you know?

2:00That's, that's your business. Sometimes we just giggle, it's okay. Okay. We talk beforehand. I want to ask you a question. Yes. I saw your band perform a couple weeks ago. Which one did you come to? I went to the lodge room in Highland Park to watch the Vagotas. You guys crushed it. It was so much fun. It's a lot of fun to do. And you look like you're having a really good time. Yeah, I love it. It's really fun. It's a pretty simple story. I was feeling like I was getting stagnant on guitar. And then in this studio, I don't know how long ago, maybe two, three years ago, we had Norah Jones on the show. Oh, yeah. And afterwards, she always knew that I played guitar and it was kind of a hobby of mine. She said, how's that going? And I said, you know what? I just feel like I'm, I need to work with someone because I'm, I'm just playing the same things over and over again. I'm not learning anything new. I'm not challenging myself. And she said, I know a great guy. Give this guy a call. And she gave me this name. Jason Roberts. And so I called him up and shout out to Jason. And Jason Roberts.

3:03So I call this guy up. He comes over to my house. He's fantastic. And he's an amazing player. And so we just started hanging out like once a week and he, or once every two weeks whenever I had time. And he would show me things and we would play together. And I just had a blast. And then one day, not that long ago, like six months ago, I said, Hey, if we were to start a band, would you know the guys? He said, Oh, I know the guys and cut to immediately. I'm in a garage in Noho and playing with an amazing keyboard player named Ben. And Jason's on guitar. Josh is on drums. And Eric is a killer bass player. And I do vocals and rhythm guitar and occasional goofy solos. And it's just fun. It's really fun. So we started playing these really tiny venues. We played a really kooky venue in Ohai, which was fun.

4:05And it was this older crowd. And so I started to tell them. Oh, yeah. In Ohai. Was this older crowd that they politely applauded when we came out? It was a pretty small room. And so I started telling them that listen, I know that your minister doesn't allow you to dance. And they all started laughing. And then I went on this whole thing about, I don't care what the minister says, screw that. You have a right to dance. It's not a sin. And so they all started getting up. These older people and they were all dancing. It was kind of a happening. So we've been playing these shows. We just did the Moroccan, which is down near the train station in downtown LA. And that was fun. What do you do covers? I assume we do. What are some songs you guys do? There's one song I wrote myself called Bad Podcast Partners. Oh, okay. Self reflexive. How does it go? How does it go? Yeah. You know, finding something that rhymes with Gourley was hard. Well, it's right there. Gourley. But yeah. I mean, Paul. And then Mopsession.

5:05Forget it. No, no, no. We do, we play a wide variety of, I mean, I love rockabilly. So there's some old rockabilly tunes. But there's also Elvis Costello, Harry Nelson. What Harry Nelson signed it in? Well, we've been playing around with Jump Into the Fire. Yeah. I just like it to be sort of an eclectic mix. We do a song by the band. We do. We sort of jump around. But what I like is I like fast, energetic things where I can channel my hyperactivity. But the musicians are so good that I just get to enjoy being on stage with them. It's really fun. So it's, it's so cool. Yeah. And I've been, well, what was your impression seeing it? You can be honest. Oh my god, I had so much fun watching you. And it's really, you really enjoy it. You've always enjoyed it. You played the guitar when we would rehearse. Yeah. And, you know, I would do that more than I would do the comedy. Everybody would just kind of wait until you were done. And then we would rehearse. People were so annoyed. It was, no, I mean, it's your show. You can know it whenever you want.

6:06But I think that it's really cool. It's a great creative outlet. I know you have a band too. TAC has a band. I think everyone should have a band. It's like, if you know how to play music, why not get together with other people who play music and then just play music together? Yeah. Well, my thing is we're called the Vagotas after Abe Vagota, a terrific actor from the Godfather and Fish and Barney Miller. But he was a part of my show for many, many years. And I always thought, if I ever have a band, I'm going to call it the Vagotas. And we got permission from Abe's family. And so now we got merch. Oh, that's nice. And I swear to God, 99% of the reason to have a band is to have the merch. With Abe Vagota's face up. Yeah, it's really fun. It's really fun. So you get to choose like the songs. Do they, I mean, they're younger, these musicians. Yes. Do they know? Do they know these songs? You know who you are? They don't know who I am. OK. No idea. OK. They're always shocked that people seem to come to the shows

7:06and know me. They're like, oh, you must have played this club before. No, they do know a bunch of the songs. But I'm also surprised sometimes I'll bring up a song that I think everybody knows. And they don't, because I'm an older fella. But, and then they go... They're really young. Yeah. That's not just that it doesn't really do the older. It's just that like me, you guys reference things all the time that I don't know what you're talking about. Yeah, like the Civil War. OK. Abraham Lincoln. Abraham Fogoto. That would be his full first name. Oh, yeah. Oh my God. My mind is blown right now. Mary Todd Vagoda. Yeah. One grab we bought this time. Abraham Fogoto just really blew me away. That was the most stunned I've ever seen you. Abraham Fogoto. Wait a minute. Abraham Fogoto. You laugh at like you just split the atom. You don't expect the full names to come into your...

8:08You certainly don't. It's a good point. Matthew Gourley. Telling. Telling. Oh. So anyway, that's my hobby. I'm really happy you're doing that. But I would say the... I can't say enough about these youngsters that are playing with me. They're just... They are the franchise. They're really fun. Right. And they're so good at what they do. And they're lovely, funny guys. So I love them. Do you say things and you're like, what? I'm not saying that. I know. I'm really harping on the fact that they're really... They're really young. That's why I'm like very impressed that they're like doing all this stuff with you. Because these are songs I've never heard of before. A lot of them. Yeah. Well, what would be the song you would want to... You'd want us to do Queen. Well, yeah. But I mean, yeah. I'd want you to do Queen, but also... We do, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. We do, I don't know. I don't know. You do? No. Yeah. I do the Jay-Z rap. It's the way to get people out of the club if there's a... That's what we do if there's a fire or any kind of health emergency. I start playing. I start singing Rihanna's umbrella and wrapping the Jay-Z parts and the place clears out.

9:11You should do Pipple. What's that? You should do Pipple. Oh my God. Oh my God. Yes, men in black theme songs. This is so cool though. I'm really happy you're doing this. I think it's really cool. Well, we'll be coming soon to a venue near you. All right. Let's get into this. Okay. My guest today is an actor and a comedian. Comedian. Sure. He's a friend, so I can get away with that. Who starred on the NBC series Community, one of the greatest shows of all time. Now you can see him in season five of the Fox series Animal Control. He is a good pal. I've known him for a long time. He is a quality fellow. We hang a lot. And I'm thrilled he's here today. Joe McHale. Welcome. These are compulsive sips of ice coffee you're taking. Have you seen this? Yeah. You are drinking them in a very excessive compulsive way. As if it wouldn't get you enough. Oh, yeah. That's great. Yeah, it's a problem. You also. I don't know if you want to get a coffee right here.

10:14That's a jack you like. Yeah. I didn't know the fleet was in town. Thank you, sir. You wanted it. So sorry. My mom's going to love it. It's a terrible episode. I'm going to say a front. How can you say it right now? I can declare a doctor can declare a patient dead the minute it's brought in. There's no heartbeat and no sign of life. Joel, let me talk to you about something. Yes. You and I are friends in real life. I hate to admit it, but it's true. We've hung out a lot. I enjoy your company. I enjoy yours. And then today we're supposed to start recording this at noon. Yeah. And you sail in at like 25 past noon. Al Pacino doesn't do that. Barack Obama doesn't do that. We have heavy hitters come on the show. You cruising late. I have a pretty good excuse. I'll just hear it. I forgot your gift. Is that true? Yeah, and I went back and got it. You brought me a gift. I did. I see this thing. I want to see this. Yeah.

11:14I literally turn around. I was like, fuck. We've talked about this gentleman on the past. For years, Joel McHale has been giving me mostly weapons. Yeah. As mostly. It got to a point where they were all over the house. And I think my son once was walking around with, um, I hope it was a bowie knife. It was a, it was like a cimitar. Mm-hmm. And, uh, I got it out of his hands. And then I took all of the weapons you've given me and put them up on a really high shelf. We've talked about that. If I'm ever attacked in my home, uh, I will retreat to my closet, reach up on a high shelf. And in my stumbling and panic, all of them will come falling down and I'll be killed. And then it'll turn out the intruder was just someone who was here to fix the AC. That's three in the morning. That's three in the morning, which is when I like my ice AC fix. Let's open this up. Sarah, uh, raft it. What's that? My wife, Robbed it. Sarah. She did a beautiful job. Thank you. I love Sarah, by the way. Yes. I'm very lucky. 30 years, guys. 30 years. This is this is another weapon.

12:15Wait, what? Sword cane. Yes. I've always wanted a sword cane. This is like, this is a good one. This is a good one. Oh my god. Wow. This is a real. This is real. Where do you get these things? Because you know what? Some of the things that you've given me, I've later been told are illegal. Yeah. Is this illegal? I think it's illegal. What? Hey, Arizona. Arizona, Georgia, you can get them. There's a number of irresponsible. Do you have a pushing tip, Dumbrella? I don't have a pointed tip, Dumbrella. Or like a knife, Dumbrella. Oh my god. Look at this. This is, we're talking about this. This is, first of all, um, what is this mate? It's, it's, it's well made. It's really well made. Cold steel does not mess around. That's the name of the company. Oh, you're getting a free, free stuff. This is not free. I paid for this. Is that like carbon fiber or something? It's like carbon fiber on the outside. Look at this. I love that this is it a QVC or cold field for, for, for just weapons. You and I should do a show. I would do that. Where it's just weapons and all the prices are on the side and people.

13:16Oh, you know what I mean? And it's all done. We could start our own brand and I'm not just pull, pull on it. Just pull. Yeah. Feel that. Yeah, that's gonna. Yeah, that's. It's just a, it's just, uh, yeah, you just stick that straight into somebody. It's gonna go right through. This is in. I should say a penal code 20510 under California law. It is a crime to possess manufacturer imports sell or give in California a cane. This is also check off sword cane. We're one of us has to die by the end of this episode. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's true. Check off all we said in drama. If a gun is introduced, eventually it has to be fired. Yeah. Oh, and the third party. No, I meant, I meant check off from Star Trek. Oh, that's okay. And gun meant phaser. Okay. Yeah, we're all good here now. Sorry, nothing. This is in and also let's you can stroll around. Well, I'm a tall gentleman. Yeah, this is great. This is maybe a kiss. Yeah, you look like Paul Feig.

14:18What's that? You look like Paul Feig wherever he goes. This is terrific. We're seeing what will become the undoing. And then, you know, oh my god. And then you want to just incredible. I want. I love this. And you could just be one of you could be talking. And then all of a sudden you get that weird look. And the point just comes out of your chest. You pull it back. You know what? You are such a great. I love the gifts that you give me. You know, every morning he gave me a very dangerous switch blade where the blade comes straight out of the handles. A great, yeah. A lot of mad leather. And the logo is like an eagle's talent. That's a micro tech. And you told me when you gave it to me, this is very legal. Very legal. It's got this bright orange handle. I keep it in my drawer in my bathroom. And in the morning when you have to open up like anything like an aspirin or anything that has that little plastic, I reach, you know, that's covering the lid.

15:19I reach in and I go, and then just do the simplest thing that you could do with a pair of scissors or anything. It's bad ass. It's so bad. And then it retracts. It's got it's a double spring. Yes. Yes. You can get those in Georgia as well. So Georgia is a place where you can just get with anything. You also, well, I don't know. How do you get them from Georgia? You can't fly with them, right? You can have, they've been, you have to kind of chase, they used to be able to get them on Amazon for a while. Did you buy this in Georgia and then stroll all the way? That's a, back pack school. Through the Southwest. Through the Southwest. You're into California. You know, you are. You're the Johnny Apple seat of death. Roaming across America. I love this. You know, you give such great gifts and you've given me, I was thinking, I was a pro. I was a pro. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And I've, I was worried that I was like, man, I'm just bringing guns now and just get,

16:21just a higher caliber guns each time. In Wisconsin, I think is the most dangerous state. Why is that? Because there's no helmet law, fireworks are your round. Weed is fully legal and obviously alcohol. Unlike Georgia where weed is not legal, but you don't have to wear a helmet. You've really looked into the role. I was like, there's no rules in Wisconsin. You started a militia or something? Well, it would be a pretty irresponsible militia with no helmets. And you could just be like throwing, when you say no helmets, you mean you're riding your motorcycle. You do not need a helmet. You don't need a helmet, but you can cover your head in lit fireworks and weed. But in Georgia, it's a weed is still illegal. So yeah, yeah. Let's talk about you. All right. I know you don't want to do that. But we haven't friends for a long time. I enjoy hanging out so much with you, your wife Sarah, who's spectacular. She is. And Eddie, well, we both did well.

17:24Your kids are great. Eddie Isaac, we always have a fun time. Yeah, we miss the days when Bucket and Ev would come over. We called it back. We used to, our kids called them Bucket. Yeah. And it turns out he's a super genius, but yeah, we said very smart. Great man. But yeah, it's a, we should have named him Bucket. I was shocked to learn. I don't want to talk to you about this. Sarah, your wife, who's one of the coolest people I've ever met, she takes her own vacations and you don't go on them. No. So there are vacations from Joel McKay. Yes. Because you could tell from the moment I walked in here, you all thought this is a lot already. I need a vacation. Yeah. Yeah. This is, this is requiring a lot of attention and it's, it's not giving necessarily. It's taking all the time. I think, so where does she go? Iceland. Like the, your wife coast to Iceland to get away from you. Yeah. She wants, that's not, I would understand. Like, oh, she likes to go down to the Caribbean and just chill for a little bit. Great.

18:25She goes to Iceland to escape you. She did that one time. She went to Egypt. Uh, yep. And how long has she gone for? I don't know. It seems like a long time. Yeah. Sometimes she'll be back and make, weren't you? And she'll be, yeah, I'm just stopping back and being interested. And then you're looking at the Instagram and you're like, who's that guy? Yeah. We got two other families. She has this friend who, uh, wait a minute. And so she organizes these trips where they all, she's a yoga teacher and she's like, I just want to go to Argentina and she'll set up the whole trip on the, and then this kind of group goes and they have this grand old time and they go to her. They don't do too much yoga, but they do. They, she kind of sets up these tours and she has a grand old time. I have the same situation with Liza where she'll go someplace and then I'm aware that she's having a really good time. Yes. And then she comes back and she just feels like, you know, she's, she's finally, she's

19:29finally have true happiness. Yes. I come in the door and go, you're back, baby. And I just see the light go out of her eyes. It, uh, we, what she wouldn't, yeah, she'll face time from a boat and be so happy. Yeah. And her friends will be there. Yeah, it'll be it. Yeah. The first night when she was gone to Egypt, I, uh, our one of our dogs got skunked in the face and walked in and then I forgot to give our other dog epilepsy medicine. So she had been gone for two hours and the, uh, want the house smelled like, uh, all the wires were burning. And then I was at the dog was in the corner. I just convulsing and flipping out. But all night and I was like, this day one day one. Yeah. Well, she needs that, uh, she needs that vacation. Yeah. Very desperately. How often are you gone? Uh, I'm going to do these travel shows. Yeah. I'm gone for, well, Liza has started coming on a few of them, but she's very smart. So, oh, I'm going to Madrid and I'm going to hang out with Javier Bardem for a show.

20:32Liza wants to come, you know, oh, I'm, I'm going to, uh, Amsterdam. Uh, Liza's coming along. But when I go, you know, to Conan in the jungles of Guam, she's like nowhere to be found. Uh, yeah. But now, um, where are you going for like two weeks? Like if we knew it, it depends on the trip, but it can be 10, 11 days. Um, and how has the stomach been fine? Actually, I have to tell you, fine, nothing, nothing. Never got crazy. Well, I'm not a suit. I'm not Anthony Bourdain. So I'm not roaming around the streets, uh, shoving a lot of street food into my mouth. Okay. I'm just really lucky. And also, you know, I, yeah, it's, it's been, uh, I've been, I've been very fortunate. So if you got invited to the, like, Yucatan Oyster Fest, would you go? I would go. I would not eat the oysters. Well, that's kind of defeats the purpose of the Oyster Fest. No, I just don't like oysters. But I would enthusiastically go.

21:33I would talk to everyone about how happy I was to be at the Yucatan Oyster Fest. Okay. And then when someone offered me one, I'd say, why would I want to eat flam from the bottom of the sea? And they're like, you're insulting the Yucatan Oyster Fest. And I say, no, I'm insulting all oysters. Oh, I just, are you an oyster guy? I'm not an oyster guy. Uh, I'm afraid. Uh, I love them. I love eating them. But it is one of my, I don't like to think I have a lot of neuroses. Except you have a ton of neuroses. Okay. You realize when you sip. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Very. Let's be very honest about what your issues are. Uh, I've noticed that Joel is an amazing grill master and cook. He makes, I go over to his house and he grills up these incredible meats and it's perfection. And he's a real artist about picking the right ingredients. You are. But I can tell that when you're doing it, you're in some kind of a zone, a tunnel, a tunnel

22:38meat tunnel. Huh. Okay. What? I saw a movie called Meat Tunnel. Who was in it? Well, they changed, they were using different names. Okay. Let's just put it that way. All right. And leave it at that. Yeah, I get very, I get very mad about it. Not mad. I get very like worked up about whether I get the steak right. Yeah. Which is not healthy, probably, but yeah. But you're, you know, you're great at it. I don't know my cholesterol this, but I think you've had too hard attacks since you've been on this podcast today. Which accounts for some of your meandering's. Huh. That good time for another sip. It's been, it's been four seconds. I remember in the COVID show, you were like,ulsive gulp. On the COVID show, you said you were not taking me down this cold as second, 90 miles an hour right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We had a good, we had a good little chat. Now it was good. But oysters I did get poisoned once when I was a kid and I've still been afraid. So I'm like, oh, if I eat this oyster, what do I have going tomorrow? And do I, is this going to be a whole thing? And, but so yeah, so then I just, I've just always been a phobic about oysters.

23:42Can't do it. I like most shellfish. Are you an oyster guy? I like oysters, yeah. Okay. You did. I've never had one. You've never had one? Never. Never. We should millenoy. They're, you know, they're true. Southern Illinois. You know, oysters? Yeah. Yeah. So those are, I do. Should we, should we have some? Yeah. I'm out on oysters. Yeah, you're out on oysters. See, I knew it. Would you, would you like to have some now? If we could get some in by the end of this episode, would you guys know? No, I would not try and oyster. You would not. I do, I started this by saying I really don't like oysters and I don't want to have an oyster. Hear me out there. We could get them in right now. Hear me out though. There are oysters that would travel in the LA heat from the right side to here. I feel like there's a lot of high-end oysters. These oysters came right from Phoenix. We can ice the oysters. Yeah. I would do it. I love them. All right. Little lemon. Sigmund. Yeah. Then we'd all get a little orandy.

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27:51You. Yes. Love game shows. I do. I do. I do. And this is a word. Love game shows. I do. And this is a, where we, this is a point of separation for us. Why? Because I've never, I think I don't like games. And so I, whenever, you know, if I was on a game show, I'd just be trying to remember the rules. You know, when, when someone does a card trick and they're like, okay, which card is it? Now, remember that card, but here's another card. I just get so tense that I don't enjoy myself at all. And then I forget which card was mine. I say the wrong one. The magician gets angry. Do you play any puzzles on your phone? I do a lot of crosswords and things like that. Yeah, but I, I'm not someone who would enjoy being a game show host. I think I'd screw it up. But you really like it. Is there a number though where you're like? I'll do it. Yes. Okay. Right.

28:52So let's just meet that number. And it's very low. Okay. But I made some terrible investments. So I host the 1% club on Fox next day on Hulu. Who are you looking at? Uh, sorry. Whichever. For a minute it was me and I got really a couple of times. Yes. But I, and what are the rules of the 1% if I was, let's say I was on the show as a contestant, what would I, what would my task be? You just answer these puzzles. They show you the puzzle. You have 30 seconds to answer them, right? But you do the, there's like the 90% question, which is we asked 100 people, 90 of them got it right. Right. Here's that question. I would get the 1% questions and I would get wrong the 90% questions. That happens to me all the time. So I'm terrible at the game, but I love mocking people for getting questions. Here's my question. Here's my question because Game Show host when I was growing up anyway, we're always kind of avancular and kind and sweet. You are a dick. You're dick. Um, I just were trying to give a better word than, but then no, dick is it?

29:55Yeah. It's okay for you to be a dick on the 1% club next day on Hulu, which I thank you. Uh, yeah, that was part of it. I was like, I have to be able to, you know, ridicule these people as, as they get these questions wrong. So, or even though you wouldn't be able to get them, yeah, and I tell them that all the time, right? And I also say, I'm not, I'm bad at reading. I'm fully dyslexic. And, uh, so I, when I read the questions and they can be pretty complicated, I'm like, I just read the question, don't listen to me because I'm going to screw it up so you guys read it. So I'm, they're amazing. If you're a terrible host, I'm not bad at it. And you know what the prize is? It's a bag of oysters, which is, which is unique toisters fresh from the desert. We got these from Oklahoma. So yeah, so I, but I love, but you love them. You know, Andy Richter loves Game Show, too. He's always, he, he loves it. See, host them. He has in the past.

30:55Yeah, yeah. And he, you know, he's a very funny host, but he enjoys that world. And I think I'm a phobic about it. I'm phobic about games like that. Really? Yeah, I kind of am. Yeah. They would pay you a lot of money. Listen, money's never been my thing. No. If you excuse me, I would say taste. I never been your fan. I say you spent a lot of money, but I'm kidding. But my jacket tastes that goes fabulous. I'm going to the roof. Is that Tom Ford? We're not talking about kids. I'm a man of the people who walks around with a sword king. Please, I'm just a regular average Joe. Just ram. I'm getting killed by this later today. Yeah. I'm going to hurt myself. Yeah, when you put it in your car, just be careful. Come on. Yeah, or it won't be the problem. I'll go into an in and out with it. Forget someone else's sword. What are these guys doing here? What's that? These guys? That is. Well, Matt jumps in every now and then and just sticks the shiv in between my fifth and

31:57sixth rib. And he gets like how you're sitting. You got one. It's good. It's nice. I can't fool. The pillow side went nowhere. Eduardo built this place and I don't mean just with his hands. He is a genius audio engineer. Blay is here to occasionally shout into the microphone, right? But also to keep us on track. I'm a good laffer. You are. Yeah, there you go. And David, what do you do? I don't know. Yeah. Oh, Sonna couldn't be here. David fills in. Yeah. Okay. And so I think we're happy crew. I think it's good. And you know, Matt from Nirvana, the man in the show. Yeah, Matt and Jay from Nirvana, the man in the show. And you brought that up because it came up earlier. He just mentioned he liked Tony when he was in the green room and I said, I was your brick. I was just in trouble. I was just in trouble. I was just in trouble. I was just in trouble. I was just in trouble. I was just in trouble. I was just in trouble. Because little a size and you're like, no, no, no, no, that's a joke off of something we did in the green room before we started recording when you weren't there.

32:57Conan because you were going over notes to prepare for the great Joel McHale sit down. Notes that say things like oysters. Wait, you have a wife. Does it like fraternity? You were briefly in a fraternity in college. And then you left because they asked you to leave. No. It was very dirty. What do you mean? Not clean. Yeah. It wasn't. There's some, I have a lot of my friends have enjoyed fraternities and sororities. I was not in a fraternity. We didn't have fraternities in college. But so this was a fraternity you joined thinking, all this would be fun. We'll put on togas. We'll throw kegs out the window and we'll change the musicians with the guys and we'll be great. Yeah. And they, it wasn't. Yeah, it wasn't for me. They were actually, it was, it was okay. I moved home and then lived at home for the rest of college, which was a whole different type of fraternity. That's a whole other thing. You didn't just leave the fraternity.

33:58I left. You went home. I went home. Were you close? That's a quick question. Were you kicked out of school? No. I should have been. Yeah. So why'd you move home? Because I was like, ah, I've figured out a place to stay later. Ironically, I'm friends with a number of the people in the fraternity still. Sure. Yeah. But they now live at your home. Rode. My friend Rode. Of course. Anybody in a fraternity is named Rode. Yeah. It wasn't a pleasant time. But then I was like, ah, we were all making our way. Tryin' hard. You played football in college. I did. Which they were, that was great. They were, that was a good group because they had a really good goal, which was win football games. And the fraternity at that time, I hear everything has changed since then. At the fraternity of that time, you know, the goals were much different. Maybe they are the same now. I don't know. I'm wandering around. I would hate to be in your mind. It's just such a rats name. And that's you saying that.

34:59That's me. I know. That's me. Yeah. But, yeah. So I see now why you left college and just a rarity. I wanted to deliver this to Rode because they, they were clean. Yeah. And full of girls. Okay. Yeah. You board. Just board the tears. No, I just am trying to figure out if that's a cool thing to say in the modern era. I wanted to live in a sorority because of all damn goils. Oh, are we allowed to do that anymore? I, well, you didn't do that other stuff. You said it. Yeah. And I want to, I want to go with the goils. I want to go. I don't know. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, go, go, go, go. With the sword game. It really, you game this guy a sword game. I love playing football. That was, it was very dangerous, but, but, but, but ultimately very rewarded. You are a very muscular man. Thank you. We've talked about this. And this despite the fact that you don't really do weight training. I've tried to encourage you to do that, but do do weight training. Really? Yes.

36:00I think you do. I think you do. I think you do. Be more muscular if you did that. What? You, uh, it's a downtime. When do you work out? You get up in the morning. First, yeah. Well, it depends on the day. I haven't worked out today because I had to wake up early. So, yeah, clearly, you were 20 minutes late. Oh, to get your gift. Am I the latest out of anybody who's done your podcast? Mm-hmm. No, who was the latest? Keshah. Oh, Keshah, she had to go get you a gift, too. Oh, yeah. You know what? Keshah was super late, but no one mind it. No. Because she came in. She was fantastic. She looked amazing. All of her stories had a beginning, middle, and end. She was kind of wearing pants. There was, yeah. And she had a shirt with your face on it. Yeah. Oh, my God. That was the, that's what I love so much. I was like, you look amazing. And then I did the whole Bing, Bing, Bing, Auga, Auga, and then I was canceled. Wait. Oh. If I had, mm-hmm. I was like, if I had just worn a t-shirt with your face on it, I'd love you. This would be my favorite podcast. Yeah, for episode effort. I have a Craig Killborn shirt, but that's about it. Really?

37:00No. Okay. I gave it to the Smithsonian. Okay. The only one. You're aside are jewels. Each aside you make is just an absolute jewel. Two out of four are kind of enjoying them. Yeah. I love it. I love it. I don't know where they come from. I don't know what they mean. You're a Seattle guy. Yes. As are you an honor or a Seattle guy? I am an honor. I married into Seattle. I was from Seattle. I go there all the time. I love it. Greatest city. We invented everything. Yeah. It's just the sky being three inches above the sidewalk. Okay. Airplanes. Coffee. Perpetual depressions. Online shopping. I do love it. Shall I go on? I love Seattle. I really do. And you got sort of your start and shadow because you did theater games. I didn't know this about you. So I always try and find out something about you that you didn't know before. You did theater games improv at Pikes Place Market. Yeah. Were they throw the fish and catch them? Yeah. I'm there all the time because we sort of always stay in that part of downtown and I wander

38:01around. So I'm there constantly. Tell me. What was it like doing improv while people were throwing raw fish around? Well, the theater is now, you've been to the gum wall. The gum wall at Pikes Place Market is truly a disgusting. It's got to be the most unsanitary. Describe what it is for. Monument in all of the world is my guess. It is just people chew gum and then stick it to the wall. And you think, oh, there are millions have gone through. There's a thing that's like what that's called. Yes. And it smells like a homeless person's crotch. There it is. And I know what a homeless person's crotch smells like. You know what I, there's the theater. That literally that window is the theater window. Where you got your start. And now it's covered in gum. You know what I love to do? I do this all the time. I go to the gum wall. I peel off a piece of gum and I plant it on a crime scene. I've had more innocent people who were just tourists arrested. I swear to you all for sure.

39:01I was not. I'm moving it on now. You're coming with us. It was a wonderful time. So you like doing improv. It was so great because it got me comfortable on stage for hours and hours. And I was able to walk away. And when did that go away? How dare you? How dare you? Can't run you boring. Oh, I don't even need this. I don't need this. I've got my sword cane right here. I think when did it go away? No, it really did like, I just wanted to be on the wall. It really did like, I just wanted to be on stage for hours. That's what I did first. I did improv. And it was when I first got started out here in 1985. I thought it was the 50s. I'm sorry, 1955. I had my hair greased back. It just voted for Eisenhower. I remember just, it gets you up on stage and it gets you thinking and moving. I loved being in front of people. So it was great. It was great. Yeah. And it kept me, it was called unexpected productions.

40:02We did theater sports. It was just hours and hours of so, and I remember thinking, this is what I want to do. I got to do this as much as I can until I have to get a real job. Boy, they're still doing it. There's people in that company that I still, they're still going. Oh, yeah. And I've gone back on stage with them. They're life first. Yeah. And they're so much better now. I mean, I'm like, God dang. It's like getting, it's like playing a sport you haven't played in years. I'm like, I'm sorry. No, not very good at this anymore. So I just, always a good thing to start off with when you're on stage. I suck at this and then it just gets super racist. Um, but you're good at it. Thank you. You know all the different races so well. You have a lot of the step there. Yeah. Thank you. You've gotten much better in race so much. So it's, yeah. Have you got into a theater? Are you, we should go to a show there sometime? I've done to a bunch of different shows. I haven't been to a show there, but I have seen a lot of theater in, uh, in Seattle. And what happens when you walk in?

41:03What does that mean? People go, I'd fuck him. I don't know what, no, I mean, if a ton of Brian walks in, that's what people say audibly. I'd fuck him. It's weird. You're like, we're doing this 12th night. Yeah, exactly. No, no, we mean when I walk it, nothing happens. I sit down and people go, oh, that guy, I just saw him at the market. He was peeling gum off a wall. He frandes people. He planted it. He planted it. That's the last place you saw. I don't remember. Oh, all the time he's to go see theater with our kids, you know, kids there. So we would go to see, uh, Christmas, yeah, that kind of thing. Christmas story. Yeah. Christmas story. Whatever it is. You just watch a movie. The John Hugh, the thing I used to take my kids to see movies. And then I would say, wasn't that a good play? And then, and then I got points for taking my kids to theater. And people would say, what did you see? And they would say endgame. And we saw the play, the adventure's endgame has done by the royal shakes of your company.

42:07Um, that's a great scam. Oh, I love the theater. What did you just see? Obsession. So you come down to LA because I'm trying to figure out your trajectory. Come down to LA and you're, you're getting little acting parts here and there. Yeah, I, uh, I went to acting school at the University of Washington. Mm-hmm. Uh, for sure. UW UW, uh, go dogs. Let it go. All right. Let it go. Uh, and, uh, and I, yeah, I did for three people. It's people listening to this on their serious school and their serious radio are stopping their rental car getting out and shooting into the hood with a gun. Why would they destroy their car? I didn't say it wasn't an overreaction. But yeah, I will say we have the coolest student of all time at the UW. Who went to UW? Who's that? Who was the cooler? You went to Harvard, right? Sure. You're bringing up all the time. And you just did. Coolest graduate of all time, other than you, uh, you had presidents, right?

43:10Yeah. And you guys did you go to college? Harvard. Uh, yeah, everyone here. That's the only people I hire. Yeah, that's why they're all wearing border boards. I was. Bruce Lee. We had Bruce Lee. Oh, yeah, of course. And also, so guess what? Bruce Lee's buried there. Yeah. Is he really? Yeah. I'm afraid he's right. Not on. He's right on Capitol Hill. Right. Yeah. And so is Jimmy Hendrix. Yes. Barry's people are buried in Seattle. This is Sarah's parents. No joke are buried in the same, uh, graveyard as Jimmy Hendrix heard. Cause Sarah's father died a long time ago and was buried there. So, uh, there, there's a fun story. Sarah's a lot of sketch. This is since we're doing, uh, you know, crazy, uh, side commentary here. I thought of a sketch, uh, not long ago where it's heaven. And someone gets up to heaven and they've just died. And of course, their dream, you know, whenever someone who loves guitar dies, they say, you know what they're doing right now, they're jamming with Jimmy Hendrix

44:11and John Lennon and Elvis. And that guy shows up and Jimmy Hendrix and John Lennon and Elvis are just so sick of this shit. That's all they, they're, and they're like, they, and God is like, come on. It's what they know. I can't fucking do it anymore. These guys can't even play. I mean, guys from Jethro toll are like, we, we'll play with anybody. Yeah, yeah. You guys want to do some rock flute? Sorry. Those girls are still alive. I think they're still too early. They're alive. And I'm in real credible band. I think you picked the wrong band. Um, glass tiger. Remember that band? What, what do you do this? They're still alive. And when I say, why do you do this? Give me when I'm gone. When I say, why do you do this? I mean, why do you come here when I ask? When I ask you, I was invited and much like a vampire. Now you're screwed. You invited me into your home. Never invite the Joel Mattel and here forever. Now, uh, is it weird when you have guests on that are way less famous than you?

45:15No, I love that because then I get to be the, you know, the alpha dog. That's true. Then I get to go like, ah, look at you. You haven't achieved what I have achieved. You know, listen to me. See, uh, no, but did you like, when you interviewed McJagger, were you like, kind of, you're in LA all the time. You could have come to the studio. I did. I actually made a, I was very passive aggressive in the interview. I said, oh, I guess we had to do it here in London. Yeah. Cause you're McJagger. And a lot of people said it ruined the interview because I think I spent most of the interview. Just, I couldn't get over it. So couldn't you have met me halfway? Like just which would be phone, which would be a nobiscotion. He just strolling through Halifax. Um, the beach. Was he nice? He's lovely. Yeah. He was lovely, incredibly smart, whip smart. So what are you saying? You'll get there. You just paint more time. You need more stage times, which you need. Okay. Um, I'm very fascinated with, and maybe we've talked about this before, but it can,

46:19it just fascinates me. Anytime I visit you, you have a new vehicle, but it's not, I'm, let me paint the picture here. It's not like, oh, he's got a Ferrari or a Lamborghini or anything. You have what looks like stuff you got it in auction house. Um, yeah, like something it says US Navy on the side. And it looks like it used to have a machine gun on the back, but doesn't have a machine gun anymore. You get these things. I get them. Is that a little, yeah. Is that an obsessive compulsive thing? Yes. I think it is part of it. It gives you a lot of joy. I don't begrudge you that. And it's cool. It's very cool stuff. It, yeah. But whenever you get in it, you show me these things. You're like, man, you got to get one. And I get really excited. I have a little bit of that thing when I'm with someone, I'm, and, and someone I like, and I do like Joel a lot. I get excited about the thing they're excited about. And then I'll be saying like, yeah, yeah. And then while getting the car with lies on the way home when we're at your house, and I'll be like, yeah, I don't know.

47:19I, I'm going to see if there are any naval trucks around that have a rig in the back for a weapon. She's like, you're not doing any of that. And I go, I know. And I wake up in the morning, I'm like, I don't even want to do that. So Sarah puts up with that. She's very patient. Yeah. And she like, okay, this, for example, I do have a truck from the Air Force that is part that's on my home, because I want people to think that I'm slightly crazy. But also it might be a crime deterrent because yeah, I would, if I was going to case a joint and I saw there was a giant, I mean, huge, it is a huge machine out front bits like Matt Gray and it says US Navy on the side. And it looks like it has the apparatus to have a machine gun. I don't think I'd go inside that house. I'd go into the other house and I'd be surprised by a gentleman with a simple walking stick. Oh, hello. I'm the feel threat to you.

48:20Yeah, I would say anybody who's listening to this, if you look at that truck and think, oh, he's just doing it as a deterrent and you can just walk right in, I dare you. I fucking dare you. That was because I got some feeder games for you. I will. I will start slowly. Go off track. Someone's arm pits and pretend to swing it you. Yeah. So I know a guy, his name is Brian and I'll be like, oh, that was really cool truck. And then he will send me five links going, hey, I found that truck. You just happened to mention it. I that happens to me sometimes with guitars. I'll say, I'm in. I'm as, you know, Gretchen Roundup. That's a really great guitar. Man, I love those guitar. And then I have people in my life that are enablers. Yes. Drug dealers that say, hey, I just found this link that guitar could be here. It's for $700 million. Okay. No, I say no. You said yes before.

49:21I have a couple of times, but not how many guitars do you have? We don't want to talk about it. Okay. So here's what you have started in my life are these glasses. Jacques Marie-Mine. Yes. Now I just buy these. Yeah. And it's cheap. You know what? They're for. They're for people with big heads and faces. Yeah. And you know who turned the under them? A man named Jeff Goblum. Jeff Goblum, I was doing some project with him somewhere on the one and we were in a voiceover booth together. And I looked at his glasses. Jeff Goblum is the coolest guy. And he always wears the coolest stuff and we're similar build. I looked at his glasses and I said, those glasses are miserable. Oh my boy. Oh my boy. Jacques Marie-Mine. And then he. Truck them off and who's touching my face and then he was touching my chest. There was a long embrace in the hotel room and then he was right. And he told me where to go and how they they're fantastic. Yeah. And I Sarah's and I have bags of them now.

50:23And Sarah's like, what you have a backpack full of these. What are you doing? And I'm like, I just, I just my new I it's avoid. Helps you to avoid by something. The internet would destroy you because it's too easy to buy things. Yeah. Someone like you who sees things and oh, really cool. A grenade. I can have a live grenade from the Korean War and you would click on it. I have one of those. Do you have a grenade? I have a grenade. Do you seriously have a grenade? I have a grenade that doesn't have obviously the charge in it. But I don't, I don't trust you not to have a live grenade in your home. I don't think you really checked. When I pull the pin, I do feel excitement because then you can put it back in. But I've got a bunch of bullwips. I was trying to get you a bullwip for today. I prefer this a bullwip. You actually have to be able to move your arm a little bit. I saw you playing cricket and that thing. You move fast. I do move fast. It's much, it's a cat like it scares me. Stealth athlete is like watching a store run away from like a wildebeest or something.

51:27I'm sorry. I had to turn it back on my, I had to turn it into insult. I'm sorry. You did. That's okay. You learn that in your, the fish market. Well, I got that's how they got us off stage. They just huck a salmon at us. You know, Joe, what did you know? And I've said this to you before. You're the only show I've ever written a letter to. When in 96 or five, I was living in my parents home. Oh, so it was 93. It was any time during college. Yeah, I for 10 years afterwards. I've never written a letter. And you wrote a letter. That's nice. But when it was before the devil and the, the angel and the bear sketch. Oh, yeah. That would be on either side of your career. We did a repeating sketch where I was in a moral quandary. And I'd wonder what to do. And the old thing where an angel would appear on one shoulder and go, return the wallet. Conan, that's the right thing to do. And God will bless you and I'd go, huh? But I wonder if there's another perspective. And then you'd think a devil would show up on the other shoulder, but it was a bear. And the bear didn't know anything.

52:27Well, the bear would always go, don't always mall with your front paws. Yeah. And then you would give me advice to just specific. Okay. Oh, I love going past the old stuff and thinking about it. But it was, those were good times. You wrote me a letter. I wrote you a letter. A fan letter. Yeah. It was so nice. Yeah. Yeah. We were the, like when you came on, we're like people are age. What? Like 30 years younger than you. Mm-hmm. Um, we were, yeah, when you came on, it was true. Anyone my age or older thought, this is a disaster. What is this man doing? And then it was young people. They're like, oh, this is cool. He's doing it all. He's doing all the stuff we want to do. Yeah. That's nice. Yeah. That was, yeah. And I remember just thinking, man, I can just be in entertain. If I can somehow entertain. You will get there. Then I was like, it's going to happen for you. You just need a few more trucks and nine more glasses of liquid. I have to ask because everyone wants to know. No one wants to know. One of my favorite shows of all time, we talk about the salon and, uh,

53:31and my family as well, my kids. The great indoors on CBS. The great indoors on CBS. Your favorite animal control, animal control. And we have this is, that's a very good show. But I mean, the show that they've built religions around community. There's always talk of a movie. I ask you every time you say possibly, maybe it could, is that happening or not? Possibly, maybe it could. Got it. Uh, we have the money. It's getting the schedules together. And I know it's been going on for years now. Uh, I ruined it one time, uh, because I, uh, I think I did, I recorded a commercial for a gambling. But, uh, I fucked up the schedule. You fucked up the gambling. You fucked up the community reunion because. Yeah, I was like a morning. You were shooting a commercial. Yeah. No, it was, uh, for another schedule thing that I couldn't move. And, but, uh, but then I was, yeah. So it's just, it, it will happen.

54:33We have the money. Yeah. I swear. Stop saying we have the money. Use, we help. We sound like you're even have a script. You just have the money. There is a car money. Dan, Dan Harmon, if you're listening, please, let's do it. I've never heard a guy just keep saying we've got the money. Well, it is not the money. But it is like you're a kidnap victim. We got the money together. Just give us a half an LMR. We don't even want the money. But that's one of the hardest things to get, right? Is like the funding. Okay. Yeah. You don't believe me? I don't know. I don't know much about movies. What? But, um, I loved you in, um, clearly. Joel, I'm going to let you go. No, I'm going to tell you something. I thought we were going to talk to somebody. No, we don't talk to someone. There's someone phones in from. No, no, you're thinking of a different show. Oh, we don't solve crimes here. Okay. We, we clearly create crimes. You got a weapon. Animal control. Season five of animal control. Yeah. The 27th. Premier's Sunday, September 27th on Fox.

55:33Yeah. And it's available next day on Hulu. Yeah. And now it's on that place. Do you enjoy the making of the show? It's, I do. I do. You guys really have a good time. It's great. The cast is great. Everyone's cool. And, uh, I like it. The having the animals was, it's a strangely delightful. Isn't it fun to be around animals? Whenever we had animal segments on my show, I was just still deliriously happy that critters were roaming around the halls. It was, we just had a bunch of baby goats and they were so cute. And I was like, okay, just take one of these home and they're like, it'll be 240 pounds in about six months. And I was like, wow, it's just like a lot of my relatives. You're going to eat it before then. Yeah. I would. But it's been, yeah, we just finished. And it was, uh, so yeah, thank you. I can't believe it. Season five. Well, I want to thank you for this incredible. I mean, if you see me strolling around with a cane, don't screw with me because this walking stick is fantastic. I think it's really happy. If I ever come back, I'm going to bring a bunch of knives and then we can, you know, have. No, not only one of us is allowed to leave the room. Oh, yeah.

56:34Oh, great. Yeah. Something tells me, I think you're the one that would live because I think you have a darenger, a woman's like 19th century darenger, a very small one on your ankle. Oh, it's on my garter. Thank you very much. Respect me, please. Come on. Joel, I, I, you're a good friend. You're a good friend. I always like seeing you. I love hanging out with you. We always have a good time. Let's eat. That would be nice. Oysters. Boo. Meat. I love you. Love a stick. And I do love the appraise. I'm an Irish potato. How's your cholesterol? We don't talk about it. All right. But it is so high that if I was, if I was strapped into my car and I stopped short, a cholesterol me would come crashing through my chest. Oh, you could make it. You could just paint it and put it right in, might them two soads. What is it? Local. I mean, it's just what it's me. It's, it's, it's me. It's yeah. It's not, let's not push that image too hard because it won't, who, who do you have coming up next

57:34on the show? We have some really good people. They show up on time. There she is. Everything they say follows a continuous narrative and links together. There's no hemming in hind. There's no shlurping of drinks. But if they don't have a sword cane, I don't want to talk to them. God bless you, Joel McHale. Thank you. And watch, watch, you know, animal control. Animal control. Animal control. And one percent club. Yeah. And crime scene kitchen. Yeah. And house of villains. Yeah. And you're, you're commercials. And my commercial, my commercial jackpot party. Yeah. You're encouraging people to gamble. Yeah. Gambling responsibly. Very good. That's, that's, that is the company's motto. Gambling responsibly. Cash your paychecks. You can help. You can help. For kids who don't have to live in cool. It's cool. Bring your kids. Thank you for having me, guys. Thank you for being here.

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59:37There was a moment in the football season last year. It just blew me away. Remember that play? Incredible. The other one with the ball. Through the ball up in the air. You didn't end that, the catch. And then the run was crazy. That was awesome. I know exactly what you're talking about. I think everyone does. So cool. Because it ended in a triumph. Well, no matter what triumphs or in store this season, legendary game days start with a Miller Lite. They sure do. Miller Lites a true American Pilsner and the original Lite beer. Brude since 1975. I remember the last season. I was sitting around with my bros. My bros heems, I call them the bros squad. The jock squad. Jock squad. You got your Greg Daniels, Rob Lisebnik, Robyn Flander. We're sitting around. We're shirtless. And we were like, this game day is legendary. We all we all said that at the same time. And now and then we all said, jinx, omia Miller Lite. And it's a good thing I had some. Make game day legendary. Go to merrolike.com slash current to find delivery options near you. Or you can pick up some Miller Lite

1:00:37pretty much anywhere they sell beer. Game time is Miller time. Celebrate responsibly. Miller Brewing company Milwaukee Wisconsin 96 calories and two carers per 12 ounces. This is a paid ad by better help. If you could wake up tomorrow and be better at one thing, what would that be? And why David, what do you think you do? I am. I am on my phone so much that I wish that I was better at just like setting it down. Even when I'm watching TV, I feel like I'm scrolling. I need to put my phone away and be better. Basically put it someplace else. Yes. A lot of us aren't trying to become completely different people. We just want to adjust something. We want to make a little part of our lives a little better. And this doesn't have to come from major victories. It can come from small habits you create and how you honor your needs on a daily basis. Okay. So it's just great to start focusing on that. The change doesn't have to be massive. Yeah. I mean, people suggest to me, Conan, you need to change a lot. You do get that a lot.

1:01:37But I do get that all the time. But most people and anyone who's listening right now, we're talking about small changes. Okay. That's what's so great about BetterHelp. Okay. BetterHelp connects you with a qualified therapist online and with thousands of therapists and millions of members from more than 100 countries. It's helped many people make meaningful progress towards feeling better. And you can see for yourself, that's what's cool. Find a therapist who gets you and is in your corner. So sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com slash Conan. That's betterHELP.com slash Conan. How about we do a review, the reviewers? Okay. I love it. Just to remind people, this is where I go to Apple Podcasts. I look at a review for the podcast and we read it, comment, and review on the review. Mm-hmm. Very nice. It's our take on their take. This is titled Conan Movie Roll. It's five stars out of 16. Ha ha ha. Out of five.

1:02:37It's the new scale. Yeah. Hi, all. I love the podcast and listen regularly. I should mention this is from someone called Devanks. Mm-hmm. I love the podcast and I listen regularly. I just wanted to share my response to Blase Question in one of the recent episodes about who you could play in a movie, I believe. I think Conan could play James Garfield in his biopic, but we could change the ending so he doesn't get shot. Do you think you could play James Garfield? Oh, well, first of all, this was just done. There was just a brilliant, I thought, a limited series about the assassination of Garfield that I loved called Death by Lightning. Yeah, Michael Shannon played Garfield. He was amazing and Matthew McFadden played Charles Gato, the the cook who shoots Garfield. What was still he was shot in a train station or something like that? Yeah, yeah. Garfield was hadn't been president long and was doing a really good job. And this is a different time, but he was going to go get on a train. It was, I think, the summer and he was going to go join

1:03:39his wife, family at a beach house. And so he was walking to the train station. Geez. And he walked into a train station and just killed a president. Yeah, this guy, Charles Gato just shot him. He's just going to the president. It used to be so easy. Yeah, it's good that it's not. Okay, I feel like. Yeah, I was wondering if you wanted to add that on. That here's the thing. I don't know anything. I'm not going to jail. I'm not going to jail. About James Garfield, you can play him any way and I'll be like, oh, he's. James Garfield. Right. Yeah. Yeah. You know what? You your gift is that you know nothing about American history. So it's not even that. No, it's a gift. He's like one of the presidents that you all I know is that he was assassinated. That's a shame. But I don't know where he's from. You could have a Southern twang. I have no idea. You could be Ohio. I might think he's from Ohio. Why did Gato shoot him? Was there a reason? Charles Gato was a disappointed office seeker. He had given a speech or two.

1:04:41No one asked him to. He would just get up on a street corner and give a speech. And he felt that he had helped Garfield get elected. And then he was a cook. So he would, this is back when if you wanted a job in government, when a new president was elected, you got to go hang out in the White House and wait to try and get an audience with him. So there are hundreds of people standing around waiting to talk to the president. And he just left a note that said I would like to be the ambassador to, I think he said I would like to be the very much like to be the ambassador to Paris or something. And he had no experience. There was no reason. He was a weirdo. He had gone to a free love camp. Might have been Onida. It's like upstate New York. He went to a free love camp and none of the women, you know, it was everyone in open relationships having sex with each other. But no one would sleep with Charles Gato. And one of them went. He's an insult. He was. The first America's first for his cell. And one of the, the women's at the camp started calling him their nickname for him.

1:05:43His name is Charles Gato was Charles Get Out because they're always telling him to get out of our room. He was very bitter about that. And he finally decides that he's been screwed over and that if he shoots, if he kills Garfield, Chester Arthur will become president. And then Chester Arthur will give him a job. So we're not good reasoning. Do you think that this is accurate or do you think there's a president that you're more suited to play? If you had to play any president, I think I mean, I think I'm very Lincolnian. I really do. I'm the exact same height as Abe Lincoln. And I'm, you know, I'm, you've got that dark complexion. Okay. Let's just watch it. Dark hair. Yeah. Okay. No, no, no. I'm just saying same height, prominent cheekbones. I'm a depressive. I use humor to see my way through. Just the terrible tragedy that is the Civil War. Yeah. So yeah, I think I'm Lincoln. Yeah. I mean, if Daniel DeLewis could do it, you could do it. I've noticed all the presidents you're associated with are the ones that are getting

1:06:47assassin. Or I could be Gerald Ford. Yeah. There we go. Because I can fall down pretty easily. Okay. I know how to do that. Was Gerald Ford the one who was like kind of jockey? He was a jockey. He was really good looking too. He was a young man. Yeah. Okay. So Gerald Ford was jockey. Yeah. I knew that. Yeah. I mean, not that I don't know about history. I know about some stuff. I just, I knew Gerald Ford was a jockey. You could do, you could be a jockey. No. I don't think I could be Gerald Ford. You could be like a guy who used to play sports who doesn't anymore. No. I mean, I, I don't know who I would be. I mean, you kind of look like, um, what's his name? Tyler? What? Tony? It's how the creator. Yeah. I get that all the time. Maybe that's not what I'm thinking. I get that all the time. That's not what I'm thinking about. That's a good case to be made that Geto didn't really assassinate him because Charles Geto shot him, hit him in the low back and then all these doctors without cleaning their hands. I mean, one in particular just kept jamming their hands in there to try and find the bullet

1:07:50and he got sicker and sicker and sicker over months and months and months. And they just finally he died and they realized the bullet when they did the autopsy had a cyst formed around it. if they had just left him alone, he'd have recovered fully, but his body was riddled with infection. He wasn't the one that his wife basically took over and ran the presidency while he was sick. Was that McKinley? No, that would be Wilson. Wilson had a massive stroke. And when he was out pushing his plan to end wars and he was trying to sell it to Congress and he was working really hard and he had a massive stroke. And then his wife would go into the room and confer with the president and come out and say, you know, all food is half off today for women. Oh, nice. Stuff that was not McKinley. Was she good? What's that? Was she good at running the country? I don't know enough about this. Yes, you do. Yeah, I was just gonna say, I think you, all of us in this room, I'm trying to hear you. Can you just be louder? I'm trying, all of us in this room,

1:08:51you could say anything about any president and we would believe you. Yeah. And I do remember one time, I don't remember where we were, but you had said that we were talking about Lincoln and you said that you went to go to the Lincoln Museum and his coat was there that he had been shot in. And I was, oh my God, that's so cool. And you're like, oh, and you talked a little bit about how you got shot. And then you're like, and because I'm famous, they took it out and they showed it to me. I was like, oh my God, that's amazing. And then you said, and then you asked to try it on and they let you try it on. Yeah. And I was like, whoa, oh my God, they let you try. You're like, yeah, fit me perfectly. And I was like, and then you said, and then I did a little dance and I still believed you. Yeah. And then you said, and then I ran out of the room. Yeah. And they changed. And I was like, you did, and you were like, dude, at what point are you gonna say that this is fake? And if you start, I just started believing you. If you start a story and it's always start with the plausible,

1:09:52and you always keep it plausible, like, oh, I went and it's like, and then give real details and then you're like, and then you start to just push it a little bit. And at a certain point, people are followed you so far down into the home line. And that's one of my favorite things to do is wait and see when someone goes, wait, what? Yeah, that you put it on, yeah, I put it on. And then I started doing the Charleston. If they're in that deep, they have to admit to themselves. They have to admit that they have A, that their lives have been wasted for the last 20 minutes. And that they've been talking to a sociopath. And then they have to admit that they believed everything up until I believe that Conan got to put it on because he lives in a bubble and people treat him really nicely. And then when he said he started doing kind of a little bit of a robot dance, they're like, okay, well, Conan sometimes I could see him maybe trying to get a little bit of laugh, but once I'm running out of the building and running through the streets of Washington going, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo.

1:10:52Yeah. I just love, they took it out because you're famous. Like you're just because you're a famous guy, they took a fright. Well, actually, that's what that is the plausible part of the story. It is. I mean, I'm not just saying because me, I'm just saying that people sometimes bend the rules a little bit and say, you know, yeah, no one has laid on this bed since Jefferson died here at Monticello, you know, in 18, whatever, oh seven. Oh, that's fascinating. You know, Conan. I mean, really love the podcast. Yeah, my, man, my dogs are tired. I'm, my feet are on fire. I want you to stretch out. Oh, this is great. Oh, no, I wet the bed. Why don't you wet the bed? I don't know, I got really relaxed. I had so much lemonade outside. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonom of Sessian and Mack Gourley, produced by me, Mack Gourley, executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Leo.

1:11:53A theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivina. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns, additional production support by Mars Melnick, talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Con. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco Hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of serious XM when you sign up at seriousxm.com slash Conan. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien, Needs A Friend, wherever fine podcasts are down below. Show button here. Football is finally back and prize picks is going crazy with the deals to start the season, giving out promos every day in September. On prize picks, you can make all the picks you want,

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