Stavros Halkias Returns Again

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2:03Tom Cruise is. Digger, don't us into this mess. And Digger is gonna dig us out. Something director of Birdman and the Revenant. What would happen if I stopped doing it? You stole it! You freeze the deck, that's what! With great power, comes great deniability. I'm not the Earth Daddy. Digger, see the tree long enough. Only in the years of October 2nd, rated R. Under 17, I'm in with Outperred. Wave. Maybe Ginger and Scary would like me. Maybe I could be friends. Maybe they could be my girlfriends at the same time. Yeah, those were my desires. Two Spice Girls. The Dream. Dude. Could you imagine anything better than your girlfriends or Ginger's place and Scary's place? Yeah, if they were boys. All right, put yourself in my shoes. Yeah. And when we start recording, we can start talking about it. But have you thought about the conversion therapy brochures I've been sending you? I have considered them. I think my big issue with them was how many you've sent?

3:05Yeah, I mean the volume of them. Yeah, and I am losing a lot of money on stamps. But I think it's important you physically see how much I think this is important for you. Yeah, because as I can send emails, those will go to the spam. Yes. But if I send you a postcard from Camp Not Gay anymore every week. I also don't love the name. I don't know. I think it's clear concise to the point. You know, I think it's not gay anymore. Maybe a little mad. I was like, if you're trying to attract gay people, the marketing is going to have to at least slick. No joke. Actually, we would be geniuses if we started a gay resort that was the theme was conversion camp. And it was like, it was like, you guys, everybody in your bunks, no gay stuff. And then you're secretly in the dark, suck it and fucking you know so much about gay guys. You know so much about gay guys. Because I have constantly thought like, look, in the next three to seven years when they do round of course, of course, put us in conversion camps mandatory. No, we've talked about this. This is going to be far so hot. So we've discussed this, but we've never harnessed the power of it.

4:07Right. We me and you go and find a plot of land upstate. Yes. And we we create Camp Not Gay anymore. Yeah. And I think we're printing money, dude. Yeah, all the guards are in like sexy leather out. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they're all dressed like Tom's of Finland, you know. It's like that everyone that we're straight. Yeah, it's clearly the gayest guys. It's just butch gay guys. Yeah. And that, you know, and that's the thing. It's like you suck each other off. But also if you're really good counselor, maybe you get to suck the count, the or camp where you get to suck the counselors off. Well, maybe that's like one of the tests. Is there like we want to make sure this is working. Right, right. The guards are going to fuck you when you're not allowed to like. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're not, you got to. Yeah, well, you're getting your ass fucks. It's a really good idea, so it would make a lot of money. The only issue you're going to come up with, you're going to come up against an issue that a lot of gay guys in New York have been dealing with for years, which is where are you going to find these tops? Ooh. Where are you going to find these alleged tops? Oh, so this is a big problem, huh? There's a top shortage in the gay guy community. Get the fuck out of here. I know. Really? Yeah. Wait, so more guys are bottoms and tops. It's not a 50-50 situation. It's not 50-50 at all.

5:08What are the percentages? Gotta be 90%. No. Gotta be 90% bottoms 10%. Really? Yeah. Okay. Is this how we fix the male loneliness crisis? Hello. We tell guys, listen, we get pussy's your number one choice. Could we interest you? Could we interest you at some bussy? In a more used model. In a... That comes in a day, some lower cost. Yeah, cheaper. Yeah. Handles great. Handles great. Right, it's like a dream. Oh, this is interesting. What if we could, okay, tell me. There's gotta be guys who are like, you know, a little like mostly straight bisexual guys. What if we make a real push? It's kind of like in the Olympics, when a team, like Greece in the 2004 Olympics, we didn't have baseball players, right? Because it's not in Greece, that's not their sport. So they went to like Greek Americans, they're like, hey, we'll get you your Greek passport. Huge. What if we get some mostly straight guys that are gay passport and they can become tops? This is already not the day anymore. Do you know how I'm not kidding you? And it's a summer job, by the way.

6:09That's how we pitch it. It's like, fellas, this is like, what are you gonna do porn? Just for the summer. For the summer, folks, some guys in the ass, get your dicks up. They're gonna be awesome. It's gonna be amazing. And by the way, you might find out those percentages are a little more gay or than straight. Yeah. A couple of those guys might just end up finding their husband and can't not gay anymore. The can not gay anymore. There's a bug on me. There are a lot of straight guys that are on Grindr, just being like, uh, they're, they're bio, that's like no face picture. Right. There's a bot, a torso pic. And their bio is like, cause the only thing I do is fuck. This is a great job for a closeted guy. Yes. You want to get away from your bitch wife. Come back. Come back. Come back. Take them. Take them. Come back. Come back. Take them. Take them. Those fellows aren't asking why you're out playing late. Playing car sling? They don't give a fudge. They just want a second wife and send you on your way. Yeah. Okay. I think we're fucking on to something. I think 20 seconds ago is when I think you got too comfortable. I'm always, I'm always looking. I exist, I exist too comfortable. I'm always looking for the moment when I'm like, okay.

7:11Oh, this is me just getting started. Yeah, you're way too comfortable with gay, and I'd say you're probably 40 pounds from me starting to watch some of the fat comments as well. Oh, interesting. If you lose about 40 more and I should hold off. First of all, 40 more, I would wait 240. Okay, I'm 5'7". I could lose 100 pounds and still look fat. That's the kind of my skill. Is that at any weight, I looked just fat, like just fat as shit. I was 350 and I looked bad, but I didn't. No, you didn't. Like 350, I didn't. Don't say that, no, you didn't. 3.75 and I did motherfucker. You did. You did. You were hot. The beautiful women were throwing themselves at you. I've never understood it. I know that was tough. But you were a beautiful girl. So bad for them. I never thought girls that fuck me at 350. You think my dick doesn't work now. Yeah, you brought this up. You brought this up. I mean, actually we're good now. My cock's actually... You're dick singing nice. Okay. But at 350? She's humming. Yeah. Oh, that's my... Before I was like...

8:11No. They liked you at 350, but the same reason they like you now. You're a handsome guy with a good personality. I was handsome. But... Yeah, yeah. I was able to fake the good personality long enough. And then I busted, I was like, yeah, I got an early day in the row. Yeah, so you should probably get going. I got a podcast. I'm going to pitch gay camp to my friend, Kale tomorrow. No, you know my life's long journey if I have one is to get you to settle down with a nice... I know that. And we'll get there, man. We're actually the closest we've ever been. The last time I was here, the studio looked like shit and I was bad. Studio didn't look like completely shit. It was a fucking blank, fucking blue wall. It didn't look like crazy. Who did you bring over to test out the lights, stops. It looks like potential. Yeah, it was a personal one for the whole time. Anyway, and I was depressed, the studio, the studio, my psyche, were in the same situation. Right? Now it's beautiful here and I'm doing a lot better. Yeah. The special Uncle Stav, please watch it, everybody on Netflix.

9:12I've worked very hard on it. It's kind of what I've been working on the last three years. When that motherfucker's out and I'm done promoting it, I'm ready to find the wife. When are you going to be done promoting it? Probably like the end of September. Okay. I'm going to be your, listen, you set me up on some cute, a thumbnail dates with some beautiful women. I'm listening. I'm playing project manager. Why not? You just fucking said it's your lifelong fucking goal. I know, but I didn't know that that's what it was going to involve. I thought it was just kind of bringing it up on podcast every seven months. I didn't know I was actually going to have to put girls on fire. I'm trying to make you, I'm trying to make you generation of wealth with camp not gaining more. And you won't even set me up with a couple girls, dude. Would you cut me in, would you cut me in on like, if I found your wife for you, would you cut me in on some of the podcast profits or something? Oh, interesting. A little bit back for the king. Every bit I do about my, in 10 years when I inevitably turn into like a, my wife won't even blow me anymore. Comics, you get a piece of that. You get 10 points on the back end of those jokes. Just a little taste for the boss.

10:12Yeah. No, no, no, no, it would not be you, you are not the boss. I'm the boss. I'm the boss. I find the girl. No, you're an affiliate who I'm kicking a little of my profits over to. A little taste for the coffee. You're kind, you're basic, you're basically in good fellows, you're Ray Leota. Sure. You know, you're not made, right? Yeah. You're not in this kid situation. I'm not scared. I know, I'm scared to say shit like this to you because I know what it's going to do. I want you to bring in those. That's good. Then you'll love good fellows. Okay. And you'll love good fellows. It's so fucking good. Was there like multiple of them? There's one good fellows. Oh, I thought there was multiple. No, dude, it's an incredible movie. What's there multiple of? A lot of stuff. Smart face. I don't know how to answer that question. Scarface. What is there multiple of? No, there's one. There's one of Italian guy movies have multiples. The Godfather. That's how from Missouri, you are, you're found a way to be racist towards Italians. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. Get him out of here. Yeah. No, you would love it.

11:13What about Scorsese stuff in general? Scorsese stuff in general. Name a couple. Mean streets, taxi driver. What a banger. Taxi driver. Okay, this is awesome. This is a fun game. Name some of your members. And then you go next after me. Adele albums. Adele, how many of you tapped in on Full Through, Page to Pay cover? Cover to cover. Probably zero. See, that's fucked up. She's like, I've hit a couple of them. She's a generational vocal talent. She is a really great talent. And she's an incredible performer. I can't wait. I would love to see her. And let's not forget that picture of her with the fucking braids. Like the Trinidad. No, just hilarious. It actually, it did less than zero for me. I do think she's a beautiful woman. Say you're like that. I was like, Oh, yeah, it's white woman embarrassment. Can really paper over thinking your heart. She had like, band two knots in. Yeah, it was a tough look. It really shouldn't be doing it. It was a really tough look. And it's like, listen, you need to do this from the privacy of your own home. What you do in your mansion. You're rich, Paul, are up to. I don't care. I don't care what you,

12:13but like this is not appropriate for people. Shouldn't see this. It was definitely private situation. Yeah, it was a private situation. And we saw it. And you never want to see your heroes like that. And she was so happy. You do that was the toughest part. She was having a time for a ride. She was having a time for a ride. But we don't have to dwell on it. I'm a big Adele fan, you know, great, great pipes on that gal. You got to, oh, you got to wonder how many co-sign she got from the right people before she allowed that picture to be taken. That's a really good. You got to think a lot of people that she trusted were like, you're good. You look great. The closest people in her life let her down. Where are those? Yeah, absolutely. We got you, but she's bounced back. Yeah, she's doing good. Oh, she's chilling. She's hanging out as far as I know. Yeah. Where does I know nothing going on? She's certainly not putting out a new record. That's okay. Maybe in time. It hasn't been so long since the last one. Yeah, how long has it been? What, that came out the most recent album all night parking album came out. What, like three years ago? Four years ago? No, wow, yeah. I think 2021. 2021, wow, it's been some time. Five. So we're ready. We're ready. We're ready. We're ready.

13:14See? Oh, he's excited. Oh, great. There's more. It's scary. They're like four chemists. Aren't we, George? No, these guys still don't. Get in. We are going to be told that we'reoulders. würjdallout is pretty much an agent right in front of him. When we were all passed by one of you who complained about the current world during the World War II, they really do they've been actively backgrounds in a way that's going forward so They have been delayed so far in every way. I'm feeling really hot here to help get Girl Dollars多 Arm fixed arm fixed flex. What even happened you like fucking I fell off your shelter. I did. Yeah, I fell off the scooter trying to get a low calorie ice cream before it melted. It was my groceries were delivered while I was doing an errand. Oh, that's what I get for having low calories. You give a low calorie ice cream. Sure have the good stuff. You're we're in a we're in a platonic feeder relationship. You just want to keep me fucking fat. I want to keep you being. Yeah. I can't listen way too. You think I like it. It's making me what's going on with you. What about me? What were you just active or you like what's going on?

14:15How are you losing the weight because you keep saying it's a mistake. And that's actually what I don't believe you don't believe it's a mistake. I think you're doing something and you won't admit it. You're ashamed to you. It's way you are you are much you are ashamed that you are losing weight and kind of like it. It's really this is that this is what I think you in in one part of you does. Like earlier when I said I was three 15 year like you were beautiful. That was a little of the lady doth protest too much. You were hot at three 50 you don't believe that I thought you were hot. I think I think I do think this my stats at five seven three 50 on paper. I do think I was the best other than like a bottle like I don't know some fighter or something. I think fat guy at that at that weight. I held it well to a nice beautiful round. The way people are like if you have a nice shaped head when you shave your head. It's nice. If you have a nice even circle. Yeah. As a fat guy. It's a good. If you don't have droop if you don't have like one weird thing here. You know I was a fear dude. I was a perfect you don't you don't believe that I find fat people attractive. Oh, I think you do. Okay. I think but I think you also here's what it is.

15:18Because I'm with you. I also find fat people attractive. But I will also admit non fat people are also attracted. Non fat people are also attractive. So I'm going to also admit that's like that's the standard thing that I'm going out on it. Not here. It's not. I have to enter the twisted logic of the so true. I have to. I have to fucking debate you in here. And so I think it's fine for you to admit. Hey, I kind of it's not a problem to lose a little weight. I think I have a genuinely mostly neutral feelings about it. But what you want to allow yourself to feel even up positive. That's what I'm saying. You think you have to stay neutral about. I here's the issue. The reason I have I feel lucky to have mostly neutral feelings about it. Yes. Because the feelings I would have would be negative. I see you don't want self hate. There are people acting like I'm attractive for the first time because I've lost some weight. There are people saying things in my comments that I don't think they should be saying. No, that's I agree with you there. I'm like, I actually genuinely liked myself and thought I was hot 80 pounds ago.

16:19And you were exactly. And so it bothers me that people don't agree with that. I think that's fair. Yeah. I do think you're hot. I do however have come from the Monique School of Thought, which is she has that great bit where she's like, I think fat men are so sexy. I'm not going to fuck them. And there you go, folks. But it's logistical. But that's where it is logistical. No, I know I have a joke about this on the bed frame. Would we be involved with? No, I have a joke on the special where it's like, I do think fat girls are hot. I just haven't dated many of them, but it's not an attraction issue. It's a geometry problem. Right. You know, I mean, I'm going to get in there. I don't have the penis for two bellies. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't have two bellies. No, no, no. I wish I did. By the way, same thing with fat asses, an insanely fat ass. That's a problem for me. Yeah. I can't breach the cheek, the cheek level sometimes. Same. You know, that's a good one. I have the money to get an industrial strength bed frame for the house. But we're not what we're just not going to go to them all to use. Or we're going to stay in separate rooms. That's a great point.

17:19That's a great point. They just got to fuck somebody else. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We can't even travel together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is true. We're going to, we could, if they would allow you to just buy three seats for two guys, that would change your life, I think. And they would, but it's not even just the seats. It's like, right, it's too much. No, I get it. It's true. And also, I would be too, do you know when you're with a fat friend, like me and my friend Doyle were in this for a long time. We're like, we would get together and be like, we would have just had a big lunch and it'd be like, we got to hit the buffet for dinner. Yeah. I can't be dating a fat guy in every night. We're being like, chillies. Right. I think I need, I think I need someone around to be. I don't know, I get worried about that heartburn. I get that. I definitely get that. You don't want, you do not want to, you know, to be completely, like, codependent with someone that likes, I mean, me and Elders essentially have been in a, in a straight fat guy gay marriage. You know what I mean? Like, like where, we just, we just, yeah, did get some ice cream. Yeah, oh ice cream. Well, one of us has to be like, we'll, we'll do it honestly, so pathetic, we'll be like,

18:20ice cream. Who shot that? We'll do that all the time. Does someone say a little treat after dinner before we watch our show? No, that's true, that is true. And I do think ultimately, I'm on a, I'm on a wave right now where it's like, you know, you can try and fix yourself as much as possible, but at a certain point, you kind of have to find the person who's fucked up in this, in the, the complimentary ways to you. So I do think probably I might end up with somebody or like dating somebody who's like, when an eating disorder cancels out, you know what I mean? Like my friend George, he was fat and he got too maniacal about it. And now he, he does have an eating disorder to like, to, in terms of health, where he's like, he's like, you know, macros guy, all this kind of shit. And but having him around, what are you so maniacal about? I just eat healthier when I'm with him versus when I'm with eldest. And I think a woman, I did in the past date a lot of girls with eating disorders by accident,

19:21because I think they were sort of like, whoa, it's kind of nice. He's like eating pizza this voraciously. You know what I mean? Like, like, it doesn't mind if I have one. No, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think that could be good for me too, where somebody who just sort of like, I could bring them to the fat side, they could bring me to the, you know, don't have for dessert side. You know what I mean? I think that'd be, yeah, that's okay. Yeah. I think the funny thing about the person, the former fat person who loses a bunch of weight and they get real like high on their, they get real high on mighty. To George is great, he's not high in mighty. No, no, I'm not talking about George. But that, that, these people definitely, these people get served to me on like Instagram real sometimes that they'll be like, they'll be like, I used to be four and a 50 pounds, I was fucking disgusting and so are you if you're that way. Right, right, right. You want to look like me and then you look at them and you're like, well, hold your horses, boss. Well, really? You are thin, but you are ugly as fuck. You look fucked up. You look bad. Yeah. So I would relax on maybe the self-righteousness and just enjoy your walks. Yeah. I started respecting myself and everything changed. You can't, too, you fat, dumb of shit. And I was like, oh, inspiring. You know, I'm anything like what? Ooh, sounds good.

20:21I don't want to do that. See, that's the kind of thing I don't want. I'm even like, even the us talking about being fat and losing weight. Sure, sure, sure. I don't want to hear anybody's fucking thoughts on it. I get that. Like, I'm talking to my buddy. I get that. But I'm like, all these people that sound off about like, wait, I'm just like, I don't care what you think. Yeah, that's fair, that is fair. I don't care what you think. Yeah. I think you look great now. I think you look great then. I think you talked to you at either time for some reason. Right, right, right, right. Yeah, me neither. And not even like, straight or fat stuff. Mostly it's about like, I don't think you treat me right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. I would fucking use you in tossing aside. I feel like you'd be on the next plane to Cleveland. You'd be just a little piece ass on my stop through the Midwest. Yeah, you fucking call me at one in the morning. And maybe like, I got to play the funny bone. Yeah. It's just, yeah. What's going on with you? Oh, yeah, what's going on with you? I would give you one of those half-heartedly. Yeah. You've been watching a while. Anyway, you want a couple of water? Yeah. Anyway, where are my manors? It's probably good to it. Yeah. Yeah. No, that's true. We won't do it.

21:22No, we'll never, this will, they won't, they'll just never happen. Well, keep it platonic. And I think that'll be beautiful. And as much as I do want you to settle down with a good woman, the idea of sending a woman in there to, you know, it kind of feels like sending peacekeepers, the UN peacekeepers into Gaza. Yeah. I feel like I'm going to give them a little journalist's best and send them to your house. Hey, just do your best. I know it's stacked against you. I know it's stacked against you. Just give the story if you can. Maybe write a note to your family before we send you. Yeah. Have your affairs in order. But I'm kind of excited because I don't feel like I've been a person for like six months. And I'm kind of like excited, just not have to do anything and see what happens. See what my brain comes up with. Are you really going to take time off? I am actually going to do it this time. Where are you going to be? Are you going to spend it in New York? I'm going to spend it in New York because it's the Falling New York. It's the best. So October, November, I have nothing. I'm going to be chilling in New York. Maybe do it. Maybe you'll stand up, but for fun. Yeah. Not working on anything.

22:22Just popping in the clubs, doing my friends shows, hanging out, going to a fucking movie. You know what I mean? Like seeing some old shit on film. We're in the best city in the world and it's in the fall. And I was going to go away, but I was like, why? Don't go away. I have, I'm in the best place to be October, November. So I'm going to go craze and then I'm going to go spend a lot of time with my family in December. And then I'll probably go away like December, January, lose some cold. That's the moon. Go to the fucking, you know, go to the beach or some shit like that. That's the move. Yeah. We're jumping in the ocean every day. Yeah. So I'm excited. I was just, there was a two week period where I'm just coming off of between L.A. and Hawaii where I was in the ocean every day. Whoa. And God, it was good sunset ocean. Holy shit. I was getting into the sunset ocean. God damn. I'm swimming in the ocean. That's what the ocean is. And my friends were sick of me. Yeah. We were in the ocean. I kept turning to them going, how lucky are we? They're going, you said that last night. Yeah, yeah. We're pretty lucky night as well. We get it. Yeah. How was Hawaii? I've never been. I've considered it. It was beautiful. I will say I tried to crack one too many jokes.

23:23I asked, I asked some of my Samo and friends. So what's like the ethical way to my property around here? I mean, it was not even met with a half-hearted one. Yeah. I go, I go, so is there an ethical way to my property around here? And they're like, no. Yeah. And I was like, cool, cool, cool. Cool. Cool, sorry about that, guys. No worries, no worries. Yeah. I said something else too. I made a joke to somebody. Yeah, I tried to do too many jokes, but it was a beautiful place. Of course. Of course. I enjoyed my visit. Well, it is people that look like you asking those questions non-ironically. Of course. You know what I mean? And it's like, it is funny because you're basically like Kansas City businessmen. Like that, that's the hardware. And you ran fun, loving gay guy software. Like you, you know what I mean? Like you should be in a three-piece suit looking to displace Hawaii, Native Hawaiians. That's what this body is meant to be. It's not meant for cute little jean shorts. It's meant for like a, you know, a pleated trouser and asking for the numbers.

24:23You know what I mean? Like that's, so they, so something about your just, there's a primal feeling. Exactly. That question coming out of your face, I think triggered fight or flight for them. Yeah. Because it is, you know, Kansas City businessmen being like, no, how could we do a deal on the ache? I know that's not what they talk like, but it feels like, no, almost noticing. Maybe we could get a deal on some of those, some of that beachfront property. Perhaps the Starbucks in the mountains there. Your sacred ground, your burial ground. Have you ever thought about putting a whole, a traitor Joe's there? I like this character for you. I like to see more of him. Southern developer? Yeah. I'd like to see a lot more of him. Yeah, yeah. I think another joke I maybe made was, I can't remember if I said this one or not, but they, you're not supposed to take stuff from the beaches. They were very, we were told like, don't take shells or driftwood from the beaches. It's very sacred to the Hawaiian people. Okay. Which I actually did know. And I think I either said or typed out and deleted.

25:24What's the rule on Babitches? I thought that'd be kind of fun. Yeah, that is fun. But you know, can I think of Babitch with me home? Yeah. If you find a bad bitch at the beach. That's a fair question. That's, come on. Is that part of the natural ecological system? Yeah, it just depends. It's fucked up. You gotta ask. Do I have to do a must I fuck the Babitch on the beach? Yeah, do we have to do it there? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do we have to do it there? Yeah. Not a lot of gay guys on Hawaii. I noticed. Why not? The density, it was very spread out. I mean, the, where I was at, it was very spread out. Colossus gay guy oftentimes was 12 miles away. Wow. It's a far distance for a gay guy to be. That's tough, yeah. Yeah, so the island was beautiful. I had some really good pokey. I enjoyed the ocean. Drew's wedding was beautiful. Absolutely stunning ceremony. Oh, that's awesome. Oh, that's awesome. You know, Hawaii beach wedding is awesome. Come on. It was gorgeous. So no gay guys though, huh? There were gay guys. They were just few and far between. I see. There were few and far between. Did you get a little fucking moped? Yeah. Go through the fucking mountains. I had to fucking journey. I had to build a like a raft and like float to a gay guy.

26:26It was crazy. Yeah. It was beautiful there. It really is gorgeous. You understand my Jack Johnson was down there. Oh, Jack Johnson's over there. Oh, yeah. I'm not up on Jack Johnson. He's down there making, he's down there making banana pancakes. It's so awesome that that's your like, wow. And you know, Jack Johnson. It's so beautiful. It even Jack Johnson couldn't resist the siren. He couldn't live anywhere. He couldn't live anywhere. No disrespect to Jack Johnson, but it's like, you didn't even start with Dave Matthews. No. I don't know where he lives. I don't know where he lives. Does Dave Matthews have any stories? Can we see George Matthews? Did he write the curious George? Jack Johnson? I don't know. I'm sorry. I'm not a fucking Jack Johnson story. I want to turn the whole world upside down. Your matter. I would like for the record your matter about this than Adele. Yeah. And let's just fucking love Jack Johnson. Yeah. His pitch was concert was amazing. Really? He played. What's his big one? Oh, he's big one. God, it'd be hard to choose. Okay. Banana pancakes. You were making a reference. I see. I see. I see. I'm waiting wishing.

27:26This is where you realize we are different types of white people. Of course. You know what I mean? This is where the Midwest versus East Coast immigrant grew up around. Jack Johnson was the my type of white kid in Missouri's rebellious response to being raised by parrots heads. Oh, that's crazy. Do you know what I mean? It's like, it's like I'm different from my parents. Right. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I mean? But I still got a toe in his waters. Where does, where does, uh, where does he live? Dave Matthews. Dave Matthews lives in Seattle, Washington. I tracks. Not as nice. It's a why you adjacent. No, it's not. People who live in Seattle and people who live in Hawaii, there's some overlap. Interesting. But it's fucking rainy. There's no beaches. It's cold. Yeah, but it's not one of the big places and it's over there and it's about the outdoors and it's nature people. I suppose. I can't. And it's sandals. Okay. All right. Sandals. I'll give you sandals. You know, Dave Matt. That was like, that was like, uh, boat shoes white guy. Yeah. There are boat shoes white guy. I don't want to be that. There's some boat shoes white guy overlap. I think, uh, I think you'd have a really nice time with the Jack Johnson.

28:28I'll check. Listen, now where I'm not as worried about fitting in and, you know, having to hide, having to hide my, the, the type of stuff I like, maybe I'll check out Jack Johnson. I went to his concert. He was playing, he was playing, he used to shoot like surfing movies. Oh, sick. He used to film like surfers and ocean footage. I mean, played a bunch of it behind him. All I played is songs. That's kind of sick. I post on my Instagram story and said, does anybody at this concert have weed? And of course, everyone does. Everyone did. But a couple of lesbians came over and gave me an edible. That's what you want. They said, we saw your Instagram story. Do you want some edibles? I said, yeah. That's the dream. Yeah. I had a hot dog. Fucking night of my life. I'm listening. Lake Street dive opened. You know, Lake Street dive. I don't. Lake Street dive. Sorry, man. I don't know what the fuck you want. Lake Street dive is good. They can sing. They're, they're, uh, they're guy on the keys. They let him every once in a while. He'll take center stage and he'll cover, um, you're still the one by tonight, and he fucking rips that song. That's a good song. Oh my god. That's a good song. Shania, I'm in on. See, here's the thing.

29:29What, honestly, what fed a lot of the stuff I liked was, could I also be horny to this? Yeah. Is it art I like and can I get horny? Yeah. Because Shania Twaino is a big fan of the Spice Girls I loved. Yeah. As a little boy, because it was both like catchy tunes. And I was like, ooh, maybe, maybe Ginger and Scary would like me. Yeah, I do. Maybe friends, maybe they could be my girlfriends at the same time. Yeah. Those were my desires. Two Spice Girls. The dream. Dude, could you imagine anything better than your girlfriends or Ginger Spice and Scary Spice? Yeah, if they were boys. Alright, put yourself in my shoes. Put yourself in my shoes. That's kind of awesome. This episode is brought to you by Hinge. Look, dating can be a goddamn nightmare. It can be a daunting and difficult thing to navigate. But thankfully, our friends at Hinge are here to help. Hinge is the dating app designed to be, you guessed it, deleted. It's for people dating with intention. Going on dates, putting themselves out there.

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33:36Search what not WHAT, NOT in the app stores, sign up and start finding the best deals on the products you love with $20 off your first purchase terms applied. How did you, okay, football team? I'm in. How did you feel? Like, did you feel like confident and cool and tough on the football team where you're like, I kind of don't belong here. No, no, I felt confident. I loved it. I was good at being a nose tackle and I also liked being on the football team. I quit my senior year because they got a new coach who worked too hard. I was like, fuck, it would have been cool to play football in my senior year, I guess. But ultimately what I liked was, it was like, because it was so much of my identity too, football was also forbidden for me because my parents were smart and were like, you'll get fucking brain damage if you play this barbaric American sport. They did not grow up with football at all. My dad thought it was fucking stupid. The only reason I was allowed to play football was because while I was playing soccer, I don't

34:37know if I told you this, our coach gave a child pornography. Not in a molesting way and I like, dude, I'm a cool man. Check this shit out. Yeah. And like, cool older, pathetic older brother trying to win over, you know, anyway, so he got busted and I had eligibility. He, I think he just got fired, unfortunately. I don't think he went to jail. I think it was more of a, like, let's sweep this under the rug. Yeah. You weren't trying to fucking right? And he's like, no. No. Yeah. You're like, it wasn't a molesting way. I'm like, I think it had to have been. Okay. I don't think it was because hilariously, I knew this guy. This is actually, there's levels to the story. He used to be a deacon at my church and he tried to steal, but hold on, I can't get any further away from him. Gregor, that I church, you're allowed to get pussy. The Catholics are the ones that sort of started the No Wives rule and, you know, I'm not, I think that was a bad bit of social engineering personally. I think we see what it led to, but anyway, this guy got caught raw. He tried to do an ocean's 11 and him and a guy robbed of the church after like Holy

35:42Week when it had the most dollar bills and the tithe. Yeah. And he got arrested and I also knew that, and I guess I don't know why they didn't do a background check on this guy. So I actually had blackmail on this guy. And so I knew this guy was a criminal and I knew he would never pass a background check. And so I guess the school just didn't do one. And so when he gave out the porn, then they did a background check and they just immediately fired him. I love you. I know he didn't want to molest this kid. He was a thief. He was also a different type of even of depraved criminal. We stole from the church. I don't want to find a kid. I don't want to get fired. I don't want to find a kid. I don't want to find a kid. I don't want to find a kid. I don't want to find a kid. Alright, I just, I'm sorry, Caleb. I understand. I understand it my logic when put that way does not track, but I guess, yeah, okay. I know sure. Yeah, I guess you stole from the church and Fox. And he was trying to get fired up by a kid. Alright, come on, dude. That's two different types of criminals. You don't really hear too many heist molesters. No, it's one or the other. Usually you have your one thrill.

36:43Danny Ocean didn't fuck any kids. Yeah, you know what I mean? He didn't need to. He didn't need to be stealing. The stealing was the thrill. And he liked, you know, it was Julia Roberts. He was kind of. Well, he was. He was the best enough with her. Yeah. Of course. So you see in the oceans, movies. Of course. You think I haven't seen something Julia Roberts has involved in? That's a good point. They put Julia on something they know I'll show you. You're in there. Yeah, it's like when you put a book, you put a block of cheese under a box with a stick holding on. That's what Julia Roberts and movies. I love that. I see the stick in the box and I go, the stick's going to fall and I'm going to be trapped in the box. Yeah, I will. I run in there anyway. Well, yeah, I've seen hook. I've seen her with the pixie cut. I love the pixie cut. I saw non-binary Julia Roberts. I wouldn't go that far. She looks non-binary in that movie. You think so? I'm not sure if Julia Roberts is a book. Let's pull up. Yeah, let's pull it up. Pull up Julia Roberts, David and Hook performance. You know, I haven't seen it in a while. I wonder if her attitude is also there. She was given FTM boots. Well, she was, she was really, oh, you know what? I take them back. I take it all the way, the fuck back.

37:44FTM boots. Damn. That is actually maybe, tell me someone like the most non-binary haircut I've ever seen in my life. You've gotten a latte from that per 100%. It was delicious. Of course. You go of oat milk to freshly ground coffee was just right. That person has given you the best latte of your life and they're playing kickass music. You know, absolutely. They have some deep cuts. I'm not far left one, chance. Bring them home. Wow. Is this Hollywood star, like, you know, we talk about the gay agenda. We don't talk about the non-binary agenda. Then it wants you to. Was this Hollywood sneaking in, making, making us horny to the non-binary? Because I remember having a huge crush on pixie cut, tinkerbell, Julia Roberts. But I think maybe it got, it also got mixed up with regular tinkerbell. Maybe I put some of tinkerbell's attitude into hot Julia Roberts. It's just an interesting question to pose and ponder. I think she's just a beautiful woman with short hair. It's probably, it's probably what you were going through.

38:44I'm just saying, I'm asking questions. Is that so fucking much to do? No, what's interesting is, is that so illegal? Is that so illegal to ask questions? Yeah, probably. What year was this? 90 what? 92, 93. In that year. Anyway, not one yet. I don't know. Hook up hook year. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Welcome through it. Welcome through it. Hook year on Google Images. Yeah, make sure it's an image. Probably not images, I would say. 91. 91. Yeah. That film is old. But what's interesting is before we had woke, we used to have really, really gay and queer stars. And we had to have a gay star. Because no one was even thinking about it. No, I mean, who the fuck taught Republicans about themes? Yeah. You know what I mean? Who the fuck, who the fuck taught them about critical media studies? Yeah. It's like, they used to love gay shit and not realize it. Yeah. It's like, Liberace, people thought Liberace was straight. Yeah. The most homophobic guy of all time played Liberace to relax before fucking, you know, having horrific sex with his wife.

39:45He just likes his song. Yeah, he just, it's like, why did we have to, why did we teach that, why did we teach them fucking media, you know, like, no, we messed up. We really messed up. Because they were enjoying gay stuff as much as we were. Absolutely. We were all enjoying gay subtext. I also think probably, here's a, here's a theory I have to is that kind of, it kind of ties into our closeted like secret gay sex theory. Yeah. I think Parade used to be so much better in like the 30s, 40s and 50s because of how many closeted gay guys. This was their one opportunity to be really creative. It was the church choir. It was the church choir. It was the two times easier. You got to be like, for God or the country, I'm doing costumes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have to do drag for Easter. It's called patronism. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, now you can just do drag. So yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. I do think Parades were awesome in the 50s because of how many closeted guys had to put all their effort. I don't think about 50s parades, I'm warning. I feel like they were, I mean, I don't either. I just feel like they were. You just have a feeling. I just have a feeling because it's like, you know, everything, you, there's no other way

40:47to really celebrate. This is actually just making me think right now that you and I should have a joint float in the Macy's day. Oh my God, I would love that. For Stavis world and so true. I would love that. And it's just too huge. Like, we should make huge hilarious paper macheuses round as fuck and have them talking into giant microphones. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and we're doing a live pod while the float is going. We're doing, we're just like talking to the world. It's fucking cold out here for this. It's fucking cold. I want pumpkin pie. Yeah, we're doing, we're doing fuck Mary Kiel, the turkey. It's just blasting out. Yeah, yeah. It's as we go down the street. The turkey. I guess I don't know who it is, but I think we probably end up killing the pilgrims in the traditional, totally in the traditional. That's the way that you and I would land on stuff. Yeah. You, you fuck the turkey, which means eat it. Yeah. Right? Sure. I think in this case. Yeah, and then you marry the Native Americans. Was an interesting look into your psyche, by the way. Hahaha. Always that connected. You, who is that unfortunately very connected. You fuck the turkey, which of course means you have a beautiful meal.

41:49Hahaha. Huh. I'm not prepared to do all the math, but I'm certain that the numbers need to be stacked up and have a line underneath them. I know, I know the equation should happen. No, it is fucked up how much I'm like, dude, I just, I just got the five sex. I should have a delicious treat on top of it. You know what I mean? Or damn, I don't have sex right now. I guess I'll settle for a delicious student. Yeah, but either way the treats being ingested. The treats being ingested. We can do that math right now. Are you on treats right now? Yeah. You're doing treats? I'm unfortunately, I like, I've settled into, I figured out the rhythm to beat GLP ones. Yeah. I figured it out where it's sort of like, you were playing like a stealth video game. Yeah. And you have to like break, like let's say, Metal Gear Solid. Yeah. And you have to like dart across a hallway when the guard has its back turned. Yeah. The sixth day of a GLP one shot, the warden turns his back. Hahaha. And you have like a 12 hour window to be like, and I'm going nuts. I'm going nuts on it.

42:51Yeah. Why are you on it? Because if I wasn't on it this year, I would have, I guy would have gotten back to 350. Really? I fucked my back up really bad and I haven't been able to exercise and I've been really stressed. Yeah. And so yeah, I've been stress eating. I've actually even less, I've been having less fun than usual. I wasn't even like being a little slutty boy as much. But yeah, I just like, I needed to, I knew if left to my own devices this last year, I would have completely food relapsed. And so I'm on it. But yeah, I am pushing the drugs to their limit. I am their most respected opponent. Yeah. They are beating me, but it's, like I say in the special two, every series, every series goes seven games between me and GLP once. GLP once. Yeah. Yeah. It's funny the number of fat people that have come to me hat in hand and like kind of asked me like the dawn's permission to get on a GLP one. Oh, that's so fucking amazing. And I really don't care what people do. I have the one thing with me in GLP ones. I don't know if I've said this on the show or not. I've said a lot in my life. So far is I don't care what anyone does, take the GLP ones.

43:53I don't, it doesn't matter to me. Don't call it a miracle drug. It's not a miracle. Interesting. It's not a miracle. It has side effects. Yeah. It is a drug. Miracle drug pisses me off. What are you seven? Yeah, yeah. It's not a miracle. Well, I mean, I think every drug is a miracle actually. No. It feels the miracle drug, bro. You can get liver cancer from it. Can you? The side effects of GLP ones are like liver cancer, gallstones, and blindness. That's the fuck up. Now this fucking guy knows how to read a scientific study all of a sudden. He survives. No. Mr. Jack Johnson is fucking settling in and reading the book. Jack's not on the GLP one. He's always been very thin. Jack's on island time, brother. My whole point is my life I've taken every drug anyway. Have I ever looked at what Whipitch does to you? Have I ever done the research on salvia or 200 milligrams of weed? It's a great argument. No. This is my argument about the vaccine to us. I was like, I don't give a fuck. If someone has drugs, I just do the drugs. If you tell me it might help my life, I do it. That's not about GLP ones.

44:55Oh, have you ever read the studies on Molly? You know what I mean? Like, it's a great argument. It also tracks with the difference between us because I don't do drugs. And I'm like this about everything. Oh, I see. So I think it actually is a really nice point. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a really nice question. Are you someone who thinks about what goes into your body or not? Pussy! Pussy! Pussy! Yeah. And I am. No, actually, gay guys love putting stuff into their body. That's true. They love party drugs. I mean, you want to talk about at the forefront of party drugs. Gay guys are doing it. So they're innovating in the space constantly. Absolutely. I am very scared of drugs. Interesting. All of them. I just, my, I have about to have this tonsilectomy. Uh-huh. And I told the doctor was like, we're going to send you home with oxy. And I was like, I'm not going to take it until I have to. I'm very scared of drugs. Have you ever had a pill problem? No, but I grew up in Missouri. Right. So it's in the trailer, trailer living. It's in there. And also there was just a series of like five years where like, on a quaint and so weak die from the pill problems. No, I mean, that's why I didn't take pills this year.

45:55Uh, because I fucked my back up, broke my arm and I've just been living off edibles. Yeah. But it got to like, I was taking like 200 milligrams at a certain point. 200 milligrams a what? Day? Yeah. It got that bad. I'm back to like 70. I'm back to like, I've knocked it down to like, that's where my tolerance is, but I have to get off them at some point. Yeah. Will you ever have a little drug experimentation phase of your life, do you think? For what reason? What's fun? For whimsy? I have a lot of whimsy in my life. I'm just saying mushrooms? No. I doubt it. Why? Why would I? I don't need. I might have a good time. You're frallicking, right? Picture me frallicking. You're frallicking. Yeah. You're with, you know, a cabal of lesbians. Yeah. You guys are having a wonderful time. Yeah. There's a video. I'm like, how do we convince them to come out? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

46:55Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes when they think they've begun to work, take their profile down and what's happened, pay attention to compassion, because that's going to happen and be lying to a cat. Right. It's going to happen. But how can we help something? Why, look at that. What can we do on with 500 million? Now this kind of thing. They're never gonna say something mean about your body. You don't have to worry about if they wanna fall cute. You don't wanna fall in. But that's the thing. But that's the thing that you want and is in trouble. You might, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You might be letting go of that car heart working progress. Yeah. Work jacket. Do not even think about bringing overalls to it. Yeah, the overalls are going first. Yeah, you might lose that nice, that smart watch you brought it. Yes.

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52:03Has got to be the signals feature which allows you to see what profiles thoughtfully engage with their matches. I mean, who doesn't love thoughtful engagement? For anyone who might need a little assistance when it comes to making their profile pop, hinge is just released. Their new friends take feature that lets you invite the people who know you best to contribute short, authentic reflections directly to your profile via text voice video and photos. Chance, why don't you give them a reflection for me for my hinge profile for you? Yeah, well, give them a you know me best, give them a reflection of me. Oh, wow. Great smile and he always picks up the check. That's actually yeah, that's actually really nice. We actually Nicole clip that's me. Next time you're looking to make a connection, do us a favor and give him to try. Whenever fall comes back around, it always feels like a fresh start. This year, I've been layering in some styles from the new Lou Lemmon fall drop because the weather is shifting and I find I have to be ready for the entire day and not just one part of it.

53:04Lou Lemmon's fall line has some really versatile transitional pieces so I can just wake up, throw on a matching set, add a jacket or a fleece and head out knowing that I'll feel comfortable enough to go wherever the day takes me. Check out the new fall arrivals in store and online now at loulemmon.com. Mr. President, my company told me of the explosion I'm not re-agg on October 2nd causing massive water displacement and triggering a tsunami. They all heat the blame all me. Tom Cruise is. Digger Donner Center this mess and Digger is gonna dig us up. Something director of Birdman and the Revenant. What would happen if I stopped moving? You stole, you freezing deck, that's what? With great power, comes great deniability. I'm not the Earth, Danny. Digger, see the tree long on. Only in the years until we're second rated R, under 1790 without a parrot. So anyway, let's say you're fronking, you're in a meadow. A little bit of mushrooms just makes everything you're feeling 10 times better with no side effects. I'm not kidding.

54:04I'm not saying do a crazy dose. I'm saying do this. Only because you love nature, you love being connected to your friends. I'm not kidding, good mushroom trips. And that's what I would start there. I'm not telling you to do. You're not a cocaine guy. You're not a pills guy. Actually, I could see that. That's not who you are. That's not what you want to be. Those things could be sinister in your life. But I think there's a couple drugs that could be positive. And that's all I'm saying. I think there's a chance they could be positive. There's also a chance they could. My fear is that I will mess up my brain. I don't want to mess up my brain. They're like, open up pathway. I'm like, fuck, I fuck to do what? Podcast. Yes. You need your fucking brain. You need to be at the top of your brain to fucking podcast. Stop if you think I bring my brain to the show. I know that's what I'm saying. We don't have to use our brains for anything. You think I come in here with a brain? Interesting, interesting, interesting. Yeah. I'm just saying, you know, a little dabbling might be interesting for you. It totally could be. And I'm not saying it won't happen. I have a history of thinking that I won't do things and then I do them immediately.

55:04And then pretending like you're that guy the whole time. No, not always sometimes. Yeah. Sometimes I like to change. Sometimes I don't like to change. I try to pretend it wasn't a change. Right. Sometimes I embrace the change and go, isn't it beautiful that I change? I mean, I just remember Beyonce's pixie cut that she immediately went away from. No. That was a moment. I never saw Beyonce with a pixie. She's me putting it on all of branch. That's really sweet. I remember a thing that happened that gay guys were talking about. Chance, can you put Beyonce pixie cut? It was like she put it on Instagram and people didn't fuck with it and she immediately pretended it didn't happen. Do you remember this? I can see why she changed. I think she looks fucking gorgeous. She looks incredible. But I can see what people were responding to. They wanted to be... They wanted, yes. Yeah, they wanted to have the long hair blowing in the wind. I haven't used to be so beautiful. I mean, yeah. It doesn't get set enough that Beyonce's... Well, I think at this point, we just know. I'm wondering if we're still telling her. I think so. Jay-Z, are you telling her? I don't know if Jay-Z is, but somebody else is telling her. Jay-Z, you better tell her how beautiful she is. She really is so beautiful. And she nailed it by doing interviews for two years and then saying, I'm actually all good. Yeah. Refusing to do interviews now is like...

56:05It's the most boss move of all time. Yeah, she's really... She's doing presses the most impressive thing of all time. God. So anyway, you don't remember that, but what point was I making? Based on the filter, this had to be like 2009. I don't fucking know when she got this. Anyway, I feel like you would pull a move like this. You would try something new that didn't land and you'd pretend it never happened. You think so? I think you have that in you. What do you think of me? You have generally positive feelings about me? It's hugely positive. It's feelings about you. It's seemingly positive. I think you're a fraud. I think you're... These are all positives to me. No, I love you. The fact that you have that... What I love about you is that you do have a measurable darkness in you and you keep it locked away. That... You fight against me. I feel that way about your goodness. Yeah. And that's why we're so beautiful together. That's why we're beautiful. That's why we're beautiful. You're a little dart of goodness is in there. And no matter how much scumbagery you try to do,

57:05I see the little part of you that's just a sweet little boy from Baltimore. Yes, yes, yes, yes. And inside of me, you see a scumbag. Similarly, there is a scumbag waiting to get out. You drink so. And by the way, I think you let him out every once in a while. I think you let him out in your most private moments. That's really interesting. No one will ever know. I know. But I know. Something's just for us. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. That's really interesting, Stav. Thank you. What a beautiful partnership we have. We do. It's the Yinn and Yang. I'm really... I do want to get back to this idea that there's less tops than bottoms, though. That we started with. That sounds like something you'd want to get back to. How did that happen? Do you know? Oh, what? Too many gay guys? I don't know. Why don't more guys just give it a whirl? I've also felt like, does this happen to you age into being a top? Because a couple of my friends have gone from... Me personally. Oh, really? Maybe this is part of the process when I... I think... I think it's like a gay cocoon.

58:05Yes, the gay cocoon that you can shake out of... You can shake out of... The bottom cocoon. First there's a straight to gay cocoon. And then you get out of that... A bottomer bottom. And you come to the bottom to top cocoon. And then you fully get your wings. And then yeah. And by the way, I know for a fact that eventually after you've bottomed to top cocoons, there's a top to verse cocoon. And you go, actually, I'm free to be whatever role. What does this even fucking mean? What does it mean? What are these labels you mean? The strict adherence to these roles. Yeah, why are we recreating being straight? Yeah, exactly. That's essentially what it is. What is it to be a top or a bottom? How about I'm assuming being... It's basic. It's so funny because it's like... It's basically one acts like a girl. And one acts like a guy. I would be extremely careful. No, I know. But in the worst way. But what I'm saying is... That's what I understand about it. No, what you're actually saying is extremely advanced gay guy criticism of gay guys. And coming from you, it's gonna hit some people the wrong way. But you're right. My idea... But that's the thing. This is the goodness shining through. People are having a hard time...

59:05This coming from this mouth. They want to shoot the messenger. But I don't understand. Like, truly, that's what I want to understand. It's like, wait, but every... Every like thing you're describing just seems to one for one. Be recreating heterosexual... A huge problem in the gay community. Why not just do it all? People recreating heterosexual dynamics. And then mapping them on the... It's a huge criticism that I think a lot of especially like... Trans and gender queer people make about gay people. It's something they've tried to launch against me online. Of course. But yeah, it's just criticism. Look at Madam. You're here to serve. Yeah, I'm here to serve as a smoke grenade. I'm the Cineater for you. I'll take it all. It's the meme with the fucking army guy and the sleeping child. I'm like... I'm in the bass and ass. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, eros and also like... A bunch of knives. Missles. Yeah. Just do it to me. And watch Uncle Stav. You know what'll really piss me off of your Madam Me? Watching my special talk. Don't watch Uncle Stav on Netflix. Don't do it. He'll love it. He's lying to you guys. They will only power him out. Who's higher you on?

1:00:05I'm lying. Caleb told me to say that stuff. I think everything gay guys do is right and beautiful. Stop, no. Stop. No, you're right. It is really interesting. I think top shortage, I don't know where the top shortage comes from. That's really fascinating to me. Busbeans are going through it as well. Really? Busbeans are going through it as well. They got a top shortage over there as well. I mean, we... That was running through my mind where you were talking about. How am I going to date a guy and we're hitting the buffet? I'm like, that is tough for other reasons. Yeah, exactly. We're both hitting the buffet. I guess it's a lot of... I bet fat for fat relationships, a lot of sucking each other off. That's called side. Oh, really? There's a name for that. You know that? Wait, just sucking you off as a thing? No anal, all oral. There's a name for it now in gay guys. All oral. Side. All oral at the time, baby. 24-7. There's no penetrative intercourse? All oral at the time. These are sides. That's crazy. To me, that's like going to a restaurant and only ordering sides. Yeah. I don't want to meal just a thing. You want to eat cheese? Give me a main dish of some whole to fuck. You've never had a meal of all sides and been thrilled? Okay, that's a good point. Once in a while.

1:01:05Yeah. But how many times do I go out for tapas? Not many. Not many. Not many. That's crazy to me that somebody doesn't fuck. There's a lot of gay guys getting into side stuff because guess what? Who has the time to not eat all day and then... Really? Power wash your ass hole. That does seem rude. God should create a third hole for gay guys. And you put the process into second. Right in the second. No, third. Yeah, yeah. It's crazy. It's the process in the third hole. Why do you put the fucking male pleasure center in the nasty place? Well, I think we've got it. I'm God, I don't do stuff like that. I think we know he's kind of sending him message. Well, you know what's interesting. Yeah. Okay. Stop. Hear me out though. Yeah, go ahead. In youth group. Oh, that was part of it. That was like an actual point. No, but in youth group. Yeah, I think that's what I'm saying. I think that's what I'm saying. I think that's what I'm saying. I mean, if that's what I'm saying. I mean, if you're not saying that's what I'm saying. You know, it's just a part of it. It's just a part of that. But in youth group, they made a big deal about being like, they made a huge deal about because they were so straight and not thinking about gay people. And also, they were so denying themselves their own pleasure. Oh. Our male youth pastors would be like, guys, we're not going to tell you sex doesn't feel good,

1:02:07okay? It doesn't. It's supposed to. God wants you to feel good. Right. Never accounted for the fact that it feels good to have stuff up there. To put something in your butt. Yeah. And you know road trip, you ever see the movie Road Trip? There's a big part of I tried to put, I tried to find my, like the button in my ass because a stifler nutted so hard. I gotta be honest, I didn't really care for it. But I was a 13 year old, I think I put a candle up my ass, trying to do like the stifler move. I don't think it's completely fair to put a candle up your ass when you're 13 and then say you weren't really into it. A girl one time put a figure up my ass and I did. That was, she was being a little too hasty, I think, maybe. So maybe I'll give it another run, but it would have to be like, I think it would have to be a nurse and it would have to be, it would have to be like road trip. I think I would need like a blonde nurse with her tits out putting a finger up my ass. I think I would have to start that way and then open myself up to it. But I don't know, I don't know that I love the sensation.

1:03:09I'm a nurse if a nurse knows what she's doing. First? You would have to know where the prostate is. Yeah. I would need a professional to like push the button. I don't want to be rooting around in there. There are plenty of professionals at that that are not nurses. That's a good point. By the way, there's actually a more direct route to what you're asking for. A girl? A professional. Oh yeah. All right. You think a sex worker wouldn't know how to get your shit off at a great point. That's a great point. All right. She would dial the fucking, you know, you know, I used to call it a ice movie when they bring in the person to put the stethoscope on the thing and go, tch tch tch. That would be a sex worker dialing in on your prostate. Yeah. You're into my ass like a seashell? Yeah. It's the door opens. The fine nuts. Tapping my nuts like, tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch. All right. All right. Maybe I'll check it out. When I sat up, I kicked up all kinds of dander. Did you see that? I didn't. It's got to be coming up on the camera. I missed it. Oh, I want you to have that. I want you to have all kinds of happiness in your life. I see so many beautiful things for you.

1:04:10How about this? Tell me. I'll get somebody to put a finger up my ass if you do mushrooms in a meadow. Oh, I thought you were going to say sleep with girls. No. No, we both have to open up our horizons. You're scared as that is. I think actually this is actually a perfect one for one. Because there's something in my case. You're worried you're going to unlock something you can't undo. Exactly. Wow. You're worried about your brain. I'm worried about my ass. Yeah. She finds a pollock. Oh, fuck. Caleb, thank you. You saved my life. Yeah. So I don't know. My gay friend was like, you should be doing butt stuff. And I paid a nurse to get in there and just think I'll be founded early because if my gay friend hadn't been so pushy about that, I'd be six feet under the high box right? That's right. That's right. That's beautiful, man. And maybe, you know, maybe. No, but get checked. You should be getting checked. I will. Yeah. I literally, hey, I'll judge the side. I'll judge the side. You got to prostitue. Exam that age.

1:05:10Yeah. Because you're getting up there. I am. Yeah. I want to be here for. I want to live in good. Well, it's a lot of process meets. I know that. Yeah. And I know that same here. I want to get one. I asked my primary care doctor if he would refer me for a prostate exam. And he was like, huh, at 31, what do you think for? And I was like, uh, fear and anxiety. And I want to know. And he was like, OK, interesting. Which was cool of him. And he did it in year-old clean. I haven't done it yet. I'm scared to get it. Huh. I don't want. I guess that. I don't want people up there. Sure. It seems like work. I know that you know what it is. This is a big problem. This is a big fact I answer. Yeah. I think you can't eat for like a day. And I'm trying to find a day when it'd be good for me to eat. That's annoying. Yeah. Yeah. A whole day I can't eat. A whole day is tough. You can drink some shit liquid. You have to drink some shit liquid. You have to shit a bunch. I might window I have the win-win. Yeah. But I want to do it. OK. All right. Well, maybe I'll do it too. Next time I'm on, we'll read our, we'll read our, uh, uh. Should be really fun. Yeah. Stop. We've been talking about going on a writer's retreat. Let's go on a retreat where we take a little mushrooms.

1:06:13OK. We don't eat for a day. Drink the shit liquid. Drink the shit liquid. Get prostate exams. Yep. And when you're coming out of your prostate exam, maybe they fall around with you. When I'm tuned. Yeah. When I'm ready to go. They're cleaned up. Yep. We ask one of those nurses. Hey. Wait. We ask a nurse at the hospital. You don't think so. I think we go back to your sex worker idea. OK. And we get a sex worker to dress like a nurse. We get a sex worker who's dressed like a nurse. And I go, you can be there. You can be there. You can't. Whatever you want to do. I would like to meet her. Yeah. Like giving birth, like curtains. Yeah. And I'm just, you're holding my hand. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER I'm like, you're doing so good. You're doing so good, buddy. LAUGHTER And then afterwards we go to the fucking local Chinese buffet. And then we fill back up. Meet you in the nurse. I love that. That sounds awesome. She comes to the Chinese buffet. I would love that. For a job well done. I think absolutely. Yeah. And she can change industry clothes before the bout. Yeah, she doesn't have to dress as a nurse.

1:07:15She's not to go as a nurse. No, in fact, that would prefer... It'd be a little... What is she dress like when she's off? Yeah. Oh, yeah, let's just see what her day-to-day is like. Yeah, yeah. And then we get to know her. We've made a new friend. I love this idea. We become really close with her. Hopefully. Fuck, I mean, we all hang out a lot. We have her eventually on the podcast. She comes on your mind. That's how we have a child. We put Giz in like a Russian roulette thing. Yeah. And she picks one. And we don't know who's is who. I wouldn't be able to tell officially. We'd find out in like five to seven years of the kid being alive. Yeah. Don't you think you're on five or seven, the kid would make it known if it was yours or mine? See, I think it's the... Possibly. But I think like 50% of the outcomes will never be able to tell. You're telling me that kid's percusious and you don't assume it's mine? You don't think I was percusious? You were percusious? I was very percusious. Really? Yeah. I had to fight many of my percusious desires because I, again, was trying to put myself into... You were good inside you that hides. Yeah, it's a little good. You had to hide the little good. I had to hide the little good.

1:08:16I had to pretend I like death metal. Wow. I had to pretend, you know. I mean, I have to pretend I like doing drugs. But starting to do drugs was a little scary. And I had to pretend I wasn't gay. It's a present percusious. That's right. And that was my little devious. Instead of just gays, that what you mean? Yeah. Procusious. But is that true? Yeah, gay kids have actually a leg up on being percusious. Yeah. Because basically it's just being gay. Oh, okay. What is percusious mean? Maybe I'm being very offensively. Can we pull it up? I don't think you're being offensive at all. It's like proper. Procusious is like... Oh, it was like... Well, behave. Oh, within the boundaries. Oh, oh. I thought it meant the opposite. What's up with the technical... I thought it was like being a little devil. Oh, you thought it was ornery? I thought it was being like kind of ornery and like kind of... Showing mental development skills, maturity, much earlier than you. Oh, I was percusious, actually. Yeah. But were you also... You were ornery. That's what you thought. Well, I was just... I was a little stinker, too. Well, also, why does ornery... But how... Why is it pronounced onry? Is that just where I'm from? I think it's onry. Yeah.

1:09:16How about with by some of this beachfront property? You're making me onry. Put a Costco up in the middle. Let's make a deal. Let's make a deal. It's work or own, you see? We don't need that turtle reservation. We need a Texas Roadhouse, you know. Dude. I see. You just... That's not me. You just ignited me. The way I was at a Texas Roadhouse one week ago. Hell yeah, dude. Oh my god, that was fucking awesome. See, I'm a chili-skye in terms of that type of... There's no need to choose. I think... You eventually cocoon from top to verse. To the verse, yeah, yeah, yeah. You eventually cocoon from a chili-skye to a Texas Roadhouse. How do you think you'd be... Okay, okay. Oh, that's being hard. That's being fat versus chili-skye and Texas Roadhouse. Yeah. I'll do both. Yeah. When you don't get to go that often, you become a kind of guy, whichever one I come across. I will say, Chili's an outback steakhouse for my big ones. Can I take something beautiful to happen to me? I told my friends in LA, meet me at the beach at sunset. I'm gonna be swimming.

1:10:16Swim with me. Yeah. We did that. I love that. Swim for two hours at sunset. I told you about those. Awesome. Got out of the water. We're hungry. Yeah. Guess what? We're 30-minute drive from the Chili's. I say everybody drive off and get in the car. We're going to Chili's. We go to Chili's, dude. We go to Chili's, triple-dipper, some chips and salsa. I go home. I have the craziest heartburn in my life. Of course. It's hard to get to sleep. I'm in pretty much pain. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can't do shit like that anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I smiled with my heartburn. Absolutely. I did this. That's like an old friend. Chili's heartburn is an old friend. Why I used to do that every night of the week. Every night. Now I do it once a year and I smile while I start going to sleep. Yeah. It's beautiful. And that's when I say the drugs come in. I say it's like, you know, I'm going to take so many drugs. You don't even know you have heartburn. You pass out. You do drugs are getting you off of heartburn. Yeah. All my back pain. I don't feel any of it because I'm floating every night. Yeah. Every night, I'm like, I guess I'm 200 milligrams of weed. You want to be. Well, I say I said we're down to 78 right now. That's crazy. Yeah.

1:11:16I took two milligrams at the at the concert at the Jack Johnson concert. And I felt, I wouldn't say I felt stoned, but I felt nice. Yeah. I'll get back there. Once I'm done with everything, I'm going to go sober again. I'm going to get into the zone again. But, you know, I have a beautiful fall. Yeah. A beautiful autumn sober in sweaters searching for my wife. Yeah. You know, doing mushrooms. You getting stuff up my ass. It's going to be, I have a nice October November plant right now. I'm so scared because the last time we had a beautiful conversation, we hung out a couple months ago. And we had this beautiful conversation about you settling down. Mm-hmm. And you said, you know, I really think it's coming up. I think I'm going to, I think I'm headed that way. I'm kind of done with my messing around ways. Mm-hmm. And I left that conversation with a smile on my face saying, my boy, he's on the, he's on the straight and narrow. Yeah. And you text me the next morning. And you said, hey brother, bad news. That hot wazin chick with the big tits came over last night. I'm bad. I think I was like, I'm bad. I was like, it's fall bad. It's actually awesome. The fuck hot girls. Yeah.

1:12:16Yeah. That is true. And that's why fear is going to happen this fall. I'm going to be expecting you to be at a pumpkin patch with a beautiful young woman. Mm-hmm. In like an ankle length skirt and a cardigan. Yeah. And then you're going to bring her like bottle girls to my dinner or something. How many so sad? Wow. Someone's being classist. Yes. The bottle girl. The hard working bottle girl. That's why we didn't do this. Does it deserve love according to Caleb? Chance cut everything from floor length skirt through classes. It's my show, bitch. Chance cut it all. It stays chance. I've been recording this whole time. It's been live streaming. We stand on separate things. The room and ask Chance to come to one of us. Chance, chance. Chance, chance. Chance. Chance. Chance got a hard time. Yeah. I get that. He wishes he works for you. I will tell you one thing. I mean, it's wishes he worked for you. The luck he's made on Earth is eldest. Yeah. Elders lucked into the best job of all time because his friend got accidentally famous. Yeah. And so yes, I get that. I, you know, you're doing good here, but you know, Elders unfortunately has, he does have to do more work, but he has a better life.

1:13:20Yeah. I would say that. Yeah. He does. He does have a better life. I don't know if I would go that far. I think so unfortunately. Chance gets treated pretty well here. He doesn't get hit. Look, I, do I abuse Elders verbally? Yes. But again, he's, it's the easiest job. I mean, not the easiest, but he just, he's fine. You just smoke weed with his best friend forever. You and Chance actually wouldn't be a great pair because Chance is extremely sensitive. He's a sweet boy. No, totally. Elders to his credit. It's like a pack, he's like a pack mule. I know. I said stuff to Elders. Yeah. I'm like, I can't believe you didn't react to that. He's like, I can't believe you didn't react to him. And he just had, give him a target. He'll go. He'll go poorly. He won't make any like decisions on his own. Don't expect him to, like if you told him like, hey, Elders walk there and the door is locked, he would just like a fucking video game character. Be like something wrong with the door. Right? You'd have to unlock the door. But you know, he's got a great, he's got, he's got it all set up.

1:14:20Press A three times. He's got to him. Press A. No, I get that. I get that. No chance would be happier with you, I think. But he would be in pain as well because he would be hurt. Totally. It's feelings would get hurt. It's true. I'm pretty good to Chance. No, no, I am pretty ruthless to Elders. It's true. But I'm only, but I'm only like that cause we have that kind of relationship. He's truly my best friend. We've known each other since kindergarten. But the flip side is he can also, it's also having him around cause there's no way to start acting like a fucking big shot when you're, this guy's known you since you were like literally five years old. Right. You know, it's like I actually like being kept honest with like my closest friends around me cause like I don't, this shit creeps into you. People treat, when you start acting, they treat you so way better than they deserve. The actors deserve. Yeah. And it's only because they're so unreliable. But what you, like everybody has like someone's assigned to you and you think like, oh, that's like my, you know, if you're a piece of shit, you're like, well, that's my personal

1:15:21butler. I can get them to do anything I want. Really what it is is they don't trust you to be there when they need you to be there. So some 20 year old kid's job is to like be your handler essentially. So it turns out to be if you're responsible is kind of annoying annoying. Yeah. It's their job to come around and knock on your door. I've told PAs that have worked like the sat PAs and movies where I'm like, I know what you deal with. I love you. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Do not knock on my door 30 minutes before you need me. Yeah. Because I will be ready. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

1:16:22Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's that's that's one of my business run. I don't want it efficient. And I want the CEO to tell me. I'm being a fucking idiot. Yeah. I want when I'm like, I'm like, like there were there was one specific time where I was like trying to trying on a shirt for not this special to last special. And I was like, hey, this shirt kind of fits. Didn't fit at all. and I completely didn't denial it how much how fucking, how hard I'd hit the ribs. You know what I mean? Leading up to the special and I'd pick the shirt out and I was like, yeah, I could kind of do that. And he's like, yeah, I'm sure you could. And then he like starts poking my fat. He starts poking the fat coming between the bum and the marker being like, yeah, sure. Yeah, do you want a washing machine? He's giving the sorority girl a hazing treatment. Basically like all my imperfections. I like that my best friend can just be like, shut up. Yeah. I like that he can talk to me that way. Whereas like if I just, you know, if I just hired a competent person it would never happen that way. I've never hired a competent person in my life. It's the best. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We hired the first competent person who actually

1:17:23was a PA on the movie I worked with Kyla. We hired her like I hired her as my assistant and it actually is crazy to have somebody that's good at her job work for me. I'm like, I'm like, huh? You did the thing I mentioned offhand but didn't double and triple check with you to do. She's like, yeah, it's my fucking job. I was like, I almost started fucking crying. She really is like the hiring one competent person. It's like, it's like, Eldest looking at her as like the diner was looking at the meteor. He's like, he should be fucking scared. He should be fucking scared right now. Oh, shit. Oh, stop. What else do you want to talk about? What's going on with you? What do you want to know about? What do you need to get off your chest? You know nothing about the other day? Yeah. How nice it is, how nice it would be to have you back here after I've seen you on all these places you don't belong. I did, oh. I see you on these fucking late night talk shows and New York Times podcast and I go, bring my boy home. I need to be here, man. I need to be here, pontificating on the top shortage.

1:18:25Get him in the So Trudio talking about, I don't know, his G-Spot or whatever. I can't believe they're asking him about the man this sphere on the New York Times podcast. I know. It is so sad how fucking bad culture is right now where it's like I'm a guy they ask about politics. It's like why aren't we asking? Can you ask me about my art? The jokes about busting fast, please. I crafted these jokes about busting quickly for years and not nary a mention of them. And instead they're being like, so the Rogan sphere. Yeah, it's like, come on man, shut the fuck up. I don't care. But there you are doing it. I know. But I don't, I'm not a role model. Please do not look at me for anything. Simply watch the special. That's all I ask. If we have a message today. If we have a message, I'm a piece of shit. Don't fucking listen to shit. But put on the special for now. Throw on Uncle Stop. Throw on Uncle Stop. He gets back in points for every view. I do. Caleb's getting a couple points on the back end.

1:19:26He doesn't know this. Yeah, yeah. No, I just needed to go well. But yeah, I don't know, dude. I'm just, it's so funny. Because it is tough. Because now I have to talk about shit so much. And I have nothing to say. I'm so, like, my brain is so empty. All I want to do is get fucking high, stumble into movie theater, watch him fucking. I watched Camp Measma great. Had a great time. Just slasher. You know what I mean? They're a great filmmaker. How did you say it? Schoenberg? Jane. Jane. So imaginative. So I did like a classic New York thing where I was like, I have no plan. I'm going to walk. Saw that they were showing Camp Measma. I was like, great. I'm fucking stone this fuck. Get in there. Watch it. Have a good time. And then I went home immediately. I was like, fuck, that was an interesting ass movie. I want to see how this filmmaker got there. Immediately watched the, I saw the TV glow ahead and seen it yet. I love doing shit like that where there's no plan. And you just stumble into a day. And then you get dinner with a friend who saw it.

1:20:26You talk about the fucking, have ramen. Say what you like, what you didn't like. And by the way, Jane in that film, for not a fat person, made one of the fatdest directorial choices I've ever seen. The KFC. The homage to dipping sauce. The dipping sauce is incredible. And how clearly, how clearly the characters' sexual desires were sublimated through the dip in. Come on. And the way they each ate was the way they fuck. Hannah, you're inviting her. You're inviting her reacting to a platter of KFC. Yeah. I can't, we got a chill. I got this certain stuff I don't want to be in public talking about. Yeah, I know where it's. I was talking, getting horny about KFC. That's a tough one for me to be a record about. Come on. You were so on a roll there. I thought we were in a safe zone. Thank God they didn't put bear titties plus KFC in the same scene. That's all I got to say. I struggled to think of what might have happened in that film. That would have been really tough for me. I would have had to leave the theater immediately. Yeah, instead it was, it was chicken, a bunch of murder. They gave me a nice, they gave me a nice murder break. Yeah. For my dick to get less hard.

1:21:26Yeah, from the KFC. You beautiful women destroy KFC. I mean, again, shout out, yeah, Jane really created a movie that works for many different types of people on many different horny levels. Beautiful, beautifully done. It was both of our desks. It really did. It really did. Yeah. And also, but anyway, that's the type of shit I want to do. I actually, I am a completely empty vessel right now. I have poured everything into Uncle Stop, the stand-up special. I actually have nothing to say. I have no desires. All I want is to just have experiences like that. Start back from the building block, fried chicken, titties, and kind of go from there. Yeah. The two of the fucking basics. To me, the food pyramid, the food pyramid to me, fried chicken, titties is the longest one. Yeah. And then everything, and then vegetables are going to get every top. Yeah. Because you get those every day. Yeah. And some days you make it to vegetables and water. Right, right. Good. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Water, water is like here. Yeah. I can want, but titties, fried chicken, desserts, breakfast cereals, water, vegetable.

1:22:29Vegetable cereals. Yeah. I love fun. That's a big treat for me as just crushing breakfast cereals. Yeah. Like the sweet ones you weren't allowed to have is a little pure. You're going in on those. And sometimes I like to get mixtures going. I'm actually pissed because I've been trying not to do so many. I've gotten to, there's something about my age or my body that if I have sweets after a certain hour, I get heartburned before bed. And so I don't keep sweets in the house anymore. And this is where I'm saying by losing weight being an accident where it's like, I'm not trying to get thin. I'm just doing things. Your body's attacking you finally. Hello. Your body's taking the, the matters into its own hands. And saying, hey, we're going to make it impossible for you to enjoy your lifestyle. That's what happened when I fucking lost my tooth. This tooth of, like, I could, my body was basically like, all right, man, because what happened was something called tooth resorption, which is your body starts absorbing the tooth and like just each the tooth. And I think what happened is my body was like, all right, well, he's not going to stop eating. So we're taking. I think his teeth. Yeah. You know what I mean? And I think your body's doing that with heartburn and sweets. It's like, fuck it. Every time you see, every time you see a twizzler, fucking shoot up that, give him the

1:23:31chile's treatment, give him the triple, dipper treatment. All right. There's just a dispatcher going, sin pain. Yeah. He's eyeing a cosmic brownie at 11 p.m. Sin pain. They should let us do fat. What's the movie where they have all the elemental? No fucking osmosis Jones. No, no, no, no. Oh, shit. It is inside out, inside out. Yeah. We should do fat inside out. We should do fat inside out for sure. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My point was I had a fat friend staying at my house and she left. And when I got home, there was fucking fat people food in the cabinets again. This fat bitch. Awesome. This fat, ungrateful bitch left cocoa pebbles in my cabinets. That's fucking that whore left her trough full. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I came home stoned from the bar and saw them and I was like, no, my God. If I had seen that, I would have started sending like the whale at the end. I'd be like, it was like, I hear the halo music. I'm like, yes. It was truly like if I was depressed and she left like a loaded gun in the cabinet.

1:24:32Just in case. Just in case. I didn't use it, but you could. I was like, you even cocoa pebbles in my cabinet. Awesome. Here's what I love to do. Coco pebble based. And we need like cocoa pebbles. No, cocoa pebbles, that's the sprinkles basically, right? The base would be like a honey checks. He went something with a little or you could go like a, a, a, a, a Cheerios variant. Yeah. Right? Like some, something that feels healthy, right? Apple Cheerios, cinnamon, cinnamon, life cereal, just something that has a little bite to it too, you know? And then you want to go with, you want to go with something that's more like a, like there's a little more panache, right? Coco, not a cocoa pebble, but a cocoa puff. This is the second layer is the puff layer. Yeah, right? Crunch with a little bit of marshmallow. I mean, I don't even have to explain it. You have to tell me. You have to tell me. And then you, we finish off with a flaky, with a fruity pebble, with a cocoa pebble,

1:25:32with maybe even like some, or we know sometimes can be a good base, special K with chocolate in it. Yeah. You know, some of that. But we ended, we end flaky. We go puff and then we have a bad. I can't just say that if you're doing the special K with the chocolate that you mix it with Reese's puffs, yes. Would that fucking kill you? Right away. And then you throw the cocoa fucking pebbles up top. Hello. Are you fucking, that's beautiful milk, milk, milk, big, not the good, not the good for you kind without the lactose or any of that shit. Full fat, regular milk from a cow. Oh my god. This morning. And here's what I like to do. Let it fucking simmer a little bit. What's that? Let it soften a little bit. You're getting it mushy. I'd leave it just, but here's the thing, just to the point where it still has bite. You can't let it over mush. Yeah, it's a very specific time frame. It's a time frame. It's a time frame. It's a dance you have to dance. I fucked up the other day. I was making bacon. And it ended up taking longer than I thought it would. And I had already put it into the cereal. So by the time the bacon finished, the cereal had become mush into mush. Yeah.

1:26:33And it was really, really not good for me. That's brutal. I'd still take the cereal down. I'd still figure it out. Yeah. Yeah. I did it. It was just a bowl of special cake. Oh, okay. That's another thing now. I tried to make my treats like, I can go with special cake. You don't have to go about it. Special cake is a treat. Doesn't give me heartburn. It was breakfast. It wasn't a treat. It was bread. It was like the fundamental meal of my day. Me? Me? Serial is a fake. It's not a breakfast food. It's a treat. Well, that's because you're eating fucking cocoa. No, no. I think big cereal is fucking ruined your mind. That no point. Me? Big cereal is ruined my mind. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I really do. I think you have fallen into the paradigm where they say this shit is healthy. Grange with milk is never healthy. Special cake is not too bad for you. I don't think. You'll fuck out of here, a special cake. I don't think it's too bad with some turkey bacon. You can't tell me that's not a balanced breakfast. Turkey bacon is toast. Have toast. I have toast. I have toast with bananas. I have turkey bacon. On this day, I had a riboseo and I have some low acid, no pole porn juice. And ask me why it has to be low acid, stop.

1:27:35Heartburn. Because of my fucking heartburn. Heartburn. I'm sick. I'm 31 years old. I'm being attacked by heartburn. Yeah. It's disgusting. I would say this, like I said, your body's giving you signals. Yeah, look, what the universe wants from us and what's probably going to happen is that you and I both become bodacious. I'm so sexy. I do for a little bit. I do want to get big arms. I don't want to be not fat, but I do want fucking. I can't have you feel my muscles on here. I've done it too many times. It's fine. When the camera's cut, I'll feel them. I want you to feel my muscles and my legs. Yeah. You can feel my legs anytime you want to. Bro, first of all, who are you talking to? I'm the calf god. I won't even pull them out because you'll get fucking calf dysmorphia, dude. I'm not better than that. I'm not better than that. Fuck no. You're out of your fucking mind. You're out of your fucking mind. Let the people decide. What's your calf up? Calf. Good fucking luck. Dude. Good fucking luck. Get one on these. You slap your shit, dude. You don't know shit about these guys. Dude, you're fucking out. You notice when you slapped your shit, you had a jiggle. Mine doesn't move. Yeah, because I have fucking minds elastic. Mine's elastic. Mine's shaking fucking.

1:28:35Mine's shaking a fucking adjust to the, you know, what do you mean? Mine doesn't need to. It's fucking rock solid. I only tell you another thing. If Nicole were to charge at me right now. If Nicole would come over her table, I would grab her by the side of the head and put her to the ground. So fucking quick and use my leg to, oh, that's cool. To pin down the arm so that there was no punching back. Of course. I could find Nicole no problem. I agree with that. I don't know what that has to do with our calves. That you could, that you could assault your employee. Yeah. It has a lot to do with my calf. If I had to, we can't, she might charge me and win. I see. But because of my calves, I'm going to get an angle on how I could put her to the ground. I see. I have had this thought where I, I don't know that you could, but, you know, I'd love to figure that out someday. I can't wait till she finally does attack you. I do think someday she will. Yeah. That's going to be awesome. I, I have had this thought ever since fucking my backup. I've understood why people have guns now. Okay. Because like now that I've heard, let's say I was in an assault situation, right? Yeah.

1:29:35I'm not going to fight gun, right? Let me just say that. Okay. But before I fucked my backup, I always had that like dumb, like male idea that it's like, look, I'm not going to fight anybody. But should push come to show me. I could tap into a secret well of alpha energy. Yeah. And fuck anybody up. That I've been building up by being polite to people that are rude to me in public. Every time I haven't gone off on a guy that stepped too close to me on the sidewalk, right? That was me reserving it. That was me reserving the energy. Every time I could, I couldn't make eye contact with a waitress because she forgot my extra serving of bacon. Yeah. That was me reserving it. Yeah. I'm saving that for an intruder. Yeah. Yeah. So I always had that and I always, you know, I run my mouth too much. I would talk shit. And now I'm realizing like, oh, because of my bag is fucked up, I would just automatically lose every fight. Like in the past, that was obviously still true. But in my head, I didn't believe it. Yeah. Right? If I either have to stop talking shit or I need a weapon. Yeah.

1:30:35That's what I realized. Yeah. And look, I'm not getting a gun, but now I'll just say get a gun. Yeah, I do. I mean, first of all, how cool would like a pearl, like a pearl handle pistol? It looks nice in your sock. In my sock. A little ankle. Yeah. No, no, I don't want to fight you. I'm just going to surrender. I'm just going to surrender. Yeah. I'm fucking surrendering my ankle really. It just fuck you. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, yeah, something like that. So it's dropped into time. Yeah. Once I get just being in the fuck out of me, just caved my skull in with a trash can. Well, I'm bending over to pick up my gun. No, I gotta stop hanging out with lesbians for real because the point of getting a gun, these lesbians are coming into my house and at every turn talking to me about the grid going down and staffing to like, I just can't. It's like, they, but they won't, I'm not supposed to get a gun. I'm not supposed to see it. Either the grid's going down and we're all gonna get a gun. I know you want to get a gun. Yeah. That's why I'm giving you, I'm telling you, there's never been a better time to be a person with good politics who wants a gun. You're right. A lot of people that used to be like, oh, that's horrible or not kind of being like, whatever you need to do.

1:31:36Well, I'm scared of obviously having a gun and killing myself. That's kind of the main worry. Just don't do it. But sometimes it seems like a great idea. Killing yourself? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now the gun is probably, that's a little too violent. I probably would just, that's not how you do it. No. And I know that about you. No, it would have to be theatrical. Yeah. If I did, if I took, like I know the feeling of taking too many edibles and regretting it, but I would go to a hospital and have them pump my stomach in between. So I couldn't take pills. I would need to like, I don't know. Jump or something or like. Yeah, don't do, well, you have to make it a way. It's not gonna inconvenience everybody though. Now, but you want to make it about you. Yeah. Yeah, maybe I'd be a classic sub. Maybe how about, you find out when an enemy has a very important meeting and you jump in front of their train. I'd be awesome. Or kill yourself in front of your enemy. Oh, true. You did this. Oh, you know what I mean? He sits. This was you.

1:32:38And they're fucked. Yeah, that's not a bad idea. Unfortunately, Stav, you can never kill yourself because too many people would be delighted now. Yeah. Like that's just the thing about being a guy. Like there's gonna be some people that are celebratory. You can't have them dancing on your grave. It's more the, it's more the like, accident factor of a gun. Like I don't think I'd ever actually kill myself, but I think what I would do is be high and be like, oh, what if I fucking kill a bomb? Hey, fuck it. And I would just be shooting my friends as a joke and then I forget there's one bullet in the chamber and I'm like, oh, bam. And there goes Labor Day weekend for everybody. Yeah. I see that. I see that for sure. But, you know, I do like the idea of being of, maybe as your abandoning lesbians, I think this is my year of pickup up. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, they need a guy like us around. I just don't, I think we're really missing out on, I have been very, I'm jealous culturally of what gay guys and straight girls get. Why don't straight guys and lesbians get a similar dynamic? I think a lot of them do. And I think it's time for me to just jump in there, really. I think you jump in there.

1:33:38And I think, you know, if anything ever happened to you, stop, I would be destroyed. Thank you, man. You know, I text you yesterday because you post that stupid fucking memorial bit. I would say what I posted was genius gorilla marketing. You post that stupid gorilla, that gorilla marketing. Post that stupid memorial bit and I text you and said, you know you're too big to be acting like that. Right. And that's where, that's where the internalized fat phobia shows. Oh, I thought being, you could be healthy, fat as shit. Who said anything about healthy? You'll note, I said sexy. You'll note I said sexy. I'm under no delusions about my 2016 to 2017. Yeah, sure, sure, sure. My last year of college, some things occurred that should not have occurred. Sure, health wise. Sure, sure, sure. The mix of depression, not walking anywhere and access to student loans that I had led to some diabolical food choices that I will pay for. You basically, you made yourself feel for a year.

1:34:39Dude, it worse. I didn't even do cool shit like that. I went to a place called Hu-Hot. I'm Mongolian Grill for every meal that I could convince someone to go. I will say I at least had the good sense to be like, if you find yourself there alone, it's too far. I would go and Mongolian Grill is like, where you pick out the stuff and they grill it up for you. And I would do three plates and the plates are not small. I would do like heaping plates. Go home so miserable I couldn't do anything for hours. But that feels nice. As someone who has been in that zone, it feels nice finding your restaurant that's gonna drive you. It's, you're in abusive relationship with one meal basically. Yeah. And it feels good. It feels really good to know that how good it's gonna hit. Yeah, you're like, fuck, there will be, there will be 10 minutes of this day that are incredible. The rest of them will be horrible on either side of it. It's gonna be bad. But those tend to, if we stretch it out 17 minutes, because even by plate one and a half, you're already full. You feel bad. You're just still, the worst is when you're in the dragon. The worst, yes, when you're in line already mad at yourself,

1:35:40you haven't even gotten the food, you're like, this is gonna fuck a suck. You're like, this is in the one. Where it's like, that's what I call fat purgatory. Where you really wanna go to hell. But you can't even find the choice. So now, like I did this where I was like, I was really fucking high and I just couldn't land on anything. And I ended up ordering like, fucking $80 of bad Italian food. I was eating pasta, had a fucking plastic container, just by myself. Yeah. $80 worth of it. Yeah. I was like, I didn't know what I wanted. So I got all of it tough. Yeah, I didn't know what I wanted and I convinced myself I'd save some for lunch tomorrow. So I went ahead and got four on trades. Exactly. Yeah. And then you, if you're lucky, you never have it again. If you're not lucky, you wake up and you legitimately have it, not for lunch, for breakfast. And you just warm up, fuck, you put some tagliatelle, some fucking lasagna, the meatballs, you fucking mix it up and it will, a fuck up, a fucked up little casserole. Taste like shit, you still eat it. And in your head, you're like, well, it's fucking, meatballs have protein. Yeah. It's good, it's good. I mean, it's supposed to be between this and bacon. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

1:36:41What's the difference between as a big fat guy, conundrum? What's the difference between this and? Here's the most classic one for me, is when I started what's the difference in chicken tenders instead of fries. Yeah. Because I was like, I was like, well, listen, they're both fried, right? You have a side of fries or a side of chicken tenders. Yeah. So if I get a burger, watch the difference. What's the difference in? In fact, you might be able to say, the chicken breast is healthier. Yeah. It has protein, whereas the potato does not. Yeah. And then of course, you do that one time and then the second time you get chicken tenders burger and fries, very quickly, you're like, well, then I'll get a small fry. What's the difference is the key question for the fat guy? Yeah. And the answer is there's a huge difference. Oh, there's always a gigantic difference. Yeah. Well, we bread and French toast. It's both bread. They're both bread. That's me at Portillo's in Chicago deciding between a chocolate chip cookie and a cake shake. Yeah. What's the difference? About 2700 calories, my friends.

1:37:43But the form factor is very important. You know what I mean? I mean, what's the difference between this chicken sandwich and, you know, fucking a whole family meal? You know what I mean? Like, was there's been one grilled chicken sandwich and like, you know, a bunch of nuggets? And a bucket of fried chicken? And a bucket of chicken. Yeah. It's awesome. I think you know what time it is. You want to get some fried chicken after this? Fuck, I wish. And then actually, maybe I literally might go get fried chicken right now. No, you know it's time for all. Oh, hell yeah. You still owe me $50, you piece of shit. I'm so tough. I wish my money. You'll be my back end on this upcoming special. Jeeps, Kate. You ready? Yeah. All right. 50, I'm gonna read you 15 statements. You're gonna tell me as quickly as you can if what I just said. It was true or false. If you get 10 or more correct, we're gonna give you $50. No, you won't. How you done? You don't know that. You don't know that. I get fucking dick. We do pay. You didn't pay me, motherfucker. We don't pay, but we pay, we send a guest pay. Do you accept it? I don't know. Do you accept the guest pay? No, try and flip this one. Don't play with me. You give me a fucking crisp $50 bill.

1:38:44How about that, you motherfucker? This is your case. This is your case. This is your case. Everything's gotta be means tested. You gotta fucking do, you gotta do it, you gotta fucking. You gotta apply for food stamps. How about we just feed the people, Kate? Yeah. How about we just give winners $50 and don't make them jump through your fucking hoops. Yeah, okay. You know what you're doing. You've created a bureaucratic nightmare to keep me away from my $50. You know, this is why people talk shit on your behind your back. I'm gonna have to walk that way. Okay. All right. Yeah. The Wizard of Oz won the Oscar for Best Picture. True. False. The Arctic Ocean is the smallest ocean. True. Randy Orton was discharged from the Marines for going AWOL. False. True. The modern helicopter was invented in 1949. True. False. 1939. Mary Ansonek is the current principal of John Rura Elementary. False? True. The atomic... She won't return my fucking emails, by the way. That was the elementary school I went to and I'm trying to do a fucking pro...

1:39:44I'm trying to give back and they won't let me. Where the... it's blood money. We don't want your podcast money. We don't want your podcast money. These are working class kids. The atomic number of boron is four. Fuck. Hydrogen is one. False. False five. True. True. False. The Red Hot Chili Peppers released two full albums in 2022. True. White Beech dolphins are the largest dolphin species. False. False. It's Orcas. A story of Queens was named after Peter Francis Aster. False. False. It's John Jacob Aster. China has more lakes than any other country. True. False. It's Canada. Morse Chestnut won so into two Hyundai dealerships. I'm gonna say true. That is true. The Amazon River foes east to west. Yes. True. False. It's west to east. False. The US Constitution was signed in 1787.

1:40:46No. False. True. Greece's motto is freedom or death. Yes. That is true. True. How do you? Seven. Oh, stop. Fuck you. Oh, stop. Those were all fucking... He writes helicopter 10 years off his bullshit. It's bullshit. Absolutely bullshit. He's a bad guy in a villain. I crushed it last time, though, whatever. Who cares? You did crush it last time. I guess we'll just call it even on the 50 bucks. That's not how that shit works. You're gonna give me a hundred. Nice try. And you know for a second, I was like, that seems fair. That's good guys. The friend of mine. Hey, that's good. We'll call it even. Yeah. All right. Let's just get out of here. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, stop. All right. Tell people where they can find you. How they can support Uncle Stahl. You know, Netflix, baby. Not, you know, watch Uncle Stahl. Please, I worked very hard on it. We have a bunch of other shit. You know, I got my... We did a tour documentary, actually. There's seven episodes of this entire tour. It was like over two years long. It kept getting extended because I broke my arm. I did a bunch of shit.

1:41:46So we did a tour doc. So that's there. Watch tires. Watch Tony. All that good shit, baby. What about a fucking so true? What's your so true? My so true is live laugh love. They were cooking with that. Dude. Live laugh love is so true. Stop. Yeah. It's true as fuck. Say that again. I was like... What? Cause think about it. Living is awesome. Say it. Yeah. Loving. Gotta be number one. The best. Yeah. Laughing. Gotta be number one. You're with your friends. What do you want to do other than laugh? Busta nut. And just experience everything. By the way, interesting that Busta nut is loving to you. Well, that's one of... That's a type. There's a type of loving. There's erotic love. There's filial love. There's paternal maternal love. You know, there's a lot of different options. Plotonic love. And think about the opposite of live laugh love, by the way. Think about that. Oh my god. Die. Death. Die cry hate. Die cry hate. That's such. That's such. And we like to make fun of that.

1:42:47Cause it's like it's become a... It's wine o'clock somewhere. Yeah. The type of thing. It's a wine mom thing. Yeah. And that's a fun of... And by the way, crushes eat prey love. Crushes. Get prey out of fuck prey. Get... I'm not praying for shit. Fuck prey. Fuck that. Eat and love. All right, maybe. But eat is part of live. Yeah. Eat is part of live. It's part of live. So it's not enough to eat here. It's not enough to eat here. And to me, I'm just like fuck. It's corny as fuck. But I'm... That's how much I've been beaten down by like having to actually work. That's how much achieving my dreams has negatively affected me personally. Is that I am now saying, you know what, live laugh love is right. Live laugh love. I was motherfucker. That whatever middle-aged woman came up with that. I tip my cap to her. I'm trying to live. I'm trying to laugh. I'm trying to love. Don't look into it because it was... We would probably find with a little bit of research that it was done by like shell gas corporation... To promote like driving to the lake or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a hobby lobby. It's deeply homophobic property. Yeah. But it's probably not.

1:43:47Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what? It's probably not because we're not having to look into it. We have no origins of live laugh love. I know I want to look into it. I mean, when I was in the phrase, it comes from a 1904 poem titled Success by Bessie Anderson Stanley. Wow. Shout out to Bessie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's not looking to her? Yeah, Bessie was trying to get slavery reversed in the 1900s. Yeah. What's not looking to her? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because what she said was fucking beautiful. That's beautiful. Live laugh love is fucking beautiful. It's awesome. People love it as a treat. And I love laughing and I love living. I love when you live in life. I love loving and I love laughing. I love fucking love when you live. I love when you live. I'm trying to live. I'm trying to love. I'm trying to laugh. I'm laughing at your life. I'm laughing at your love. I'm loving your life and your laughter. Exactly. It's kind of perfect and I catch me this fall. Living laughing and loving. That's what I'm saying. I will catch you living laughing and loving stuff. Yeah. That means the world to me that you said that. Thanks man. I feel that we connect on many things, but sometimes I feel, no, I just don't feel it's very often that we connect on my sort of corn ball. Exactly. You know, a corn in this.

1:44:47A set of sunsets and what is it? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. And I know there was a guest. Is this like Caleb's thing? Does he love saying live love? If I'm just saying. No, just no one expected you to be. No one expected you to be. No one expected you to be. I was like, it's not like that. I was just popping off of you. But that's why it's so true. I had to plum the depths of my psyche and say to myself, I have not been doing enough living, loving or laughing. Yeah. I've been doing too much working, you know what I mean? Content producing and promoting. Yeah. And that sucks dick compared to live laugh loving. Live laugh love is a beautiful sentiment. I think we reclaim it. We reclaim it. Exactly. Here today was completely gorgeous. Thank you, man. And I do want to thank you for saying it. And I could honestly get to a place of crying right now if I wanted to. Because I do think it's that beautiful. Yeah. That you said that. But it was extremely cool for you to say that. Thanks, man. And I send you my love. Thank you. Thank you everyone. And please check us out next summer at Camp Not Gainy Moore. That's what I want to plug. You know what? Check us out in the Cat Skills Camp Not Gainy Moore. In the same way that there's always money in the banana stand from where I said development.

1:45:48When you and I decide to do the duo tour camp not gay anymore and just fucking forget about it. Forget about it. That tour makes a lot of money. Okay, actually, I know we should cut the cameras. Let's cut the cameras. I don't want to go in a full tour next year, but what if we did like four dates together? Four's too small. Let's cut the cameras. Let's cut the cameras. This episode is brought to you by Hinge. Look, dating can be a goddamn nightmare. It can be a daunting and difficult thing to navigate, but thankfully our friends at Hinge are here to help. Hinge is the dating app designed to be, you guessed it, deleted. It's for people dating with intention, going on dates, putting themselves out there, Hinge is designed for finding connections. What makes Hinge the ideal dating app is its user-friendly layout and its interactive prompts feature that allow you to ask potential suitors, questions, or pick topics to get the conversation going without the awkward ice breaking phase. What we hear it so true, the whole team, love the most about Hinge, and we're always bringing this up. Has got to be the signal's feature,

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