KILL TONY #789 - TIM BUTTERLY +KIRK FOX

0:00Hey, this is RedBam and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Killtony and every episode of Killtony can be found at Desquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHanscliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, TonyHanscliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Desquad Merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Killtony. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

1:05Yeah! Brain right man ladies and all of us! And that is the best statement in all the way of ladies and gentlemen. Fernando Castillo, Rao Balé, Carlos, Sos on the horns. What is this crowd tonight? That's Translatchase over there. That's a great big mic Michael Gonzalez on the drums. The human super dildo, Matt Meeh, Oling ladies and gentlemen on the electric guitar. New nickname every week. John Dees on the keys everybody, the leader of the band. And believe it or not, the backbone, the black bone, the one and the only. D Madness on the bass guitar. Oh my goodness. What a show we have for y'all tonight. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

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3:07That's download the app today and use code Tony to get $150 instantly in lineups if you win your first five dollar lineup. Prize picks run your game. All right, before we get into it, I got to tell you guys about something we just launched kill Tony plus here's the deal you sign up you get every new episode add free and uncensored. We're giving members a brand new angle of the show that's never been seen before this is as close as you can get to sitting in the audience. You also get bonus content Q and A episodes behind the scene stuff extra bits. You're not getting anywhere else and there's perks on the merch store to it's five bucks a month that's less than a cost of a beer or a pack of cigarettes or a lot of fun things links in the description or go straight to kill Tony dot super cast dot com to join. This is a very, very exciting opportunity for all you die hard fans and super haters go to kill Tony super cast dot com. All right back to the show.

4:07You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? You know, I like this crowd it seems like you guys are present here excited to be here and that means your true fans of the show. So you're in very special treat to the best guests in the history of the show. One of them one of the forces of nature from Los Angeles who helped us get this thing started by being a guest once or twice every single year since its inception. And the other guest is one of the newest best guests in the show's history a recent mover from the great Philadelphia New York area to Austin, Texas makes it most for your two guests tonight. It's the great Kirk Fox and Tim butterly everybody. Wow. These are my people. The great Kirk Fox, the great Tim butterway. We are going to have some fun Kirk Fox. You know from jury duty reservation dogs season two of the low down on effects comes out this week with Ethan Hawke, Tommy Lee Jones and Kirk Fox.

5:17He's right in front of you. I'm here Tony. How cool is that? I'm here Tony. This is Kirk's about I would guess probably 15 16 17 18th time doing this show. It's endless. I just never feel like I can get away from it. I love you and a little fun fact he was here doing some shows this weekend and he stayed for this for us. This I did. So I changed my flight. I'm hoping $300 makes it into my pocket somehow. No doubt about it. We have some very generous fans out here. I see them already reaching for their pocket naked in the alley for 50 blocks. We're going to put it together. We have we have a very rare Mexican from Grand Rapids that I see his wheels of turning over there. He's going to figure out a way to pay shows. Ladies and gentlemen, the great Tim Butterley is here ladies and gentlemen 30 minutes with Tim Butterley. The YouTube special is out now. Nice to be back. Thank you very much for having me Tony. It's nice to see you guys. Hello. We love Tim Butterley. He's on tour Tim Butterley.com. The Tim Butterley show. Everything is happening. You guys are two of my favorite guests in the history of the show. So you two happen to know very clearly.

6:29And without a doubt that about 300 human beings signed up tonight to be inside of this bucket. If I pull one of these names out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you have the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Which really interrupts their set and then I conduct an interview absolutely anything can happen. We could find the next great talent out of this bucket tonight. We could find just absolutely fucking insane people that didn't prepare a minute or have anything in the interview. They wanted to look good in the interview. They gave us nothing on anything can happen. That's what makes the show great. It's not overproduced like all the garbage shows that are struggling on every other network on every other channel all the time. We range supreme. That's why I'm going to let this little hillbilly pick the first name out of the bug this random ass white guy. He just has a deer on his head just a regular old deer not John dear not dear John just a deer. There's a regular old fucking man with a hat. And I like that. It's got an old fashioned and a flannel on this guy's as cozy as can be little October in Austin, Texas.

7:36Well, we go wrangle that first name I have one of our elite golden ticket winners right here right now on the other side of that curtain about to come out and excitedly give you a brand new minute of stand up comedy ladies and gentlemen from Atlanta Georgia. Make some noise for the return of Uncle G everybody here he comes. I don't know about you motherfuckers, but I'm celebrating tonight. Damn right tonight marks 27 years since I had my last drinking liquor give it a fuck up. I had a drinking liquor in 27 years I smoked a joint in 27 minutes. No, no, I had a problem. You all had to go to rehab. I did. I knew I had a problem when I went through McDonald's drive through order just a straw. You say you want fries without I said no I'm getting fried with that motherfucker.

8:42You all been in rehab. Yeah, me and you bro. Everybody else in here's a fucking Amy Winehouse. You know Amy died at 27 right. Are you all familiar with that entertainer curse famous singers died 27. Janice Jonathan Jimi Hendrix famous singers died 27 kind of pissed me. I often Justin Babe return 28. And if you think about something to that entertainer curishile might me and Michael Jackson was the same age. He was 54 when he died. He had 27 years as a black man 27 years as a white man. That was my time. Hell yeah Uncle G you're adorable. Uncle G well written joke adorable delivery. It all feels real to me grab that microphone you fucking crackhead. I'm gonna do the it's gummy bears and I crack. No, I love it Uncle G welcome back. Thank you. Why did you bring a stool out? Why did you have a story that I was gonna tell you about my prostate surgery but we didn't get to.

9:51Are we gonna do that now you would like to see it. I mean I had there's nothing I'd rather do than hear about your fucking prostate. I had prostate surgery. I'm lucky to be back. Yeah anyway that's the guy the winter rehab by the way I recognize that dark pop. He needed shut the fuck up so we're good. But what was it now what do we have had to get before to. Proct date have you ever been to a proctologist. When you meet one do not shake his fucking hand alright. So I had to go in there for. Someone's at his finger over the Michael Jackson sound effect for four and a half minutes. I had to go in there for that digital exam y'all. And he put my maybe put my elbows on the can. And I feel and put his right hand on my shoulder. You keep this up you're gonna win another golden ticket I'll tell you. Then I feel it. But then I feel as left hand on my fucking shoulder.

10:54I might fuck me is too late. I got that front camera going that bitch but not charge me. She gave me $300. Oh wow alright. So Uncle G let's talk about it fun set. You got through it a lot of the use of the number 27 is what I noticed. If you bet on the first comedian saying the word 27 five times in the first five minutes of the show. I think you just want a billion dollars. Oh okay yeah yeah yeah yeah I see it's part of my joke wasn't it. That gummy bear is kicking in y'all we're good. Hell yeah. Alright let's check in with the great. What's the G stand for Uncle? Well G spot I don't know. You don't know what you even know what you're in here. Yeah well Jess hilarious gave me that I don't know if y'all know Jess she's a black comedian I ain't no fucking anyway.

11:54The way you describe that prostated sounded like it's real the drive through when you got that straw that you're bending over a counter. It was about it wasn't far from it anyway I'm Greg is my real name. Oh that's me at uncle g comedy dot com. I don't do it by the way that's the answer to the question what is the G stand for. Oh I asked for Uncle G comedy dot com okay. But it's Greg Greg like for whatever. Okay I already remember my side trip. I really just sat on Uncle G what's been going on. You live here in Austin now or are you in Atlanta. I'm here for a few weeks I think I found me an apartment for the winner. I've been busy as fuck man I had retired and I had to change it to repurposed. Okay. Cause y'all got me going everywhere. I'm gonna do your killers of Killtony and Athens. Okay. My hometown reached out to me wider Georgia the mayor call wants me to show for them. I was just fucking tickles shitless and maybe next time take the gummy bear after the saddening.

12:55I apologize. I've been busy it's been a lot of a date and you know I'm getting you're dating. I'm getting Killtony pussy. Oh shit tell us the world wants to know. This is a question that I'm sure I see curiosity on a lot of the faces. Describe what Killtony pussy is like. Well a guy's ass. That's me. My butthole is Killtony pussy. We're not there yeah I was worried about you know first time anyway. I was the proctologist. Tell us about Killtony pussy Uncle G. Killtony pussy is I like women my age okay but they lie a lot. I take this beautiful chick home. She's got the hourglass. She's about my age. Get there in a she pulls off her fucking eyelashes. I don't care. I pull out my fucking my glasses bitch. Oh shit. She takes off her wig.

13:56Oh shit. I don't care bitch. I got here now. He's fucking. Oh shit. I feel like you got someone buried in a basement. She unplugged her bra y'all. Her titties fall to her fucking knees. I don't care. Reach in pull out this big of white pair of socks bitch. Uncle G you are a wild man. She said I got a cute and Jenna. I said I hope so because him titties are shot. Uncle G you are a wild man. How long have you had that sock in your crotch? Since this afternoon you're another chick. But anyway the joke works I'm happy I don't go fuck you. I'm worried the socks. I don't think the guy wants some back. I don't know. You are the man Uncle G. Thanks for getting tonight's show started for us. Thank you y'all y'all. Please hit the bucket we go ladies and gentlemen. That is just an example of what can happen here.

14:59That's a golden ticket winner. That goes Uncle G grabbing his stool. Could have never have sold that prostate joke without the physical health of that stool by the way. Couldn't have simply bent over. We never could have imagined. He charged up the stairs holding. He hit all of us with the stool to move us out of the way to get out here. He's like that 24-7 shot out of a cannon. It's even weirder when he starts pulling your sock off before he goes to the curtain. Alright well from Uncle G. I mean this is just crazy. What are the odds? This man has a G in his name. Mix the noise for G-POW. Everybody G-POW. Oh shit. Who had a set of G's to start the night off tonight huh? God damn. Sex is great for me you know. Because my girlfriend she's 50 and I'm blue collar grimace.

15:59I gotta get personal with you guys. I like a finger in my belly button. So when I'm fucking her dog y'ac and pick my belly button up like pulling a bowling ball out of a bowling bag you know. Throw it on her back like a prison honey bun. 12 seconds and 50 micro pumps later I'm sweating. I'm cramping up. My balls are dragging on her quilt like 40 grit sandpaper buddy. She looks back at me she's like when are you gonna stick it in? Fuck switch your turn get on top bitch. She hops on top of me like a paraplegia getting on a Harley or need start cracking like fucking lobster night at the VFW. Anyone smell butter? Oh yeah so this is a long winded way of saying sex for us is 30 seconds of arguing who's on bottom. That ends with me jerking off to mukbang. Thank you guys so much. Alright, Cheepow. Let's just jump right into it Cheepow. Remind us how long you been on stand-up comedy?

17:01Coming up on two years next month. Okay all of it here in Austin. I started in New Jersey. Okay. All right is that where you're born and raised? Born and raised yeah I made the move to Austin about a year ago now. Hell yeah born and bred. Mostly bred. Cheepow how are you so big? What exactly does one have to do to be able to be shaped like that? The world wants to know. The spenders are holding on. I'm working on it tonight man. Spenders are holding on for dear life. I've never seen suspenders work quite that hard. And by your shape I could see why a belt wouldn't physically work. I like my women in their 50s and just like my belt size you know. Wow. I dig the look. This is what like bad guys in arcade games used to look like. I used to make motherfuckers like this flash red you know. It looks like every moonshine I've ever seen. Yeah.

18:01What is the price of moonshine right now Cheepow? Oh I can't answer that one. Do you have another job? Do you do anything else to supplement your income? Other than Trader Joe's which I... It's crazy this guy's last name is butterly and I'm not on top of him, am I right? Hey Trader. You buried the lead man you should have came out with that one. So Trader Joe's how did that end? Didn't end I'm still working. Oh you are still working there I thought you said it was a temporary thing. I didn't eat everything like people assume I mean. The bills are so narrow though you know. It's called a G size land you know. This is like fire hazard. Just knocking over jars of Trader Geoto's Marinerah. It's knocking in. Press it for Joe. Okay Cheepow where did you meet this 50 year old lady? At a grocery store. Oh my god.

19:02She was beating my ass with the Ninja Turtles. So what was your big line did she come up to you you go up to her? Paper or plastic? Really? She was a cashier yeah. Wow. How was her best customer? You were shopping? I actually got a job there and when we started talking. You know I was in the Frozen Foods department. Oh yeah. Absolutely incredible. So now you're in you still working Frozen Foods? Trader Joe's you work a little bit everywhere you know and I do a good job of being everywhere. Right Cheepow what do you do for fun? Anything else interesting about your life? We might find intriguing. I mean I'm definitely I definitely have to be more of a home body. I have six people living with me right now. So. So there's my girlfriend her adult daughter her three kids. Hmm. And the baby daddy. Oh you gotta be shit in my butt. You gotta be shit in my butt.

20:02I do want to she that though. I would love to see that. Have you ever thought about going to JC Penney and getting family photos or something like that? I think people would pay for those training cards. Explain to us what are they doing? What exactly did where they hit by a hurricane or something? Like how do you how many bedrooms is your place? It's a three bedroom. Whoa. Cheepow. I wouldn't have guessed that off of a trainer. What are their wheels? Does it have wheels? I'm gonna be in wheels like keeping all the sugar. My fucking legs gonna pop off. No those wheels can't take it. What the fuck is that thing over there? That's a mono neon my friend. Sorry I asked. That is a mono neon. I'm sure you. I looked like candy too. Yeah he got excited. He thought it was a giant fruit by the foot. Is that a lemon lime or am I just tripping? I think it's a sugar low or is that the biggest fucking fruit roll up? I've ever seen that.

21:02Tony you got to finish that bass player. She pal but I understand the concept. How exactly does your ladies full grown daughter and her man and her three kids end up in your place? How long has this been going on for? Let's start there. So it's been the year now. Oh my god. Okay so why and how did it start? It's tough times really. You know they were living in Missouri which what the fuck's in Missouri? Yeah. Not you. Right. What is living in Missouri you have to do with it? How did they end up in your place? Monetary simply. So they're working on getting their own place. They're working their relationship. And I'm just the bank. Is the baby daddy working? He is yeah. What's he doing for work? Buffalo Wild Wings. They're keeping them. Yeah. There's no leftovers in the house Kirk. Starting to figure it out.

22:03Not for sure. We are starting to figure it out. Cheapow. What's your favorite order at Buffalo Wild Wings? Tell the truth. Do they have the 20 piece anymore? You don't know. I have an order there in a while it just shows up in my doorstep. Just ends up in my fridge you know. Amazing. Anything else for jeepow? What am I missing here? I can't look at it anymore. You're good enough. His belly button is prominently showing through that. I did poke it for the bit. I would like to know about the energy between you and the baby daddy. That is kind of running the show around this fucking triple wide. You're being really nice. You're being really nice. Let's open it up. So it's been a year. He's a grown adult. You ever tell him? Hey dude. I try to be nice as you can tell. I take the passive aggressive approach. I don't want to stir up things in the house. So I do what any man does and I go out on six reneed chitty food and drink.

23:06So then I go home and he sleeps on the other side of my bathroom wall and I take a huge shit in the morning. Can I ask the ethnicity of the baby daddy? We're all mixed. You're mixed? What do you mix with exactly? My daddy's half black. He's Palestinian too. And white. Oh my god. Palestinians providing homes for people. Can you imagine? You can find a way out of that house. I'm going to need a hospital that's not bombed by now. Oh my god. All right, jeep. Here's a medium sized joke book to go in that belly button. We're going to keep it moving along. And just let those suspenders go. Just let them go. No, don't let them go, jeep out. Don't let them go. Quite the exit for jeep out. Oh, there it is. There's a little pala cleanser. Get uncle G and jeep out off your mind. There's the beautiful hidey. I have a hand for hidey.

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25:06Get 20% off your six months when you go to quote.com slash kill Tony. That's QUO dot com slash kill Tony. All right, back to the bucket week. Oh, make some noise. 60 seconds on the interrupt to go into Billy Sherman. Everybody here comes Billy Sherman. What's up everybody? Everybody got their ass beat as a kid. You see how happy they fucking sound. You got to beat your mother fucking kids. But don't lens you know what I'm saying? You got to beat them. My mom would beat my ass and take me to McDonald's. It was the weirdest form of therapy man. She would beat me and then give me a McFlurry like it was hush money. Like, and that shit worked bro. Like it actually work. One time I saw a kid with two McFlurries and I was like, we got a call CPS. I know you're not wearing that hoodie because you're cold, right? Blink twice bitch. You know what I'm saying?

26:06It's tough though man. I got beat so the Mcass beans were so damn bad. I turned purple like grimace like it was bad. And you know, I got to hire a dominatrix just to process the menu when I go to McDonald's. She beat my ass with leather on a shit. But now honestly though, the McDonald's jingle just gives me like PTSD dude. Because anytime I hear that shit, it's just bada bada bada bada. BAP! Alright, there y'all. Billy Sherman. Hold minute on getting beat. I could see why she would do that to you. Billy, you have a tremendous call of flower ear. Did your mom do that to you? She did. I got her right as a baby. Do you remember what you used to do that she would beat you so badly? Oh dude, I did so many bad Puerto Rican things. Oh. That explain. No, I broke her coffee pot dude. How'd you break it?

27:06I just went like that. Oh and just one of her notes. Okay, your nuts. Billy, how long have you been on stand up? Roughly 11 years now. 11 years? Yeah, yeah. He's just crunk time. What the fuck man? You didn't beat you enough. I'm not here. It's gonna beat the shit out of you. Don't make clurries this time. Alright, Billy, let's talk about this 11 years. Where have you been doing it for 11 years, Billy? I started in Honolulu, Hawaii. And then I kind of been all over the country, really. Okay. What makes you continue to do it? I love comedy. You love it. It makes you feel good. It makes me feel good. I love doing it. And why the fuck stop if you... I'm a CDL truck driver now and I just deliver water. Okay. Alright, what do you do for fun, Billy? You seem like you have some deep dark secrets. I do. I got feet fetish problems.

28:08I'm dating a 50 year old half black woman. Wow, what is up with people banging 50 year olds on this show tonight. I'm trying to get those benefits, man. Uncle, geez, the only one not banging a 50 year old. How's that possible? Where'd you meet a 50 year old at? Facebook dating, yeah. That's the spot, man. Okay, so take us through it, Billy. You're on Facebook dating. You see a 50 year old half black, half black. Half black. And you say to yourself, this one is for me. And then what do you do? What's your line? What do you say? I love you. You started with that? I started with... I started with... I love you. Yeah, I don't know how that... And then first date, where do you go? Where do you take her? We went to a hike. Oh, yeah. And then I got her a kiss me, so it was pretty cool. Wow. The hike, the poor man's five star restaurant. Really? Incredible. Was it just I love you or I love you?

29:08I have a job. Just plain, I love you. You don't have charming. I can tell you why you're my job. 50 year olds are pretty horny ladies now. They are, dude. So that night you guys hooked up after your first date? No, it was probably like a month later. Okay. Yeah, I was like, I like to sizzle. You do? It wasn't her choice? Maybe. I don't give a shit. Pussy's pussy man. I just waited and then got in there, you know? All right. You know what I mean? You think there's anything about being with this older lady that has anything to do with like your relationship with your mom? 10-butterly with a 10 star analysis in question. Talk with Dr. Phil. No, she actually kind of looks like my mom. Oh. Wow. You're asking about that black. She, okay, so my mom's got really dark curly hair. So, I mean, I have a thing for that subconsciously. I think. But, um, she's very, okay, I'm five-five.

30:08This woman I'm with is five-eleven. Wow. Yeah, I do. Yeah, I'm getting an upie, dude. You ever ask her to beat you and buy you a McFlurry? Dude, yeah. That's actually was our second date. All right, Billy. What's a crazy fun fact about you that we'd be surprised to know? I can take a punch. Yeah. I can definitely take a couple of beatings. Um, have. 11 years of comedy. Yeah, I hope it's for Thomas to grow back at the YA theater. I don't know if that's interesting. Um, I'm surprisingly bendable. My legs are very bendable. Okay, show us what you mean by that. It's gonna be gross. This is gonna be really gross. Oh, we love this. We love gross. Whoa. Wow. Oh, my goodness. That is incredible. The show has reached a new low, ladies and gentlemen.

31:08A man. You know what? To your credit, G-POW and Uncle G could not pull that off. We should. We should. We're you in that position when you told her you loved her? Who are feet all those were over? All right, Billy Sherman. There's really not a joke book small enough for me to give you. But I found the smallest one I could. Oh, shit. There it goes, Billy Sherman. All right, thank you. There he goes, Billy Sherman, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. We'll see you next time, Billy. Hey, gum. You have a gum be leg. 11 years. Can you imagine doing this for 11 years and that's your best minute? And not only that, but you're like, I'm gonna show the world. I'm gonna go on the biggest show and I'm gonna do this. Let's see what happens next. Mixed in the noise through your next bucket pool. It's Bobby Ludlow, everybody. Oh, shit.

32:08What's up, Kale Tony? I'm pretty sure that my roommates are stealing my soap. I knew they were stealing my food. So I hid me leftover soup and a shampoo bottle. And now they fucking smell delicious. So I was adopted twice. You can do that. You can just give them back. The second man who adopted me, he was born in Dallas, Texas in 1921. So I was actually, you know, like raised racist. We were also really poor. All of our sheets had holes in them. My dad used to pay my allowance and Confederate money. He said, this ain't worth much now, but hold on to it. I quit drinking nine years ago. And I quit being racist seven years ago. It was actually harder for me to quit being racist than it was to quit drinking. I'll give you an example. If I wake up in the middle of the night and stub my toe, I've never wanted to scream beer with a hard R.

33:11I live with a brown or clues. It's not a spider. It's just a Mexican who never leaves the house. Thank you guys. Oh, shit. Bobby Ludlow. Let me guess. You've been doing this 11 years or something? No, sir. How long have you been doing this for? Okay. All right, Bobby, we're at all of it here in Texas. No, all over the place. I started in LA on the show a long time ago. You were on this show in LA. Yep. Okay. And you were on once here, right? I was a few months back. A real key guy. And I went to Chicago and tried to do the improv and the comedy stuff out there for a while. How'd that go? It went pretty good. Yeah, Chicago's fun. Fun city. What's been going on lately with you, Bobby? What do you do for with a haircut like that? Yeah. I mean, if I spend as much time in my jokes as I do in my hair. I had a Uber driver come into my home the other day. What? Yeah, I'm sorry, Bobby, but you're so disinteresting that I'm literally just doing a normal podcast for

34:13a second in an unbelievable turn of events. Ordered Uber eats the other day. Here my door open, my front door, right? A little alarm that goes through my place goes, D-D-D-D-D-D. And I go, I wait a couple seconds. And there's a little lady, little Mexican lady, she goes, hello, I got your delivery. And she literally appears. I mean, she had to walk like, it's not bragging but it's a lot of paces from the front door to wearing my living room couches. I'm still on the couch because I'm like, well, there's no fucking way. It's a delivery driver. And she has the bag and she goes, I have a check. and she goes, I have to go, okay. I told a couple of people about that. They're like, do you have to report her? And I'm like, no. No, I'm not going to. I'm gonna let her ride. I wanted to like read about this one day. You're gonna read about like an Uber Eats driver, just shot in Texas.

35:14Anyway, back to you. I mean, is that the crazy stuff you've ever heard? Did you show up? I have this. Did you look like this when you were adopted when they used to do that? No, no. Actually, I do have a World War II bullet in the back of my right knee, though. How'd you end up with that? I'd only have one bullet in you. I'd just end up with that, Bobby. I shot someone when I was a kid. I knew it wasn't gonna go through his leather jacket, who was trying to prove a point. And so I shot him and then the old classic rule of shootbacks. Okie-dokie. So I had this Uber driver two days ago. I said, no, no. I was like, you know. Redman, what would you have done if a food delivery driver... Well, depending on the age, like if she was younger, be like, oh, you know what's going on? You know what? I don't know why I asked. I don't know why I asked. This is why we have to have a format here and have things to do a whole bucket of people. All right. Hey, Tony, how about something, something,

36:15helpful. Nice joke density. Yeah, there was a lot of a lot of attention. Obviously not all crushing it. There was a point where I thought you had an Irish accent for some reason, right? Yeah, there's also this like weird disconnect where like it's like you've got this gentle demeanor, but like, you know, you've got the oi, look, I mean, we need like an image consultant or something. We need to really streamline in this entire thing, but at least he's attempting. Throwing jokes out. Yeah, psych, great work. One day we were word jokes, but they were all racist, but there was more. It was important. In my Uber driver, I can't tell you. He's a food delivery of Zubareats. You did the accent, the fake accent, the last three. It would really be crazy if my actual driver, if I ordered a newbie and he came in the house. That's even crazier than a newbie. You shoot him with a Confederate bullet. Yeah, do know, something like that. You did the fake accent thing last time. Like is that your main thing? Just no, it's in the audience with no, not at all.

37:16Is that something you do when you're nervous? What is it? No, I just thought the first joke, I thought maybe it'd be a fun callback to the first set that are the last set that I was on here, but yeah. Wow, you're doing some like, here. It's important that callback sure three or four years in the past. Bobby, we're going to keep it moving along. Here's a little joke book, my friend. All right. Thank you. We have a special treat, ladies and gentlemen. Complete coincidence that this guy's following a guy's fake Irish accent, because this guy is a real Irish accent. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a set from a very, very fine New York comedian that we all know. Takes the noise for column Tyrell, everybody. Here you come. Hi, everyone. Right. This is my real accent. This isn't a shit joke again. I think that Maker Wish kids should be able to smoke cigarettes.

38:18Why not? Let that little frail fucker look cool. One time he's in the yard fucking, this chemo has me stressed. And all the girls are like, oh my god. Derek's such a badass. I don't usually like bald guys, but I think that Maker Wish kids should be able to wish for some pussy. They're not allowed. Did you know that? They're not allowed. If you go on to Maker Wish.com, there's a tab that says, none of these wishes. It's a huge laundry list of stuff. You're not allowed to wish for. And number one on that list is no prostitution. Huge riding, no prostitution. Because that's the first wish on every little boy's lips. They barely got the diagnosis out. And they're like, I know what I want. I know what I want.

39:20I've been smoking pretty heavy to get this far. Line it up. Time is money. Where are the horse? That's why they're always so sad in that photo with John Cena. Little Boner. All right. OK, that's all from New York. A real comedian, ladies and gentlemen, you all on this high route. I have fan fucking tasked like a breath of fresh air in this room. Thanks. You guys were fun. Thank you. Hell yeah. They've been dying for real comedy since we got up here. How do you feel about Blacks? It does not enough time left in the show. You're in New York here full time New Yorker, right? Yeah, I live in New York now. How long have you been there? 14 years. 14 years. How'd you get to do that from Ireland? Do you get like a program or something? How does that work? Is this a sting operation tone?

40:21I do work. Ice agent's going to fucking spawn. I do work for the federal government. And many other things according to some great conspiracy videos out there. I just jumped around to different visas and stuff like that. But now I'm married. So now you can't get rid of me. Oh, how are you? You married an American girl. I'm married a good old American. And what's he like? I'm Tim. I'm not gay. I swear. What are you? You guys keep up amazing comedy like that. Serious XM is going to be allowing you guys back on Rarodog comedy. $200 a week is not bad. Is that what you guys were getting? I can't quite. I don't know the number. I don't know the number. They must owe me 100 grand or something. I have no idea what's going on over there. Was it just like a New York comedian thing? Yeah. So Rarodog radio was kind of the only channel left that they let like me, like non-famous comedians get money

41:22out of it. And then Sebastian came in and said, not a mind. What kind of money are we talking? Yeah. What kind of muscle? Like we're talking $800, $900 a year. Which on the East Coast is you're doing top 1% of comedians. Yeah. I know here you can lose that down the couch. It means nothing to you. But yeah. This is how I do it. Is this fun? Are we having fun? Yeah, we know we are. We are. We get a little serious sometimes. Here's what I did learn from you. Is that the number one wish of every dying child is prostitute. I see exact same wish of every one of my friends who are alive. Yeah. I swear it does a list. I swear to God there's a make a wish list that you're not allowed to wish for. And the first one is prostitution. Number two is no new cars. And number three, I swear is no home improvements. Oh my God. I got to meet the dying kid whose final wish is to improve the property value of the

42:24house. Oh yeah. Mother needs a walking closet. Oh, that means they add a lot of those. That means the parents, these scumbucket parents with their bad karma. They already have a dying kid. Wow. Doesn't get any worse than that. And they're like, how? Shelf's built by a hooker. Yeah. Yeah. That's the loophole. Look at leukemia kids smart. No new cars is also hilarious. This is just the parents wish. And they, an eight year old asking for a Ferrari. Yeah. That was me. Amazing. Great premises. Great execution. Fucking fantastic. And they're racing us with your great sentiment. Tell people where they can find you. And you can see me on YouTube. I've got a new special out. Just look at column terror on YouTube. C-O-L-L-L-U-M. C-O-L-U-M. One L. Is your code make a wish? It is now. Column type L, ladies and gentlemen. All right, back to the bucket. We go, ladies and gentlemen.

43:24You've seen what kind of quality bucket pulls we've had so far. Hopefully somebody prepared a little bit with their experience here. Mixing noise for Pedro Franco, a minute from Pedro Franco. Hey, everybody. So I saw that the lady, the road Harry Potter, she was borderline homeless, which was working on the book. And that made a lot of sense to me, because I can't think of a better way of coming up with that story than being surrounded by crackheads. Like I can see in my head, like she's got the notebook walking around. There's a crackhead in the corner. Like, you know, it's like, hey buddy, what you got going on? There's a school for wizards. Oh, that's pretty good. OK, fine. How do you get to this school? You got to get and find it, man. Oh, that's pretty good idea. She has to do no work. You know, she keeps walking. There's a guy in the alley like this on the wall. And she's like, what are you two going on? There's a train station behind us. Whoa, yeah, I don't say like this. OK, you guys hated that bit. All right. There's a this. Wow. OK, let's pivot to something else.

44:26I'm happy to be here. I'm always happy to be anywhere in America. I'm brazilian. It's a huge step up. When you get to this country, people warn you about how dangerous it is. You know, they say, hey, be careful in America. A lot of scam calls. To the scam calls in brazilian. Like a guy calls your house at midnight. He's like, I have your son. No, say like, but it's still a scam. They called my house when I was 13 and one in the morning. He's like, we have Pedro. I was like, I'm Pedro. He's like, fuck. That was it. All right. I'm going to get the bear. Thanks. Pedro Franco, welcome. Is this your first time on the show? Second time. Oh, OK. Well, welcome back. How long have you been doing standup, Pedro? I've been doing standup for about three years. I was at that homeless bit when it bombs a soul strange for me. So lucky. It is wild because you were performing like it was doing great. You had the beats. You had the rhythm down. It's usually good. Yeah, it was just threw me off. But it happens. It happens without a doubt. That job was good.

45:26Go ahead. Oh, this is a great job pulling out of the nose dive, though. Not bad. Dude, I was trying. Yeah, I was trying to give you guys something. Just the face is looking at me. I was trying. But thanks. This is fine. I appreciate it. Got yourself out of a very hairy situation. One could say. It's a hairy potter reference. Oh. I'm bombing with Harry Potter jokes, too. It's tough. Yeah. Might as well call it kill Pedro. We're in the same boat tonight, my friend. Yeah. How did you end up in America? Dude, actually, funny story. Hard to believe. We'll decide if it's funny. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Clearly. So the first time I did this show, actually, it went pretty good. And I got a visa out of it. Like, it was a while ago, three years ago. How did you get a visa? I did a joke about porn that everybody liked. And then you guys are really nice to me here in the panel. And then a lot of comedians from Brazil reached out to me. They're like, hey, you want to open for us and stuff? And I opened for one of them. And I got a visa out of it. It was pretty fun. Amazing. Look at that. Life-changing experience here on Caltoni.

46:27I think you're going to have to give the visa back after this performance. Yeah. Open a build on that, to be honest. That was a lot. Yeah. Patria loves porn jokes. Yeah. Pedro, you're like, what, 6-6? 6-7. 6-7. Yeah, there it is. Yeah, that's whole, yeah. Amazing. You're 6-7. You're Brazilian. You must be doing good with the ladies. Am I correct? Please tell me you're, please don't tell me you're with the fucking 50-year-old lady. No. No, that's going good, dude. I'm just honestly, it's weird to talk about it based on how this went. But I'm focusing a lot on this. It's not dating a lot. They're here and there, but yeah. It's been good. No 50-year-old lady. It's just mums. What do you mean by mums? Ladies with kids. Ladies with kids. Wow. But not 50, not 50 plus. Younger ladies with kids. You're like a loose. You're just like a loose lady. Wow, red band going a little humor for the 12-year-old boys watching from Red Band there.

47:28You're like a loose. Right now there's children just cracking up. I fucking love Red Band. That's 7. He just said that mums have a loose pussy. That's our fucking God, dude. That's our fucking dude, man. Red band fucking cranking homers for us. Hufflepuff. There you go. There you go, really hitting it home. Well, he does it. You guys like it. Awesome. I fucked the immigrant, all right? Mothers with kids. Are you living with a fat guy in a trailer? So reference, I don't get. It's okay. You're not supposed to. So, Pedro, tell us about these mums. Where are you finding these mums at? Hinge. Ooh. OK, so how does that go for you? Like, take us through the process. How do you go, Hinge? Honestly, I cheat. I put, you know those garages that have maximum height, 6. I have a picture like this. It kind of works on Hinge and going a day. But honestly, when women kind of figure out that you're doing comedy, they kind of, at this stage, to be honest.

48:29Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. When they see this, when this comes out, it's going to be great. Yeah, you're still awesome. You're still getting so much positive. This comes out. It's going to be great. See, what's the mom that you've hooked? What's the oldest kid that's been around? A ballpark? Older kid. Older kid was 16. We played the same video game. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. What was the video game? It was 2K. Wow. Like after sex, this player was better than mine. I was like, how did you get there? I was like, fuck it was fun. Wow. Incredible. Pedro, what's your favorite thing? It'll be all right. She'll be 18, so. Yeah. They are? Pedro, what's your favorite thing? Oh. Oh. Pedro, what's your favorite thing about America? Favorite thing about America. To be honest, safer than Brazil. And you can just kind of do what you want. You can chase something. That call him as a little harder. What do you mean, chase something? To be honest, like, to get a visa to do this shit and be able to keep going is insane to me. You guys take the shit for granted sometimes. Well, we're born here. We're citizens. Yeah.

49:29This is great. We're allowed to take it for granted. I don't know. We do that. We sing the national anthem. We do the Pledge of Allegiance. We send you back to Brazil. Yeah. I don't mean that porn visa. It's just a different country to be in. Like, for example, like then these days that I go, I was talking to a girl in a date saying that I love America. And she was upset. She was like, fuck you. Oh, I can't America. And I was like, why? Are you serious? Like, we're literally at war right now. I was like, dude, we are at Starbucks. We're fine. Like, this is fucking... You must have met her on unhins. Yeah, I don't know. Here's a medium joke, my friend. Well, Pedro Franco, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. He has a big boy. I'm very excited about this next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen. We have, I think he's only been on one time. He's a fucking legend in the lore of Kill Tony History. Ladies and gentlemen, I've been waiting to see this guy for a long time. Make some noise for the long awaited return. A Tony pepperoni, everybody.

50:31Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! It's a beer-thirty pepperoni. Oh! Oh! Hey! How many Gen Z does it take to screw in a light bulb? A six-seven? Mama Mia! What I say, Mama Mia, you say, a papa Mia! Mama Mia! Papa Mia! Hey! What do people would dementia like to draw? A blank! Mama Mia! Papa Mia! Hey! My gay friend, hug himself! Mama Mia! Mama Mia!

51:33I'm not gonna make a joke about him. That would be low-hanging fruit! Mama Mia! Mama Mia! Wow! Ladies and gentlemen, he's done it again. This man has a 1,000% batting average on this show. Straight out of the bucket. This is only your second time ever on this show. Am I correct, Tony pepperoni? Yes, sir. Wow, amazing. Amazing. Another man that faked an accent up here tonight. Who could have got it? I thought that was real. I thought that mustache was real, too. Is that a little bit of tape I'm saying up there? Yes. Wow, so Tony, welcome back. I see that you have broken character during this interview part. Who are you? I don't know who I am anymore. So Tony, Tony only can do stand-up.

52:34He can't, he can't, like, he just goes away after the minute. Yeah, yeah. I mean, sometimes he haunts my dreams and stuff like that. Now, are you concerned that Tony pepperoni might accidentally get more famous than the stand-up comedian that's behind Tony pepperoni that writes for Tony pepperoni and you're trying to perhaps protect your up-and-coming career as the normal guy behind the creative force behind Tony pepperoni. So instead of being Tony pepperoni in the interview, you've made the decision to be yourself which no one knows or cares about. I was thinking the same thing. Like a sifler. It is. We've seen this before with the great Timmy No Breaks. Timmy tends to stay in character during the interview party. He doesn't abruptly just switch and go, I don't know. But so this is an interesting creative choice.

53:34Here we are 13 and a half years into the show and there's never a dull moment. There's never, it's just always something new. So this is very interesting. Who is the man behind Tony pepperoni? Tell us about him. Joey Shoshit. No. It's actually, it is Joey. It is? What are the odds of that? For Joey McIroney. Oh! Joey McIroney. What is, tell us about Joey McIroney. What's the difference between Joey McIroney and Tony pepperoni? Calories! Calories! This is an iconic moment in the history of the show. Would I say butterbeam? You say butterboom! Say it. Butterbeam! Butterbeam! Butterbeam! Butterbeam! And my therapist is a midget. Talk about a shrink. You should have been doing this character the whole time!

54:37These are both wild successes. I mean, is there anything, is there, there's not another shirt underneath that. Is there, there can't possibly be no way. No way. Whoa! It's Billy Patman. What is going on? What is that? This is just my regular shirt. Oh, okay. Okay. We're learning. This is absolutely incredible. Absolutely incredible. So, is your real name Joey? No, it's Anthony. Oh, okay, Anthony. My real name's Anthony too. Look at that. We're just two pepperonis in a pod. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy, Anthony? Six years. I love it, dude. I love it. How long have you been doing Tony Pepperoni? Four years. Wow.

55:37And it just crushes, right? Yeah. Yeah. But you really just want to be Anthony, don't you? I'm trying my best. See, this is the thing. This is some real conundrum. Let me take off the hat. Let's see who you are. If there's another chef's hat underneath there. Oh, oh my god! What the fuck is that? What the fuck is that? Is that a beanie baby? It's red, dude. It's Billy Beanie, baby. Raditoui. It's Roberto Ratatoui. You have characters all up in you. What is that doing on your head? He's controlling me. Just like son of Sam. Holy fucking shit. You are so funny.

56:37You are. You are good men. What's up here, Ratatoui? I didn't get that far yet. You are a pure comedian, my friend. Did you start here in Austin, where did you come from? I actually started in Colorado Springs. And then I moved here. Yeah. What's your... And I got to tell you, Tony Pepparoni's got a lot more spun through him than... So what different characters do you go up at? What is your catalog? It's Tony Pepparoni, Joey Macaroni. Does Anthony go up? What's his last name? Uh, Colotaker. Oh shit. This is just like a guy named Tim Stiffler, who we know. Tim Stiffler is a stiff from San Diego. But he puts on a leather jacket and sunglasses and he becomes Timmy Nobber. Are you Jewish? No.

57:38Are you sure? Have you gotten a 23 in head? All right. He said, oh, Mike Amazzo. When I say that's expensive, you say I agree. Hey. What a Yamagane. Yamagane, he threat that to me. Oh my God. The fact that you pulled off that hat that we never would have asked you to pull off. And there's a fucking rat tattooy. Has my mind bent right now? Were you wearing the rat the first time you were on the show, too? Uh, I wish. Oh, yeah. I'm sorry. I was just imagining going home without us knowing it. Right. I mean, it's definitely almost happening. It was a wild success. It was a wild success. Is there anything else we should ask you that we wouldn't have asked you? Uh, I got you guys some gifts. Okay.

58:38Uh, I love this. I love gifts. I love the money, pepperoni's emergency mustaches. Oh, yes. Stash in a flash. Oh, give me this. Uh, I only found a threak. I forgot. I forgot one. Oh, here I am. Is this game or? Wow. Look at that. These are very exciting. I don't know. I'll bring some for the band next time. Did you make two pays for the band? Carlos are all going to have tonight. What's going on over there? Just being a little shy guy tonight? Bad scalp day. Do you have a little woman at home, a little appetizer? Yes, they're a little fucking, a little fucking, uh, a little fucking, uh, yeah.

59:42Terra Maranera. There you go. No, no, still looking for my tonya, lasagna. Ah, there it is. How much material do you think Tony Pepperoni has? Uh, solid 20. Really? I thought he'd have you on the secret show Thursday. I'll tell you what, Tony. I'm going to get a lot of shit for this one, but I got no regrets here. Tony Pepperoni, you are the newest sold-in ticket winner in Kill Tony, Folblore. Congratulations, my friend. There's a note out about it. It's all the beer!

1:00:43Tony Pepperoni, we need to see more of you and we need it as soon as possible. So we want to see what you have, the extra 18 minutes that we haven't seen. You are a part of an elite group now. You'll probably get a visa for this even though you're an American citizen. And your life is going to change. I'd like to apologize to Anthony Cotter, EO, or whatever it was. I don't know what he's going to do, but you're going to have to figure it out. Because the people love Tony Pepperoni. And people need Tony Pepperoni. And you'll find your lasagna girl. I believe in you. Look in the kitchen first. You're a citizen, gentlemen. One more time for the great Tony Pepperoni everybody. Unbelievable. Unbelievable that he had. The red tattoo we under the hat is what did it.

1:01:44Is the red technically the recipient of the Golden Ticket? It's absolutely incredible. People say you need to, you know, on this show that it's racist and sexist. Then you have a guy up here just saying, and mama me and it brings the whole room together. All right, back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen, as you've seen anything gonna happen tonight, next to my next bucket pool, it's Jack Argas. Everybody Jack Argas. A lot of people think we might be living in like a simulation or like work characters in a video game. That one bothers me because it tells me the guy playing me is also broke. He won't buy any of the credits, he's just playing the free version over and over again. It's brutal, dude. I'm really excited to be here. I actually just left my job to pursue comedy full-time just a couple months ago. I'm living the dream. Yeah, thank you. Woo! Yeah, I couldn't do the corporate light for anymore. You know, one-on-one meetings, fluorescent lights.

1:02:44The last straw for me was when they fired me. They brought me into this room and they were like, you know, based on your performance, we're gonna have to let you go. And I said, if that's how you're gonna treat me, I'm not coming in anymore. I did just move to Austin to pursue that dream from New York. And I do get a little home sick, so actually I do appreciate the homeless population here. You know, one whiff brings me right back home, walking down six streets. One difference I have noticed though is the homeless people here all have shopping carts. And it got me thinking it's like maybe if you were not shopping all the time, you could afford an apartment. What are we doing here guys? Thank you very much. Check our gas. Welcome Jack. You're very excited after that. I love it. How long did you move from New York Jack? June 30th, I moved here. Okay. Yeah. And how long have you been on stand-up?

1:03:44About two years in change. I started at the comic strip live, did it around New York a bit. What do you do for work? I don't have a job, I lost my job. How are you surviving? Unemployment until December at least. Okay. Which is part of why I moved to Austin because I could afford to live here on unemployment. How much does unemployment pay you exactly? Almost 900 a week? 900 a week. It's 67, yeah. Wow, that's New York unemployment. So New York, it's tough with that. But here, let's funny. 900 a week. That's funny. That's amazing. Wow. Super money. Yeah, that's. Yeah, absolutely incredible. That is just our tax paying money at work for your unbelievably lazy ass. To make a star. I love it. Oh, I'm not lazy. What do you do to work? Okay, what do you work at? Well, I do comedy every day. Oh, well, I mean. I'm still looking for a job. I know that's not like, you know, I'm not. What are you looking for? What are you trying to do? Another tech sales job that's what I did before. So I'm interviewing. Good at it. I'm pretty good. Yeah, I'm interviewing with Amazon right now. TikTok, a couple of companies down here. So I hope I don't have to do that.

1:04:45I can just do this. I hope you can. I hope you can get a job there. Thank you. Jack, what do you do for fun? You seem like the kind of guy that likes some wild shit. Maybe in my younger days, I definitely did. I play a lot of golf. Not so much recently because it's expensive and it's hot here. Play a lot of golf. Again, I've just been really busy with comedy, but yeah, hanging out with friends sports. I do a lot of sports betting. I can stuff. Oh, betting on sports. Yeah, yeah. When you have 900 bucks to blow, it's pretty good. Yeah. Yeah. Why not? What's your rent right now? So I've been in a place in South Mancheck. Is that how you say that one? South Mancheck? Mancheck. Yeah, it's been 2200. I had a little save, so I blew through that. And then I'm moving to a place in Valente. I'm just taking a room in like a lake house for like a thousand bucks a month. A thousand dollars a month. Yeah, yeah. That's a pretty good deal. Almost unemployment. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Jack, what do you think is the most interesting thing about you? Dematness is leaving right now.

1:05:46He said, I'm out of here and I'm never coming back. I'd say a really unique story to me is I was when I was a kid I got swarmed by a beehive. Oh. Stung like 35 times in one night. Wow. Yeah. Even they didn't like you. Yeah. It's amazing. It's amazing. It's amazing. Like, uh. I just like your cheese shirt. I'm like, can I stand in back there with Tony Pepparoni? Yeah. I'm just taking that and cheese. Yeah. So this, this be swarming that you got. Did you see the hive where you were? Well, I was living upstate at the time in a cold assack and all the kids would ride their bike into this little ditch and ride out. You're like dip in and you get a little ramp out. I was like six. And you were a little fat boy, weren't you? Husky, but fit. Yeah. You know, built like Winnie the Pooh. Yeah, yeah. Definitely bigger. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was just going to dip in and out. So I went all the way into the ditch and ran over a yellow jacket's nest. And then I was screaming that there's monsters attacking me because I was sick. I didn't know what was happening and they chased me into my house.

1:06:47Everyone of my family got stung. We had to get people over. It was bad. When's the swelling go down? I don't know. Red band. Red band. You did it again, red band. Oh, here you go. My friend, there's a medium sized joke book. All right. They just look bigger on TV. There goes Jack Argas. Everybody. All right. Well, I mean, quite the dips since Tony Pepparoni. Let's get a regular up here. This young man has the un-lovely job of having to write and perform a brand new minute every single week on this show. He basically never misses an appearance. With a brand new minute, ladies and gentlemen, makes the noise for the former dark storm of Atlanta, the dark storm of Austin, Texas. This is Dechrick Flynn, everybody. What's you know about? Stop lying to me. If you got the only fans you have, Adderall. I used to motivate it for your only fans.

1:07:50I'm tired. Help me. Every girl with the only fans got an Adderall in a bait prescription that she dropped on the floor. Okay. I'm the only one dating the nigga with the only fans. I don't know. Nobody get no put. Speaking of addictions, why didn't anybody prepare us for the disappointed judge, man, of asking another adult for a charger? Why didn't Niggas saw him setting us? Like, they treat us like you a child. They look at you like you fucking child. You don't have an old mommy didn't pack a charger for you. You didn't know. Let me ask you a question. What adult decision did you make when your phone was at 43%? Did you put it on low power? No. Actually, you know what? We're not going to give you a charger. We're not going to give you a charger. Because in this household, we don't believe in enabling. And I'm like, hey, this is a bar.

1:08:51If I don't have a charger, I can't pay, right? Because I needed electronic money. And then you don't even know the eye roll somebody to give you once you tell them that you have an Android. You like a even bigger child. I went to a letter this weekend and I used to bartend out there and I saw one of my crackheads that you should like clean up the bar. And I was like, and I walked up to him. He was like, Mr. Showtime. I was like, I'm not on showtime on YouTube. And Netflix, right? And I said, why don't you get your crackhead ass away from me? He said, hey, I ain't no fucking crackhead. I just do crack. Crackhead is still from name Mama and I would never do that. So I get that nigga $15. You know what I'm saying? Because you don't want to tip a nigga that look like he stole from his mama before. Okay, y'all don't got homeless people. What do we do?

1:09:51All right, I'm done. I'm a jerk, Glen Ladies and gentlemen. Sometimes it's hard to relate to people. Sometimes they don't hang around places that have crackheads. Sometimes they don't have girlfriends that are on only fans. And sometimes a bar in Atlanta is just a bar in Atlanta. How was your trip to Atlanta? It was great. I just, y'all don't have none. What do y'all come from? And why won't you tell us about it? I want to go to the great land of no crackheads. I want to park my car and leave my bag in it. Did your phone die a lot, Neddrick? Yeah. Why does that happen? Because I always charge mine overnight. And then I wake up and it's at 100% it holds strong. And then at some point, usually before I go out at night, I take a hole like either a nap or a second shower, something like that. Plug it in again, back up to 100.

1:10:54From 70 to 80, it's an easy trip to 100. Takes longer to get to 100. If you let it go down to your 15s, your 20s, if you will, which I think my phone only gets to if I go to a music festival or a concert, Tim Butterley. Think about this, Tony. A smoke detector could save your life. Damn. And they let those die. Damn. Yeah. First of all, a smoke detector never dies. Yeah. What happened before you go further? Does it fit smoke crack? Yeah. No crackheads live forever. It's all fettin' on niggas that die. You look like one of the niggas you got a narcan. Before, you did, Tony, was just a scribe. You having a better life than me. I got a grind out on the road. So I got to fly places sometimes frontier, not sometimes every time frontier,

1:11:55doesn't have a place for you to charge that in. I know you've never been past the first four roles in like 10 years as shit. Been a while. A sneak is in 37F have a thing to say. Daddy. I was in 37F for a long time. That's how I worked my way up there. Yeah. You know, Patrick, if you don't use speaker phone, it doesn't die as fast. That's hilarious. That's hilarious. That's hilarious. Red band. Red band, where's your sound effect? You made the crowd go wild. Turn it up, Red Band. Where's it at? He doesn't even know where his own sound effect is. 13 and a half years. Still doesn't know how to find it. Oh, there it is. No, I get... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Red band, that's the first time I've seen you. I want to fuck your labels and words so big. Oh, now, you can see it?

1:12:55It's a different soundball. 60 years old. 60 years. Deja, you're the fucking man. Thank you so much. Another minute plus, from Deja Splend, onto the next one we go. We know this young man has been on this show quite a few times. Oh, look at the lovely Heidi. I mean, absolutely incredible. What a class act. By the way, Heidi's Farts and a Jar are available for sale at Killmurch.com. It is a real jar with a real label and a cool red lid. They're for sale. 25 bucks a pop. You might be wondering, what does it smell like? What does a Heidi's Fart and a Jar smell like? To find out by one, Killmurch.com. We mixed one red band fart into the hundreds and hundreds of Heidi's Farts and a Jar that we made. So for one unlucky person, it's going to be a red band fart.

1:13:58Maybe it smells like nothing, by the way. Maybe that's just what Heidi's Farts smell like. So go to Killmurch.com, buy a Heidi's fart and a Jar. I know I bought five for myself. All right, makes my next bucket pool. It's Ali Musa, everybody. Ali Musa. So I was doing the show recently, and I was really distracted by a very heavy set woman sitting right in the front. And I'm not making fun of her for being big, but she was wearing one of those shirts that say pink. So it said pink right across her chest, except the bottom part of the pee was squished right in between her boob and belly like this. So the whole time I just thought it said to oink. LAUGHTER Holy shit, that is a confident lady. I thought it was Lizzo's new clothing line. I was like, let's go. You know, I'm sure you guys have all heard that stigma,

1:14:58like the coolest you can feel as a white person is being invited to the black cookout, right? Well, I brought a black friend to a white cookout, and it was the opposite energy. He did not want to be there. He was judging all the food. He kept saying that white people put raisins in their potato salad. And it's a serious issue for him, because my buddy hates raisins so much. He doesn't even like raisin his own kids. So I think raisins in potato salad remind him too much of his own dad. They're black. They're wrinkled, and he's used to them not being there. Thank you. Allie Misa. Welcome, allie. Thank you. You've been on the show numerous times. How long have you been on stand-up now? 15 years. 15 years. Was that, did you start in LA? I started in Tucson, Arizona. OK. And then you moved to LA. No, I visited quite often, though. OK. Yes. And how long you've been in Austin now? It'll be five years next month. Five years next month.

1:16:00How do you like it? What's been going on? You go up. I like being ever-go-to-HB. H-E-B is the greatest place on earth. Yeah. There you go. That is correct. That is the correct answer. What do you like to get at HB? Take us through an order of Allie Misa. H-E-B, I get some cat food. Get a little bit of steak. You eat cat food. You don't have a cat. Am I correct? I have cats. Oh, you look like the kind of guy that would eat cat food every once in a while. For sure. I mean, in this economy, who knows what's coming? What's your favorite kind of cat food? I get the Purina. Nice. Yeah, the shrimp flavor. Oh, yeah, that's delicious. Like, like. I love it. Allie, what's going on in life? Tell us about it. Just doing comedy full-time for the most part. I also do shitty movie reviews on the internet that has kind of a following happening for me right now. Very cool. I watch the worst movies of all time and I shit on them and I make videos about it. Have you seen Digger? Yeah, I knew the name. It's not Digger.

1:17:02Digger, I'm sorry. Have you seen Digger? Digger. I was at the new Tom Hanks movie. Tom Cruise. Tom Tom Cruise. Tom whatever. Same difference. No, I have not seen it. Total different actor. Couldn't be more different. You haven't seen it. What's the latest worst movie that you've seen? I watched this Ugandan movie called Bad Black. And now I have like 3,000 new Ugandans in my inbox sending me movies. Ugandan filmmakers telling me to review their movies. I'm like, I'm not going to shit on some dirt poor African filmmaker. You know, it's like, doesn't feel right. Yeah, but you could also turn it into like a recurring segment called Ugandan Check This Out. Yeah. That is true. There we go. That is true. Tim Butterley, ladies and gentlemen, he's on tour TimBatterley.com. The Tim Butterley Show, 30 minutes with Tim Butterley at youtube.com-slash-Tim Butterley. You gone to check it out. Allie Mesa, what do you think is the weirdest thing about you?

1:18:05You have any weird habits. You seem like the kind of guy that like showers and with instead of using like a towel, you have like a beach towel or something. I actually do have a beach towel, honestly. You use a beach towel as a shower towel. Am I correct? That's the energy. How the hell did you know that? That is unbelievable. Sometimes I impress even myself. I knew you ate cat food. I picture a beach towel. Hold on. I think there's something else. There's something you're single. Am I correct? I'm single. Yeah. Absolutely unbelievable. Absolutely. The last time you had sex was about a year ago. Am I correct? Under, you know, actually a few weeks ago. Oh, well. Tell us your cat. Prior to that. With your cat. And we're closer to a year. Tell us about that. Who did you hook up with exactly? A lovely lady in San Antonio. I met through comedy. You did a gig and then you met her afterwards or she's a comedian as well. I met her at a show. She's not a comic. OK. She's sitting in the front row with a pink shirt. She could have been. So what happened? You went back to your hotel, your car,

1:19:05and we stayed in contact for like months. And you know, Snapchat, Instagram eventually went over there. You send her a dick pic? No, I didn't, actually. Good. Why is she from Uganda? I couldn't disappoint her before. Ali. I never got an answer. I answered it for you. What's the weirdest thing about you other than using a beach towel as a shower towel? Go ahead. I'm kind of a jugalow. I've actually performed stand-up comedy at the gathering of the jugalos. I saw Tim Butterly there. Wow. Look at that. Explain to that. I'll add to my career. Explain to the people that might not know what exactly doesn't mean to be kind of a jugalow. You're a fan of the insane clown posse. So you have partial custody and you enjoy whippets. There it is. Bayonu, you're the opposite of Jigalow. Right. It's like a Walmart fuck the Golden Coral and created like a TLC reality show, participants. Is what it is. Ali Musa, fun times.

1:20:06Here's a medium sized jokebook. My friend always a pleasure, Ali Musa. We're going to keep it moving on to the next one we go. All right. This looks like a new name. Let's see what happens here. Mixed noise for Patrick Schwaul, everybody. Patrick Schwaul. Hey, what's up, everybody? Yeah, my name is Patrick. I'm kind of a weird guy. Occasionally, I am master mate. Someone wants to offer in mind. He told me a sore dick is kind of like a good deal. You just can't beat it. I really got to take a break, kid. He told me. Thankfully, I don't have a kid because I beat my dick. If my dick were a kid, I probably wouldn't have custody of it because I'd beat the shit out of it, it's bad. My dick were some eggs. They'd be scrambled. But I'm working on cooking them over easy, if you know what I mean.

1:21:07Like kind of like a couple of poached eggs for a nice Benedict. I've got the holland days. Yeah, that's. But yeah, Hakuna Matata, am I right? More like Hakuna, my own Tata too much. It's not good, really. You don't want to see my dick. Wow. OK. This crowd is not like masturbating. We're losing the one cool black audience, remember, he's shaking his head as he leaves. Red band's leaving, so that's a positive. If Red Band leaves after you're said, I'm going to make you a regular. Patrick, welcome. This is definitely your first time on. I would remember if there was another guy that just only talked about masturbating too much. It's a scary amount of masturbating talk. How long have you been on standup, Patrick? Probably like twoish years. The first time I got on stage was 23 years worse than this.

1:22:10Well, what the fuck did you talk about then? I just ran and shit down on a no-carc. His people in school thought I was funny. And I was like, if I just say stuff. What's school, Cornell? No. Jesus. Patrick, how much material do you think you have that you could do during a good set? A solid set. A solid set, I don't know. Three minutes, five minutes, it's OK. Three or five minutes. I've done seven before, just tell me. Would that minute be part of that set? I could do a whole new one without that, but I have a lot of stuff about my dick. Why do you have so much material about masturbating, Patrick? I've just been having problems, Tony. Do you really masturbate a lot? No, I stopped. It's amazing. How did you stop? I just quit. How did you quit? Cold jerky? I'm not going to do anymore. Thought of that in the moment. No big deal. Cold jerky. Come on. Oh, look who's back. Wouldn't you have to fart or something? What are you just doing? You heard jerky and ran back.

1:23:12But there's jerky out there. I'm going to cut it off and get back to work. Me too. Brian wants to know how he stopped. How were you able to, well, first of all, before we get to how did you stop? Let's talk about it at its worst. At its worst? Yeah. What were you doing, exactly, Patrick? I was getting high. What kind of high? Just weed. OK. And then you were stimfabbing, weren't you? What is that? Yeah, take us through it. That's what you take inphetamines and you stay up for a couple of days gooning nonstop. Oh, yeah. That's what you had. He's back. He's back. He's back. Yeah. I got high on some shit. I don't even know what the fuck it was. And I fucked my dick up. But it was the best I ever saw. Wow. It's like Balboa. OK. So how many times do you think is your record for masturbating in a day? Oh, I think seven times. I did that one. And Kevin. So bad. Then I was like, seven. That's nothing. Redpins done that since the start of the show. I was a teenager.

1:24:13So like, how are you now? I'm 30. Is that still coming your hair? No. No. I do. I did have a joke. Someone told me I looked like a jerk. Yes. And I didn't understand it. And I was like, oh, along came Polly. Now I get it. Yeah. That's a different joke. But I didn't shoot that. It's a different movie. I think Patrick, what do you do for a living? Fuck it up. Right now I'm unemployed. Really? Yeah. I mean, you just got nothing going on. When's the last time you had a job? Probably like three to four months ago. OK, what was that job? Easy question. Landscaping. OK. Wack in the weeds, huh? Oh, yeah. Absolutely incredible, Patrick. You were the last white landscaper. You heard of the last samurai. You were, it's official. I'm getting word from Michael Gonzalez. You were the last white landscaper. You were like the general custard, if you will, of white landscapers. OK, over here.

1:25:14Patrick, so how did you lose that job? I quit. Whoa. Fucking walked out. So how do you have money? How do you survive? I saved some money. What's your exact savings? What do you think you have right now? Can I guess? Yeah. You tell me over under? Yeah. I'm going to say $4,500. Oh, it's way under. OK, how much under? What do you got? You're like $338. $338. What's your name? Whoa. Whoa. I think you should get back to masturbating. What's your name? Same like the only thing when you are working. What's your living situation, Patrick? I live on my own. I have a place to live. What's your rent? It's like $1,200. OK, so the first of the month is about what? 28 days away or something like that. I'm going to find a job interview tomorrow. What's your job? Where's your job interview at? It's online. It's for a marketing thing. OK. You think you're going to do good on it? I don't know. You're going to style your hair, definitely.

1:26:14Are you going to comb it over or something? Are you just going to let that rip? I'm just going to let it rip. OK. I don't know what to do with my hair. I was like, should I get a cut? Should I get a fade? Should I grow it down? Oh. You went with that? Yeah. Wow. That is crazy. It's like you represent the Lollipop queen or whatever hair style. Lollipop. Lollipop? Like the Lollipop guild? Yeah. The hairstyle. Yeah, that's a little something for the children. Tony, have you ever done a makeover for a guest on the show before? We did once, Shave a guy's head, who he was based. I mean, it was the craziest thing you've ever seen. It was a guy with barely any hair left and he had it all combed forward and greased down. It was the craziest thing ever. I don't think there's much we could do with Patrick. I disagree. We fixed his posture. We had, I know, I'm looking, trying to work on it, but it's just, uh, back straight up. We never wear these shorts again.

1:27:15Yeah, they're pretty gross. Sometimes these for like 10 years. Patrick. Well, Patrick, no they don't. What do your parents think about your existence? Do your parents deeply disappointed? Because you went to college, right? Yeah, I did go to college. Did you graduate from college? Did you graduate? What was your degree in? Electronic media and broadcasting. And what are you doing with that? Did you learn anything when you were there? Yeah, I like talking to myself and pretend like I'm a newscaster sometimes. OK, give us an example of what that looks like. This just in. My name's Patrick. You're bad at this, too. No, I'm done. Here's a little joke, but there you go, Patrick. Thank you. Troll, everybody. Wow. Absolutely incredibly bad. I mean, the quality of the signups tonight are incredible. The highlight was just masturbating. This is amazing. Wasn't that much. I mean, listen to the silence of the room. There's people literally leaving during a live tap. That's a masturbating. Literally, all leaving at once. There's six people leaving.

1:28:17He got all the mood to go jack off. It's a new loco. Oh, this lady just decided to leave. She's just joining. Crazy. Anybody else? All right, your next comedian out of the bucket goes by the name of Joey T. Everybody here comes Joey T. Guys, my name is Joey, which is gay for Joseph. Guys, I know my name's gay because really straight guys won't say it. You know, I'm talking about when I say you're really straight guy. Guys, shake your hand too hard. Guy lowers his voice a whole octave just to sound more badass. Yeah, real Uncle laser tap filler. Guys, I met Uncle laser before. Shook his hand. Some of my names Joey nice to meet you. Look me in the eye and say, nice to meet you, Joe. You just dropped that wily because it's a gay baby.

1:29:18Oops. I wasn't mad. I'm used to people dropping the wire, right? Yeah, I'm just curious. You think he does that to ladies' names too? Uncle laser meets a peggy. Nice to meet you, pig. Love a good pig. You guys like toys in the bedroom? Hell yeah, I love toys in the bedroom. Last night I fucked my girl on a pile of tectax. You guys think I'm joking? You guys think I smuggle these tectax into the comedy and mothership just to do this bit? Right, Joey, I'm just going to stop you there. You are basically literally talking to yourself up here. You're talking about Uncle laser during your opportunity of a lifetime and you're doing what? I thought I'd take some shots at the, you know, how long have you been attempting stand-up? Three and a half years, yeah. No, no, there's no way. There's no way.

1:30:19I'm not going to allow that answer. Are you pleased to tell me you're lying? Oh man. Was it that bad? It was dead silence the whole time. I mean, are there a couple of chuckles? No, there was. And there's one drunk lady that's wasted over here holding up her head on her husband's shoulder, literally laughing at nothing at all, kind of ruining it for everybody. I'm so sorry. Because we were hoping for a crisp silence. I could feel in the room that we were all united. I'm so sorry. Because you're literally talking about Uncle laser during your set. There, I'm just going to, I'm just going to keep him moving. I'm not going to encourage this kind of behavior. Damn, man. Yep. Sorry, Tony. Joey, it's OK. Put the mic in the mic. San, you're OK. Next time do material, three years, you got it. You can do it. I'm going to bring someone special up right now, ladies and gentlemen. This guy is going to sage the room just like column Tyrell did earlier. This is one of the top young rising comedians in the world. He's been on panel before he's done sets before he's done it all. Ladies and gentlemen, I present you the return of the great.

1:31:20A son of mod, everybody. I realize that I don't know much about the Epstein files. The other day I just Googled is Pizza Gate real. And then Google gave me that notification that said, hey, Google would like to know your location. And I was like, I'm that curious. That's crazy. I literally went back in my phone and typed in my bad. And I threw it away. I was like, not today, not now, who not today. The craziest thing I learned, apparently, is Galen Maxwell's dad owned McGraw Hill. The textbook company that made all the American textbooks when I was a student. It's like, damn, that's how evil they were, huh? They kidnap kids and gave them homework. If Johnny's getting trafficked on a train going 50 miles per hour, how much would it cost

1:32:23to buy him off-way fare? Show your work. I do have another part of this joke, can I say? The person who I feel worse for in the whole Epstein thing is definitely Tiger Woods. I feel bad for him. There's nothing to do with his driving. It's all on him. Although it was pretty sweet that there's a half-black, half-Asia man out there that's an incredible athlete and parable driver. God was cooking when He wrote that one. He really was. The fire was coming out of his pen, you know, and we'll name him Tiger. I feel bad for him because Tiger was in Tiger Korea got ruined because he had consensual sex with adult women. It's like, damn Tiger, knowing we know now, if you just had consensual sex with minors, you could have ran for office dog. That's crazy. All right, one last thought on Tiger Woods.

1:33:26It must feel amazing as a black man to win an event called The Masters. That must feel so good. All right, thank you. Absolutely incredible. As San Amat is good as a good hilarious topical, great premises, great execution, absolutely everything. Asan, how are we doing? Oh, doing good, feeling good. One of my favorite human beings we work together every Tuesday, Wednesday, and some Thursday's. You're a full-time, absolutely wildly successful, Austin comedian. You're doing the road. You're doing everything, traveling with Duncan, doing my shows sometimes. This, that, and the next. How's life going? Pretty good, pretty good. You know, trying to keep myself busy. Yeah. I've started doing this thing called random nodding. Ooh, yeah. Tell us about that. Well, so I actually got this from Duncan. The premise being that if you go to somewhere really random, it's like it causes a glitch in the simulation and it'll show you something weird. So this is an app that just sends me random coordinates and I'll go every once in a while. Oh, wow.

1:34:27Yeah. What have you found? Well, I found, me and I actually went with Fuzzy one time in a couple other comics, we found like a pretty funny glitch where we went to it, took us to like this church petting zoo thing. Ooh. But like the alpaca was in the field and then like the kids were in a little cage. Wow. The alpaca was running right at one point, the alpaca looked at us like, I know this is wrong. Like, you got the eyedress of that? Was the priest in the little cage with the kid? Yeah, I don't know. I think they just just pen the kids off. They're like, you know, I thought it was weird, but now do the recent events. I'm like, I don't know how much white people like their kids. Yeah. They let them do anything. They're nothing like Indian parents. No, they'd be on. That those kids would be doing math in there. Yeah. Or writing the alpaca. Or eating them. Fucking look, come on. Maybe we can do everything. Fucking look, come on. Maybe we can do everything.

1:35:29Asan, you're the man. You saged the room of Joey Tees, Uncle Lazler, Tech Dectimaterial. We needed that. Asan, where can people find you? I have a podcast called The Solid Show and I'm on the road. I'm in Portland this week and Philadelphia in December go to asancomy.com for tickets. Go see Asan Amad. He's a gangster. And at a church petting show. All right, back to the bucket. We go, ladies and gentlemen, we have work to do here. We have to find another one. Tony Pepperoni's not, cannot hold down this bucket alone. I have not given away a single big joke book tonight. Only a golden ticket. Can you believe that? Not a single big joke book. Make some noise for Jose Manuel Cisneros, everybody. Hello, my name is Jose Manoense Sineros. I will tell joke now. I don't really talk like that, you racist. But I am Mexican, so I do procreate.

1:36:29I have four boys. One is 21, 1918. I call them the original trilogy. And then we have a nine-year-old, which I'm still kind of debating the reboot or the prequel. So we're debating that. But if any of you guys have kids the other day, me and the Suntobx wife, we're clean the house because we have people over for something. And he's playing Minecraft in the living room when it's cool. An hour before I say, hey, reboot, can you please get off the game? He says, give me a sec, Dad. I'm almost done. Sure, we got an hour. 45 minutes come. Hey, reboot, can you get off the game? Give me a sec, Dad, I'm almost done. Sure, sure. 30 minutes. Can you get off the game? My teeth keep getting tighter and tighter, right? Like your parents are, remember that? So now, 15 minutes. Get off the game. Give me a sec. 10 minutes. Give me a sec. People are over. And I finally go, can you please get off the game? And he says, give me a sec. And I say, I've been giving you lots of sex for the last hour. What?

1:37:30Why would you see that, Dad? Jose Manuel Cisneros. Yes, sir. How long have you been on standup, Jose? About three months. OK. What made you want to come on here today? In front of millions of people on a show in which we try to find sometimes extremely talented people. That's right. Actually, I just came out here about two weeks ago, because I'm going through stuff with the Mrs. I bet you are, because you're gay. Am I right? Am I right? Jose, are you figuring this out about yourself right now, live? A lot of people think of that because they're like, the shirt? Yeah. The voice, the everything. We went on a cruise, and they wouldn't let me into the restaurant, because they said I was sleepless. And I point out on my wife, and I say, she's sleepless. They say, yeah, women can go in. Were you mad? Were you mad that it wasn't a gay cruise? It was. It was called a Tom Cruise. I love to eat pussy. I hear guys who don't like to eat pussy up here and like, boo. Tell us what your favorite part is about eating pussy.

1:38:32Is it when you cup the balls? It's the long part. Tell us your... And tell us in the original voice you started? No, no, don't do that. Don't do that. Please, don't do that. For the love of God. And just, you know, the texture, the taste. The texture of the pussy, ladies and gentlemen. Every man's first dancer. I know the guy who's appeared was singing the same thing. There's nothing better about eating pussy than the texture. Yeah, just like describing a New York Italian cheesecake. There's just nothing better than the texture of pussy, ladies and gentlemen. That's right. And the taste is not bad either. The taste is not bad either. And let your wife go. Let her go out there. I will. It's, you get... Give that texture around the world. You get, you guys are at the end, huh? You guys have run its course, you think? You got four kids? Yeah, yeah. We've been through a lot of shit. She actually introduced me like that to someone. She said, this is my student to be ex-husband, so I was like, all right.

1:39:33Well, how long ago was that? About a month ago. And who did she introduce you to us that? It was just another girl. She went to a Broadway... Ray? Where they went inside? Are you sure you didn't take her to the Broadway, Ray? I wish I was invited, but no, I was not invited. This guy is totally gay. I thought... Absolutely incredible. He's the only person in the room that doesn't think he's gay. Have you ever kissed a man? Only in a play. Was that a... What? Yeah! Was that a rainbow? Kino is activated. Kino was activated on rainbow arts. I didn't even know you could do that. No, no, no, no. That is incredible. The man that you want to quote, I pulled the lips in. In a play is getting her in out of passion. LAUGHTER Do you like the texture of Cox? Yes or no? My own. Wow. OK. Jose. And, come on. Wow. So you could say that 100% of the penises that you've touched,

1:40:34you like the texture. I guess so, yeah. I guess so. Jose, how many of the four kids are boys? All four. All four. Now, do you think that's why you like eating your wife's pussy? Is because there were boys inside of there at one point. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Oh, you can't. LAUGHTER If you had four girls, you'd be like, oh, bad texture. I don't like the texture. No, I was eating, I was eating your pussy before we had kids. OK. But you have an eating it post kids? No, I do. Oh, you do. Yeah, I do. That's your, correct? Let me ask you this. You ask me what? Is the red band and his 12-year-old fan base. They want to know, was the texture better before the kids or after the kids? Because red band said earlier that if you have kids, it's loose. In a classic joke that made all the children listening around the world laugh. Some kids listen to this show on their iPhones after their parents put them to bed.

1:41:39They think they're asleep. They're watching this show, listening to some naughty comedy and whatnot. He said that they're loose or have you noticed a change in the texture? No. You've noticed no change whatsoever. Could this be because, perhaps, after four kids, there's more skin coming out. So perhaps it's more dick-like. No. So, the last one tore the part between her ass and her pussy? Oh, shit. I think the doctor put an... It made you a little dream hole, huh? Yeah, yeah. The best of both worlds. Just one big old fuckhole for you. No, no. Yeah, you get to live all your fantasies. It's like being at a Broadway rave. Jose, let me ask you this, because even though your set was absolute fucking chaoticly bad, I find this interview to be interesting because... Oh, there's a lot of shit, though. Because, you know, much like the guy earlier write Tim that needed a makeover, I think we can make this guy gay by the end of this interview.

1:42:41Tony's gonna do gay eye for the gay guy? Yeah. Yeah. I'm gonna take you to the promised land, my friend. Jose, let me ask you this. What other than kissing a guy at the play? By the way, how long ago was that play? Twenty-something years ago. Okay, but you always remember that kiss. Because you answered it very quickly. I said, what's the gayest thing you ever done? You're like, I kissed a guy at the play. No, you said I have you a kiss the guy. I said I didn't a play. Okay, all right. Okay. Okay. Hold on. Let me ask you this. Let me ask you this. Jose, would you be willing to go on a date with a man? Would you ever try it? No. Okay, let me... Why? Because I like women. What do you like about women other than their texture? Well, it's the touch of a woman, the softness of a woman. It's different than a man. What's that one? Okay, let me know. It's different.

1:43:41I mean, how do you know? I mean, it's solid. How do you know a woman is pervy? How do you know what men feel? Can we play a little game? Can we play a game? Would you be... Jose, would you be willing to play a game where I... I... We cover your eyes. I will do. We're going to cover your eyes. And we're going to have a guy next to you, and we're going to have Heidi next to you. And I'm going to have you touch their arm like that. And you have to guess which one's the guy and which one's Heidi. And you're only allowed one touch. Are you willing to play that game? Sure. Fantastic. Let's cover his eyes. So we have some kind of makeshift blindfold, please. No, Kirk? That wouldn't work. We can't put a dick in his mouth. Let him decide which one's the bushy. I thought I didn't want to get some action today. All right, we need some type of makeshift blindfold. This shows completely off the rails.

1:44:41This is a... Wow, that worked. Where'd that come from? Here. Wrap this around your head, Jose. Here we go. There we go. All right. Cold, get up here. Come on, cold. Keep the headset on. Nothing fancy. This is going to be great. OK. All right, now here's how we're going to do this. Here's how we're going to do this. Jose, put your hand out. Just stick it out. Keep going. Yeah, like that. A little bit more. OK. Now, one of them is going to put their arm underneath your hand. All right, here we go. And I want you to describe to us what you feel. Now, well, don't go that way. Keep going up. There you go, right there. OK. Now, OK, that's enough. You're going to hurt him. OK. Jose. What do you think that was?

1:45:42That felt like a woman's arm. OK. Here we go. Let's try number two. Let's see what we got here. OK. Ladies and gentlemen. OK, wait. Hold on. Hold on. Give me an arm. All right. Now, what do you feel this time? OK, that's enough. That's enough. Feels like the same arm. OK. But it felt? No. No. No. Get back here. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Like a guy's arm. That second one felt like a guy's arm? Yeah. OK, we're going to do a third one. Here we go. What do you feel this time? That's a man. Wow. Jose, you got a little heart on that one. It didn't go exactly how I thought it would go. Good job, Cole. Good job, Heidi. Oh, that's cool. Here we need John Deez's.

1:46:45Thank you, John. You're a hero. We need heart and candy. Now, which one did you like the most? The girls are. Wow. You're a liar. Even my wife thought I was gay. You know, it's OK. Time out. Here we go. We take gold, ladies and gentlemen. And here we go. This is like the start. Back when it was, back when it was Rogan and Mike Goldberg on commentary of UFC of a main event. I like to dress up. And here we go. So take us through. We've hit gold, my friend. This is what we call a gold button. Take us through the time or what exactly your wife has described as you being gay. Just tell us about it. This is your voice, by the way. This is like what you should be actually talking about. I'm getting divorced with my wife. She thinks I'm fucking gay. The whole crowd's going to laugh because that's what they're thinking anyway. So go ahead. Take us through it. No, when we first met, uh-huh. She thought I was gay. What? OK. Because of the way I dressed and dressed.

1:47:48It was kind of dressed and just fun. Come on. Keep going. We do anything else. Seriously. She thought you were gay because. Because of the way I dressed and the way I just was. I guess I am a little flamboyant, I guess. OK. We're getting closer. Why is that? We're getting closer. This guy's going to be taken loads to the face by the end of this. He's going to be glazed like a fucking. I'm going to show him how to play if you are. Just be who you are. Yeah, no. You said no, what? She had an issue with your man's escaping? No. Oh, you meant that. No, just the way I dressed. How did you dress? Just nicer than in a leather outfit. Yeah, just the way I asked. The way you just spank yourself and you slipped your gay. Yeah, too. Stop, bro. There's nothing wrong with it, but I just, of course, it's not. We're telling you there's nothing wrong with it. Don't tell us there's nothing wrong with it.

1:48:49We're the one trying to tell you. The way you're gripping that mic stand, I mean, it is incredible. You've been holding on with the, you sat on it at one point. You didn't even notice it. So it's pointed ballet, Broadway shoes. You wouldn't, you wouldn't try it. You wouldn't try hooking up with a man. No, you would never try it. No. Are you offering? No. But what do you think would happen? What if I was? That's a good shoe from the other foot. Yeah. All right. Well, Jose, I will tell you. Yes, I did. It was crazy. The longest interview was the guy that bought my heart. It's a wacky show. Were you going to say something else? I said there's other shit besides the gay part that I think would have been more interesting. Like what? I worked at a dinosaur with dinosaur fossils. I put together a T-Rex and I tried Saturday. Did you ever put one of the bones up your ass? No. Are you sure? The T-Rex have a big cock.

1:49:51No, we didn't have that. One in the pink, two in the extinct. That's a good one. That's a good one. All right. Even though your set was terrible, your interview was completely compelling. Jose Manuel Sistneros. Thank you. One of the top young rising gay comedians in the world. And I don't care what he says. But Tony, he caught that out of the air. He might be straight. But he caught it with his mouth. So for the viewers at home that are just listening. All right. Your final bucket pull up the night ladies and gentlemen goes by the name of Kate Shelton, everybody. Here comes Kate Shelton. Hi, all doing. I was talking to my liberal friend the other day. He was telling me black people can't be racist. It's like a power structure thing. There's like layers to it and all. Which I thought was pretty wild. I thought we were done telling black people what they can't do. I mean, I don't engage in that activity.

1:50:52Every time I see my black friends, I'm like, dude, you could be as racist as you fucking put your mind to. Don't listen to these gay nerds. Don't fucking do it. All right. No, but I'm happy for black guys. It kind of have the Mario star for racism right now. They could run through walls. They could do whatever the fuck they want. They can go in a 7-11 right now. Roll their eyes and nobody says shit. They used to be us. Is this what it's like to have your things stolen? You know what I mean? Well, we were stealing jazz and rock and roll. We never thought that they would double back for racism. You know what I mean? We didn't even think they'd lock it up. You know? We didn't even think they'd put racism behind like that. Plastic berry. He lifted it up and fucking goes, beep. We didn't put racism behind that. Now, but racism's a hot commodity these days. I can tell because that's where the only fans' girls go. They pivot to right-wing grifter. Now, the pussy picks to work out. It's time to break out the hard-ar. Which is wild to me. You know, Kate Shelton.

1:51:54Yeah. My money's hard. Yeah, it really is. Yeah, it really is. I was laughing the whole set, but I was laughing at stuff that we said about the gay guy that was my boy. I couldn't shake T-Rex. I hear a word you said, but I'm like, I can't do the room. It's all Kirk. I'm like, hey, I need to hit you. Because I had to get that bone in the ass joke. I love it. There's much more interesting things about me. I worked at a dinosaur exhibit once. This guy was pretty gay, huh? It was incredible. You really missed it. Kate, how long have you been doing stand-up? I did four or five mics. I was like, 23, eight, a big ol' bag of dicks each time. I don't know. The last comedian would have loved to have done that. Yeah. Now I'm back at, taste for it. And now I'm back at 27 with Avengers up and doing it like every day since April. OK. What made you want to come back now? Fuckin' I probably would have killed myself for then tell us more about that. Yeah. I always said I wanted to be a comedian.

1:52:56And I wasn't doing it. I was getting pretty mad at myself. I was blaming it on girlfriends at the time and shit. Yeah. It's on me, though. So now I'm doing it. I've been happier than I ever been. I bark over at Shakespeare's all the time. So usually, y'all leave this show and just like step over me. Like I'm one of the homeless people. Well, I'm like, please come see this free comedy show. None of you would have to. It happens. People have plans. People are hustling. Kate, what's interesting about your life? How old are you? I'm 27 now. Seven. OK. Schumall man was a drinker. Yep. Yeah, he had a drinking problem. But he solved that shit because he's not here anymore. Yeah. That's when you're drinking problem turns into the solution to all your problems. So what happened? He just went to the hardest he could and then he kind of checked out. He died. OK. OK. Hey, that's like the manliest thing you can do in life is drink yourself to death. That's like some John Wayne shit, second amendment, monster truck kind of thing. Or raise a family and some kids.

1:53:56No, no, no. This is way of manly. But his favorite drink was vodka cranberry. Interesting. So I mean, technically, he did go out like a bitch. Like if we're being technical. I think he's pretty close to figuring this out. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The locking up racism thing, that's like pretty close to hitting a bit. Yeah, it's pretty close to a bit. My black friends like you, but you know, what are you going to do? You were, they're going to deny it, but you were making the band laugh. Hey, how many black friends? And they were ready to riot during the gay guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, how many black friends? Probably a little less now. OK, probably just lost a couple of the. Where do you make these black friends at? Just at a curiosity. You seem like you'd have no black friends at this surprise. But you're dad's the happiest guy in the family. Nah, he was. He was cool, dude. Nah, he just made them at comedy clubs. You know, I got a lot of black comic friends. I actually got pulled over with one of them. And he was mad at me. I was getting a little lippy with the cop. Were you driving? Yeah, that's why I was getting a lippy man. I was like, I'm white. I can handle this.

1:54:57Like, wow. Let me do the talking. You seem like you get stressed out before you shake their hands. Yeah, I'm fucking scared to shitless right now. I ain't going to lie to you, bobo. I'm fucking. I was pretty scared to come up here. I just meant more about just doing black eye handshakes. Yeah. I got handshakes. I got that all day. I do the snap and everything. I've been ingratiated. You do? It's the whole thing. Really? Yeah. What do you think is the blackest thing about you? I have a beat up Toyota. He's dead, dad. Yeah. Beat up Nexon. No college degree. That's pretty black. Oh, man. What the fuck? You know, Carl, a pretty good blunt. OK. Pretty black. Works for Shakespeare. I work for Shakespeare's. Yeah. Very inside reference. For Shakespeare's. It's a bar. All that. Giant hog, obviously. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like to do special, but I love the dash. Oh, thanks. It's on YouTube. It's not really a big deal, right? Kate, you close with Mom? What's up? You close with Mom? Oh, yes. She's the best.

1:55:57She's probably going to see this show all her people in the Facebook group. The Facebook group fucking hates you because you almost got Trump not elected. No. Yeah, dude. No. That's just wrong. I didn't get him not. I know, but they they they just where you almost got common, little elected. They're like, who's this fucking twink doing this? It's so weird. It's so funny that there's it's so funny that there's still conservatives out there that believe the mainstream news. There's such a small group in your mom's. They're all Facebook. Yeah. Yeah. That's like the market for conservatives. That's dating place ever. Yeah. Yeah. Facebook dating. Tell Mom that she's got she's got her heart in the right place. She's wrong about me. Yeah. She's the president of the United States would disagree with her. Yeah. My mom's kind of like a quiet racist. You know, she's not one to yell. She's more like, you know, there's black people in it. Yeah, quiet. We all are. Oh, she's just kidding. Okay, there goes Kate Shelton, everybody. There you go. There goes Kate, everyone. Rough night of bucket polls, man. I don't know what's going on. That Shakespeare's next door.

1:56:58Maybe the buckets just rough tonight. Who knows. But we got through it. We did. We had a golden tick a winner, Tony Puparoni with his second ever appearance. Everything else was rough. The only big joke book was given to a man who's definitely gay. But you never know what's going to happen on Killtoni. That's a mix the crazy episodes. That much crazy. You're the one good thing that we can count on is that we have an absolute anchor to end this show. He is a gift from the comedy gods, ladies and gentlemen. Every single week he writes and performs a brand new minute that absolutely boggles our minds. We are all really big fans. We get to sit back and enjoy the stylings of a brand new set from one of the all-time greatest regulars in the history of the show, the real deal, the anomaly. This is Pat O'Neil, ladies and gentlemen. There's something I need to get off my chest.

1:58:04Hooker poop. So, let's get the show on the road and try to get home. Get a wash off. Let me ask you right in the front. Ask the difference between crypto currency and monopoly money. You can't pay a blind hooker in crypto. That's right. Go to answer. Halloween around the corner. That special time of year you're allowed to say spook. You can't give candy to kids. It's like the purge for racist pedophiles. You ever notice how many whores go as themselves for Halloween? What's going on with that? No holiday spirit.

1:59:06Apple bobbing season. My favorite time to deep throw to fruit. Okay, that is an up for me. Thank you. The great Pat O'Neil. We're going to be having us with this seasonal Halloween material. This is like the pumpkin spice latte of Pat O'Neil. I've got some coming for Christmas too. We can't wait. I bet there's some Thanksgiving stuff up those sleeves. Yeah, maybe one. Was there some costumes from past Halloween that you were memorable? I believe I was a pirate one year. That would be great. It's a very drunk pirate in college back in the day. Yeah. The great Tim Butterley. I wish you could buy like a $200 Pat O'Neil. It'll put on your lawn at home depot. I really fuck with the kids in your neighborhood. Bugs. It could be available at killmerch.com next season.

2:00:13Who knows? That sounds amazing. The Shepherd's Zone is going to be huge in Mississippi. There was a real racist theme. Well, there was a lot of attempts. I like you. You're fascinating to me. Kind of like a bobblehead on crack. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you, friend. Funny. Yeah, he is an absolute machine every single week. It's just so fun to find. I think one of the real charms is when he pumps one of these jokes out and I love every single one of them. And it looks like the machine almost gets overwhelmed that he's like. Yeah. Seem coming out. There's needles moving. It's like a herb. Stay blunt. Are the others the next most racist thing you've ever heard? Are the other O'Neil's kind of wacky? Are you the, are you just the, are you the sea monkey out of the whole bunch? Like are you sure family wacky? Or that I like to think on the wacky one.

2:01:15Yeah. Yeah. So I bet you really stand out. Do you have brothers and sisters? That is one brother. Right. Yeah. I bet he's a normal guy, isn't he? Yeah. He just says like a tech job or something? Yeah. Actually, I don't know. You don't even know what he does. He moves furniture. Yeah. Yeah. You don't even have enough time to pay attention. You're no writing jokes and fucking hustling at night. Right. The brother is just going to have to figure it out. They're mostly alcoholics. Right. The O'Neil's. Yeah. Yeah. I just picture like an Adam's family of wacky t-shirts and like a dark mansion. It is. It is something. Because it is just like a forehead crawling around on the table or thing. Is Halloween your favorite time? Absolutely. Yeah, I see it. Yeah. Yeah. There's no doubt about it. We're going to be all celebrating it together, assuredly, as we all do here in the Killtony family.

2:02:16We always hang out on a holiday. A lot of people don't know that. We will also be in Vegas in mid-November, two nights in a row. And New Year's Eve. You'll be doing another arena. Here in Austin at the Moody Center. Pat O'Neil, there's nothing more I can say that I haven't said before. You are absolutely fucking stupid. I get done it. Truly one of my favorite comedians in the world who also happens to be a regular on this show. That is the great Pat O'Neil ladies and gentlemen. Guys, how loud can we get for my amazing panel tonight? The great Kirk Box, ladies and gentlemen. Go watch season two of the lowdown on FX with him, Ethan Hawke, Tommy Lee Jones. One more time for the great Tim Butterley ladies and gentlemen. Come on, 30 minutes with Tim Butterley. The Tim Butterley show and he's on tour at Tim Butterley.com. One more time for the best Tim Van the Land, huh? Right now, check out my new autistic song, Dino Train, Cap Red Music on YouTube. We love you guys. God bless this audience and God bless the United States of America.

2:03:19Thank you so much. Good night everyone. You You

2:04:37You